


It's Always Been You

by bipabrena



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abandonment, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Development, Child Abuse, Depression, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Obsessive Behavior, Past Domestic Violence, Physical Abuse, Rape, Rape Recovery, Reiner and Bertholdt both do some highly questionable things, Revenge Violence, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Suicide Attempt, Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2018-11-30 17:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 42
Words: 119,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11468472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bipabrena/pseuds/bipabrena
Summary: Bertholdt and Reiner. Two best friends who are in love with each other, part of an emotionally abusive relationship. They're unaware of each other's feelings, and their actions, as a response to what they believe is an unrequited love, lead them to hurt and distance themselves from the other. One fight is the decisive trigger that will change the course of their lives, plus that of an extra party. Both boys have darker sides to themselves that none of their friends, even those closest to them, can imagine. This delves their complicated friendship deep into toxicity, possessiveness as well as irrationality; and, for one of them, dangerously close to fanaticism. The pain they feel from the overwhelming love they have towards the other, barely scratches the surface of what makes both of them broken and unstable. And the fight is only the beginning.(Titan trio centered)





	1. The x Bar

**Author's Note:**

> This work is extremely special to me because I'm the type of person that's always wanted to do things, among them write, but never has because I believe I don't have the talent, and that I'm not good enough. I took the leap and wrote this, and I'm glad I did. It began as a one-shot, that then developed to a messy and unorganised story, but I take pride in it nevertheless. It's found positive reception, and it feels surreal to know I'm doing something right. 
> 
> This will have angst, tension, sometimes humour and lightheartedness. More importantly, I focus a lot on the mental aspects of every character, so hopefully that's something you'll find interesting. If you're looking for random smut or fluff, this might not be the work for you.  
> ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————  
> THIS ENTIRE STORY HAS BEEN SPONTANEOUS. I've never planned anything—in fact, I've just written fast drafts of whatever comes to mind and edited here and there, but it all seems to have fallen into place anyway. It's my first fan-fiction, so I hope I'm not doing an awful job. I happily welcome criticism <3 
> 
> If you like the story, leave kudos or a comment, so I can know if I'm doing something right.  
> ————————————————————————————————————————————————————  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this, please leave kudos so I can know if I'm doing something right! Any sort of criticism is also happily welcomed--anything to improve. Thank you for your time!

“Hey, Bertl.” Reiner nudged Bertholdt on the rib-cage. “There’s a piano over there, how about you start playing some music? You could really impress Annie.”

Bertholdt’s eyes widened and his cheeks burned from the comment alone. He felt a twinge of disappointment in his chest.

_If only you knew the one I want to impress is you._

Bertholdt had no idea what Reiner was thinking. Why did he always insist on saying he was into Annie? Was he just messing with him? Did he usually do something that made it seem as though he liked Annie? He considered her a close friend, and he worried about her. She was coolheaded, “emotionless”, and independent, but Bertholdt knew there was more to her. He just worried, that’s all. How is that supposed to indicate he likes her romantically? He thought hard about this every time Reiner mentioned her, but he couldn’t find an answer. He wishes he could clarify he doesn’t feel anything romantic towards her, but he knew Reiner wouldn’t be satisfied with that answer. “ _Well, who do you like, then_?” Reiner would most likely ask. Bertholdt could easily respond “ _no one_ ”, but he’d be lying, and Reiner would notice instantly. In the end, he was too much of a coward to even **_think_** about telling Reiner the truth.“ _It’s you. It’s always been you._ ”

Reiner noticed his friend space out, he usually did so whenever he mentioned Annie. He really must like her, eh? The mention of her name alone is enough to make Bertholdt get lost in his little world. Annie was great. In fact, she was one of Reiner’s closest friends, and he knew she reciprocated the feeling but was too cold and prideful to admit it. But he still didn’t get it—why was Bertholdt so crazy about her? They’re antithesis at its finest.

Sure, social norms, and even science, dictate “opposites attract”, but Bertholdt and Annie take it to another level. Bertholdt is extremely gentle and needy, he requires a _**lot**_ of attention and affection. Annie would never be able to give him that—she’s too autonomous, too independent. Some of his relationships in the past ended because he couldn’t get this, but he moved on.

So, why was Annie the exception? Why did he still like her and refuse to move on? The thought fried Reiner’s brain. It frustrated him to the core and he wanted to convince himself, no, he **_needed_** to convince himself that it was just him worrying about his best friend. But deep down he knew the truth, and it’s a truth he didn’t want to acknowledge **.**

 **It made him jealous**. It made him so jealous that overthinking it made him nauseous, and at times, shake. He hated this. He despised the fact that while he stared at him, appreciating every feature, every expression on that beautiful boy; while he was thinking about him at night and fantasising about the two of them, Bertholdt was doing the same but with Annie. It turned his stomach, he couldn’t bear it. He just—

“You guys!" Krista's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Over here!” she waved her arm frantically, so they could notice where she was. Once she had their attention, she pointed at the large booth across the bar where Armin, Eren, Sasha, Mikasa and Belanor were seated with her—fresh drinks around the table. “ _Boilermaker!_ ” Eren said prior to coming here. “ _It’s one of the manliest drinks out there._ ”

Reiner couldn’t help but smile at Eren’s strange childishness. No, he didn’t have a child's innocence, and he sure as hell didn’t do things any sane child would, but he still reminded him, in some way, of a little kid. Was it his enthusiasm? His obliviousness? After all, Eren was the type of guy whom had a respectable number of girls who crushed on him, but was too dumb to notice. Sometimes he wondered if Eren was gay or asexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with either, he was just curious. Reiner disrupted his thoughts to make his way over to his friends. He noticed Bertholdt was still spaced out, thinking about who knows what. Probably about Annie, rehearsing in his head what he’s going to say to her, or how good she looks. Here comes the nausea again.

Reiner placed his hand on Bertholdt’s shoulder “What are you waiting for? Let’s go already!” Bertholdt slightly jolted, not expecting the gesture, and due to being interrupted from his wandering mind.

“Y-yeah.” He pulled the collar of his shirt back and forth to fan his neck. The heat exuding from too many bodies being in one place was making him nauseous.

They approached the booth, Reiner deviating to the bar. He leaned on the counter with poise to order a different drink, and Bertholdt took in the scenario. Eren could barely contain his excitement over his boilermaker, swinging Armin back and forth, demanding him to snap a picture of him holding his drink. Sasha and Krista were gossiping, while the former stuffed her mouth with peanuts. And Mikasa…

Oh. Mikasa.

She looked strangely incredible. Radiant, beautiful, and… happy? Mikasa was known to be like Annie in the sense she usually bore a stone face. Until recently, that had been changing little by little. It’s not as though Mikasa was a Sasha or Krista-kind-of-happy right now, but to someone observant it was clear she was different. Ever since she got together with Belanor, something in her has changed. Bertholdt was happy about this. She was so obsessed with being around Eren at all times that he thought she’d never be able to be with someone. Eren saved her life, though nobody knows the details except for the two of them, and perhaps Armin; so, her feeling indebted to him was understandable, but it still seemed like a little too much. Now, it appears her mind is expanding, and her life doesn’t revolve around Eren alone.

Krista’s laugh snapped him out of his thoughts, and the sight of what caused it made his heart wrench. Reiner was whispering things in her ear, and she was clinging to his arm while giggling, and Reiner couldn’t help but smile and laugh back.

He felt so out of place right now. Not only was everyone having fun, but he was the only one standing, doing nothing at all. Everyone else was seated, and nobody seemed to notice he didn’t have a spot. Reiner didn’t even bother on asking what he wanted to drink, or to tell him to sit when he came back from the bar.

Yes, the music was somewhat loud, everyone’s drinking and conversing, but was his presence really so weak that no one noticed him? That no one thought about saying “ _Oh, Bertl, you should have asked me to move!_ ”, or “ _Here, let me scoot over so you can have a seat!”_? He was sure he could leave right now and no one would notice—not even Reiner. He had to bite his lower lip to hold back tears that were threatening to form.

He was incredibly sensitive, and being invisible was his soft-spot.

He felt someone behind him grab his arm. Turning his head to see the responsible person, his eyes widened at the sight. It was a blonde beauty fashioning medium length straight hair, wearing a black and white crop shirt, a black skirt with red lines and medium black heels. It was Annie.

He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. It’s the first time he’s ever seen Annie so chic. She looked incredible. Why didn’t she dress like this more often? She didn’t look bad wearing her usual hoodies and jeans, with her hair tied in a bun. But wearing her hair down, straightened, with slight make up on and revealing clothing, looking sexy yet elegant at the same time? And people say Krista is angelic!

He didn’t question this further and simply enjoyed the sight. Annie felt uncomfortable and looked down, moving a strand of hair behind her ear. That’s when Bertholdt realised he hadn’t said anything.

“A-Annie. You look—“

“You can have my seat” Annie interrupted.

“W-what?” _Stop stuttering, you idiot. This is why no one likes you_.

“I’m going to leave. You can have it.” Bertholdt was surprised to hear this.

“What do you mean? It hasn’t even been an hour.”

“It doesn’t matter. This is too crowded, and..." she hesitated on continuing her sentence, as if she were meticulously searching for the right excuse. "I don’t really have a reason to stay anymore.” Her eyes wandered around, but Bertholdt noticed she was subtly looking at someone from the corner of her eye.

That must be it, she’s like this to impress someone and they’re not paying attention, isn’t she? But whom? 

Good lord, she’s offering her seat. She’s the only person on this booth, out of seven people, that noticed him and was thoughtful enough to offer a seat. Not only this, but Bertholdt **_totally_** didn’t notice her, so could it be him? Could she have been trying to impress him? He couldn't make out whom she momentarily gazed at from the corner of her eye, but surely it must be him. It only makes sense.

She quickly glanced to her right and switched her sights to the bar. Bertholdt looked at the direction she glanced at and immediately understood. It was Eren, playing a game on his phone while waiting for Armin to come back from the bathroom. Really? She’s trying to impress Eren, of all people?

Of course she is. Why would he be stupid enough to think she’d be trying to impress **_him_**? Not even his best friend noticed him right now, so why would she? She’s probably just trying to say “ _Here, take my seat you sad loser, you look ridiculous standing around doing nothing, so sit your ass down._ ”

Annie held her left arm awkwardly and walked away, Bertholdt noticing a couple of seconds later. He spaced out again, didn’t he? She probably said something and he didn’t even listen. This is why no one cares about him. He’s so out of reality, why would anyone waste their time with him?

He ran after Annie and grabbed her arm, making her look back at him. Now they were far enough from the large booth to not hear their friends’ conversations.

“A-Annie, don’t leave. I don’t know what you mean with not having a reason to stay, but don’t go.”

Annie pulled her arm back and replicated her previous position, holding it against her, her middle finger tapping her elbow. “I’m not comfortable in this place, there’s no—“

Bertholdt held her wrist, forcing her to let go off her arm. With a polite but shy smile, he interrupted her. “Come on, you really put some effort in your clothing and make up tonight, don’t let that go to waste.”

As soon as he realised what he said his cheeks flared up, scared that Annie might get mad.

She didn’t. She just ignored the remark.

“What surprises me is the fact you’re still here, given how you were standing around looking at everyone like a lost puppy.”

Bertholdt blushed even harder, and started screaming internally.

_She noticed! I knew she was offering her seat out of pity. Oh Bertholdt, woe is you!_

He rubbed the back of his neck, breaking eye contact. “W-well… honestly, I feel really awkward too. Like I don’t fit in, even though we’re all friends, you know?”

Annie’s gaze softened and noticed Bertholdt was still holding her wrist. She gently let go. “I guess that makes two of us.”

The next thing that came out of Bertholdt’s mouth took a lot of courage to say. He felt a drop of sweat forming in his forehead and his heart sped. He usually didn’t ask things like these without thoroughly rehearsing them in his head, because yes, he was **_that_** awkward.

“W-well…" He gulped. "W-we can do our own thing." He paused. "Y-you know?”

Annie couldn’t help but try to hold back a sardonic laugh over Bertholdt’s stuttering.

She was able to contain the chuckle, and shook her head disapprovingly. “You’re like a baby that’s learning to speak.”

Bertholdt regretted saying anything at all and was thinking of an excuse to leave. Should he evacuate by saying he needs to go to the bathroom? Should he pretend he’s ill? What should he do!? Annie must have noticed the panic on his face, because her next move caught him off guard, starting with her rare, but quite adorable laugh.

“Sorry," she giggled, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. "that was mean." She placed her hand on his shoulder. The intention of it was entirely innocent, it was meant to be a playful and/or friendly move, but to a certain onlooker, it seemed like something else.

The giggling ended.

“What were you going to suggest?” She asked.

Bertholdt just smiled at her question and, with a bit of effort, made eye contact.

“I-I was thinking we could get some drinks and just chat outside. We could even walk around, I don’t know.”

“I don’t like alcohol.”

“Yeah, me neither… but I didn’t say they had to be alcoholic drinks, right? We don't have to stay here.”

Annie couldn’t help but offer a barely visible smile. “I guess, it's not like I have anything better to do anyway. But on one condition.”

Bertholdt perked up. “Huh?”

“You pay.”

Bertholdt let out a genuine laugh. “I guess that’s the price I must pay to hang out with you.”

Annie looked at him smugly. “You better consider yourself lucky.”

This is strange, he couldn’t remember the last time he had such a smooth interaction with Annie. He actually felt really comfortable, and he could sense she felt the same.

“I guess I have to. W-well… where are my manners? After you.” He moved aside and extended his arm to pave way for her. Annie walked past him and he followed. This was nice. She didn’t expect to hang out with Bertholdt tonight, but she guessed unexpected things could be nice too.

Bertholdt and Annie were starting to feel comfortable now—their night was beginning to look promising. But unbeknownst to them, a certain onlooker’s took the opposite turn over their short interaction. If Reiner got jealous _ **just**_ from thinking about Bertholdt liking Annie, now he was furious to the core. He left with her? _**And** _ without saying goodbye? Just what are these two up to? It couldn’t be, but from what he saw and how relaxed Annie was, he just knew. Or rather, he **_thought_** he knew.

_She likes him back, doesn’t she?_

He could feel himself tense up. His night was ruined now.  


	2. Of Coffee x And x Anime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After leaving the bar, eating in a 24/7 breakfast diner and walking around town for a while, Bertholdt walks Annie home and she offers to let him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this, please leave kudos so I can know if I'm doing something right! Any sort of criticism is also happily welcomed--anything to improve. Thank you for your time!

Annie wouldn’t normally do something like this. However, this night hasn’t been normal to begin with. If anything, it’s been very out of the ordinary. Krista and Sasha weren’t going to be home for the remainder of the night, and Ymir was on a road-trip. She had the house all for herself, and Bertholdt would be alone too if he went home, so why not pay back his kindness and let him in?

“Would you like to come in?”

Bertholdt was surprised. It’s been some time since Annie invited him in while it was just the two of them. They do hang out frequently, but not in her house, and very rarely while all alone. Usually they’d be accompanied by an extra party or two, mostly Reiner.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?”

Annie moved a strand of hair behind her ear, expression as bland as ever.

“Of course.”

“Then yeah, I’d like to.”

Annie slid the keys in the door and opened it. She turned the lights on and Bertholdt followed.

“Oi, Annie.” He drew her attention “Is it okay if I take my shoes off?”

Annie didn’t look at him while she placed the keys on the dining table. “You always ask the same, and I always answer the same. Go ahead.”

Bertholdt took his shoes off and, with much liberty, sat down comfortably on the couch. He noticed Annie modestly crouch as to not reveal anything, given how she was wearing a short skirt, to take her heels off. He blushed furiously at the sight, looking down at his feet, and basically anywhere else but her to not feel like a pervert.

“You want something to drink?” Annie asked as she got back up, heels in hand.

He mustered enough courage to look at her. “After all that food and walk, I could use some coffee. I can make it myself, though.”

“Okay. Serve me a cup too, then. Two teaspoons of sugar.” Annie finally looked at him. “I’ll be right back. Turn on the A/C if you want.”

“O-okay.”

Annie took off upstairs, and Bertholdt was left behind. This felt weird. It is true that the two of them hung out a lot—after all, they were childhood friends. They share a lot of history, some of it intimate, but both are very introverted, so nobody knew. And yet, this is different. Annie is being different, or at least that's what Bertholdt feels. To see her do her hair and make-up, and wear suggestive clothing for someone; _**recognising**_ that she ** _likes_** someone, perplexed Bertholdt. Because she's so absurdly strong, both emotionally and physically, it's easy to forget she's still a woman. 

Bertholdt sighed and grabbed the remote to turn the TV on. It’s Sunday and it’s almost midnight, perhaps they could watch The Walking Dead. The weekly episode is, usually, repeated at this hour. His thoughts diverted and recalled how Annie said Krista and Sasha would be out all night.

Krista.

Reiner would be doing the same. Seeing Krista cling to his arm, laughing, Reiner whispering things in her ear. He brought his knees to his chest and wrapped them with his arms. He didn’t want to think about possible events, it would deeply wound him.

In a way, he felt happy because he was hanging out with Annie. Sure, it wasn’t as exciting as it was with Reiner, but Annie had this very soothing presence that made him feel at ease. Most people found her presence intimidating, and while it could be, he generally found it relaxing. They were more alike than they thought, so it’s natural that they both felt so comfortable with each other, even though Annie wouldn’t admit it. But there was still this feeling of despair, of not knowing what Reiner was doing right now and with whom. Krista _**should**_ be the obvious choice, since Reiner "likes" her, but the most probable thing is that there's someone else. Reiner slept around, that was a fact. What if tomorrow morning when they see each other again he tells him about the spicy night he had with someone? It happened so frequently, and yet it **_always_** hurt Bertholdt the same. At least Annie doesn’t have to worry about that with Eren, since the kid is as oblivious as ever, and simply isn’t into that kind of thing.

He heard footsteps coming down the stairs and he got up as fast as he could. He forgot to make the coffee! Why does he always space out so much? No wonder “ _idiot_ ” was Annie’s favourite word to use on Bertholdt. He ran as fast as he could to the kitchen, grabbing two mugs from the kitchen shelf and served the coffee. He placed both mugs in the microwave, on a countdown of two minutes.

“So, what do you want to do?” Annie asked

Bertholdt turned back to look at her. Naturally, her hair was now in a messy bun and she was wearing a baggy Dragon Ball Z shirt with pajama pants. That, plus her minuscule height, made her look absolutely adorable, even with that dull expression of hers.

“I was thinking we could watch The Walking Dead. It’s almost midnight and they’re going to repeat the episode."

As she listened, Annie grabbed a stool and placed it in front of the cabinet. She got on it to reach her favourite cookies, but still had trouble finding them, since they were buried among Dorito and Cheeto bags. She’d stand on the counter if it weren’t for the fact the coffee machine was in the way. Bertholdt jolted.

“A-Annie! That’s dangerous!” He ran to her and, with ease, drew out all the packets in the cabin. “What are you looking for?”

She dully looked at him. “I do this all the time. It’s not dangerous, and I didn’t need your help.” she found the glorious snack she was looking for, grabbed it and placed the stool back in its place.

“I was just—“

The microwave beeped.

“I don’t want to watch The Walking Dead. I haven’t caught up and it’s the mid-season finale, I’ll just get spoiled.”

Bertholdt felt dumb for suggesting it.

“Is Hunter x Hunter okay?” she offered instead.

“Sure. I left off on the episode where Kurapika meets Hisoka.”

Annie smiled, though barely. “A fine episode.” She opened the bag of cookies and gracefully placed one in her mouth. “Grab whatever you want to eat. And hurry up with the coffee, will you?”

“Y-yes! Sorry”

Annie chuckled and plopped on the couch. “I’ll never get over that pointless habit of yours.”

Bertholdt turned his head to look at her while he grabbed the cream to add to the coffee. “Which one?” He started stirring.

“The one where you apologise for everything.”

“Oh. I… sorry.”

“Stop. You’re lame.”

“R-right.” He grabbed both mugs and sat down next to Annie. She took hers and sipped, releasing a satisfied sigh. They were both comfortable, at a reasonable distance, yet close enough to feel each other’s warmth. Bertholdt browsed through Netflix. He found the episode and played it. A recap of the last episode was shown, then the opening. Instead of skipping it, Annie decided to break the silence.

“Bertholdt”

“Hm?”

“Is Nen possible or realistic?”

Bertholdt was a pretty smart guy. Quite nerdy, if you will. He enjoyed applying science to ponder if certain fictional things could be real, such as Godzilla or the conundrum that is magic. Because of it, it wasn’t a surprise Annie would ask him something like this.

“Well, some studies have proven aura is real. With highly sensitive cameras, you can capture a person’s natural glow, meaning that you and I have aura, just like everyone else.”

Annie looked at him intently.  

“Honestly, it’s an incredible topic with so much study material that I could ramble about for hours.” He looked at the ceiling, with a small smile and somewhat inspired. Annie was still staring, and rather than realising she was immersed in what he was saying, and curious about what he was going to say next, he assumed she was saying “ _get to the point_ ”. He watched the opening, resisting the urge to sing along.

“But Nen is different. I mean, Nen is defined as the technique utilised to manipulate our aura at will, and it is true that we generate energy and radiate heat, which is probably how Togashi came up with the idea of Nen. However, using our energy to scare off others, or get super strong, even create cool powers like Machi’s Nen stitches? No." He sipped his coffee. "Is it realistic, though? Kind of, since it's based on facts. Let's just say it's realistic because the idea of Nen grabs real-life elements and embellishes them.”

Annie’s expression remained the same, but someone observant like Bertholdt could easily notice there was a soft tone to it. She smiled at him, and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“I like Nen because it’s intelligent.” She looked forward at the screen, the opening almost over. Bertholdt didn’t look away from her.

“It’s so cleverly written. Togashi is such a smart writer, I wish I could create something like that.”

“Right?" He grinned, tone enthusiastic. "How did he even come up with the idea of sewing people’s arms with stitches made from life energy? Dude is crazy.”  

Annie looked at him. “If you think Machi’s power is something, wait until you get to the Chimera Ant arc and see Pitou’s.”

Bertholdt’s eyes widened. “A-Annie! No spoilers!”

She covered her mouth with her hand and laughed. “Okay, okay. The opening’s over. Don’t talk, or I’ll spoil the whole show”

Bertholdt boldly stole one of her cookies and dipped it in his coffee. Right now, he was happy. He was enjoying himself, and he would have it no other way. He can’t imagine how uncomfortable he would be in that hot, sweaty bar, with loud music and the smell of alcoholic drinks everywhere. Annie, too, was happy. She enjoyed Bertholdt’s company, and though they rarely hung out alone, when they did, it was special.

At this moment, Reiner completely disappeared from Bertholdt’s mind, and Eren from Annie’s.


	3. Reiner's x Instability

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very small superficial outlook of Reiner's instability.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is weird... I don't know how I feel about it. It probably doesn't even make sense lmao, SORRYYYYYY, I'M SO BAD AT THIS T______T HALP ME

Almost two hours passed and they had silently watched four episodes. Too silently. Hunter x Hunter was Annie’s favourite anime, so speaking while watching it was an unforgivable crime. That, and the fact Bertholdt was quiet when watching TV, which made him the perfect TV partner. Still, Annie had to be honest with herself and admit her eyes closed every now and then. She turned to Bertholdt to tell him they were done for the night, but someone was ahead of time. The lower half of his body was falling off, while his back rested against the couch’s seat. His arms were to his sides, his neck bending against the couch’s edge. It looked painful.

Annie blinked. _How can he sleep like that?_

She was annoyed. How long had he been asleep for? How didn’t she notice? Maybe she dozed off a little bit longer than she thought. She grabbed her phone and cleared the notifications to check the time. It’s only two in the morning? Bertholdt and her really were stuck in old ass bodies. How could they be so sleepy at this hour, while all their friends were partying their asses off? She was about to shut off the lock screen until she remembered the notifications. They’re WhatsApp messages, and she recalled she left the bar without notice, so Krista and the rest might be worried.

 **Krista Lenz (10:03 P.M.)  
** _Annie why did you leave so suddenly?_ _:( you never came back_ _I tried looking for you outside but I couldn’t find you_

 **Krista Lenz (10:10 P.M.)  
** _Annie?_

 **Krista Lenz (10:12 P.M.)**  
_Did we do something to upset you?  
_

**Krista Lenz (10:21 P.M.)**  
_Reiner just told me you left with Bertholdt!!!! I kinda didn’t want the others to know_  
  
**Krista Lenz (10:21 P.M.)**  
_but Sasha overheard and told them when they asked.. I tried to stop her, sorry_ _:(_

“You’ve gotta be shitting me, Sasha” Annie started typing furiously. “Now people are going to think we hooked up”

 **Annie Leonhardt (2:08 A.M.)  
** _It’s not like that. I just got bored and told him to take my seat, and he left with me because he was feeling awkward. We ate some pancakes at Denny’s and that’s all there is to it, please just explain that._

“What a bunch of bullshit.”

Annie was about to wake up Bertholdt abruptly, in part to take out her anger on him, but she couldn’t. In hindsight, while not frequent, it’s not uncommon either of Annie to treat Bertholdt poorly at times to vent her frustration. _“Idiot”, “lame”_ , _“shut up”_ are regular words she uses on the occasions she vents on him. She doesn’t know why, but now that she sees him so vulnerable, sleeping on her couch in too much of an awkward position because of how big he is, she can’t help feeling sorry for him.

She’s going soft. She shrugged.

* * *

Reiner watched Bertholdt and Annie with intensity. Bertholdt rubbing his neck, looking away then looking back and smiling, grabbing her wrist. Annie smiling back, touching his shoulder. Just what is this? What is the matter with everyone? This is so out of character.

He was about to stand up to ask them what was up and tell them to sit back down with him and the rest. That is until Bertholdt extended his arm and Annie walked past him, then him following. They left the bar without telling anyone. Krista kept awaiting an answer from Reiner, but it seems he had been ignoring her for the last minute she had been talking.

“Reiner?”

Reiner snapped out of it.

“Yeah?”

“Oh, nothing. You were so quiet, I thought something was wrong.” she closed her eyes and smiled sweetly.

“Nah, it’s all good. I’m going to get another drink. Do you want anything?”

“No, it’s okay.” Krista looked around. “Oh, where’s Annie?”

Reiner stopped himself from clenching his fists. He got up without answering and walked towards the bar.

“You guys”, Krista said and everyone listened “where’s Annie? She’s not here.”

“She went to the bathroom, no?” Belanor said.

“But like ten minutes ago or some shit” answered Eren, while chewing some peanuts and swirling his boilermaker to watch the ice spin. Mikasa looked at him with her usual stone face.

“Eren, it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.”

Eren rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Belanor smiled and squeezed Mikasa’s hand with pride. She averted her gaze in embarrassment.

Reiner leaned against the counter, tapping his fingers against it.

“What are you having?” asked the bartender.

“Give me two shots of vodka.” He replied without emotion.

Reiner brought his hands to his face, covering it entirely for a moment. He pinched the bridge of his nose and kept leaning while waiting for his drink. He was so pissed off right now, but the rational part of himself was telling him two things: first, he didn’t own Bertholdt, therefore he could do whatever he wanted. Second, he doesn’t know the context behind them leaving, so he shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Both Annie and Bertl were shy, so in any case, they could have simply left out of comfort. However, he didn’t care. Right now, he wanted to be angry. He couldn’t stop thinking about Bertholdt grinding himself against Annie, her hands excitedly exploring the beautiful boy’s body. Bertholdt lifting Annie, pushing her against a wall while she wrapped her legs around his waist to pull them closer together.

Vodka. He needed that shot **now** to stop thinking.

“Here you go, sir.”

“Thanks.”

He drank the first shot in one gulp.

He’s always been like this. It’s not that he was crazy or possessive per se, this is something that only Bertholdt woke in him. In his eyes, Bertholdt was his—he was **his** best friend, **his** roommate, **his** everything. He was Reiner’s first friend, the only person who respected him when everyone else treated him like shit. He loved that beautiful boy from the moment he offered a hand to help him up after a beating. It doesn’t matter if Bertholdt was now a boy so shy he couldn’t even ask for an extra napkin at McDonalds. To Reiner, he was still his saviour. This feeling of indebtment made him incredibly possessive of him. He always thought Mikasa was crazy due to her clingy and overprotective treatment of Eren, and yet here he is. Sure, unlike Mikasa, he was pretty subtle, but that doesn’t change the fact he was a crazy fuck too. This is something that only Annie knew.

As kids, he’d get jealous whenever other children would talk to Bertholdt and he’d show them his toys. When they hit puberty, some girls, even guys, showed interest in the passive, quiet boy, and Reiner hated it. When Bertholdt first met Armin and they got along due to their passion of literature and knowledge, Reiner panicked, thinking he would be replaced. So, he started hitting the books, in hopes he would notice him again. But in Bertholdt’s eyes, he never stopped paying attention to Reiner. He never ceased to be the most important person in his life, or the object of his affections. He simply found a new friend, but to Reiner, this was unacceptable… until Annie literally slapped some sense into him.

“ _You need therapy, you fucking weirdo_ ” Annie had told him, unnerved by the mark she left on his cheek.

He thought she was being a total bitch when it happened, but deep down he knew it was true. He felt entitled to Bertholdt, and he drowned his pain—that goes deeper and isn’t limited to his love of Bertholdt, but other traumas in his life—through unhealthy means such as alcohol and lovers. This wasn’t normal, and he recognised it. But as long as he had Bertholdt, he didn’t think he needed anything else. He just needed him in his life, and he just wanted to know he was loved by him, even if only as a best friend. _**That**_ was his therapy. However, Reiner’s emotional issues couldn’t be healed by a boy that was just as, if not more, scarred. But he didn’t care.


	4. Time x Skip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I actually like this chapter for some reason. I hope you guys do too... *twiddles thumbs nervously*
> 
> If you like this chapter, please leave kudos or a comment so I can know if I'm doing something right. Criticism is also happily welcomed--anything to improve! Thank you for your time.
> 
> By the way, the hardest part about writing this chapter was coming up with a chapter name, lmaoo
> 
> PS. So you don't get confused by the time, when the perspective changes backs to Reiner's, Krista's etc, it's before the current perspective of Annie and Bertholdt. About an hour before. While it's about 1 A.M. for them, it's 2:30 for Annie and Bertholdt, so the events are not simultaneous.

She stared at Bertholdt for a full minute before she decided it was time to wake him up. It’s almost 2:30 A.M., she’s tired and wants to cuddle under the heaven that is her blanket. It’s recently washed too, so that is an even bigger treat. She can’t leave him like this, though. He’ll wake up very sore tomorrow, judging by the awful position he’s in right now. She gently kicked his shin.

“Bertholdt.” Nothing.

She placed her hand on his knee and vigorously shook his leg.

“Bertholdt!” Still nothing.

She grabbed a cushion and, with a decent amount of force, struck him in the face. “Bertholdt!” she called, this time a lot louder than the previous times.

He violently inhaled, choking on his saliva, which initiated a coughing fit. Annie wanted to laugh, she doesn’t know if it’s because she’s tired—and when she’s tired it feels as though she’s high; everything makes her laugh—but she found the boy in front of her and his reaction absolutely hilarious. She bit her inner cheek and waited for Bertholdt to calm down.

“Is it morning yet?” Bertholdt asked, rubbing his left eye with care. 

“No.” Annie replied blankly.

Bertholdt sat properly on the couch, raised his arms over his head, and stretched his back. Bone crack. His eyes were closed as he did so, and when he was done it was clear he was falling asleep while sitting.

“I woke you up because I was sure you’d snap in half due to the position you were in. Seriously, it’s beyond me how after all these years you still sleep like that.” Annie crossed her arms. “Get up.”

Bertholdt opened his eyes and looked at her. “Get up? But…” he didn’t finish his sentence, and reached his pocket to check his phone instead.

“But what? Get up.” she replied coldly.

“Can’t I crash on your couch? It’s late, and I don’t want to walk home. I’m sleepy. I’d probably slip, fall, hit my head, bleed out and die near an alleyway. That or I’d get mugged.” He rubbed both eyes this time.

Annie couldn’t help but smile warmly. Not only was Bertholdt quite the panicky type, his exaggerations were also both adorable and hilarious. Simply on-point. However, the smile reverted when realising she felt offended over him thinking she was trying to kick him out so late at night.

“Are you stupid or something?” Bertholdt looked at her with an upset expression that screamed “ _what did I do now?_ ”

Clearly, he didn’t understand what she was trying to convey, so she just explained. “I’m not trying to kick you out, you idiot. I’m just not letting you sleep on the couch, it’s cold and uncomfortable. You can use Ymir’s bed.” She threw the cushion at him and took off upstairs.

He held it to his chest tightly. “G-good night.” There was no response.

* * *

“Come on!” Eren begged.

“No!” Sasha responded, as best as she could with her mouth full, while protecting the fourth, giant bowl of guacamole and chips she ordered for the night.

Armin giggled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. “Sorry… this might take all night”, he shyly said to Belanor. Mikasa hid her face with her scarf in embarrassment, leaving only her eyes exposed. Tonight was supposed to be the night Mikasa would fully introduce her lover to her friends. Well, the ones that could come anyway. But as usual, Bertholdt disappeared into the shadows, Annie was nowhere to be seen, Eren was trying to show off his alcohol tolerance, and Sasha was stuffing her mouth with food, refusing to let go. Armin, Reiner and Krista were the only sane people in this group, Mikasa thought. She was so embarrassed she could die. Belanor noticed this, and couldn’t understand why.

“I like your friends”, he said with a sly smile.

“They’re embarrassing”, she muttered.

“Yeah, and that’s why I like them.” He wanted to remove that scarf and kiss her right there, but he knew better. She was too modest, the best he could get off her at that moment was hand-holding.

“Holy shit, I’m just asking you to dance with us, you fat fuck!” Eren sniped at Sasha. She didn’t take offense to that, she just kept looking at him while furiously chewing and swallowing her chips.

Eren was getting more frustrated. “Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to invite y—“

Krista slightly pushed Eren aside, making him lose track of his speech, and directed herself to Sasha.

“Sasha, you can always order another bowl of chips. Join us in our dance, it won’t be the same without you” she offered her trademark closed-eyes sweet smile that could steal the heart of Lucifer himself.

“Y-you goddess. Okay!” responded Sasha excitedly. She pushed the bowl aside and got up, ready to run towards the dance floor. Krista grabbed her arm before she could do so.

“S-sasha” she smiled “you have something on your lip”. She grabbed a napkin and wiped Sasha’s mouth.

“She’s really good at handling Sasha”, Armin said.

“That’s how you treat a lady, Eren.” Reiner crossed his arms with a smug smile. “Take notes before you die alone in a bathroom, in a pool of your own vomit.”

“ _W-What was that!? Come over here and say that to my face, motherfucker!"_   would be Eren’s response, had it been any other person, but it was Reiner, so he let it slide. Just like Connie and almost every guy in their class, Eren idolised Reiner and wanted to be like him. Reiner could spit on him and he would be so happy he could cry. After all, Reiner was the only person, besides Mikasa, who could tame his hot-headed self.

“Whatever”, Eren rolled his eyes. His expression suddenly changed to that of a happy boy in disbelief when entering a candy shop. “Armin! Let’s go!” He grabbed Armin’s arm and headed to the dance floor, dragging the scared boy along with him. “Last one to get there invites drinks for the whole group!”  

“Scratch that. I don’t like your friends—I love them!” Belanor said excitedly. “They’re so fucking weird it hurts. Let’s go!” He grabbed Mikasa’s hand and ran after Eren.

Sasha eyed Krista and Reiner. “I-I have no money, sorry!" she bolted towards the dance floor.

Reiner and Krista were the only ones left. Krista checked her phone. It was one in the morning, and Annie still hadn’t replied. Neither had Bertholdt. She hoped they were okay. She cared about the two of them a lot, and worried because of how introverted they were. Specially Bertholdt. Annie was introverted, but still carried a strong presence that made her very noticeable. She went to the bathroom, but everyone noticed and kept an eye every now and then. Bertholdt, on the other hand, no matter how tall and attractive he was, his personality made him invisible at times. Even she didn’t notice him sometimes, and this made her heart hurt.

“Is everything alright?” Reiner broke the silence, concerned.

“Yeah, I just wish Annie and Bertholdt were here.” Reiner frowned at this. “I wonder what happened. They haven’t replied to my messages and Bertholdt ignored my call, so I hope we didn’t do something to upset them.” She said with certain sadness.

Krista worried so much. It was a beautiful quality of her that drew people to her like magnets draw metal. She was one of the few people who noticed Bertholdt, for the most part, and deeply worried about his safety at all times. It’s not that the others didn’t care. Even if they sometimes didn’t notice him that much, like tonight, they still cared, loved and found him a fundamental part of the group. It’s just that sometimes they’re so invested in their conversations and how everyone naturally partakes in them, that they don’t remember to involve him.

“Well, who knows what they might be up to.” Reiner shrugged. “But I’m sure they’re fine, Bertholdt’s probably playing Overwatch and Annie’s watching anime or something”, he told her soothingly to ease her concern.

Krista visibly eased and smiled. “Okay. Let’s join the others, then. I’ve been dying to try out this new group dance, we have to teach it to Belanor!”

“Speaking of,” Reiner interjected. “what do you think of him? Yay or nay?”

“He’s cute. I’ve never met someone with heterochromia before.”

Reiner laughed. “That is such a teen girl thing to say. I don’t mean his looks. I mean, do you approve of him?”

Krista bumped Reiner’s hip with her own. “I know, silly!” she stuck her tongue at him and crossed her arms. He grinned at the cute gesture. “He seems to care about Mikasa a lot.” She continued. “The way he looks at her… it reminds me of how Bertholdt looks at Annie sometimes, you know?”

Reiner’s heart sank.

“I guess so.” He looked away from her.

“Do you approve?” she returned the question.

He looked at her again. “Yeah, definitely.” He observed his friends and grinned. Mikasa was covering her face with her scarf as Belanor did an inappropriate dance for her, Eren and Sasha were jumping around like maniacs while Armin watched, unable to contain his laughter.

“Hmph.” His grin reverted to a smile. “Well, let’s join them. We’re going to be the ones responsible for inviting the drinks now—” Krista ran before he could finish his sentence.

“Sorry, Rein, but not me!” she yelled, Reiner almost unable to hear her due to the tumult of the crowd.

“I swear to God…” he sneered. He ran after her. “Wait for me, will you!”

* * *

Annie was done removing her make-up and headed back to her room. She decided to check up on Bertholdt before doing so. The living room lights were off, so she assumed he listened to her and went to Ymir’s room. The door was open.

She peeked and saw him, lying on fetal position, clinging tightly to one of the pillows. A cute sight, she thought. She walked as silently as she could towards him, stopped, and looked down to him. He looked so peaceful. She gently caressed his hair and he moved slightly, letting out a sleepy moan. She froze, thinking she woke him up. He continued dozing, clinging to that pillow as if his life depended on it. She couldn’t stop staring at him, and she didn’t know why.

Was it because she felt lonely? Because she was inexplicably sad lately? Because she was in need of comfort? Annie didn’t know. She turned and headed back to her room.


	5. This Memory x and x This Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delving in Bertholdt's memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING!*  
> This contains material that, perhaps, some people could find painful due to previous experiences and whatnot. I'm sorry if, in any way, you relate to Bertholdt in this chapter. No one deserves that.
> 
> HELP, I CAN'T STOP WRITING. I suddenly got inspired while walking my dog, looking at the moon. AND I STILL HAVE MORE, HELPPPPPP
> 
> If you liked this chapter, please leave kudos or a comment so I can know if I'm doing something right. Criticism is also happily welcomed, I'm eager to improve! Thank you for your time.

_“Berthy, sweetie! It’s dinner time” Bertholdt’s mother called. She said “sweetie”! He perked up and grinned. Today was going to be a better day, he was sure of it!_

_“I’m coming, mommy!” eight-year-old Bertl replied, as he excitedly hurried down the stairs._

_Nowadays it was rare for his mother to be in a good mood. She had changed a lot ever since his father left them. His dad told him he’d come back and save him one day. He told him he didn’t care if his mother had the custody—he’d come back for him no matter what. Bertholdt didn’t understand what custody meant, or what his dad wanted to save him from._

_He still remembers his father’s tears wet his shoulder as he tightly embraced him._

_“I love you, my boy.”, he sobbed. “I’ll come back for you, that’s a promise.” He kissed his forehead._

_Bertholdt was crying too, but he didn’t know why. What was his father talking about? What’s a custody? What will he come back for? If he has to come back, that means he’s leaving, no? But why? He doesn’t understand anything right now and that makes him cry more._

_“Daddy?” Bertholdt called as a strange man in uniform apologised, saying time’s up now; he had already given them more time than permitted. His father kissed him again and ruffled his hair._

_“I’m so proud of you, my little champion.” he said with a weak smile, tears staining his cheeks; eyes tired, with black circles under them._

_Bertholdt tried clinging to his sleeve. “Daddy? Where are you going?” his voice cracked. His dad let go off his tiny hand, and just like that, the door was shut._

* * *

Annie couldn’t sleep. She kept rolling over, turning the A/C on and off, looking outside her window. She sat up, looked at the ceiling and sighed frustratingly. She plopped back down the mattress and thought about what to do. Maybe she should catch up on " _Black Butler_ "? Or perhaps read something. She’s been meaning to read “ _Crime and Punishment_ ” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Bertholdt said it was a good book, and Armin chimed in saying he adored the novel too. She could probably start now.

_Might as well get something to drink first._

She got up and opened the door to quietly head downstairs, but stopped when hearing noises coming from Ymir’s room. The door was closed now. She left it half-open, so Bertholdt must be awake now. What were those noises? He better not be doing something improper on Ymir’s bed.

She was about to knock on the door when she heard the noises clearly. They were sobs. Bertholdt was crying. But what for? Was he somehow affected by tonight? It can’t be. Should she walk in? Should she try to comfort him? No, she can’t. She’s had her own issues lately, and seeing someone else cry could probably stir something in her. She can’t afford to get weak in front of someone—specially someone like him. She doesn’t want him to think they’re on par emotionally, because they’re not. She’s **_not_** like him. She can deal with her issues on her own, and so should he. Too bad if he can’t.

She ignored his sobs and went down to the kitchen. She served herself a glass of water and drank it right there. She wasn’t tired or sleepy, this is frustrating. It’s summer vacation, so surely there’s no harm done in binge-watching something. She’ll just do that. She doesn’t feel like reading Dostoyevsky now anyway; all these long Russian names would just give her a headache.

She made her way back to her room, walking past Ymir’s room, still hearing Bertholdt’s sobs.

“Tch.”

She grabbed her iPad and plopped on the mattress. She was about to get on the CrunchyRoll app, but stopped. She felt guilty right now. Bertholdt was a childhood friend, who worried about her, even though she always shrugged him off. Even though she always told him she didn’t need and want his help, she still appreciated his concern and the fact he tried to help her. She didn’t say it, but she was grateful. He was a good person, and a good friend. This good friend was on the room next door crying, most likely in severe need of comfort, and she just ignored him. Like she always does.

Tears threatened to leak, blurring her vision. She looked for “ _Black Butler_ ”, and watched until she fell asleep.

* * *

_Bertholdt sat and looked at his food, waiting for his mother to join so he could dig in. A frozen meal that was barely cooked. It looked unpleasant, but that’s okay. His mother made it, so it was the best meal he’d ever have. He looked excitedly at her, and she finally sat down._

_She didn’t look as happy as he expected her to. She started eating without saying a word, so he took that as a sign to start eating as well. The meat was disgusting. He was trying hard not to gag, it would sadden his mother if she found out he didn’t like it._

_“How was school?” she asked sternly without looking at him._

_“I learned something!” his eyes light up. “A book said that rain is evaporated water! It had a word I didn’t know, so I asked Ms. Hange, but she’s not my tea—“ Bertholdt’s mother hit the table. He jumped from the surprise and stopped talking._

_She put her hands under her chin and looked at him without blinking. “That’s great, sweetie.” Words that would usually be pronounced sweetly by a nurturing mother, emanated venom, and contempt, with an expression to match._

_“Berthy.” She had his full attention. “Would you like to know how mommy’s day at work went?”_

_“Y-yes” he replied, shaking in his boots._

_“It was absolute shit.” He didn’t know how to reply, cringing at the bad word kids shouldn’t say._

_“And do you want to know why it was shit?” he didn’t even have time to reply before she continued, getting increasingly worked up with every word._

_“Because I haven’t had a promotion in years. All my male co-workers are rising, while I’m stuck in a shit-hole because I couldn’t work for years after having you.” She looked furious now. “Forced to do shit work that a piece of shit intern should do, all because of you.” She clenched her fists. “I can’t do **shit** because of you.” _

_Bertholdt’s lips were quivering, tears forming in his eyes. This sight only angered his mother more. Not even thirty seconds passed before he felt something hit his face. She had thrown her cup at him, pouring soda all over the table, his chair, the floor, and him. It wasn’t made of glass, so it didn’t shatter and injure him, but it still hurt and it was the shock, more than anything, that made him combust into tears._

_She stood up. “Quit your fucking crying and make yourself useful. Clean this, I have to go somewhere.” She took off upstairs, leaving eight-year-old Bertholdt a crying mess. He grabbed a cloth from the counter and got on his knees to dry the chair and floor, sobbing uncontrollably. He wanted his dad, but he didn’t know where he was.  
_

* * *

Bertholdt had that dream again. The memory of his father leaving, and now he couldn’t stop remembering. When he woke up, he realised he was crying in his sleep, and that even though he was awake now, he couldn’t stop. He kept sobbing, over and over again, uncontrollably. He was hurting so bad right now.

“Reiner” he managed to say between sobs. “Reiner… help me.”


	6. Bertholdt's x Anger (NSFW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... this is the first time I've ever written something NSFW. I'm embarrassed, but I dunno... SORRYYYYY I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THIS, DON'T JUDGE ;-; 
> 
> By the way, I know there's a lot of vulgar and ineloquent language in this chapter, particularly in the last part, but I thought it was necessary to express Bertholdt's anger. 
> 
> If you liked this chapter, please leave kudos or a comment so I can know if I'm doing something right. Criticism is also happily welcomed, I'm eager to improve! Thank you for your time.

_"Bertholdt” Reiner cupped his face, eyes reddened and dry tears on his cheeks, giving him the warmest smile he could, in midst of the pain he felt by seeing the person he loved the most in so much suffering. “I will always be here.” Reiner managed to say, after finally calming down._

_“It doesn’t matter how late it is, don’t ever hesitate to call me. Please.”_

_Overwhelmed by his words, by the situation, by his love of Reiner; Bertholdt started crying harder, with much more intensity and pain. “Reiner.” He hugged him as tightly, and with as much love, as he could. Their bodies were so close together they felt as one._

_“I love you, Reiner.” He managed to say almost inaudibly. Reiner’s grip on the hug loosened, and his eyes widened, tears filling his eyes again the instant he heard those words. Time stopped for a moment, and Reiner lost it. His lips quivered, and he let go off the breath he didn’t know he was holding. And with that, he started crying harder than before—the harder he ever had in his life._

_“Don’t ever try something like this again!” he desperately said, no, he **demanded** , in midst of his sobs. He stopped hugging his friend, gripped his shoulders rigidly, and forced him to make eye contact. The sight of Bertholdt’s devastated face both destroyed and angered him. _

_“Do you hear me!?” he violently shook him. “Don’t you ever dare do something like this again!” the tenderness was gone, ire replacing Reiner’s initially gentle tone. Bertholdt’s eyes, now painful and puffy from the intense crying, widened._

_“Do you have any idea what would be of me if you were gone!?” his voice cracked. “I can’t believe you’d do something like this.” Reiner wept, now screaming. “I would die without you!”_

_The pain of seeing Reiner in this state overshadowed the previous ache he had been feeling. “I’m so sorry.” is all he managed to say, desperately bawling._

* * *

His weeping stopped. “ _I will always be here._ ” In times of despair, these words always came to his mind. Reiner would always be there. All he had to do was call him. It’s three in the morning, but for once, Bertholdt will be selfish. He needs him.

He grabbed his phone from the nightstand, unlocked the screen and looked for Reiner in his contacts. Call.

* * *

The stranger was moaning, biting Reiner’s ear while scratching his back, foisting pain but increasing the sensation of pleasure the friction elicited between their bodies. He had no idea who this girl was, but she craved human contact right now as much as he did, and her apartment was closer to the bar than his. He sucked on her neck, lowering to find her breasts, left hand exploring her back and waist, while he drew circular motions on her clitoris with the right one.

She curled her toes, arching her back and pulling him in for a kiss. He ground his erection against her sensitive sex, eliciting a moan from both of them.

“Fuck”, he murmured into the kiss. He pulled away and sucked on his fingers, tasting her before he planned to insert them inside her. She sucked on his neck, while massaging his throbbing, hard cock—her thumb paying special attention to the head. A ringtone interrupted.

Reiner looked back at the chair where his pants laid, wondering who could be calling him right now. His friends knew he left with someone, so why would they even **_think_** of bothering him? The stranger cupped his cheeks, pulling him in for another kiss, making him forget about it.

Silence.

He grabbed a condom from the nightstand, ready to open it, until the ringtone started again. Fuck it.

“Just a sec.” He quickly got up, making the bed creak, and bolted towards the chair.

“Okay, seriously?” she asked, perplexed.

“Just a sec!” He begged.

He checked the caller. It was Bertholdt. Damn, what could he want at this hour? He couldn’t have possibly chosen a worse time. He accepted the call.

“Bertholdt?” Reiner’s shaky, agitated voice spoke.

Bertholdt froze for a moment. “R-Reiner, did I wake you up?” Was Reiner at home?

Reiner’s breathing was still uneven, Bertholdt could clearly hear it through the phone.

“Uh, no…” he looked at the girl, still with desire, but growing impatient. “Is something the matter?”

Bertholdt snuff. “I was just wondering if you could co—“

“Oh my God” an exasperated, almost inaudible voice from the other line interrupted. Bertholdt’s mouth opened to say something, but no words came out. A girl.

Reiner shot her a glare, as if saying “ _shut up_ ”. He was still hard, but if this interruption lasted any longer, he was going to lose the heat of the moment.

“Oh.” Bertholdt said. “I didn’t know you were with someone. Sorry.”

Reiner wondered why Bertholdt sounded disappointed. There was even a tone of sadness, is that why he called him at this hour? Did something happen?

“Bertholdt” called Reiner, somewhat impatiently. “Is something wrong?”

“N-no. Sorry. You can keep doing whatever you were doing. Good night.”

“Are you su—“

He hung up on him.

Reiner shrugged it off, and placed his phone back on the chair. He began jerking his cock, to foment the arousal again. He walked towards the girl, whose name he hadn’t even bothered to ask yet, ready to pounce. He placed one knee on the bed, but she placed her hand on his abdomen, stopping him before he could lean over her.

“Kinda ruined the mood.” She said, making eye contact. Truth is, she still wanted him, badly, but her pride was wounded due to him choosing a phone call over her. Who does that?

Reiner held still for a moment, but decided to proceed by caressing her thighs and gently sucking on her neck, his palm placed on stomach, slowly pushing her onto the mattress. She gasped quietly.

He put his elbow over her head to support himself, and pressed his lips against her ear.  “Are you sure?” he asked softly, sending shivers down her spine. “Because,” he placed his hand between her legs and stroked her clitoris “I can stop.” He ended his sentence as he moved a little bit lower, and slowly inserting a finger inside her.  “Do you want me to stop?” he inserted a second. He made a “come hither” motion with his index and middle finger, softly, building up to a hard thrust. She felt his hot breath on her, his free hand roaming all over her erogenous areas.

Her moans eradicated the silence in the room, making Reiner’s cock twitch in desire. She needed this man whose name she didn’t even know. The thrusting suddenly stopped, bringing her out of her trance and back into the real world. He placed his index finger and thumb on her chin, turning it so they were face to face. “Do you?”

She bit her lip. “No.” She begged, wrapping her arms around his neck, staring at his feral eyes. “Don’t stop.”

He smiled. He grabbed the condom packet again, and opened it.

* * *

So, Reiner was busy. Why wasn’t he surprised? Fuck, he hates the idea of him screwing other people. Fuck! How could he just go around, doing intimate things with any stranger he found? Had he no shame? Disgusting. He threw his phone on the bed angrily and brought his knees to his chest, hands shaking. His sorrow was replaced with vexation. Every time he found out about Reiner sleeping around, he felt disgusted and infuriated. He doesn’t understand. Does he like Krista or not? He can’t imagine liking someone and still choose to constantly sleep around with strangers. What is wrong with him? He had issues, but Reiner wasn’t any better. At least Bertholdt didn’t try to fuck anything that moved.

 _Disgusting! Disgusting! Disgusting! You’re disgusting, Reiner_!

He was clenching his abdomen so hard, he felt he was squeezing the life out of himself. He feels so gross right now. What exactly is Reiner doing? While he’s in a time of need, sitting on a bed that isn’t his, formerly holding a pillow stained with tears, Reiner is sticking his dick in who knows whom. All happy and dandy, right? While he, on the other hand, is being miserable. “ _I will always be here_ ” my ass. More like “ _I will always be here, unless I’m fucking some random bitch, because in that case, fuck you. #sorrynotsorry_.” Bertholdt is **_pissed_**. Pissed at Reiner for being a man-whore, pissed at himself for being weak and dependent, pissed at Annie for not noticing him—pissed at life in general.

He’s going home. He opened the window to let fresh air in while he made Ymir’s bed, shut it as soon as he was done, and headed for the bathroom to groom.  He removed his shirt and dusted it off, ruffled his hair and brushed it back with his fingers. He put his shirt back on, and took off. He made sure he wasn’t leaving anything behind, and locked the door before leaving.


	7. To x Be x Replaced

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than the others. I had fun writing this one, it's a bit happier in contrast to the last two, which have been a little "sad".
> 
> Bertholdt might seem pretty sassy this chapter, but it's just him being angry at Reiner. He's also very talkative. People tend to think that because he's introverted and shy, he stutters every two sentences and hardly talks at all. He feels comfortable with those close to him, therefore he acts pretty cool. It's only on big groups where he shrinks completely, but other than that, he's fairly normal (at least this Bertl). However, this does mark the start of a little change his life will undergo.
> 
> I hope you guys like this one. At this point, I'm not even sure if there's still anyone reading, but oh well xD
> 
> And as always, if you liked this chapter, please leave kudos or a comment so I can know if I'm doing something right. Criticism is also happily welcomed, I'm eager to improve! Thank you for your time.

“Okay, I’m back.”

Ymir’s attention directed back to her laptop, smiling when seeing Krista on the screen again.

“So?” Krista asked with a smile, sitting down. “How has it been?”

“Ugh.” Ymir threw her head back in annoyance. “It’s been sucking balls”, she brought it back up.

Krista smiled, knowing it was a lie. She pretended to gasp in surprise. “No way.” She furrowed her eyebrows. “One of the best resorts in the country sucks? I wouldn’t have guessed”, she faked a frown.

“You’re mocking me” Ymir stated, a smug smile plastered on her face. She was sitting back, her arm around the dining chair and her right leg crossed. This made her look even cockier, but in a sexy way, thought Krista.

“You’re loving it and you know that I know it.” Krista stated.

Ymir crossed her arms, looking to her side. She stayed in that position for three seconds. “Okay, yeah.” She cried eagerly, suddenly leaning on the table. Krista could now see her face clearly, rather than her entire body. “It’s been fucking awesome”, she let out a short, excited laugh, the type of laugh you release when someone busts you in an innocent lie. “You would adore this place, I **_have_** to take you here!” she leaned on her right hand.

Krista, legs brought to her chest, held her mug of chocolate with both hands, momentarily releasing one to increase the volume on her mac.

“Tell me everything.”

* * *

Bertholdt was about to break. His legs rested on his chest, his hand on his mouth,  trying to reach a tissue with the other. His eyes were starting to fill with tears, blurring his vision and almost making him unable to see what was in front of him clearly.

He snuff, snot threatening to leak. 

“I can’t believe it.” He said, his voice breaking. He wiped the tears with his sleeve.

“ _Will you stay by my side until I wake?”_

_“I’ve never left your side. I’ll always be here.”_

Bertholdt exhaled through his mouth, his chest shuddering three times while doing it.

_“Komugi…”_

_“Yes, yes? What is it?”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“You’re welcome.”_

He rested his chin on his knees, hugging his legs. His vision was blurring again.

_“Will you call me…”_

_“Yes?”_

_“by my name one last time?”_

“Fuck, man, fuck!” Bertholdt sobbed, his voice breaking. “This just isn’t fair!”

_“Good night, Meruem… I’ll be joining you soon.”_

The TV screen went black.

“Damn.” He wiped his eyes with his sleeve again. “This arc was so fucking good.” He grabbed his phone from the table, unlocking the screen and immediately searching Annie on his WhatsApp contacts.

 **Bertholdt (17:54 P.M.):  
** _I’m crying like a fucking bitch_

He got up to throw away the used tissues, and to serve himself a well-deserved cup of coffee. He washed his face on the sink, and his phone vibrated before he had the chance to grab a mug.

 **Banana (17:55 P.M.):**  
_Lmaooo_

 **Banana (17:55 P.M.):**  
_Let me guess… ep 135?_

Bertholdt laughed. Of course she’d guess immediately.

 **Bertholdt (17:55 P.M.):  
**_Yeah… that was depressing af  
_  
**Bertholdt (17:56 P.M.):**  
_Tbh, I didn’t think I’d get that emotional. But dude, the character development on Meruem… and Komugi, the way she changed him in just a matter of days_

 **Bertholdt (17:57 P.M.):**  
_I fucking hate Netero now lmao_

 **Banana (17:57 P.M.):**  
_Everyone cried during that episode.. and nahhh Netero was cool, but it’s hard not to side with the King after seeing his changes lol_

 **_Bertholdt (17:58 P.M.):_ ** _  
Even you? I guess Togashi really can bring tears to anyone’s eyes, even to those of cold hearted snakes :O_

 **Banana (17:58 P.M.):**  
_Cunt. I’m not recommending an anime to you ever again_

Bertholdt smiled and put away his phone, deciding to continue the conversation later. His comment was one of those jokes that held a ring of truth to them, meaning that Bertholdt did think of Annie as emotionless, but tried to make a joke out of it. He thought she wouldn’t care, like everything else he said, but this wasn’t the case. Comments like that made Annie feel like trash, specially when they came from Bertholdt. This isn’t something she’d let him know, though.

He grabbed his favourite mug, an Overwatch mug of his favourite hero, Genji, and poured himself a generous amount of coffee. He felt at great ease right now. He had been binge-watching Hunter x Hunter for three days now. He hardly picked up his phone, only to spam Annie about what was happening and his reactions, and to check Facebook every now and then.

For the last three days, he had locked himself in his room, just leaving it to go to the bathroom and grab snacks. He walked, sometimes ran in excitement, past Reiner every time, without saying a word. The first time Reiner knocked on his door to greet him was three days ago, which was hours after he left Annie’s house. Bertholdt told him to “ _fuck right off._ ” Reiner took it humorously, but he wanted to tell him about his one-night-stand, and to ask why he had called him so late at night, so he walked in.

When he opened the door, Bertholdt was shirtless, fashioning only Nike shorts that exposed his toned, long legs. He was lying on his bed, two pillows behind his neck, a leg crossed and holding his iPad—brows furrowed and expression in extreme concentration. An incredibly sexy sight for Reiner—he wanted to jump on him.

“Bro, I gotta tell you about this chick I hooked up with last night.” Reiner leaned against the wall, crossing his arms.

Bertholdt ignored him.

He smirked. “I don’t remember her name, hell, I don’t think I even asked for it…“

He noticed Bertholdt was still ignoring him. He raised a brow.

“Oh yeah, what was it that you called me for? Sorry if I sounded annoyed, but—“

“Dude, would you shut the fuck up? I’m trying to watch Hunter x Hunter.” Bertholdt sternly looked at him. “Tch. Now I gotta rewind.” He looked back at the iPad screen.

Normally, he’d laugh at such a comment, but Bertholdt not only sounded, but **_looked_** angry as well. Reiner couldn’t even fake a laugh because of this. Was he actually mad because he interrupted a stupid show? Bertholdt could just pause it and keep watching later. Perhaps he just didn’t give a shit about his night. Or perhaps he was angry because he left the bar abruptly and Reiner didn’t check up on him.

“Hey, pause that for a second.” Reiner asked of him.

Bertholdt complied and stared at him, face completely blank. Reiner couldn’t even decipher what Bertholdt was feeling right now. He looked utterly emotionless.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked seriously.

Bertholdt continued staring, his expression making Reiner feel uneasy.

“Not really.” he replied blankly, never breaking eye contact. He was furious, but he wouldn’t let him know that. Bertholdt was usually the shy one, but this time Reiner was the one tempted to look away.

“However,” he said before Reiner had the chance to break eye contact, making Reiner look intently again “I don’t appreciate you barging into my room to tell me about some chick you fucked instead of asking how I am or how my night went, or where I even went to begin with.” Bertholdt laughed, though not comically at all. “Bros before hoes, right?”

“Are you seriously mad at me because I had a one-night stand?” Reiner asked perplexed.

“I told you, I’m not mad. I’m madder about you interrupting my show, it’s getting hella good.” Bertholdt looked at the screen for a moment. Reiner was about to speak, but Bertholdt looked at him again and continued. “I just don’t feel like listening to you rant about how you fucked someone, again, like pretty much every weekend, where you babble and babble and I just listen.” He stretched his arms. “It’s getting boring, to be honest. I really don’t give a fuck. If you’re so eager to tell me, just keep your dick in your pants for a bit and don’t make it a habit so it doesn’t get boring, or just tell someone else.” He placed his arms on his head. “I don’t know if you’re looking to impress or feel good about yourself, but on second thought, keep me out of it.” His tone and expression were stern and clear.

Reiner’s mouth was hanging. He didn’t know what to say.

“Well, what are you still doing here?” Bertholdt asked, as if Reiner wasn’t doing something obvious he was supposed to be doing.

“Bertholdt, what the actual fuck has gotten into you?” Reiner asked, feeling anger build up. “Why are you being such a dick?”

“You’re being annoying, get out. I told you I’m trying to watch my show.” 

Reiner had enough and left the room, making sure to slam the door as hard as he could.

“Don’t slam my fucking door!” yelled Bertholdt, obvious rage in his voice.

Fucking Bertholdt. What’s gotten up his ass? Reiner was shaking. It was extremely rare to see Bertholdt angry, but it was even rarer to see him with such an expressionless face. Reiner could feel he was furious, but at the same time, his face betrayed such a notion because of how ** _emotionless_** he looked.

This is fucking ridiculous. Did he and his best friend just fight over a show? No, it couldn’t be that. There’s something deeper going on, something he’s missing.

“ _I don’t appreciate you barging into my room to tell me about some chick you fucked instead of asking how I am or how my night went, or where I even went to begin with”_ Bertholdt’s words echoed in his head.

So, that’s what it was about? He did notice that Bertholdt left the bar, but he didn’t ask because… because. He had no answer. He was angry and jealous, so he didn’t ask. Okay, so he didn’t call, but neither did Bertholdt. He didn’t say why and where he left, and he didn’t talk to Reiner all night. At least not until… well. Maybe that’s when Bertholdt wanted to talk about why he left. Should Reiner have ditched the stranger? Did he fuck up? Should he go apologise? He tapped his temple, thinking. He’ll just leave Bertholdt alone for now.

After this encounter, they hadn’t talked at all, but Reiner **_did_** check up on him, without the other knowing. He’d stay behind his door, pressing his ear to know what he was up to. Most of the time was because he wanted to walk in and talk things out, but he didn’t have the courage to.

The second day Bertholdt ordered pizza, and he didn’t tell Reiner about it. He simply walked past Reiner, who was lying on the couch with his laptop, and was about to stand after hearing a knock on the door. Since Bertholdt beat him to it, he remained seated, and observed him instead. Bertholdt grabbed a box of pizza and a bag containing napkins and a large sized soda bottle. He **_very_** happily thanked the person outside as he handed the cash, locked the door and ran like hell to his room.

Reiner felt like shit. He waited for a minute to pass, and walked to Bertholdt’s door. He pressed his ear on it to listen to what was going on inside. Did he sneak someone in without him realising?

“Uh, half pepperoni and half six cheeses!” he shyly announced. Who was he talking to?

“ ** _Six_** cheeses? A six cheeses pizza?” a voice replied, who belonged to none other than Annie, who burst into laughter.

Bertholdt laughed nervously. “What? It’s one of the tastiest pizzas, specially with thin crust.”

“And family sized too. You’re gross, Bertl.”

He grinned. “A-Annie! Stop judging me!” his voice broke in a giggle. “Hasn’t your food arrived yet?”

Reiner straightened up and leaned against the wall.

“You didn’t even order a normal, canned soda, you ordered an actual bottle. You’re such a pig.” she said, clearly in a good mood.

“S-stop!” he begged

“No, it hasn’t arrived yet. I’m starving, I hate waiting.”

“Yeah, I’m hungry too.”

“Then eat, idiot. Your food is right there.”

“It’s okay, I’ll wait for you.” he smiled. “Then we can start watching together.”

This is something only Bertholdt noticed, though barely, as he was the one skyping with Annie, but she reddened at the comment. Reiner frowned at the on-going conversation. He felt like such a creep.

“Did you offer Reiner a couple of slices? If not, offer him some before you gobble the whole thing down.”

“Gobble it down Super Buu style”, said Bertholdt, absolutely proud he made a Dragon Ball Z reference, which Annie noticed and smiled at.

“Nah, hell no I haven’t. He can get his own shit if he’s hungry.”

“You’re acting fairly strange towards him lately” she stated. “Almost as though you had a vendetta or something, it’s really weird of you.”

Silence. Reiner’s heart was pounding.

Suddenly, Bertholdt gasped for air, as one does when drinking too much of something too fast. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He was about to continue his sentence, but he suddenly burped. Really, really loud.

“Oh my God!” he said in panic “A-Annie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—“

Annie’s laugh filled the room, Bertholdt trying to barge a word but unable to.

Reiner was done. He really didn’t want to keep listening to these two babble like best friends. He was supposed to be Bertholdt’s best friend. He should be in there with him, eating that pizza. Had he been replaced? He wanted to cry. Fuck Bertholdt.


	8. Pain x And X Abandonment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, why the hell did writing this chapter towards the end make me so sad lol AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'M SO SORRY REINER, I LOVE YOU
> 
> I LOVE ALL OF YOU WHO ACTIVELY READ THIS SHITTY FANFIC. PLS MARRY ME <3 
> 
> The title is what Reiner is feeling throughout this entire chapter.

“So, brunch it is?” asked Annie, phone cradled on her shoulder, skimming through shirts in her closet.

“Yeah,” the voice on the other line responded. “I’m checking Waze and it seems there’s less traffic around iHop than Denny’s, so we should probably head there.”

“Bummer.” said Annie with a smile she was glad the recipient couldn’t see. “I wanted one of those pancake puppies, but I guess iHop will have to do.” She feigned disappointment.

“Lady, we’re going to a place that literally only serves pancakes, how’s that a bummer?” the voice responded.

Annie set the call to speaker and placed her phone on the nighttable next to her bed. She grabbed a shirt that drew her attention and tried it on. She smiled.

“A place that only serves pancakes but doesn’t have pancake puppies.” she exclaimed.

“Women.” the voice said humorously. “They’re so picky.”

“Sorry, I didn’t hear that. Come again?” a smile grew on her face. “By the way, did I tell you I’ve been working on my roundhouse kicks?” she said casually, in an attempt to let the recipient know that if he said something like that again, he’d be one of her test subjects.

“N-nothing.” the voice said nervously. “I was just babbling, you know I do that a lot.” he responded as he scratched his temple.

“That’s what I thought.” She looked at herself in the mirror and cupped her breasts, fixing up her bra. “Let me know when you’re about to leave. This picky girl needs to get ready.”

“What colour is your underwear?” the voice asked, not in a flirtatious fashion but a friendly, playful one.

She huffed. “You’re pressing your luck, Bertholdt.”

“S-sorry. I’m trying to be more assertive.” he laughed nervously.

“Acting like a pervert isn’t being assertive, you moron.” she said seriously. This scared him.

“S… I… ah. SORRY! I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I LEAVE.”

He hung up on her as fast as he could. He was dying of embarrassment.

* * *

One week has passed since Bertholdt and Reiner had their argument. During this time, Bertholdt and Annie had been spending a lot of time together. They’d been calling, skyping, chatting—even playing games. The contributing factor to this is that Bertholdt and Reiner still weren’t back to normal. Things were extremely awkward, as Reiner was too cowardly to approach Bertholdt to talk things out, and Bertholdt was too resentful and prideful to address the issue. However, there was a difference.

Reiner was agonising, while Bertholdt was completely fine. Most people thought that Bertholdt was the passive, submissive one in their friendship. Because Reiner was gregarious and popular, it was only natural to believe he had the stronger presence between the two.

Bertholdt was introverted and timid, he completely shrank in large groups and was, essentially, a sweating machine of shyness whenever attention was placed on him. He usually hid behind Reiner whenever they were in crowded places, so **_surely,_** he was the passive one—the one who chased Reiner whenever something between them happened, the one who would **_agonise_** and feel alone. Because he was the one that had more to lose... Right?

This was absolutely wrong. In midst of his shyness and low self-esteem, Bertholdt was extremely prideful and vengeful when it came to Reiner. Whenever Reiner did something that hurt Bertholdt, without him even knowing, he couldn’t help acting indifferent.

This was not always the case. In fact, it wasn’t frequent, but it **_did_** happen. And when it did happen, he **_loved_** to make Reiner agonise. He **loved** to act indifferent, he **loved** to ignore him and seem completely happy without him. He knew he held power over Reiner, and he **_loved_** to pour salt on his wounds.

However, these twisted feelings did not derive from sadism or hatred. Precisely because Bertholdt loved him deeply, more than he loved anyone, he enjoyed doing this. Because it made Reiner focus his entire attention on him.

When they fought, Reiner ceased to function. He didn’t hang out with people, he didn’t sleep around. He just stayed at home, watching TV, or headed to the gym—but he didn’t do anything which could hurt Bertholdt. Everything ceased to exist, because he couldn’t stand being on bad terms with the boy he loved.

They’d always patch things up, of course. But the road in-between was always incredibly painful for Reiner. It was easy for Bertholdt to dissociate himself from those feelings—he could play games, watch anime, read, work out. He was so used to being invisible and having no one, that detaching his feelings was simple. And yet, he couldn’t live without Reiner. He was only able to do this because he knew of the power he held over him. He knew he had Reiner on the palm of his hand, and that no matter how much Bertholdt distanced himself from him, he would still be there. He would never leave him, and Bertholdt rejoiced on this. But never did Bertholdt consider the what if-s. What if Reiner one day decided he had enough? What if? Ignoring him then would probably be the worst decision of his life, and Bertholdt didn’t even contemplate it.

* * *

Reiner was in bed, lying on his left side, arms curled and both hands under his ear. He could hear Bertholdt playing Overwatch on the other room, door open, strategising with his teammates and raging on his “ _worthless healer_ ”. His eyes felt heavy and sad.

He couldn’t get his argument with Bertholdt out of his head. It’s been one **week**. That’s too long. He still doesn’t understand why Bertholdt was so angry with him. He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s always telling him about his hook-ups, or if it’s because he didn’t talk to him that night after he abruptly left, or if it’s because he didn’t ditch the stranger that night. He doesn’t know, and it’s killing him.

He could easily ask what the source of his anger was, but he was too scared. He had asked Annie various times if Bertholdt had talked about him, or if he had mentioned anything out of the ordinary, but Annie said he hadn’t. This was a lie.

Silence.

Reiner turned over, now laying on his back, placing both hands underneath his head. More silence. Had Bertholdt stopped playing? He sat. He could hear the closet opening and closing, and the noise of Bertholdt plopping on his mattress. Was he changing clothes? He mustered enough courage to stand up and go talk to him.

He walked towards his door, but quickly hid as he caught a glimpse of his friend. He pressed his back against the wall, placed a hand on his chest and took a deep breath. He knocked on the door.

“Yeah?” Reiner heard movement.

“Can I come in?” the sound ceased.

Silence. It feels as though time has frozen.

“Yeah.” replied Bertholdt, time moving again. Reiner’s hands were shaking, so he placed them behind his back. Bertholdt’s palms were sweating.

Reiner walked in and stood underneath the door’s arc. Bertholdt was sitting on his bed, leaning to tie his shoes.

“Watcha doing?” asked Reiner.

Bertholdt grabbed the laces and fixated his eyes on the shoes. “Just changing my shoes. The other ones felt uncomfortable.” he looked at Reiner.

“Oh.” is all Reiner managed to say.

Bertholdt swallowed. Reiner’s eyes looked so sad, which stirred something in him. He was able to act tough and dissociate himself, but whenever he looked at Reiner, he crumbled. He stopped tying his shoes and just stared at him, still leaning.

Silence filled the room, and time appeared to stop moving again. All that was happening was the two boys frozen in place, looking at each other. Reiner’s eyes were stinging, threatening to water.

Bertholdt broke eye contact and continued tying his shoes. “What were you doing?”

“Just lying in bed. Been feeling pretty lazy lately.” Reiner answered, now placing his hands inside his hoodie’s pockets. “Must be the food coma from all the crap I’ve been eating.” he managed to smile weakly.

Bertholdt looked at him, his heart racing and breathing accelerated. He wanted to jump on Reiner and hug him until the end of time.

More silence, more staring.

“N-netflix just released Jurassic World.” Reiner’s voice broke. “I was going to order some pizza and re-watch it, you want to join me?”

_Yes, of course I do. Of course I want to sit on the couch with you, watch one of our favourite silly films and eat pizza with you. Of course I want to ramble about how unrealistic some things are and have you hit me, telling me to shut up and stop being annoying. Of course I want to fight you over the last slice of pizza, you selfishly grabbing it, to then say you were kidding and planned giving it to me all along. I want to cuddle you, and kiss you, and marry you. I want to apologise and cry in your arms and say that I’m deeply sorry for being a toxic piece of shit._

“Sorry.” Bertholdt looked away and stood up, grabbing his phone and car keys. “I’m already busy.” _I want to ditch my plans and spend all afternoon with you._ Bertholdt looked at him. “Going to grab brunch with Annie.” He walked past him and placed his hand on Reiner’s shoulder, offering a smile. “Have fun, though. I’ll see you later.”

Once out of sight, Bertholdt’s smile faded and his expression immediately changed to one of deep sorrow.

Reiner was left looking at the floor, lips quivering and tears blurring his vision.


	9. Temptation x And x Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, another chapter! I'm excited because I have something big coming up. I can't wait for you guys to read it!!!
> 
> As always, if you liked this chapter, please leave kudos or a comment so I can know if I'm doing something right. Criticism is also happily welcomed, I'm eager to improve! Thank you for your time, I LOVE THOSE OF YOU WHO ACTIVELY READ THIS :D

“Dammit!” Bertholdt cussed impatiently. “This is my twelfth fucking attempt, why is this so hard!?” he waited a couple of seconds before starting again. He was playing Geometry Dash on his phone. He already told Annie he was outside, so he was just waiting for her.

He tried once more. He was doing better.

“I’m doing it!” he screamed to himself. “I’m doing it, I can do it, so I’m doing it!” he screamed maniacally, a huge grin on his face. He failed at 92%.

He was still grinning, eyes widened, staring at the screen. 92%. His grin reverted to a smile. The smiling ceased. He threw his phone on the passenger’s seat, it falling on the mat.

“Fuck!” he screamed.

He crossed his arms and looked out the window. A couple of seconds later he realised he probably shouldn't have thrown his phone, so he leaned towards the passenger seat’s mat and picked it up.

He saw Annie was walking towards the car.

“About time.” he smiled. She looked great.

She opened the door. He welcomed her with a kind smile, arm around the passenger’s seat.

“Hey.” she greeted without looking at him.

“Are you ready for some pancakes?” he asked excitedly. She moved his arm away.

“I haven’t eaten anything today except for a fucking wheatgrass smoothie, and it sucked ass. You’re damn right I’m ready.” She sniped.

He laughed. “So, I take it you went to the gym today.”

“Yeah.” She shot him as glare as if saying “ _why haven’t you started the engine already, you fuck_ ”.

He stared at her. She looked pretty.

“Are you ever going to start the engine or something?” That was not a question, it was a demand concealed as a question. Blood would be shed if they didn’t leave now. His blood. Why are women so cranky when hungry?

“O-off we go” Bertholdt announced. He started the engine.

_And she sounded in such a good mood on the phone. Women... what an enigma._

Annie crossed her arms and looked out the window.

* * *

Reiner was sitting on the couch, both legs crossed, waiting for the pizza to arrive. He held a blanket on top of his hoodie. He was cold—he usually is when he feels emotionally unstable. Everything feels so unnatural right now, so out of character. Annie stopping by with much more frequency, Bertholdt treating him as an acquaintance rather than a friend, Reiner unable to direct a word towards Bertholdt.

Reiner is hurting a lot, and Bertholdt doesn’t care. It’s been a while since they last had a stupid disagreement. Why can’t Reiner just barge into Bertl’s room, walk up to him, and kiss him desperately? Why does everything have to be so hard? Why does he have to be the one to give in?

It feels as though, right now, Bertholdt and him are playing a game of who gives in first. And it’s always Reiner. Why can’t Bertl ever give in? Why is it always Reiner? He’s agonising so much, while Bertholdt is either having fun in his room, or out with people from their school senior he usually wouldn’t be with. He’s depressed, and Bertholdt is too busy to care.

What Reiner doesn’t know is that this is exactly what Bertholdt wants. While Bertholdt needed him, and asked for his aid, Reiner was in someone else’s room, seconds away from engaging in intercourse with them. Bertholdt hated this, and threw a tantrum, choosing to make Reiner agonise while he’s out having fun, just like Reiner did, albeit unknowingly. But Bertholdt didn’t even give Reiner a chance. He realised he was with someone, and assumed he would choose to stay with them. He didn’t let Reiner answer, he just hung up.

Had Bertholdt told him he truly needed him, Reiner, even if annoyed due to being interrupted, would have left in a heartbeat. But Bertholdt was in too much pain, due to his memories, and anger, because of Reiner sleeping around, to even contemplate this. He gave in to his emotions, and wandered into irrationality. Right now, Bertholdt is hurting his friend for no valid reason whatsoever. And Reiner loves Bertholdt too much to realise this—no matter how in the wrong Bertholdt may be, he will always free him from any guilt. Because that’s unconditional love.

Bertholdt hates him. This is how he feels right now, and nothing can convince him otherwise, unless Bertholdt himself tells him the opposite.

He curled into a ball and cried.

* * *

Annie was skimming through the menu, her mouth watering over every photograph in it. Bertholdt looked at her in amusement. She looked ravenous, and he thought it was hilarious.

“I could eat a horse right now.” Annie exclaimed, still skimming the menu.

"You could eat Jean?" Bertholdt held his fist to his mouth and laughed at his own joke. He thought he was hilarious, but Annie just stared at him blankly. He felt nervous. “S-settle down, Sasha.” He put his fist down. “The waitress is coming.” he shyly looked at his menu.

“Thank God” Annie said, both because their food would be arriving soon and due to the relief of not listening to Bertholdt's jokes. She'd be lying if she said she didn't find them endearing, though.

“Have you guys decided yet?” asked the waitress with a polite smile.

Bertholdt looked at her. “Yes, finally. Sorry for taking so long and calling you back and forth.” he said nervously, scratching his temple.

“Please, don’t apologise. It’s my pleasure” she replied.

“Okay, so I want a philly cheese steak stacker, and a fundue.” Bertholdt tapped his chin, looking at the menu. “But can you add extra pancakes to the fundue?” his gaze shifted to the waitress.

The waitress wrote down. “Yes, sir. You can double the portion.”

“Okay.” he responded. “Then double it, please. And for a drink, I want a large chocolate milkshake.”

“A large chocolate milkshake”, the waitress finished writing.

“And for you, ma’am?” she asked politely.

Annie pointed her finger at the menu.

“I want a bacon temptation omelette, a Belgian waffle combo, original buttermilk pancakes with extra butter and syrup, and cold brew-eyed coffee for a drink.” she closed the menu.

The waitress finished writing everything down, and repeated the order to make sure everything was in check. Bertholdt and Annie agreed. Bertholdt handed over his menu, and when the waitress was about to take Annie’s, she interrupted.

“That’s okay, I’ll stick with it a little bit longer.”

The waitress smiled, nodded and left.

Annie checked her phone quickly, and when she locked the screen and looked up, Bertholdt’s mouth was agape.

She blushed and looked down, realising how large her order was. She worked out a lot and has a fast metabolism, it’s normal to eat generously… right?

“What?” she sniped defensively. Bertholdt put his hands up.

“N-nothing, I swear!” he replied.

“I’m hungry, okay?” she replied rudely, a tone of timidity concealed.

“I didn’t say anything.” he offered a kind smile. “A real woman eats all three meals of the day in one sitting anyway, am I right?” his smile bloomed into a grin, nervously twiddling his thumbs under the table.

Annie wanted to smile but suppressed it and looked out the window.

“Hey, feel free to smile.” he poked her arm. She ignored him, still blushing.

His smile was gone. “Annie.” he called.

She looked at him.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of.” he said with a serious expression, though his voice carried a kind, reassuring tone.

Annie raised a brow. “Of course I don’t. What would I have to be ashamed of?” she replied aggressively.

Bertholdt provided an encouraging smile, in hopes she’d understand his intentions were pure in nature.

“I don’t know,” was his response. “you blushed and acted strange after ordering, I just assumed you were embarrassed or something.” He looked away. “S-sorry for misunderstanding.”

Annie’s gaze softened.

“Sorry.” she offered. “It’s just that some people think it’s weird when a girl eats a lot."

Bertholdt smiled. “I know, and those people suck. I, for one, think it’s pretty cool.”

Annie felt her heart warm. He made her feel at such ease. Bertholdt was incredibly kind and nonjudgmental, she never had to push herself to make conversation or pretend to be someone else. She deeply valued him, and felt dumb for lashing out at him for something so minuscule.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

“Thank you.” she said softly, still looking out the window.

Bertholdt smiled in response. He took his phone out and gave Geometry Dash another chance.

“What are you playing?” Annie asked curiously.

He paused the game. “I’m glad you asked.”

 _Oh God._ Annie thought.

“So,” Bertholdt started. “you’re this cube, and you’re placed in a level that’s filled with obstacles, and all you have to do is jump, beat the level and repeat the process.”

Annie was waiting for him to continue, but he didn’t. He just looked at her expectantly.

“Okay.” she said. “And?”

Bertholdt frowned. “And what?”

Annie looked at him as if he were dumb. “And that’s it?”

“Yeah.” Bertholdt replied. “The levels get harder, of course” he said, as if that made it sound more interesting.

Annie just stared.

“It’s better than it sounds, I promise.”

Silence.

“Here.” he went back to the menu and started level one. “Give it a shot”

* * *

Reiner was sitting on the couch, both legs crossed, staring at the box of pizza on the table. His eyes hurt. It’s incredible how he let that boy affect him so much. He was done with this shit—as soon as Bertholdt got home, he was going to confront him. He’ll tell him to stop being a child and tell him what he’s really mad about. He doesn’t care if he breaks down in front of him, if that’s what it takes for Bertholdt to realise Reiner cares, so be it. He held his blanket tighter.

Reiner felt valiant now. He was going to confront Bertholdt, and make things right. He kept staring at the box of pizza.

His lips quivered, and tears filled his eyes again.

* * *

Their food had arrived, and Annie was still trying to beat level five. She failed, once again.

“You know what?” she said, handing his phone back. “Fuck this game.”

“A common reaction.” he smiled, putting his phone away in his pocket. “You’ll see you’ll choose to give it another try later.”

“Perhaps.” she looked at her food, salivating.

“Well,” Bertholdt said, grabbing his knife and fork. “dig in!”

* * *

They were both stuffed, but a bookstore was nearby and the temptation was too great to pass up. They decided to rest for a while inside the car before heading there. Annie could barely walk. They threw back the seats a little, and started chatting about general things.

“How are things with Reiner?” she asked.

“They’re still awkward as hell.” a knot formed in his stomach.

She bore a stone face. “Are you ever going to, I don’t know, approach him?”

Bertholdt felt intimidated. “I mean… yeah, I guess. Just, we’ve been doing our own thing lately, I don’t know.” Annie looked at him intently.

“Besides, I’ve been spending a lot of time with you.” he smiled. “I’ve been okay with that.”

Annie’s expression remained the same, or so she thought, but she felt her cheeks flare up. Bertholdt noticed the change in her expression and how she was trying to look emotionless but failed. He smirked.

He directed his gaze to the roof. “Reiner is still my best friend.” Annie didn’t take her eyes off him.

“But you’re my only childhood friend besides him, I just want to be close to you too.” he said. Annie’s lips parted in surprise.

He looked at her. “You know what I mean?”

The environment within the car was tensing. There was only silence, and two teenagers staring at each other, not knowing what to say.

Bertholdt’s smile faded, and his expression changed to one Annie couldn’t decipher. No, it wasn’t a bad expression, but it wasn’t a happy one either. She didn’t know what it was. Was it an expectant stare? There was definite tension in the air, but it was one she couldn’t describe. She felt her heart-rate increase.

Bertholdt’s palms were sweating. Annie was looking into his eyes, lips parted, expression somewhat surprised. His breathing was speeding. He was suddenly very nervous, and felt tempted to break the distance between him and Annie. His face slowly moved closer to hers, and she didn’t move. He stopped when they were close enough to feel each other’s breathing. He doesn’t know what he’s trying to do. It feels as though his body is acting on its own—as if it were following some sort of instinct.

Should he initiate physical contact? Should he approach more and kiss her? He was about to go for it, until Annie looked to the side.

“We should get going now.” She said, breaking the silence.

Bertholdt re-positioned his seat. “R-right.”

“Can you take me home?” she asked reluctantly.

He frowned. “I thought you wanted to go to the bookstore.”

“I did, but on second thought, I want to go home instead. I’m stuffed.” She looked at him with an expression foreign of Annie. It was gentle, but it also felt somewhat suggestive and reluctant.

“We can go tomorrow, or another day.” She proposed.

He didn’t know what to say, or what expression to make.

“Sounds good.”

He started the engine.

* * *

The pizza was cold now. He didn’t eat a single slice, and he didn’t watch the film at all either. He was just lost in thought, rehearsing what he was going to say to Bertholdt.

He heard keys on the outside, ruffling. The door was opened, and Bertholdt walked in. Reiner’s eyes widened. Their eyes met.

Bertholdt furrowed his eyebrows. Reiner looked terrible. His eyes were swollen, his hair was disheveled and he was wrapped in a blanket. The sight was so heartbreaking Bertholdt was on the verge of tears, about to lose control of himself and jump on Reiner to cry on his arms.

“Hey, Reiner.” he said with a shaky voice.

Reiner’s expression didn’t change.

“Hey Bertl.”


	10. Bertholdt x And x Reiner's Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW CHAPTER, BOYZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ hahaha
> 
> WE'RE GETTING CLOSER TO THE ONE CHAPTER I WANT YOU GUYS TO READDDD!!!! *quivers in excitement*
> 
> So, this chapter is a rollercoaster of emotions. A LOT of things are going on inside Reiner and Bertl. Let's hope things work out for them <3
> 
> AS ALWAYS, if you liked this, leave kudos or a comment and yadda yadda, I happily welcome criticism too CUZ I WANT TO IMPROVE :D  
> I LOVE THOSE OF YOU WHO ACTIVELY READ THIS <3 THANK YOU FOR READING AND YOUR SUPPORT, IT MAKES WRITING THIS FUN AS HELL :D I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS

Silence filled the room. Bertholdt felt nervous, and now the roles were reversed. Now Reiner was in control of the situation. Now, it was Bertholdt who was struggling to maintain eye contact. Now, Bertholdt is the one feeling intimidated.

Reiner had cried enough. Yeah, he hadn’t had the courage to ask what was wrong, but what about Bertholdt? It takes two to tango. He was being childish, ignoring Reiner and making him feel like shit for reasons he doesn’t understand. They’ve been best friends since childhood and Bertholdt doesn’t even have the decency to explain himself to Reiner? This was the last straw.

He sat properly, straightening his back. He patted the space next to him on the couch. “Sit down for a minute, will you? I’d like to talk to you.”

Bertholdt gulped.

Reiner’s stare was intimidating. He meant business.

“S-sure” Bertholdt replied. “Can you give me a minute tho—“

“No.” Reiner interjected. “You’re not going anywhere. You’re back from your date, you shouldn’t have any plans by now.”

“It wasn’t a da—“

Reiner interjected again. “It doesn’t change anything. You’re free now, meaning you have enough time for a chat.”

Bertholdt wanted to leave. He regretted the past week now, he wasn’t expecting a serious confrontation.

“Sit down, Bertholdt.”

It’s true that Reiner said Bertholdt’s name a lot, but this time, just like any time he’s serious, the tone was much different. The way his name resonated from Reiner’s lips intimidated him.

“Just let me go to the bath—“ Reiner unexpectedly stood up, blanket falling off him, and, in what felt like a fraction of a second, forcefully pushed Bertholdt against the wall. His forearm rested on Bertholdt's neck, and a lump formed in the latter's throat.

“I told you to sit down.” Reiner demanded.

He held Bertholdt’s arm, with a tight grip meant to inflict pain, walked to the couch and forced him to sit alongside him.

Bertholdt couldn’t speak. Or rather, he didn’t want to. His heart was racing, and he knew that if he spoke, his voice would break. His weakness would be evident, Reiner would demand explanations, and Bertholdt’s mind would be blank. He had nothing to say. It felt both foreign and scary for Reiner to look at him so coldly.

“Bertholdt.” he started. “This past week has been ass, and I don’t even know why.” He maintained eye contact.

Bertholdt felt like crying.

“One day we’re mighty fine, and for some reason the next you’re telling me to shut the fuck up, and to fuck right off your room.” Reiner cracked his ring finger with his thumb. This is a habit he performs every time he feels either extremely nervous, or agitated and angry. In this case it was the latter.

Silence and staring. Bertholdt halted the eye contact and looked to the side.

Reiner broke distance between them, grabbed his face and forced him to look at him.

“You owe me a fucking explanation.” he demanded, almost violently. “You treat me like absolute shit, you ignore me, you hang out with other people I don't even know—something you NEVER do, and you shrug me off when I try to make amends.” Reiner’s voice broke.

He pushed Bertholdt’s face away, being intentionally rough on him, and crossed his arms.

“It almost feels as though you’re deliberately trying to hurt me.” Reiner’s ireful expression suddenly turned to one of frustration. “And what breaks me is that I don’t know why.”

Bertholdt’s lips twitched, and he bit his lower lip to stop the involuntary movement.

Silence.

“Are you even going to talk?” Reiner screeched. “I’m trying to fix this situation and you’re just staring like a stupid fuck. Do you even care? Like, am I literally the only one in angst over this?” Reiner asked in disbelief.

Bertholdt refused to talk, he was too scared to.

Reiner’s eyes sunk. “Best friends my ass.” he stood up and walked away. He stopped when he was in the middle of the living room, back turned to Bertholdt.

“You know,” he spoke up. “for someone who’s always crying because of being invisible and having no one notice him, you sure treat your only friend like a piece of shit.”

Bertholdt’s eyes widened and he directed his gaze to Reiner.

Reiner returned the stare, looking over his shoulder.

“For the record, Hoover, nobody really gives a shit about you besides me.” He stated coldly, words full of contempt and venom.

“And I’m not talking about just this time, because every time we have a disagreement, I’m the one to give in.” His heart hurt immensely at saying this, but Reiner was in pain. His friend was hurting him, and he acted like he didn't care. He wanted to apply as much venom as he could in his words.

He turned, now looking at Bertholdt clearly rather than over his shoulder. He stuck his hands in his pockets.

“Who else would do that?” he asked. “I want you to tell me. Who else but me would care enough about your presence to even chase you?” Bertholdt’s eyes were watering.

“No one. Do you want to know why?” pain and regret were building up in his heart, but there was also satisfaction in seeing his words get through Bertholdt. “Because you’re not special enough to stand out.” He stated, slowly and clearly. “I’m the only one who cares about you. Not even your parents do.”

Bertholdt perked up, his eyes widening immensely.

“Did your daddy ever come back for you?” he asked condescendingly.

Bertholdt started to shake.

“Whose lap did you cry on when you were abused? Who offered you shelter?” he forced a patronising smile. “Was it Annie?”

Tears were now rolling down Bertholdt’s cheeks.

“Reiner.” his voice broke.

Reiner perked up over him finally speaking up.

“Take that back.” he stated, almost inaudibly.

“Take what back?”

“What you said about my dad.”

Reiner knitted his eyebrows in slight anger.

“I’m not taking back shit. Not until you give me an explanation.” 

_I’m toxic because I’m in love with you. I want nothing more in this world than to be with you, every second of the day, for the rest of my life. I regret doing everything I’ve done to hurt you, but I can’t approach you because I’m a coward. I’m weak. I have no will of my own. I hate when you sleep around because I want you all for me. I hate how you tell me the intimate things you do with people you don’t know or care for and viceversa. Reiner, I’m broken. This is why I’m like this. Because I’m broken. Because you’re right—I’m not special. Nobody loves me. You’re all I have. Please forgive me._

Bertholdt couldn’t tell Reiner any of this. He couldn’t confess his love—he didn’t have the guts to. But what he chose to say…

“Because I love you.”

was the truth.

Reiner’s eyes widened, his mouth agape.

“In what sense do you mean that?” he spoke hurriedly. Could it be? Could it be that Bertholdt reciprocates his feelings?

“As a best friend, I love you.” His eyes were still watered, even though he wasn’t sobbing.

A modified truth.

“You’re right.” he wiped his tears with his sleeve. “I’m not important. Nobody notices me.” He looked at Reiner.

“I’m alone and you’re all I have. You choosing to sleep around, without even bothering to ask where I went or why I left really stung me. So, I was resentful. That’s all there is to it.” Replied Bertholdt blankly, without a drop of emotion, despite the wet tears on his cheeks.

 _“As a best friend, I love you.”_ Reiner was disappointed.

Reiner crossed his arms. “Is that really it?”

“Yeah.” he responded, with no hint of the blank expression planning to leave his face.

“I’m sorry.” Reiner replied sincerely. “I saw you leave with Annie, and you didn’t tell me. I assumed you preferred being with her.”

Bertholdt’s expression softened.

“I’m sorry, Reiner”, pain in Bertholdt’s voice betrayed his blank expression.

They stared at each other.

“You really hurt me, Bertl” Reiner said softly.

“I know.” he wiped his eyes with his sleeve again. “And I’m sorry.”

Bertholdt mustered enough courage to wear his heart on his sleeve, even if the risk of crumbling was high.

“Reiner,” he started. “I don’t expect you to understand, but I just want to explain why I act like this sometimes.”

Reiner walked back to the couch, and sat next to Bertholdt.

One look at Reiner’s face was all it took for Bertholdt’s lips to quiver, making him combust into tears.

Reiner’s brows furrowed, tears forming in his eyes from the sight.

Bertholdt couldn’t manage to speak, not even able to barge a word between sobs.

Reiner embraced him. “It’s okay.” he said softly. “Take your time.” he stroke the back of Bertholdt’s head, caressing his hair as an act of love and care.

Bertholdt rubbed his head against Reiner’s affectionately. He calmed down and pulled away, managing to look into his eyes.

“I just don’t want to lose you.” he said sincerely. “I know it seems contradictory to ignore you because I’m afraid to lose you, but that’s just how I work sometimes. Because if you think something is wrong with us, you’ll only pay attention to me.” _I want you all for myself because I’m deeply in love with you._

“I know it may seem like I want you all for myself, but it’s not quite like that.” A tear rolled down Reiner’s cheek and Bertholdt wiped it gently with his thumb.

“I just don’t know how to explain it.” _because there is nothing I can come up with to support these statements without revealing my profound love for you._ “I’m not feeling eloquent right now, I guess.” he smiled sadly.

_I love you so much, Bertholdt. Let’s just forget this and cuddle, let’s just forget this and make love, let’s just forget this and come back stronger. Please._

“It’s alright, I guess.” responded Reiner after a couple of seconds. “I just want to ask something of you.”

“Hm?” muttered Bertholdt.

“Be communicative with me. If something’s wrong, just tell me. Jesus Christ, Bertl, if you hadn’t hung up on me that night and just told me you needed me, I would have ditched that girl and gone to you immediately.” Reiner’s voice broke in exasperation.

Bertholdt’s eyes widened.

“Like, I can’t prove that I care if you don’t give me a chance. Try to understand my perspective, don’t just assume shit.” he pleaded.

Bertholdt teared up again. “I’m sorry.” he leaned and rested his forehead against Reiner’s, closing his eyes.

Reiner was so tempted to kiss this boy.

“It’s fine, Bertl.” he smiled. “It’s all good now.”

“Can I hug you?” Bertholdt asked timidly.

Reiner snorted. “Of course you can.”

Bertholdt embraced him tightly, sighing profoundly in relief.

A minute passed.

“Bertl?” Reiner called.

He pulled back, arms still wrapped around Reiner, their faces merely inches away from each other.

“I love you too.” Reiner smiled. “As a best friend, of course.” _Lies. I’m in love with you._

Bertholdt grinned. _I wish it were more than that._

“Thank you, Reiner.”


	11. To Be x So x Hated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING!*  
> This contains mentioned abuse, so if you can relate, it might bring some memories. Warning just in case. 
> 
> LONG ASS CHAPTER INCOMING!!!!!!
> 
> We're almost done, you guys. Almost done.
> 
> As always, if you liked this chapter, please leave kudos or a comment so I can know if I'm doing something right. Criticism is also happily welcomed, I'm eager to improve! Thank you for your time, I LOVE THOSE OF YOU WHO ACTIVELY READ THIS :D
> 
> I recommend listening to this while reading the chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X3Me4qPTY8

Two months have passed, and things have been going steady. Reiner and Bertholdt have gone back to normal since the day they reconciled. They have resumed their routine of locking themselves in their apartment, watching films and eating crappy food. They’ve gone back to sharing clothing, working out together, and dining. Reiner lies on Bertholdt’s bed while the latter plays his violin, and Bertholdt lies on Reiner’s bed while the latter draws on his tablet. Everything is perfect. And yet, something keeps bothering Reiner.

Bertholdt is **_still_** hanging out with Annie, almost **every day.**  

In the beginning, he thought Bertholdt was trying to replace Reiner. He thought that, now that they were perfectly fine, Bertl would go back to focusing on him alone. But that hasn’t been the case. It’s as though one day, from out of nowhere, Bertholdt and Annie became inseparable. He wouldn’t be worried, if it weren’t for the fact Annie was acting so **_differently_**. She smiles more. She’s not as aggressive, she jokes around—the stone face is gone. She’s going **soft**. And it all started after she and Bertl started hanging out alone.

Bertholdt has told Reiner there’s nothing romantic going on. And it is the truth. But what Bertholdt buries within himself and refuses to acknowledge, is that there **_is_** something going on. It’s not romantic in nature—but there’s usually a weird tension when they’re alone in an enclosed space. It’s all fairly normal when they’re in a restaurant, the park or the library. But when they’re in the car, when they’re in Bertl’s room or Annie’s room, everything **_changes_**.

The atmosphere changes. The air turns heavy, words are rare and staring is recurrent. Both get nervous, and they feel things. Feelings are growing, but one of the two is a different case. In one, the feelings are blooming. In the other, they’re resurfacing.

To Annie, Bertholdt has always been special. She considers him a disappointment, since he is the embodiment of squandered potential. He’s exceedingly talented, tall, attractive—he has all the qualities the boy next door, or more specifically, the dream guy, would have. And yet, he’s so unusually reticent. Annie is introverted, but she carries a strong presence. She’s easily noticeable, even if she doesn’t voice a single word. But Bertholdt? Bertholdt **_disappears_**. He has so many dreams he could easily accomplish if only he weren’t so utterly stupid.

He annoys her so much. His good nature, his gentleness, his nonjudgmental personality. It all bothers her so much, and yet it’s what draws her to him. He’s so **_different_**.

Annie is hard to impress. Most people are interested in talking to her, in making conversation—in getting to know her, and she doesn’t care. No matter how nice or kind someone may be, she’s not interested. This doesn’t mean there aren’t people she’s cared about; there have been. But she’s lost all of them, and this didn’t make her budge. She mourned silently, and quickly moved on. She’s simply untouchable—nothing bothers her.

So why is he different? Why does he bother her so much without even trying? Sometimes looking at him is enough to strike a nerve. The way he says he wants to be closer friends, the way he reassures her about things she **_doesn’t_** need to be reassured of. It all bothers her so much. Since they were children, she has ignored him, stepped on his pride—even hit him, and he **_always_** comes back. It’s as though he’s begging to be humiliated.

But what infuriates her more is that he’s **getting** to her, and not in the usual fashion. He’s not bothering her, now it’s the opposite. She finds herself enjoying his company. She finds herself thinking about him at random times, or seeing something and being reminded of him. It infuriates her that she’s tempted to stare at him when the group hangs out. It infuriates her how he’s always hiding behind Reiner, shrinking his presence. And what infuriates her the most, is how she wants to encourage him to not sell himself short. It’s how she finds him adorable, and wants to help build his confidence. She wants to help him **grow**.

But why? Is it because Bertholdt has always treated her as a human with emotions, when everyone else does the opposite? Because he treats her with affection and care, as though she were as fragile as glass? Because he always tries to help her, without second thought, when she doesn’t need his help and he **_knows_** it? Because he treats her like a gentleman does a lady? He is so utterly **annoying**.

She thought Eren was the object of her affections. His care-free nature, his strange innocence, his strong presence. A hot-headed boy, who has a great sense of justice. He’s protective, his friends mean everything, and he would always defend them militantly. But everything led to one thing: he reminded her of Bertholdt’s true nature.

Bertholdt is caring. Bertholdt would defend her militantly when she didn’t need to be defended. He has a great sense of justice, always acting as a barrier of neutrality in midst of arguments. In his own way, he has a strong innocence. And no matter how feeble these qualities the two shared, she still connected them to Bertholdt.

She ignores him, she humiliates him, she steps on him and distances herself because he makes her **_feel_** things. And these past couple of months, she hasn’t protected herself. He broke her walls, and this time, she didn’t fight back.

* * *

It was midnight. The night was cold, and the moon felt somewhat gloomy. Bertholdt and Annie were in his room, door locked, sitting next to each other, backs against his bed. Annie was holding a tub of ice cream, both holding a scoop and passing the tub to each other back and forth every minute or so. Classical music was playing.

They had been talking all night, about dozens of topics—just as they had been for the last two months, almost every day. Tonight, however, the direction of the conversation took a grim turn.

“Why did you move in with Reiner?” Annie asked, licking her scoop of ice cream.

Bertholdt brought a knee to his chest, laying his arm on it. “What do you mean?”

“You know I moved in with those three to get away from my dad. But why did you?”

Bertholdt looked at the floor and smiled weakly. “Because Reiner saved my life.” he said booth gloomily and with pride.

Annie raised a brow. “How?”

“I was abused.” he turned his head to face her.

She blinked.

He looked at the front wall now. “Very abused.”

“My mother used to have one hell of a career. She was a pretty big deal, on her way of becoming a CEO, until I was born.” he recalled. “Money wasn’t a problem” he continued. “The problem is that I was unwanted. She and my dad weren’t a thing—it was a one-night stand. My dad was great, and stepped up. But he couldn’t quit his job to raise me, he had his own reasons”

“So”, Bertholdt cracked his knuckles. “my mom was forced to, since, objectively, it made more sense, as she had no family and no things besides work to take care of.

But she never wanted children” he looked at the floor. Annie handed him over the tub.

He stopped his story for a moment to grab his scoop and take a generous amount of ice cream. He licked it, then gently sucked on it, finalising by licking his lips. Annie found this enjoyable and felt embarrassed, so she looked away from him. He didn’t notice her blush.

She hadn’t uttered a single word, but not because she wasn’t paying attention. Bertholdt had her full attention, and he appreciated the fact he let her tell his story without interruption.

“Since she never wanted children, she had no motherly instincts at all.” he continued his story. “She wasn’t nurturing, and, in fact, was a very cold woman. That’s how she went from man to man, rather than settling down.” Bertholdt clenched his fist, trying to stay calm. “She wanted to abort me” he looked at the ceiling. “But my dad went crazy at the idea, saying they both had to take responsibility for being careless.”

He smiled. “In the end, he convinced her. He really got through her, and I think was the only guy she ever truly loved.”

“But everything changed when I was born” his smile faded. “I don’t remember anything from when I was a baby, obviously, but I remember a **lot** from the moment I turned four. They weren’t easy times for me, to be honest.” he said, his tone lowering.

Annie’s heart was clenching. She noticed he was going to get emotional any time now, so she scooped a ball of ice cream and offered it to him. He looked at her and smiled warmly, and opened his mouth to take a lick, then suck on it, repeating the process he did with the scoop before this one. Annie really, really liked the sight. She blushed again.

“She’d take very poor care of me, and he hated it. They fought a lot, until one day he wanted to separate and take me with him. She fought with tooth and nails to gain custody, but not because she loved me.” Bertholdt’s chest shuddered. “She never loved me.” His voice cracked. “She only did it to hurt him, and succeeded a lot.”

Bertholdt remained silent, and closed his eyes. Annie held his pinky with her own.

“It’s okay.” she reassured.

To Bertholdt, this was only a comforting gesture. To Annie, it was an act of love for a life.

“The last time I saw him was in a courthouse room. He was crying a lot, and I remember him telling me over and over that he’d rescue me one day.” He pursed his lips. “At the moment, I never understood what custody meant, or what he wanted to save me from.” He took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled, his chest shuddering. “He sent me letters, sent me birthday gifts that eventually my mother would throw out. But I never saw him again. For so many years, I was convinced he’d really come back. According to the letters, he tried. But one day they stopped… so I assumed he gave up on me.” His eyes were threatening to water.

He squeezed her pinky. “She was terrible.”

“After not working for so long, she had trouble climbing the ranks. She was stuck with the same duties, which really angered her” he chuckled. “I didn’t realise this until years later, but the worst kind of abuse wasn’t the physical one. It was the clever emotional and mental one she devised.”

Annie finally spoke up.

“What do you mean?” she looked at him concerned.

He looked back. “She’d always put me in a false sense of security. She’d call me sweet names, she’d tell me she was sorry for hitting me—she’d say she was just stressed. She’d hug me, and then moments later she’d start hitting me again.”

He stopped looking at Annie and stared at the wall in front of him instead.

“I was like a dog, a lost dog who unconditionally loved his master, no matter how much abuse was inflicted.” His voice was starting to shake. “I always came back, always hopeful, no matter how badly she treated me.”

So, that’s why he always came back to Annie no matter how mean she was to him. He was wired to be like that—it was in both his nature and upbringing. Annie felt guilty.

“Reiner would look at the bruises, and he’d be horrified.” Bertholdt noted. “Reiner’s dad hit his mom and all, but eventually he was jailed, and they lived in peace after that. His mother was extremely loving, so Reiner never had to go through something similar, meaning he didn’t understand how a mother could do that to her child.” there was both pain and relief in the tone that resonated this statement. Pain, because of what he had to go through. Relief, because the boy he loved didn’t have to suffer.

“When I was fourteen, I was grown enough to understand.” He stated. “And one day,” he scratched his temple “I told Reiner I wanted to know more of my dad, I wanted to make amends and fix my relationship with her.”

Annie let go off his pinky, and put away the tub of ice cream.

“So, he suggested I tried talking it out.” Tears were lurking dangerously close now. “It was the worst wake-up call of my life.”

Annie’s heart was aching for him. This explained so much.

“In a nutshell, she ended up admitting that she didn’t make me walk to school as a kid because she couldn’t afford a driver. She admitted she did it in hopes I’d be run over, or kidnapped or something.” His lips started quivering.

Annie’s eyes widened, and she couldn’t help but gasp, her mouth now agape.

“That’s when I realised” his vision blurred “how much she really hated me, and how there was no way to salvage our relationship—because we never had one to begin with.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks.

Annie wanted to cry for him.

“She’d throw dishes and food at me, forced me to clean it up, and yell at me at how bad her days at work went. She’d call me stupid, she’d hit me with belts and brooms… I felt so hated.” He couldn’t help but let out a whimper. “To be hated,” he whimpered once more “to be **_so_** hated, by the one who’s supposed to unconditionally love you” he wiped his tears with his sleeve “is the most painful realisation I’ve ever had.”

Tears were rolling down Annie’s cheeks.

“All the abuse—all the slaps, all the beatings… they didn’t compare to the feeling of despair I felt when realising she wanted me dead, that my dad never rescued me, and that it was me against the universe.”

“Then Reiner came.” Bertholdt looked at the ceiling, tears still rolling down his cheeks, but a bright smile on his face.

“He saved me.” Bertholdt looked at Annie and smiled. “His mother took me in.” Bertholdt snuff and rubbed his eyes. “Now that I work, I try to earn my keep on the little apartment we share. It’s not that great, but it’s ours, and we worked for it.” Bertholdt sighed. “But it wouldn’t have been possible without his angel mother.” Bertholdt chuckled, cheeks wet with tears, but no more pain in his voice.

Annie quickly dried her cheeks and looked away. Bertholdt noticed.

“S-sorry… all you asked was why I moved in with him, and now I told you my whole life story…” he apologised.

“Bertholdt,” she placed her hand on top of his. “you just opened up to me. Don’t apologise. It means a lot.”

He smiled and hugged her without warning.

Her eyes widened, and she didn’t know what to do. She awkwardly returned the hug.

“Annie.” he called, pulling back. “Tell me your story.”

“Maybe another day.” she said while stretching her arms over her head. “That’s enough grimness for one night.”

Bertholdt laughed.

“Can you take me home now?”

Bertholdt frowned. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay a bit longer?”

_Yes, I do. I’d like to stay here all night chatting with you, but you’re making me feel weird._

“No. I want to go home.”

“O-okay” he smiled gently to conceal his disappointment.

* * *

The car ride was quiet. Bertholdt felt as though a burden was taken off his shoulders, and Annie’s mind was wandering. She felt warmness in the pit of her stomach, and another fuzzy feeling she couldn’t decipher.

“We’re here.” Bertholdt’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Thank you.” she unbuckled the seat belt and opened the car door.

He grabbed her hand.

“Wait.” he stopped her. “Let me walk you.”

She didn't refuse.

They walked up to the door, and Annie thanked him for the hang-out session. She placed the keys in the door, and opened it. Before she could get in, Bertholdt stopped her.

“Wait.” He gently pulled her back.

“What is it?” she asked.

Bertholdt didn’t know what to say.


	12. Annie x And x Bertholdt (NSFW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O MY
> 
> sorry if this is awkward, I've got no experience in the woohoo, HAHAHA but I TRIED
> 
> If you liked this chapter remember to leave kudos or a comment. Criticism is happily welcomed too! If you felt something was hard to read, or something could've been written better, LET ME KNOW, I want to improve.
> 
> I LOVE THOSE OF YOU WHO ACTIVELY READ DIS SHITTY FANFIC. MARRY ME <3

They stared at each other’s eyes. Both their hearts and breathing started accelerating, almost simultaneously, the tension in the air stiffening. Bertholdt bit his lower lip, while Annie’s lips parted, quietly exhaling.

Neither knew what to say. It was late, dark, and cold outside, and all the lights in the house were shut. Bertholdt took a slight step forward, while Annie took one back. They were still in silence, and all that could be heard was the gusting of the wind. Annie took Bertholdt’s hand, the boy offering no resistance, and pushed the door. He quietly kicked it shut with his leg and she locked it, hands still intertwined. She guided the tall, nervous but excited boy upstairs. They reached her room, and before entering, she turned back to look at him. Bertholdt caressed her thumb with his own, and she walked in the room, dragging him in along with her. She locked the door.

Their hearts were furiously beating. Annie could feel heat flustering her cheeks, and Bertholdt could feel growth in his pants. The eye contact never ceased.

Bertholdt closed the distance between their bodies, kindling arousal on Annie. He let go off her hand, and gently placed his own behind her back, pulling her in even closer. She unconsciously arched her back, shutting her eyes, exhaling a sound you could only describe as a quiet moan. He slowly led her towards the wall on the right, pressing her back against it with his body. He placed his other hand on her waist, lowering both to her buttocks, lifting and squeezing them. She placed her hands on his chest, opening her eyes to find him looking at her with feral desire. She grabbed the collar of his shirt, bringing his face to the level of hers.

He looked at her lips, licking his own and thirsting to make them one. She wrapped her hands around his neck, initiating a kiss. He grabbed her waist, tightening his grip on it, pulling her body as close as he could towards his. She could feel the growing erection against her. This only turned her on more.

He broke the kiss, staring into her eyes. He wanted to ask if she was sure about this, but no words were needed. It was clear she desired this as much as he did—her eyes emitted as much feral desire as his were.

He grabbed her buttocks and lifted her, Annie wrapping her legs around his waist, back pressed against the wall. Bertholdt placed his lips against her neck, causing Annie to heighten her head to give him more space. The soft kisses accompanied by slight sucking, plus the friction between their genitalia, forced her to elicit a moan that Bertholdt could only describe as absolutely beautiful.

She ground herself against him, and placed both hands on his cheeks. She stared at him to admire his features, only now realising how beautiful this boy truly was. Those emerald eyes, the shape of his nose, his thin lips and how his dark hair parted on his forehead. She desired him more than anything she had ever wanted before.

She kissed his cheek, then his nose, and lastly, his lips. He brushed his lips across hers, using light pressure so they barely grazed. She felt his hot breath on her, and tightened the grip on his waist. Their lips now fully locked, and the pace of the kiss picked up, Bertholdt sliding his tongue across her lower lip, as if asking for permission. She parted her lips, allowing him to.

Bertholdt was fully hard now, and he could feel how Annie’s breath was trembling with need and desire. He lifted her again, to hold a better grip. He walked towards the bed, gently placing her on it, Annie never removing her arms around his neck and legs around his waist. This lock forced him to lay at the same time she did.

He was now leaning over her, and Annie let go off him. She held the end of her shirt with both hands, wanting to remove it, but timidity made her reluctant. He noticed this, and held her hands to kiss them. He placed them to her sides, and he slowly lifted her shirt. He placed a kiss on her belly, trying to control himself as best as he could. Her taut belly provoked him immensely, and to soothe himself, he licked it up to her chest at the pace he lifted the shirt entirely.

She closed her eyes and threw her head back, tempted to moan. She placed her hands on his hair, gently gripping it. Shirt now lifted, she finished the job by taking it off herself. Bertholdt, kneeling both legs over her, erection now painful, admired her body. He was absolutely flabbergasted.

She sat down, grabbing his shirt, and quickly helped him remove it. She placed her hand on his chest, brushing his nipple and lowering it to his belt. She exposed his underwear, the head of his penis sticking out, immense heat surrounding it. He took off his pants, Annie grabbing his erection almost instantly.

She lowered his briefs, him taking them off completely. His cock was now fully exposed. She got on her knees, dying to savour him. He wanted it badly, but stopped her before she could go any further. She looked at him, puzzled. He held her hand, shaking his head. He wants to make this about **her**. He gently pushed her into the mattress, never letting go off her hand. He kissed her lips, her breasts, until he reached her hypograstic region. He grabbed her leggings and pulled them down, revealing her panties and a small, barely visible patch of wetness. He was amazed he was the reason for this.

He slowly removed her panties, forcing her to place her legs on his shoulders. Her sensitivity was now revealed. The involuntary moan, filled with awe, that Bertholdt emitted at the sight made Annie feel beautiful.

He placed his head between her legs, inhaling the intoxicating smell and taking a lick, now feeling dizzy from the arousal. There is nothing in the world he wants more right now than to be inside her, fully inside her—feeling her warm walls, her wetness running down his dick. But he wants to do more than that.

He took another lick, now locking her clitoris with his lips. He flicked his tongue back and forth, applying pressure to recreate a powerful vibration. Annie covered her eyes with her arm, her abdomen contracting from the restricted moans, overwhelmed by the situation and sensation.

While working with his tongue, he advanced a finger towards her entrance, slowly entering as to not hurt her in any way. She was more than wet enough. He stuck his middle finger in, slowly making a “ _come hither_ ” motion, applying pressure, then slipping his ring finger. He fastened the pace, applying pressure in her clitoris with his tongue and inside her with his fingers. Annie was now unable to repress the moans, both hands on the sheets, gripping them. Her toes curled, and she held his neck gently, as to not choke him, and tightly grabbed a fistful of his hair, tempted to moan his name.

Her moans were driving Bertholdt wild, now pushing his fingers back and forth rapidly, until he finally felt her walls contract, Annie finishing with the most alluring, feminine moan he never thought he’d hear from her. At this point, Annie had lost total control of herself, and forced Bertholdt up, placing his lips to hers, her hand now on his nape, the other one on his cheek. His cock was throbbing painfully.

“Bertholdt” she moaned. “Bertholdt”, she moaned again. She had already come, and yet she couldn’t stop calling his name. Bertholdt’s eyebrows furrowed, lips parted, shaky breathing escaping in complete amazement at how incredible his name sounded when reverberated by her lips.

She kissed him animalistically.

“I want you, I want you so bad, Bertholdt” she said desperately.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

He placed his lips on her neck, sucking on it, gentleness gone.

“Annie” he moaned. Bertholdt lost it.

He parted from her, grabbing both of her thighs, and pulling her towards him—groins now touching. Bertholdt jerked himself off, cocking his head back in relief. He leaned over her again, kissing her lips. He grabbed his penis, and slowly inserted it inside her, making Bertholdt’s mouth hang, the sensation so alleviating he couldn't produce a moan. Annie placed her arms above her head, clenching her fists and arching her back.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, grip much tighter than before, to feel him even deeper inside her. He placed his left arm next to the space between her shoulder and neck, supporting his body weight with his right. She held his left wrist. He thrusted hard once, just to see her spontaneous expression and breasts bounce. He cupped her chin with his left hand, kissed her, now starting to thrust properly. The sensation was making Bertholdt lightheaded, and Annie was in an unbreakable trance. He thrusted harder, and harder, and harder. Wet noises and the sound of his hips clapping against her own, as well as uncontrollable moans, filled the room.

Annie arched her back once more, cupping her breasts and sat, now completely breaking the distance between their bodies. They repositioned, and Bertholdt pulled her in for a tight hug. Annie sunk her nails so deeply she drew blood. He sucked on her breasts, Annie grinding alongside with him, making each thrust a delicious furor. He stopped sucking to watch her breasts bounce, the sight making him press her harder against him. There was no distance between their faces, both were looking at each other and their desperate expressions of ecstasy—feeling their hot breaths on each other’s lips. They kissed firmly, both close to their final orgasm. He loved the feeling of her wetness embracing and running down his cock; he loved how beautiful the speed at which his cock thrust in and out of her looked.

The two teens were in a shared reverie, never imagining they'd share a moment like this.

Berthold’s final thrusts were desperately fast and hard, making Annie’s eyes roll to the back of her skull, moaning his name as loud as she possibly could. He felt her walls contract on his cock, tightening his grip on her, giving a final suck to her neck. Close to his orgasm, he panted and groaned. Annie never imagined a man could produce such wonderful sounds. Bertholdt was _**so**_ beautiful.

He pulled out and jerked himself off. Before he could come, Annie removed his hand and held his cock, jerking him until he finished, her wish for him to come on her abdomen. He released a screech that made Annie contract—a screech she found exhilarating, sensual and beautiful.

She plopped on the mattress, body and legs still shaking, feeling the warmth of Bertholdt’s come on her. His breathing was ragged. He bent and gave her sensitivity one final lick, tonging his way up, licking his own seed up to her lips, exchanging a kiss with her. She loved his taste.

They stared into each other’s eyes. Annie held his cheek, in absolute awe of this incredible boy. This incredible boy she ignored for so long, just to protect her own feelings. Right now, Annie is the most vulnerable she has ever been in her life, and she couldn’t be happier that she chose to be it with him. She has no regrets, no matter what happens after this. She kissed him softly, and whispered into the kiss.

“I love you.”

He pulled away from her, eyes widened. He held, with tenderness, the wrist she was holding him with. She smiled over his expression: mouth agape, in absolute disbelief.

“I’ve wanted this for so long.” she caressed his cheek.

He couldn’t believe his ears. He had no words, there was nothing he could think of to respond to this declaration. She loved him. Annie loved Bertholdt. Reiner was wrong—Bertholdt **was** loved. He was special enough for her to stand out, she **noticed** him. Bertholdt was loved. Bertholdt was **loved**. Reiner was **wrong.**

He closed his eyes and smiled at her affectionately, pressing his forehead against hers.

“Annie” is all he managed to say, as he plopped next to her. He held her close.

 _Reiner,_ Bertholdt thought. _you were wrong._


	13. The Burden x Of x Knowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REINER, MY SWEET REINER. WHY AM I DOING THIS TO YOU ;-;

Krista’s grip on Sasha’s wrist tightened, her other hand covering the girl’s mouth. Sasha’s eyes were so widened they could have popped out of her skull.

“Sasha...” Krista whispered. “You can’t tell this to anyone!”

Sasha was in so much shock, her expression didn’t budge.

“Reiner c-can’t find out about this...” a tone of desperation in her voice. “He can’t!”

Sasha’s eyebrows furrowed in sympathy.

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone!”

Sasha offered her pinky.

Krista smiled, uncovered Sasha’s mouth and wrapped her pinky around the shocked girl’s.

“Pinky promise.” muttered Sasha.

The moans coming from the room across the hall upset Krista immensely. _What am I going to do? Should I tell him? Do I keep it from him? Do I lie to spare his feelings?_ _Can I trust Sasha on this?_

“Krista.” Sasha called softly, drawing Krista’s attention to her.

“Is Reiner in love with Bertholdt?” Sasha already knew the answer to that. Why she didn’t assume it was Annie, she doesn’t know.

Krista just averted her sight. This was enough of an answer for Sasha.

* * *

Reiner lay on his back, arms behind his head. Krista rested her head on his stomach, while she scrolled through her phone.

“I don’t know what to do.” said Reiner, for the third time that afternoon.

Krista sighed in desperation. “I don’t see what the big deal is.” _I’m sorry._

Reiner poked her head. “What do you mean? This is an emergency.” He grinned. Krista looked at him.

“It’s been an emergency for like 84 years.” she mocked.

Reiner huffed at the exaggeration.

“No,” she said seriously now “but I really don’t get the problem, Rein.” _Forgive me._

Reiner was about to protest, but Krista held her hand up, as if to halt him. She sat, both legs crossed, facing him. “You two made up. The last few months have been fine, so what’s the issue?” she asked, to what Reiner seemed, sincerely. “Why do you feel so threatened by Annie?” _Why am I lying to him? Why can’t I bring myself to tell him the truth?_

Reiner pursed his lips. “I don’t know.”

“These two have always hung out. You’re worrying over nothing.” she concluded. “You’re worse than Mikasa pre-Belanor. She was there when you and he fought, he can’t abandon her now just because you two are okay.” she explained. “She’s his friend too.” _She’s more than that._

The comparison offended him, but she made a fair point. Still, he wanted to explain himself.

“You don’t understand.” he ran his fingers through his hair. “The problem isn’t that they’re hanging out—the problem is that they’ve been hanging out, **_entirely alone_** , for months now, since we fought.”

_Please stop._

“Bertl has told me over and over it’s nothing romantic, and I believe him. I can’t imagine a stone face as cold as her liking him... and yet...”

He tapped his chin and deviated from the last sentence.

“I did use to think he liked Annie, but that was me being paranoid. After we made up, we had a big talk and he explained he just worried about her, you know, her being distant and all, as well as being our childhood friend.” Reiner crossed his arms. “It was a relief, and it made sense as to why he stared so much.”

_Reiner, please stop. If you keep going, I won’t be able to go back. I won’t be able to lie._

“But I’m scared it might turn romantic this time. Annie’s been acting differently, it’s like he’s softening her up.” He repositioned himself and sat, his back against the wall.

He looked down. “I’ve been thinking for a while now, ever since we made up.” he smiled. Krista perked up.

“I’m going to confess.” He looked at her hopefully.

She gripped her skirt tightly.

“Even if he doesn’t return my feelings,” he continued “I know he’ll give me a chance. Now it’s clear he hasn’t liked someone in a long time, and I want to change that.”

She was forced to avert his gaze. She wanted to tell him the truth, but what is she supposed to do? What is a friend supposed to do in this situation? Should she let him build his hopes up and lie to spare his feelings, or let him know now, and watch him collapse? Bertholdt and Annie are dating—they’re only keeping it a secret for the time being. Annie confided this to her, because she trusted Krista; everyone did. Everyone told her secrets, things they didn’t want people to know but wanted to let out. She’s okay with that. But when it comes to Reiner, her dear friend, the friend who has supported her for so long—she can’t bear the stress. She knows it will hurt him deeply if he finds out that, not only did Annie and Bertholdt sleep together, they’re also dating now. His worst fear will have come true, and that will destroy him. She knows it. But what she doesn’t know is to **_what_** extent. His reaction and what he’ll do afterwards, that’s what scares her.

The hopeful glimmer in his eyes was killing her. He’s looking at her expectantly, excitedly, and she doesn’t know what to say.

“Well?” he broke the silence.

“I.” Krista responded. _Why can’t I think of anything to say? Why is my mind blank now of all times?_

Silence.

“Are you sure?” is all she managed to say.

“Yeah.” he said. “I’ve decided it hurts more to keep it in and try to do other shit to forget, than it would to just confess to him.”

Reiner looked at the ceiling. “I love him so much, Krista.” her lips parted. “I can’t bear the thought of him being with someone else. I’ve wasted too much time, time I could have used to tell him how I feel. Yeah, it hurt when I thought he liked Annie,” he swallowed. “but I couldn’t imagine someone like her actually having feelings for someone, much less Bertl, so I knew they’d never have anything.” He explained. “There was no threat.”

Krista was feeling too much stress building inside of her.

“But ever since we had that fight… fuck.” He lamented. “I can’t let her take him away from me. Not as a friend, much less as a lover.” His tone was stern. “My chance is now.”

“So,” he continued “I’m going to do it, before it’s too late.”

_Reiner, it’s already too late._

Krista’s mind was out of control—she was thinking way too many things at once. Her rational side is saying that Reiner has no right to be angry or possessive; he slept around expeditiously, so why should he be angry over Bertholdt sleeping with **one** person? But then, her own mind turned against her and began arguing with itself. **That** is the problem. Bertholdt is sleeping with **one** person. Because he **_likes_** that person, he has an **_emotional attachment_** to that person. Reiner bore no feelings towards those he slept with, and he only slept with them to forget how much he **_loved_** Bertholdt. There is a difference.

_I know I’m making the wrong decision. I know that, in the long run, this will be worse than telling you the truth in this very instant, but right now I can’t stand the thought of being the bearer of bad news. Forgive me for this, Reiner._

She forced a sweet smile. “Go for it.”

Reiner grinned.


	14. A x Tender x Moment

Bertholdt adjusted his polo shirt. “Yeah, I won’t take too long.” He said, buckling his belt.

Annie was lying on her stomach, wrapped in a sheet, supporting herself with her elbows and legs intertwined. “You’re moody today.” she said casually.

Bertholdt looked at himself in the mirror and brushed his hair back with his fingers, refusing to look at Annie. “Oh?” he muttered plainly.

Annie huffed.

“We just had sex.” he stated. “Can’t be moody now, can I?” he scoured the room, seeking his shoes.

She just stared. Dully.

“Annie.” he called.

No response.

“How long until you stop hiding me?” he asked, directing his gaze to her.

She looked at him back, no emotion to be deciphered.

“Are we doing a stare battle?” he asked.

She smirked. “See, you’re moody today.”

His stare turned cold.

“Perhaps because I have to enter and leave out the window every time I visit my girlfriend.”

The smirking ceased.

Bertholdt furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you ashamed of me?”

She sat down, holding the sheets to protect her body from sight.

“No,” she said softly. “I’m just not ready yet.”

“When will you be ready?” he asked. “When will I have to stop lying to Reiner about where I’m going, or subtly ask about his schedule so I can come visit whenever he’s out to not raise suspicion?”

She looked calm, and this only served to agitate Bertholdt.

“What is so wrong about dating me?” his expression was sad now.

“It’s humiliating, no, **_degrading_** , to go in and out the window whenever I come here. You know those films where the lover of a husband or wife hides in the closet and then escapes through the window? That’s how I feel this is.”

Annie was about to speak up, but he continued.

“And when we hang out with the group, the best I can get off you so you don’t get mad at me is holding hands under the table.” he gripped the hem of his polo. “As if we were kids.”

Annie sighed and looked to the side. “I don’t know what to tell you.” Her eyes returned to him. “It’s not that you embarrass me, I just feel it’d be strange if people found out we’re a couple.”

His eyes sunk. That explanation was shitty, and that angered him.

 _This is retarded_. Bertholdt continued looking for his shoes.

Found them.

“So,” he sat on the bed, next to her, and put them on. She was looking at him, but he refused to return the gesture. “You’ll just hide me until the end times. Gotcha.”

She wanted to hug him, kiss him, and convince him that she wasn't ashamed of him. But the ambiance was awkward, and she didn't know how to take initiative.

He turned and kissed her cheek, despite his anger.

“I’ll see you later, then.”

He gathered his things, opened the window, and climbed down.

How would things be if her house were taller? Would he have to bring a ladder to climb up her window, just to see her? Would he have to rent a hotel room just to be able to cuddle her, or to have sex, since sneaking in would be harder? Every meeting is meticulously planned so no one gets suspicious, and Bertholdt finds it fucking stupid. Why did she even accept forming a relationship if it was going to be like this?

 _This is so goddamn dumb._ He walked, hands stuck in his pockets. He was now at a reasonable distance from Annie’s house, and he solicited an Uber. At least he was going to spend the rest of the day with Reiner, outside of their apartment. That should sweeten his sour mood.

He told Annie he wouldn’t take long, but that’s just a lie at this point. He wants to be with Reiner all day, so he will.

* * *

Reiner was swirling his latte with the straw. He kept looking at the seat in front of him, worried the hot chocolate was going to cool. His legs were killing him—he hadn’t been to the gym in a while, but he still resumed his normal work-out routine, and now he was paying the price.

He stretched his legs under the table and bit his lips to repress a painful groan. He definitely pulled a muscle.

He looked out the window and grinned, seeing that Bertholdt was jogging towards the shop.

He walked in and looked around, enlivening when his sight found Reiner. He walked towards him, and his friend stood up to greet him. They shared a hug, and Reiner ended it as he always did—ruffling Bertholdt’s hair.

They sat. Reiner forgot about the pain when seeing Bertholdt and stood up too quickly, now that he was seated again his right leg felt like hell.

“Oh!” Bertholdt smiled. “You ordered my beverage already.” He took a sip. “Thanks, I hate waiting.”

Reiner just stared at the boy, as though he were a work of art. Well, to Reiner he was one.

Bertholdt took a good look at him.

“You’re glowing, Reiner.” He smiled. “Gotta keep hitting the gym again. You look good.” He sipped more of his drink.

“Right?” Reiner replied cockily. “I’m a babe.”

 _Yes, you are._ Bertholdt rolled his eyes.

“How was tutoring?” Reiner asked.

Bertholdt’s eyes widened at the question. Shit, he wasn’t good at lying on the spot.

“G-good.” He replied, averting Reiner’s gaze.

“Don’t you ever get bored?” Reiner asked in good spirits. “Why not just find an actual and consistent job?”

“W-well.” Bertholdt thought of a response. “I get to make my own schedule… kind of. And the pay can be good, depending on how many students I get in one day.”

Reiner sipped from his drink, crushing a napkin to throw at Bertholdt.

“No news from the bookstore?” 

“I-I haven’t sent my CV yet.” He couldn’t think of a lie, so he simply told the truth.

Reiner smiled and threw the crushed napkin at Bertholdt’s face.

“H-hey!” he kicked Reiner’s shin, playfully. It was a soft kick, but it hurt, given his current injury.

“Bertl,” Reiner sipped his latte. “what do you want to do? I was thinking we could head to the movies, but honestly, my legs hurt so fucking bad, I don’t think I can even drive.” He laughed.

Bertholdt looked at him sympathetically and nodded.

“Hm.” he held his chin.  “Well, that’s easy. Let’s go home and binge watch Netflix.” He proposed enthusiastically.

Reiner smiled. _This is my chance!_ “Sure,” He took a final sip from his drink. “I’m okay with that.”

Bertholdt stood and grabbed his hot chocolate. He wasn’t done yet. He heard Reiner groan and turned to face him. Reiner was getting up slowly, but his face showed, although narrowly, that he was in pain.

“Reiner!” he drew his attention. “Are you okay?” he placed the beverage on the table and strode to his friend.

“Yeah, don’t worry.” He shrugged it off. “I just hadn’t been to the gym in a while and fucked up by resuming my normal routine, so I kinda pulled a muscle.”

“It’s okay.” Bertholdt grabbed his forearm and placed it around his neck, providing support. “You can hang onto me.” He smiled at his friend.

 _I have never been happier to have pulled a muscle in my life._ “Well, I’d usually reject the offer, but I **_did_** just pay for your drink, so you kinda owe me.” Reiner mocked.

Bertholdt grabbed and placed Reiner’s hand on his waist, forgetting about his beverage. Not that he would have cared anyway. “Hold onto me, granny.”

_Make love to me, Bertl._

They walked out of the shop and suddenly stopped. Bertholdt surveyed the area to find their car, and spotted it after couple of seconds. Reiner noticed and looked for the keys in his pocket. “Here.” He handed them to him.

Bertholdt took the keys and let go off Reiner. “Why did you park the car so far away if you knew you were in pain? There’s like three spots right there.” He pointed to three parking spots a couple of meters away from the shop.

“Aren’t you supposed to be a genius?” Reiner crossed his arms and smirked condescendingly. “When I got here they were occupied.” He poked Bertholdt’s forehead. “Duh.”

“W-well,” Bertholdt responded. That was so obvious, he felt like a moron now. What a stupid question. "you could have still looked for a better spot!" Reiner laughed at him. “S-shut up. Just stay here, it’s easier if I pick you up.”

Reiner leaned against the shop’s wall. Bertholdt took off.

He looked at the spot of his forearm Bertholdt grabbed, and placed his hand on it. He smiled softly. _He was so warm._

Two minutes had passed and their car was on sight. Bertholdt stationed it in front of the shop, and hopped off the car. He quickly strode towards Reiner before the latter could move, and positioned him to their previous stance, to help him walk towards the car.

“Bertl,” Reiner laughed “I’m not handicapped.” _Please hold me more._

“Just let me help you.”  

* * *

Reiner was in tears, the sound of uncontrollable laughter echoing through the building. Bertholdt’s grip on him tightened, scared his friend was going to fall off the stairs.

“Reiner!” Bertholdt called desperately. “Why are you laughing?” He looked forward and hissed. “Tch. Of all days, today the elevator has to be in maintenance.” He was trying to go up the stairs, pulling Reiner along with him, but his friend wasn’t budging. He was practically carrying him at this point.

Reiner’s stomach was in pain, both from the exercise and intense laughter. Bertholdt looked at his friend and lost it. He was now laughing along with him, but it was a desperate laugh. The type of laugh you release when you don’t know what’s going on, but whatever is happening is still funny.

What the hell was going on? Reiner just started laughing out of the blue, and with each passing second his laugh just grew louder. Bertholdt was in absolute confusion. He kept asking why Reiner was laughing, but the only response he got was more laughter.

“Reiner,” Bertholdt called, groaning. “we’re almost there, but I can’t keep carrying you. I’m going to break my back, give me a hand here!”

Reiner wiped the tears with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry.” he apologised, the laughter slowly ending.

After what felt like hours, they finally reached their floor. Bertholdt unlocked the door and pushed Reiner in.

“What was that about?” Bertholdt ran fingers through his hair as he kicked the door shut, confused smile plastered on his face.

Reiner limped towards the couch and plopped on it. “Okay.” he began. Bertholdt sat on the armchair across and listened intently for the upcoming story.

“So, this one time I was in bed scrolling through Facebook. This was like a year ago or something, after coming back from school. It was when I began going the gym heavily again.” Bertholdt leaned on his right arm. “I was looking at memes and there was this video on my news-feeds, it was three black guys going up the stairs. One of them was in the middle, his legs were limp and the other two were literally carrying him up the stairs.” Reiner started laughing and pinched the bridge of his nose with a grin. “They finally reached their floor and they started carrying the dude in the middle, as if he were passed out. He looked absolutely dead, and the caption said, ' _the day after leg day'_ or something. I remember I started laughing like crazy because it reminded me of when I first started going to the gym and I had to crawl up the stairs after I came home. My mom freaked out and, I don’t know, man. It was hilarious.” Reiner was as red as a tomato.

Bertholdt grinned throughout the whole tale. Reiner threw his head back, resting it on the couch. He looked at the ceiling and kept smiling over the memory.

They were in comfortable silence. Bertholdt smiled fondly, looking at his friend. His phone vibrated in his pocket.

Reiner’s eyes were closed.

He took his phone and checked the notification.

 **Annie (17:58 P.M.):** _  
How long until you’re done? Just wondering_

He stared blankly at the screen for a couple of seconds. He put his phone back in his pocket and stood up. He walked towards Reiner and nudged his shoulder.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep. We’ve got shows to watch.”

Reiner opened his eyes, and looked at Bertholdt. He could feel his heart warm. “Bertl” he smiled. “Don’t hate me, but I’m feeling kinda lazy. I don’t want to watch TV on the couch, not enough space and I’m uncomfortable.”

Bertholdt stuck his hands in his pockets. “Well, let’s watch in my room, then.”

Reiner huffed. “And watch in your iPad? I dunno, man.”

“No, dummy. We can watch on my desktop. Gaming rig, remember? Watching shows on it is sexy.” Bertholdt announced proudly.

“Oh. Sure, then.” _This is it._ “Help me up.”

Bertholdt offered his hand and Reiner used it for support. He let out a cry of pain.

“Motherfucker.” Reiner cussed.

They reached his room and Reiner now lay on Bertholdt’s bed, a pillow against the wall for comfort and facing the desktop. Bertholdt connected his PS3 controller and tested it.

“Yosh! It’s all working.” He plopped on the mattress, sitting to Reiner’s right.

They started browsing through Netflix.

“Sherlock?” asked Bertholdt.

“That’s ninety minutes per episode. Fuck that.”

“Pfft.” Bertholdt kept browsing.

“Oh shit!” Reiner excitedly tapped Bertholdt’s hand. “Courage the Cowardly Dog!”

Bertholdt creased his eyebrows. “You’re kidding, right?”

Reiner looked at Bertholdt and frowned over his expression of disapproval.

“Oh!” Bertholdt yelped excitedly. “How about this? ‘ _How To Tame a Dragon_ ’ he spoke up. It’s a film about a Viking kid that’s learning to slay dragons, until he meets a particular one and realises he wants to befriend dragons instead of killing them. It’s animated, too.” He looked at Reiner, who perked up in interest.

“Sounds good!” Reiner agreed.

* * *

Thirty minutes into the film, and Reiner had fallen asleep already. Normally, Bertholdt would quit the film and let his friend sleep, but he was interested enough to keep watching. He was about to reposition Reiner, but he drowsily woke up, unaware of his surroundings. He was in a state of hypnagogia: between the state of slumber and consciousness. 

“Hey.” Bertholdt whispered. “It's okay. Lie down and sleep.”

Reiner lay on his side, resting his head on Bertholdt’s lap, falling back asleep immediately. Bertholdt continued watching the film, and looked down to Reiner every now and then.

Reiner moved, now resting on the opposite direction, facing Bertholdt’s stomach. He gripped the hem of Bertholdt’s shirt, as a baby holds on to their mother for comfort and safety. He smiled at the gesture, and continued watching the film, gently stroking Reiner’s head.


	15. Reiner's x Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three words: SHIT'S GOING DOWN!
> 
> I was so immersed while writing this that I even got nervous lol
> 
> If you liked this, please leave kudos if you haven't, or a comment, so I can know if I'm doing something right. I also happily welcome criticism, I want to improve <3

Bertholdt and Reiner were lying in bed together, as they tended to do at times, with no shame. Reiner was deeply passed out, no sign of waking anytime soon. He moved from time to time and held on to his friend, as a heedless act of grogginess. They have shared a bed plenty of times, and have even cuddled in times of despair, so this was nothing new.

But Bertholdt was wide awake, lost in thought—sadness overcoming his expression. Ever since Annie said she loved him, his mood skyrocketed. He felt happy, excited, and proud. That intimate night frequented his mind, and he lived it over and over again in his daydreaming. He used it to fantasise at night, touching himself while thinking of her. Then, they reached a decision. They agreed to date. Annie looked happy at the moment, and Bertholdt was in total disbelief over everything that had been happening in the past few months.

He thought his life would change for good, and that he’d have a chance to move on from Reiner. And truth is, he felt he was. But lately, his relationship with her had been depressing him. Nobody knows about their relationship. Annie wants to keep it hidden from everyone, providing the excuse she doesn’t feel ready for people to know. The first time she said this was a month and a half ago.

For almost two months, Bertholdt has sneaked into her room through the window—whenever Sasha, Krista or Ymir were home—and left through it as well. They took advantage of the group’s dancing when they were in clubs, and sneaked out to make love in the boldest places. But when they went back to their oblivious friends, she acted cold, distant—as she used to prior to everything they were now. This, coupled with the fact they meticulously planned their meetings, made none of their friends, including Reiner, suspect a thing.

Only one person knew. Unbeknownst to Bertholdt, Krista was well aware of their relationship. After all, Annie confided this to her. The closest anyone came to knowing as well was Sasha, but all she knew was that they hooked up once. Nothing more. So, everyone was oblivious, and they would remain to be, as Krista held on to that secret for dear life—all in attempts of protecting Reiner. All for Reiner's sake.

Bertholdt felt she was ashamed of him. She kept saying she simply wasn’t ready, but when would she be? When would she stop acting cold up front, but affectionately behind closed doors? He felt she was using him to revoke her loneliness, or because she was bored. He harboured strong, genuine feelings for her, but the dynamic of their relationship was convincing him, little by little, that she didn’t.

But she did. She was in love with Bertholdt. She just didn’t want anyone to know, she wanted to share their relationship privately. Only with him. In her mind, there’s nothing wrong with that. She didn’t stop to think that acting cold, sometimes as if he didn’t exist, in public, completely shattered him.

Why did it have to be a secret? This is what Bertholdt repeatedly asked himself.

He wanted everyone to know. He wanted Eren, Mikasa, Belanor, Armin, Sasha, Ymir, Krista—he wanted everyone, Marco, Jean, he wanted **_everyone_** to know. He wanted to be able to hold her in public, to kiss her, to hold her hand. He wanted everyone to know he was loved. But more importantly, he wanted to tell Reiner. He wanted to tell his best friend. He wanted to tell him he was wrong, that he was, in fact, loved by someone other than him.

But Annie wouldn’t allow this. And it hurt him so bad.

* * *

  _“It’s humiliating, no, degrading, to go in and out the window whenever I come here.”_

_“So, you’ll just hide me until the end times. Gotcha.”_

Annie’s conversation with Bertholdt had been circling her mind all day. It was 19:30 P.M. right now, and Bertholdt still hadn’t responded to any of her texts. She felt remorseful, and couldn’t stop wondering about what he was doing right now.

_With Reiner being the man-whore he is, I have no idea what he might be dragging Bertl into right now.  
_

She doesn’t know what she’s feeling right now. She gazed her door, looking at the bag hanger her purse was hung on. In it was the key copy Bertholdt gave her for his apartment. She’s going to apologise. She’ll stop by his favourite bakery and buy him croissants. Then, she’ll wait for him at his apartment and make hot chocolate, his favourite, with him. To any couple, this could be an everyday activity, but to her, this was a **_big_** deal. It was a huge way of apologising, and the most romantic thing, in midst of her inexperience, she could think of.

She kept her leggings but changed her shirt for a hoodie. She walked downstairs, where Ymir and Krista were cuddling on the couch, watching one of Krista’s shitty shows.

“Ymir.” Annie called softly.

She paused the show. “What is it?” she asked, though not aggressively.

“Can I borrow your car?”

Krista turned to look at her.

“What do you need it for?”

“There’s some places I need to go, but I don’t want an uber. It’s more practical if I use a vehicle myself.” she replied dully.

“Yeah, sure.” Ymir turned to face the TV again. “Keys are in the coat on top of my bed.” She played the show.

“Thanks.”

Ymir dismissed her with her hand, as a sign of saying “ _you’re welcome._ ”

She went upstairs, grabbed the keys, and took off.

* * *

Bertholdt’s eyes watered and tears leaked. Honestly, he was so sensitive it was ridiculous. But the idea of being unloved or played with was his soft spot. The idea of Annie playing with him out of boredom hurt immensely, and her being embarrassed of being seen with him stung even more.

This soft spot might derive from the fact his father never came back for him. He was **_played_** and **_lied_** to. So, the possibility of Annie playing with his heart—lying about loving him, completely killed him inside. Specially since his fragile heart had grown so many feelings towards her. He snuff.

While Bertholdt lamented to himself, Reiner slowly woke up and took in his surroundings. He sat up and rubbed his eye. Bertholdt froze on the spot.

“Hey, Bertl.” he yawned. “How long have I been asleep for?”

Bertholdt didn’t answer.

Reiner noticed his friend was also lain to his side, just as he had been moments ago. He looked over him to confirm if he was asleep.

Bertholdt quickly wiped his tears, but Reiner had already noticed.

“Hey, you.” Reiner touched his shoulder. “Did you have another nightmare?” he asked, concern in his voice.

“N-no.” Bertholdt responded.

They looked at each other for a couple of seconds.

“Then why are you crying?”

Silence.

“It’s fine.” Reiner lay back down. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“Come here.” he raised his arm, indicating Bertholdt to snuggle under it—a common gesture Reiner provided for comfort. The teary boy complied.

They lay in silence.

* * *

Annie looked at the stand. Croissants, cheesecakes, tiramisus! So many delicious things. She might as well grab at least two of each that draws her eye. She and Bertholdt did have a sweet tooth after all.

Bertholdt… her Bertholdt.

_I don’t want you to think I’m ashamed of you._

The employee looked at her patiently.

“Give me two blueberry cheesecakes, a lemon pie, one milk cake and five croissants.”

“Right away.” responded the employee, amicable expression on his face.

He packed the desserts, Annie handed him the money and she left.

_I promise I’ll make it up to you._

* * *

“I’m hungry.” Bertholdt announced, clearly feeling better now.

Reiner smiled. “Same.” He sat up and stretched. “Do you want to order something?”

“Nah, I’m too lazy to wait. There’s pizza rolls on the freezer, just pack that shit in the oven and heat it up.” Bertholdt replied, now salivating at the thought of food.

“We can also make hot chocolate. That always seems to cheer you up.” Reiner gently nudged Bertholdt’s shoulder with his fist.

Bertholdt blushed “T-There’s no need. I’m feeling better now.” he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Are you seriously denying hot chocolate right now?”

The two boys looked at each other for a couple of seconds. Bertholdt smiled. Reiner knew this meant a clear “ _let's do it, then_.”

Bertholdt stood up. “I have to go to the bathroom. Can you walk?”

“I’m not handicapped, Bertl.”

“S-sorry. I just worry.”

Reiner smiled warmly. “I know. Go ahead, I’ll prep the pizza rolls.”

Reiner limped to the kitchen. He opened the freezer and moved around packets of frozen fruits, vegetables, and meat until he found the snack he sought. He pre-heated the oven.

Meanwhile, Bertholdt was in the bathroom. He washed his face and stared into the mirror. He placed his hands to the sides of the sink.

 _Annie…_ _what do I have to do so you’re not ashamed of me?_

He looked down for a couple of seconds, eyes shut. He sighed. A drop of water rolled down his nose. He looked back up, dried his hands and face, and headed to the kitchen.

Reiner was sitting on a chair, elbows resting on the kitchen’s counter, watching a video on his phone. Bertholdt smiled warmly at the sight.

The ticking from the oven reverberated through the apartment.

Bertholdt sneaked behind his friend, and gripped both his shoulders. Reiner jumped.

“My God, Bertl!” Reiner slapped his hands away. “You scared me.”

Bertholdt apologised. He took a seat next to Reiner, leaning on his right hand, gazing at his friend. “What are you watching?”

Reiner paused the video with a grin on his face. “Check this out.” He played the video from the start.

The video showed three newsreaders, two males and one female, presenting an “unfortunate” event: a model falling twice on the runway. The first fall was funny. Bertholdt chuckled. After the second fall, the newsreaders couldn’t contain themselves, and started laughing so hard all you could hear was wheezing.

 _“That had to hurt. That was uncool.”, “That’s embarrassing”,_ were some of the things the two male presenters said, wheezing in laughter. The female presenter interrupted, demanding them to _“try walking in those shoes.”_

 _“George,”_ one of the male presenters called. _“George!”_

More intense wheezing and laughter.

At this point, Bertholdt slapped a hand to his mouth. He erupted in laughter, increasing dramatically by the second, tears forming in his eyes, his olive skin turning red. Reiner laughed over the video, but his friend’s reaction was too much to bear, making him lose control as well.

Bertholdt started coughing, tears rolling down his cheeks, laughing so hard he was bending over, holding his belly. Reiner dropped his phone on the counter and covered his face with his hands, laughing. Bertholdt kept coughing, so Reiner hit his back three times.

“Oh my God.” Bertholdt wheezed. “That was fucking hilarious.”

Reiner laughed. “Right? I love these kinda videos.”

Bertholdt managed to calm down. He looked at Reiner, grinning.

Reiner looked back at him.

 _Reiner, this is your chance. It’s the perfect moment._ His heartrate skyrocketed. _This is it. This is it, Reiner! Do it!_

“Bertholdt.”

“Reiner.”

They called each other’s names at the same time. Reiner’s heart skipped a beat. His hands started trembling. Both boys were in silence, waiting for the other to speak up.

_I’m so fucking nervous right now. I don’t know if I can do this. But Krista encouraged me, she believed in me. I can do this. I can do it._

Bertholdt was the one to speak up first.

“Reiner.” The call of his name made him hold back what he was about to say.

“Y-yeah, Bertl?” _I feel like I’m going to vomit._

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” Bertholdt smiled.

Reiner’s heart was beating so fast, he began to feel dizzy.

“What is—“

“I have a girlfriend.” he announced proudly.

Reiner’s heart sank.

There was absolute silence. No reaction from Reiner, which surprised Bertholdt. He was literally speechless. Bertholdt could see his hands trembling.

“Reiner?” Bertholdt called.

“Who is she?” Reiner managed to ask quietly, voice shaking.

“It’s Annie.” Bertholdt said softly. “But don’t tell anyone yet!" he waved his hands. "We’re keeping it a secret for now, but I was itching to tell you.” 

Reiner's breathing was ragged, completely uneven. _How the fuck could I be so oblivious? Of course it’s her. They’d been hanging out for months. Of fucking course it was her._ He felt he was about to pass out.

“It kinda started this night when we hooked up, but it didn’t feel like just a hook-up, so we started dating a couple of days after that.” Bertholdt continued.

Reiner’s eyes watered. _They had sex!_ He clenched his fists so hard he felt his fingers would snap. Tears rolled down his cheeks, his eyebrows creased in rage.

Bertholdt’s eyes widened at the sudden fluctuating expressions and behaviour in his friend, and felt immense concern. “R-Reiner, what’s wrong?”

_No. The plan stands._

“Bertholdt.”

_But he’s with her. He’s taken. I can’t do anything, I can’t confess. I fucked up and missed my chance._

“That’s…” Reiner couldn’t continue.

_No. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t fucking matter!_

Reiner cracked his ring finger with his thumb. Bertholdt immediately recognised the gesture, and the concern that was building up increased dramatically.

He gripped Reiner’s shoulders in worry. His voice was desperate. “Reiner, what’s going on!?”

Reiner wasn't hearing a single word Bertholdt was saying.

_I can’t do this. He’s taken. I can’t do it, I can’t do this to him—to her, she’s my friend too. I can’t do this._

Reiner’s devotion towards Bertholdt made him both strong and weak. He wanted him to be happy, and if he was with Annie, he should respect that. Bertholdt held relationships sacred—if he was with her, it was for a reason. It was **_big_** and _ **important.**_ He _ **had**_ to respect that.

_But she’s so cold. She’s so cold to him. He was crying earlier, she must have been the reason._

No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t respect that. No, she doesn’t love him. She doesn’t love him like he does, nobody loves Bertholdt like he does. She doesn’t deserve him. She’s cold, she’s distant—she doesn’t treat him the way he deserves. No!

_But I had my chance. I had so many chances. I can't do it. I can't do this to them! Specially him!_

Reiner's body was quivering like a leaf.

_No. He's mine. There's no one else for him, no one can love him like I do. She doesn't deserve him, nobody does. No. I'm the only one for him._

_No. I’m not going to lose him. I’m not going to lose him! I’m not letting her take him away from me!_

This thought process happened in a matter of seconds. Reiner’s heart and mind sped so fast he wasn’t able to rationally digest his own emotions, much less control them. He was furious. His eyebrows creased and his eyes sunk, tears on his cheeks.

“Reiner!” Bertholdt shook his shoulders in desperation. “You’re scaring me! Please tell me what’s wrong!” His voice broke.

Reiner gripped Bertholdt's wrist.

“Reiner?”

Reiner’s eyes were feral.

“Reiner!?” Bertholdt asked again, his pitch rising.

Reiner pushed away Bertholdt’s hands from his shoulders. He cupped his face, and went for it.

He kissed Bertholdt as hard and furiously as he could.


	16. Rage x And x Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL... I guess things escalated a little bit.

The kiss was far from pretty. It was a furious kiss—meant to convey anger, pain, and possessiveness. Bertholdt’s lip was scratched, and now the taste of blood lingered on their tongues. After a couple of seconds of violent kissing, a kiss that bordered dangerously close to how an animal marks territory, Reiner pulled away. The kiss was not returned.

Bertholdt was frozen in place, mouth agape, eyes so widened they stung from the lack of blinking. Reiner’s breathing was agitated.

Both boys stared at each other.

Silence.

Silence.

Staring.

“I love you.” Reiner declared with a shaky voice, fresh tears on his cheeks and a slight tint of Bertholdt’s blood on his lip.

Bertholdt was on the verge of tears. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, as if to erase the kiss violently placed on his lips.

“I love you, Bertholdt.” Reiner stood up.

Bertholdt, reflexively, imitated the action the moment he saw Reiner get up from his seat. He walked towards him, and Bertholdt took two steps back.

“Bertholdt.” Reiner called, desperation in his voice.

Bertholdt slowly walked away from Reiner, unknowingly heading to the couch, eyes fixated on him.

The boy he loved kept walking away from him, creating more and more distance between them. Reiner couldn’t understand why.

_Please say something, Bertholdt._

_Why are you walking away from me?_

_Bertholdt, please._

Reiner kept walking towards Bertholdt, but the shaken boy just held a hand up, as if signaling Reiner to stop moving.

“S-stop.” Bertholdt demanded, although reluctantly. “Don’t get any closer.” His voice broke. “P-please.”

Reiner complied.

The situation was overwhelming Bertholdt. He was unable to react, or speak. He didn’t know what to do. Reiner just kissed him, and confessed that he loves him. His body started quivering.

Reiner disobeyed Bertholdt’s command after a couple of seconds, and started walking towards him again, albeit slowly.

“R-reiner! Don’t come any closer!” Bertholdt tried to command, but his voice was too shaky and weak to make any demands. It was pathetic.

Bertholdt walked back to create more distance, hitting, and almost tripping on the coffee table.

“Bertl.” Reiner called softly. He was now face-to-face with Bertholdt, no barrier of distance between their bodies. Bertholdt didn’t know what to do.

Reiner placed his hands on Bertholdt’s waist and pulled him closer. He lay his head on his shoulder.

“Bertl, I love you.” His broken voice indicated he was about to start crying.

Bertholdt wanted to push him away. He wanted to slap his hands away from his waist, but he was too weak. He was too shocked.

He felt Reiner turn his head away from his shoulder to his neck. He felt a soft kiss being placed on it.

“Bertl.” Reiner whimpered.

Bertholdt’s breathing began shuddering.

“Bertl, I love you.” He began crying. “I’ve always loved you. I’ve never cared about anyone else, you’re all I want.” Reiner’s words were repetitive in nature, but he couldn’t find anything else to say. “I love you Bertl, I’ve always loved you—it’s always been you. The one I love.” He tightened his grip on Bertholdt’s waist.

Bertholdt’s shuddered breathing made him sound frightened. He still hadn’t uttered a single word about the love confession.

Reiner pulled away from his neck and rested his forehead against Bertholdt’s.

“Please say something.” Reiner begged.

Bertholdt’s eyebrows furrowed and the corners of his mouth drooped. His jaw started quivering, tears now rolling down his cheeks. He slapped Reiner’s hands away from him and pushed him forcefully. The force almost made Reiner fall.

Reiner was shocked.

“Why?” Bertholdt screamed, clenching his fists.

“Why are you telling me this?” He spat. “Why are you telling me this now! Why?”

Reiner didn’t know what he meant.

Bertholdt pointed at him “Why the fuck are you doing this now?” he demanded an answer. “Why? Why now that I’ve finally found someone? Why are you doing this!?” He whimpered, chest shuddering painfully. “What the fuck are you trying to prove?” Bertholdt was exploding.

“B-Bertl!” Reiner was about to speak, but Bertholdt changed his mind. He didn’t want an answer anymore. He wanted to explode.

“No! Shut the fuck up! You listen to me now!” Bertholdt screamed. The tears never stopped—now completely soaking his face, a drop running down his quivering jaw.

“What are you trying to prove with this? Why can’t you let me be happy? Why do you always have to ruin things?”

Reiner tried to interject. “Bertl, what do—“

“Every time I feel someone cares about me, every time someone gets close to me, you always manipulate me into thinking they’re playing me.” Bertholdt was shaking so much, it almost looked as though he stood naked in a blizzard.

“You always want to make me think I’m worthless, that you’re the only one who cares about me!”

In the span of seconds that Reiner confessed, Bertholdt was enlightened.

The situation made him recall specific moments in his life, drawing out the purest essence of his memory. Whenever someone showed interest in Bertholdt, Reiner appeared to interject, drawing said person away from his friend. He only connected the dots now.

_“For the record, Hoover, nobody really gives a shit about you besides me.”_

Bertholdt recalled their confrontation. These words—uttered by the one he called his best friend, the boy he was in love with, fooled his mind into thinking it was true. His mother hated him. His father abandoned him. His friends ignored him, he was invisible. Nobody cared; only Reiner. Reiner **_convinced_** him of this.

Recalling the confrontation stimulated his mind, stirring up the dirt collected in the depths of his memory, like throwing a stone in a pond. Bertholdt’s anger allowed him to scoop up these memories, and realise the truth.

Reiner manipulated him.

“Annie loves me...” Bertholdt cried. “She loves me, and now that you know this you want to take it away from me.” His nails dug deeply into his palms.

Reiner took a step forward.

“Is that why she ignores you every time we hang out?” Reiner muttered.

Bertholdt clenched his jaw.

“Is that why she treats you like shit? Coldly? And you always run back like a fucking stray dog?” Reiner sniped. “She’s humiliated you, hit you, and you always go back to her and she always does the same things over and over again. Since we were kids. And you mean to tell me she loves you?” Reiner grinned condescendingly. “Why?” he asked. “Because you had a good month or two, from all the years you’ve known each other, where you hung out? Watched shows? What about all the times you came bruised to school? Did she ever notice or offer a lending hand?”

Bertholdt’s heart was in confusion, not knowing what to believe.

“A cold-hearted bitch like her could never love someone like you.” Reiner insisted.

Bertholdt’s eyes widened over the insult.

Reiner was about to continue, until he felt a fist strike his cheek, with decent force, but it was obvious the responsible person for the punch was holding back immensely.

“Take that back, Reiner!” demanded Bertholdt.

Reiner held his injured cheek.

“Take that back, or I won’t forgive you!”

Reiner walked towards Bertholdt, ignoring the fact he was just hit, and pushed him into the couch. He got on top of Bertholdt and held his left arm in place with his own, cupping his face with his free hand. His thumb applied pressure on his left cheek, while the rest of his fingers dug into the right one.

Bertholdt was scared.

“She doesn’t love you, Bertholdt.” he insisted. “She doesn’t love you like I do. She can’t give you what you need—someone like her, someone that’s too ashamed to admit we're her friends **_cannot_** love someone like you. She’s too cold and prideful to admit any sort of feelings. You know this. Isn’t that why you stared so much? Isn’t that why you worried about her? Because she was too cold, too emotionless?”

Bertholdt squeezed his eyes shut, feeling discomfort over the excessive pressure Reiner applied on his cheeks.

Reiner wasn’t being himself right now. His toxic, possessive, and selfish devotion towards Bertholdt, bordering on fanaticism, made him lose control of himself, his mind elaborating the best arguments he could to win Bertholdt over—all in the sake of not losing him to Annie.

Reiner’s grip on Bertholdt’s face loosened, and he placed a kiss on the boy’s lips, the hand previously holding him in place now clutching the hem of Bertholdt’s shirt, with the intention of gradually lifting it.

Bertholdt didn’t fight back, and cried during the kiss. He gripped Reiner’s waist and pulled it towards him. This was enough for Reiner to understand that Bertholdt reciprocated his feelings, and that the outburst from before didn’t derive from rage for being kissed, but disbelief that Reiner only confessed at the worst possible time—when Bertholdt already was taken.

The kiss intensified. They ground against each other, and Reiner stuck his hand underneath Bertholdt's shirt, exploring the taut abdomen Bertholdt was tightening. He produced a moan that sent chills up Reiner's spine. And at that moment, the ruffling of keys was heard outside their door. The door was opened, and all that was heard was the drop of a box.

Reiner looked back, and what he found was the figure of Annie’s widened eyes, observing the situation. He was completely, absolutely, and irrevocably unempathetic over Annie’s shocked expression.

Bertholdt gasped, trying to push Reiner away from him, but the boy held him in place, making him unable to stand up. Reiner's unblinking, widened eyes were fixated on Annie, as if to challenge her. The more he stared at her, the tighter his grip on Bertholdt's wrists was.

She simply turned back and walked away.

Bertholdt kneed Reiner in the stomach, able to free himself from his restraint, and ran after Annie, shrieking her name. Rather than waiting for the elevator, she ran down the stairs as fast as she could—desperately wanting to get in Ymir’s car to get away from these two as quickly as possible.

Bertholdt was following, but he felt Reiner’s grip on his wrist, being pulled back towards him.

He pulled Bertholdt towards him, gripping his abdomen with his free hand, coercing him into a forceful hug. He brushed his lips against his ear. “She’s not going to listen to you. Let her go.” he whispered.

Bertholdt was so emotionally strained, so deeply affected and overwhelmed by the suddenness of the situation that he didn’t have the strength to fight back. He combusted into tears—letting Reiner handle him. He pulled Bertholdt back in the apartment, closing and locking the door. He gently pushed him against it, cupping his chin and gently locking their lips, running his tongue down the boy's lower lip. His hands began exploring his body, and Bertholdt couldn’t help but moan—both in pain and involuntary desire. Reiner planted kisses all over his neck, unbuckling Bertholdt’s belt.

He gently held the boy's wrist, and led him to his room.

Bertholdt cried all the way through.


	17. Absolute x Hatred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS CHAPTER. I had a bout of inspiration and this was the result.  
> WTF IS GOING ON WITH THESE PEOPLE. EVERYONE'S CRAZY UGH
> 
> I'M SORRY ANNIE, BERTHOLDT, REINER

Bertholdt was on fetal position, naked, hands beneath his ear, fresh tears on his cheeks—his dry seed on his stomach. Beside him lay Reiner, his back to Bertholdt. He was now beginning to feel the weight of his actions.

He and Bertholdt just had sex. He wishes he could say they made love, but they didn’t. It wasn’t what Reiner had dreamed of every night for years. The physical sensation was great, but the emotional burden completely weighed it down. Reiner did most of the work, while Bertholdt lay, crying during most of the intercourse.

There was a mixture of pleasurable moans and weeping coming from the boy, but Reiner was so frantic for Bertholdt he didn’t think about stopping. He wanted the boy—and he wanted to soothe his heart by making him feel good.

He didn’t.

Bertholdt’s heart was still in pain. He didn’t tell Reiner to stop, but he wishes he had. He wanted Reiner—but he didn’t want, or intend for it to happen like this. He didn’t want Reiner to force himself on him, Bertholdt eventually giving in just because of his love towards him, and because he was too weak to say no. He didn’t want it to happen by betraying Annie.

Annie. She hated him now, didn’t she? She must be so incredibly disgusted. He can’t imagine how he’s going to fix their friendship, much less their relationship, after this. The thought alone made him whimper again, and his whimpers triggered a domino effect—making Reiner cry alongside him.

Reiner lost control of himself and hurt two people he cared about.

The guilt he bore in his heart right now, his previous actions; the way he tried to manipulate Bertholdt, the way he coldly looked at Annie, without any shred of sympathy or regret, while she stood there in shock—as he groped and kissed her boyfriend... It was unbearable. He collapsed, and cried painfully.

Bertholdt didn’t care.

He stood up, and headed to the bathroom to clean himself up.

* * *

Annie was over five blocks away from Reiner and Bertholdt’s apartment. She found a coffee shop, and parked the car across it. She turned off the engine and unbuckled her belt.

The image of Reiner on top of Bertholdt, kissing him, grinding him… it was all too vivid in her mind. She was in absolute shock. It was a bit late, but it came. The realisation came: Bertholdt betrayed her.

She exposed her heart to him and put herself in the most vulnerable position she ever had in her life, and he betrayed her.

She slowly brought her legs up to her chest, and hugged them. She lay her chin on her knee.

She took a deep breath, and did something she hadn’t done in years.

She cried uncontrollably.

* * *

Bertholdt wanted to cry, and cry, and cry, but no more tears came out. The hot water poured out of the shower head, soaking his hair, and burning his body. Steam engulfed the bathroom. He was showering with the highest temperature possible, in his mind, as a small punishment for what he had done.

Why did he do it? Why did he give in to Reiner instead of chasing Annie?

“ _She’s not going to listen to you.”_

Bertholdt gritted his teeth.

_So fucking what, Reiner? It’s the least I can do!_

Why couldn’t he muster enough courage to say that? Why couldn’t he be strong enough to tell Reiner to fuck off, and chase his girlfriend? Why did he give in? Why was he so fucking weak-willed?

He grabbed the bar of soap and furiously scrubbed his body. He felt incredibly dirty, but no matter how hard he scrubbed, how deeply he sank his nails into his skin, he **_still_** felt filthy. He thoroughly washed every inch of his body Reiner had kissed, particularly his cavity, as if to erase Reiner had been inside him. His right arm stung. He, unintentionally, drew blood from scratching too hard, the hot water intensifying the pain of the wound.

_Take it, Bertholdt. You deserve it._

He scratched the wound over and over, sinking his nails deeper—groaning in pain, drawing more blood.

_Take it._

He scratched deeper.

_Take it!_

More stinging. He groaned in pain.

_Take it! Scum!_

Crimson mixed with the crystal clear trail of water that flushed down the drain.

Why was this happening to him? He just wanted to be loved. He just wanted to share his life with someone. He just wanted to cuddle, dine, have someone who loved him wear his shirts; snuggling him afterwards.

He just wanted to be happy with someone.

His body was now burning, so he turned the valve to the right, releasing cold water.

He gasped, both in pain and relief.

After a couple of seconds, he shut off the water valve. He grabbed his towel and dried himself, carefully patting his wound, tainting the white towel with crimson. He placed the towel around his waist and headed for his room, walking past Reiner’s. He was still sobbing.

He opened his closet and grabbed random boxers, cargo pants and a long-sleeved shirt. He put on deodorant, dressed quickly, and put on his shoes. He was shaking.

He walked into Reiner’s room and looked for the car keys, ignoring the sobbing boy. He gathered his things and strode to the door, stopping when seeing the box Annie had dropped.

A box from his favourite bakery, full of some of his favourite treats. He crouched and stared at it. His eyes watered at the thought of Annie taking the time to buy all of this for him, and delivering it to him personally. He couldn’t fucking believe how cruel today was being.

He lifted the box tearfully and gently placed it on the counter. He wiped his tears with his sleeve and left the apartment, determined to apologise to Annie.

* * *

Annie parked the car in the garage and looked at herself through the rear mirror. Her nose and eyes were red. She got out of the car, pulled her hood up and walked into the house. Sasha, Eren, Jean, Mikasa, Belanor and Armin were all in the living room, watching TV while eating snacks. She was in too much pain to give a shit about their presence. They greeted her enthusiastically, but her only response was to throw the keys on the dining table, and head straight to her room.

Jean frowned. “What’s her deal?”

“I dunno.” Eren responded, sipping a Heineken. “She does that sometimes, I guess.”

They all shrugged it off, but Armin was left worried. Sure, Annie sometimes walked past them when they came over, but that wasn’t frequent at all; that, and something was different. He felt tempted to follow her to her room to ask, but he knew it just wouldn’t end well. He chose to stay with his friends, but the concern remained.

“When’s Marco gonna get here?” Eren asked, accidentally burping towards the end of the sentence.

Mikasa looked at him sternly.

He sighed. “I know, I know.” was his response to her stare.

They all chuckled at the gesture.

“I don’t know,” Jean checked his phone. “I think in like ten minutes.”

Annie locked herself in her room, shut the blinds and threw herself in the bed. She got under the covers and tried to keep the tears at bay.

How could he do this to her? Was it because he was angry over her keeping their relationship a secret?

_It doesn’t fucking matter if I wanted to keep it a secret or not. You don’t go around making out with other people just because you’re pissed at your significant other. You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot!_

She started bawling again, trying to keep it down as best as she could, to not risk anyone listening.

* * *

There were barely any vehicles on the road, most likely because of the time, and Bertholdt was grateful, due to how many traffic and speeding infractions he was committing. He needed to get there as fast as he could.

His right arm was burning, the wound was deep and he didn’t treat it at all. An involuntary frown of stinging pain slathered his face.

_Almost there. Almost there. Please God, let her be there, she has to be there._

Bertholdt felt as though he was going to vomit. The lump in his throat, the knot in his stomach, the burning in his arm—no matter how painfully anxious they made him, they didn’t compare to the incredible ache and guilt overcoming his heart.

He hated Reiner. He hated Reiner so much right now.

The house was on sight.

* * *

Marco positioned himself between Jean and Sasha. Both friends snuggled up to him, as a manner of teasing and embarrassing him.

Marco was the Krista of the boys—everyone considered him an angel. And truthfully, he was. He was a sweet boy, with a strong sense of justice and love for not only his friends, but people and life in general. He was a skilled artist—which is how he became friends with Reiner, as both boys enjoy drawing—and had a passive nature. He was cherished by his friends.

They all held their beers and cheered.

“To Marco and Jean, and their future freckled babies!” Eren heartfully toasted.

Belanor smiled and rose his tone. “And to Ymir and Krista who are probably having sex right now!”

Mikasa blushed over hearing her boyfriend say such a sensitive word, but everyone else laughed. He had become one of them now.

Everyone clapped and cheered. Jean kissed Marco, in order to baptise their new relationship.

Meanwhile, Krista and Ymir were upstairs, but not doing what the group was thinking.

They were both in bed, Krista hugging a pillow, telling Ymir everything that had happened since she left.

Ymir nodded, furrowing her eyebrows in sympathy when she told her about Reiner’s situation, and how she was too weak to tell him the truth.

She held Krista’s hand. “You weren’t weak.” She said encouragingly. “It was a tough call—one you shouldn’t have had to make to begin with. I get why your concern is Reiner, but the way I see it, he’s in no position to be angry. He’s basically a slut anyway, so why should he be concerned or hurt about who Bertholdt fucks or not?” she stated honestly.

“Frankly,” Ymir untied her hair to redo her ponytail. “I’m on Bertholdt’s side here.”

Krista sighed. “I know what you mean, but Reiner is unpredictable when it comes to Bertl. That’s what worries me.”

“Toxic.” replied Ymir.

“Huh?” Krista looked puzzled.

“The word you’re looking for is toxic.” She finished tying her hair. "He’s a toxic fuck. He manipulates Bertholdt and you know that as well as I do. You’re just too attached to him to admit it. You don’t have the same attachment to Bertholdt, therefore, you think it’s harmless. You think it’s just Reiner being in love with him, but that’s not the case. It’s Reiner being a toxic shit. Bertl is the victim here, and that’s all there is to it.” She stated bluntly, almost aggressively, disregarding Krista’s loyalty to Reiner.

Krista wanted to refute that, but couldn’t. Because it was all true. Reiner was manipulative, but she knew in her heart it wasn’t because Reiner was wicked. He loved Bertholdt, he loved him. He was scared to lose him.

“Krista.” Ymir’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. “I’m sorry, but Reiner can go fuck himself. I’m not going to divulge Bertl’s relationship, but I’m on Annie and Bertl’s side. No matter what. I just wanted you to know that.”

Krista nodded sadly. Ymir embraced her and gently kissed her lips.

* * *

Everyone was chatting heartily, drinking—until a desperate knock on the door interrupted them. It was so sudden and loud, everyone couldn’t help but jolt and silence themselves.

Silence.

The knocking was faster and more desperate.

“Open up!” the anxious, desperate voice outside called.

“Is that…” Sasha stood up to open the door, recognising the voice. Eren and Jean stood up to follow her, staying behind her in case she needed protection.

“Is that Bertholdt?” Armin asked.

“Sounds like it.” replied Belanor.

Sasha looked through the peephole, and, effectively, it was Bertholdt. She opened the door.

“Bertho—“

Bertholdt pushed her aside violently. She would have fallen, had it not been for Jean, who placed himself behind her, holding her waist in place.

The psychotic looking boy surveyed the area, paying particular attention to every person in the living room to see if Annie was on sight. She wasn’t. “Is Annie here?” he asked.

Sasha closed the door, and silence engulfed the room. The chest area Bertholdt pushed hurt.

They didn’t know why, but they felt wary of his presence. This wasn’t the passive, shy boy they knew. There was a distinct look on his face—his eyes were wild, angry, and desperate. He was hysterical. Then, they noticed the blood on his right sleeve. This stressed the severity of whatever the situation was.

“S-she’s in her room.” Sasha responded quietly.

He speedily bolted up the stairs, leaving everyone in silence and concern.

The silence ceased when they heard loud, desperate knocking in one of the rooms upstairs, presumably Annie’s.

“Annie!” Bertholdt screamed. “Annie!” his voice broke.

One of the doors in the hall opened, and Ymir and Krista surfaced.

“Bertholdt?” Ymir called in surprise. “What’s up?”

He ignored her.

He tried opening the door, but it was locked. "Tch." He bent his left arm and began slamming the door with his body, trying to bring down the door. 

Ymir held Krista close to her, both girls deeply disturbed over the sight.

“Annie, open up!” he demanded.

The screaming and violent pushing on the door made the guys downstairs extremely worried. Did something happen to Annie? They all walked up to the hall.

“Bertl, what’s wrong?” Eren asked cautiously, keeping his distance from him. For some reason, he felt scared of approaching him.

He ignored him. He was ignoring everyone.

“Annie, please, let me in!” he begged. He created distance between his body and the door, indicating he was preparing himself to kick it down. He was clearly out of his mind, and the enfolding scene perturbed everyone dramatically.

Annie, inside her room, was in complete shock. She had been crying a lot, and not only for Bertholdt. All the tears she held back for years, from so many events in her life, were shed tonight. Bertholdt was the trigger, and he **_was_** the biggest reason of her pain, but he wasn’t the only reason she was hurting.

She creased her eyebrows, jaw quivering. She hated him right now. She doesn’t care if her image of being the strong, untouchable Annie was shattered tonight. She didn’t care anymore. She hated him, and she wanted him to know.

She stood up and raced towards the door, opening it abruptly. Bertholdt looked shocked, but relieved to see her.

“Annie.” He called, voice breaking. He was about to walk in, when it hit him.

She kicked him as hard as she could in the stomach, pushing him back, making his back violently hit the wall. He panted for air.

Everyone gasped. Belanor took a step back and extended an arm over Mikasa, pushing her behind him as an act of protection.

What the fuck was going on?

 _He found out._ Krista thought. _Reiner found out. What did he do?_ The stress from the last few weeks, coupled with the sight in front of her, made her tear up. Ymir noticed this, and held her tighter.

Bertholdt held his stomach. Annie kicked the air out of him, making him frantically gasp to recover the lost oxygen.

“Get out of here.” she demanded, though not loudly, her voice shaky from anger.

Nobody had ever seen Annie in this state. This only increased the concern among everyone, but no one had the guts to interrupt or ask what was going on. They were, quite simply, paralysed.

“A-Annie.” he tried walking towards her. She kicked him again.

He coughed, but insisted on walking towards her again. He wrapped his arms around her, forcing her into a hug, but she feebly tried to push him back. Not because she wanted to give in, but because she was emotionally debilitated, which weakened her body. She began crying.

Everyone was confused, and nobody knew what to do.

She mustered enough strength to push him back, and struck her fist in his face.

“Get the fuck out of here." Her voice shook, eyebrows creased in fury. "Like hell if I'll listen to you! Go back to that piece of shit!”

She slammed the door, locking it, the force with which it was shut reverberated through everyone's bones.

“Bertholdt.” Krista called softly, pushing Ymir's arms away from her. “you’re bleeding.” She walked towards him in plans of guiding him to the kitchen to patch him up, but Ymir held her arm and stopped her, pulling her back. She shook her head. Krista’s soft nature made her unable to see that approaching Bertholdt right now would, most likely, get her hurt.

Bertholdt wiped the bleeding from his nose with his sleeve, and walked past everyone, holding his stomach, and heading for the door.

Silence engulfed the house once more, and the last thing everyone heard was the front door being slammed.


	18. Heart x To x Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bertholdt is maturing :)

Reiner was sitting on the bathroom floor, knee bent and an arm supported on the toilet seat. He was dizzy. He had been vomiting for the last thirty minutes. Or rather, he had been gagging. He threw up bile the first time, but afterwards his body was just spasming—making him gag every minute or so. At this point, his abdomen hurt profusely. His eyes were swollen, and he had cried with so much intensity his throat was raspy.

_What have I done? I’m so going to lose him. I’m so going to lose him…_

He truly loved Bertholdt. If giving up his life meant Bertholdt’s safety and happiness would be assured, he would do it in a heartbeat. So why? Why did he interfere anytime someone showed interest in Bertholdt? Why did he feel so threatened anytime someone showed care?

It’s because Reiner’s love towards Bertholdt was fanatical—he was militantly obsessed with him. He knew that boy better than anyone. He knew all his quirks, his peeves, the things that made him tick and the things that made him happy.

He knew that, no matter the temperature, Bertholdt needed extra blankets at night because his toes always got cold.

He knew that, most of the times he got sick, Bertholdt only needed a great amount of water, and a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep to be fully recovered. No medicine.

He knew the way he needed to be lulled to sleep when he had nightmares.

He knew the way he liked cutlery placed in the kitchen.

He knew, from front to back, the list he would carry when he went grocery shopping—the exact items, the quantity, and the aisles where to find them. Because it was always the same list.

He knew how he arranged items inside the fridge. All drinks had to be organised in pairs, vegetables were placed on the left, fruits on the right.

He knew that the coffee pot always had to be at least halfway full for the kitchen to look clean.

He knew about this because he had observed him, every day, for years; from the moment his mother took him in.

That’s why Reiner interfered. That’s why he wanted to be the only person in his life. Because he knew him better than anyone. He knew how to make him happy—he knew what to do and what to say to calm the boy when angry, soothe him when despondent and lull him when having nightmares. He loved him more and better than anyone could, and he didn’t want anyone to get between that.

In Reiner’s eyes, Annie simply wasn’t the person for Bertholdt. What could she possibly offer him? What could an emotionless stone-face like her, that didn’t even want to acknowledge her relationship with him, offer him? She **doesn’t** deserve him.

_She’ll just end fucking him up one day. Worse than I could. If I have to get in the way to keep her away from him, even if it means Bertholdt hating me, so be it._

Reiner snuff and wiped his nose with a piece of toilet paper.

_Because even if he hates me, I’ll never abandon him. Even if it’s from a distance, I’ll be looking out for him. Because I love him._

He tried getting up, but his leg was killing him. He made so many frantic moves hours prior, his pulled muscle was just getting worse.

Bertholdt kept popping in his mind, and his heart clutched every time he did. He wanted to love and protect him so bad. He wanted to continue crying, but he was too debilitated—he had cried too much.

He flushed the toilet and washed his hands thoroughly. That’s when he heard the front door open. He perked up.

He walked as fast as he could towards the living room, in midst of his limping, and the sight shocked him.

A bloody, completely emotionless Bertholdt kicked the door shut and stood looking at the floor. He noticed Reiner and looked at him.

Reiner freaked out over the blood on his sleeve, and the dry blood that ran down his nose. There was also a hand mark on his right cheek.

“B-Bertholdt!” Reiner yelped. He bolted to him. “Holy shit, what happened?” His voice trembled in concern.

“I tried apologising to Annie.” He responded blankly. “Didn’t go well.”

Reiner’s eyes widened. “She did this to you?” He ran to grab a clean kitchen cloth and soaked it with water. He approached Bertholdt and gently wiped the blood off his nose.

“Bertl,” he cooed. “how could you let her do this to you?”

Bertholdt remained stationary.

“She only hit me in the nose.” He didn’t mention the two, well placed kicks that painfully forced the oxygen out of his lungs. “The wound on the arm I did myself.” He casually stated.

“But she loves you, right?” Reiner remarked sarcastically, as he gently wiped Bertholdt’s nostrils.

Bertholdt’s subsequent cold stare rendered him stiff. If looks could kill, Reiner would have dropped dead by now.

He slapped Reiner’s hands away from his face and snatched the cloth from him. He tended his injury on his own now.

“Yes.” Bertholdt replied. “She loves me.”

Reiner raised an eyebrow. “Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? How can she—“

“How can she love me when she hit me like this?” Bertholdt interjected. “Well, Reiner, she struck me precisely because she loves me. Because I fucking betrayed her trust. Not a difficult concept to understand.” He sniped, venom in his tone.

He walked towards the couch and sat on it, resting his legs on the coffee table.

“Reiner,” he called as he twisted the edge of the cloth and stuck it in one of his nostrils to clean up the blood. There was an expression of both disappointment and pain on his face. Mostly disappointment. “I have a question for you.”

Reiner quickly sat on the armchair across, ignoring the prior remark. “Anything.” He listened intently.

“How can someone...” Bertholdt stopped, lips quivering.

Despite having cried for most of the night, it appeared Bertholdt was still able to continue.

He pulled the cloth out and rested it on his lap. “How can someone...” his chest shuddered.

Reiner’s eyebrows furrowed in empathy and concern. He was about to change seats to be next to Bertholdt, but the boy stopped him.

“How can someone who claims to love you… deliberately ruin every relationship you build… how can someone who claims to love you” he snuff. “manipulate you like that?”

Reiner felt sick to his stomach. The reference was crystal clear.

“I can’t do this anymore, Reiner.” Bertholdt said.

Reiner’s heart sunk. He didn’t know what he meant by that, but he knew it wasn’t good. Bertholdt bore an expression of defeat. A clear expression of “ _I give up_.”

“B-Bertl, what do you mean?” his voice broke. He felt panic build up in his chest.

“This is too toxic.” he responded. “Tonight has enlightened me in ways you couldn’t imagine.”

Reiner bolted towards Bertholdt and sat next to him.

“Please tell me what you mean” his eyes stung.

Bertholdt sighed, hanging his head in defeat after half a minute of silence.

“I don’t blame you,” he offered a weak smile. “because I’ve done the same. I’ve manipulated you too, and I’ve deliberately hurt you too before.”

“Reiner,” he held his hand. “I’m in love with you.”

Reiner perked up, his mouth hung, tears forming in his eyes.

“I always have been.” Bertholdt’s jaw quivered. “But I give up.”

“Because you took it too far. I was toxic, I admit it. I manipulated you, I admit it. I did things so you focused only on me, but I never tried to ruin a relationship that had the potential to make you happy.”

Reiner’s hands trembled, his breathing increasing.

“Annie loved me in her own way.” He lamented. “She was opening up to me. She was exposing herself—being vulnerable for me. She was changing. I had the potential to change her, and she had the potential to change **_me_**. While you wanted to protect me for being weak, she wanted to help me **grow**. She wanted to help me be more assertive. While you took me under your wing, protecting me and isolating me from the world, she wanted to nurture me and exploit the potential she believed I had.” Bertholdt’s chest shuddered.

Reiner’s expression was utterly heartbreaking. Bertholdt only whimpered more over the sight. He cupped Reiner’s cheeks.

“And I don’t blame you.” He whimpered sympathetically. “I know you had my best interests at heart.” He gasped for air. “But when you lie to me, you betray me.”

“B-Bertl, if you give me a minute to ex—“ Bertholdt rested his forehead against Reiner’s, interrupting him, and shook his head.

“No.” Bertholdt whispered. “It’s your turn to listen, Reiner.”

In this moment, the roles were reversed. While on their last confrontation Reiner was the one to say it all, this wasn't the case tonight. Tonight, Bertholdt wouldn’t allow that.

“There is so much I want to say to you. There is a lot I want to thank you for, but there’s also a lot I want to yell at you for. But that’s not going to happen tonight, or this week, or this month. I don’t know when it will. Because I’m going to get Annie back first. I’m going to make amends and fix my relationship with her.”

He placed his hand behind Reiner’s head, and stroked it; his forehead still pressed against Reiner’s.

“And there’s nothing you can do about it. There’s nothing you can do to interfere—because as far as I’m concerned, you’re in second place now.” It’s clear that what he was saying was killing him, but he was determined.

Reiner’s chest shuddered three times, and with that, he started bawling.

_This is it. I’ve really lost him. I’ve lost him._

“B-Bertholdt, I know I fucked up, I know that kissing you was wrong!" he attempted to justify himself, speaking so hastily his words were barely coherent. "But I-I swear I was planning on confessing tonight anyway, it had nothing to do with you being in a relationship!” Bertholdt kept stroking his head gently. "I wasn't thinking clearly, it's just something I had to get off my chest!"

Bertholdt continued stroking him, making Reiner halt his hurried babbling.

Reiner sighed, soothed at the gesture. “Are you going to leave me?” he was absolutely shaken.

“Reiner.” Bertholdt repositioned himself. “You have Krista. I now realise I have Ymir.”

“I-I don’t understand” Reiner muttered.

“I mean that you have Krista to support you, and she’ll always have your side. That’s who Ymir was for me tonight.”

Reiner was still confused.

“Ymir chased me after I left their house. She forced me to tell her everything, and she gave me a painful reality check.” He smiled weakly and rubbed the back of his neck. “T-that’s what explains the red mark on my cheek.”

Reiner still didn’t understand what his point was.

“Do you want to know what she told me?”

Reiner nodded, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.

“What happened after Annie left, when we had sex. I told her how it happened. And she called it rape.”

Reiner gasped and his eyes widened. Did Ymir really just imply he was a rapist?

“After that, she took it back almost immediately and defined it more as dubious consent, or emotional manipulation.”

Bertholdt brought his legs up to his chest. He felt like a total wreck.

“S-she said that I forced you to have sex!?” Reiner asked, absolutely flabbergasted. "What!?"

“I was too weak to say no. And I did want it, just not in that moment, not in that way. I was too weak to say no, so I just gave in. But she said that was irrelevant, that you should have known better.” Bertholdt offered a weak smile. “After all, I’m tiny, weak-willed Bertholdt, while you’re the strong, gregarious Reiner.”

Reiner was speechless and didn’t know how to react. Did Bertholdt consider him a rapist? What the fuck.

“Bertholdt,” his voice was both anxious and full of panic. “I-I didn’t think I was forcing you to do anything, I-I just wanted to make you feel better! The way you groped me on the couch, I could have sworn you w-wanted it too!” Reiner spoke speedily, in absolute panic, sobbing between each sentence. "Bertholdt, I'm not a rapist!" He placed his hands on Bertholdt's shoulders, shaking them rigorously. "I'm not a rapist!"

“I know!” Bertholdt comforted him immediately, cupping his neck. “I just need to let you know everything that’s helped me make this decision.” He let go off his neck once the hysterical boy calmed down. He lay his chin on his knees.

“Ymir said you’re too blinded in your rush of wanting to love me, so you do things without thinking. Tonight was an example. She said that in your eyes, you were probably trying to make me forget. She said it’s also my fault for being too weak-willed, but that you were the one to take advantage of the situation.”

Bertholdt pursed his lips.

Reiner whimpered. "I didn't realise I was, I really didn't!" he tried to defend himself.

Bertholdt rose a hand, halting Reiner. “She said I wasn’t without fault because of how I made you feel like shit sometimes, making you think something was wrong and acting like you were nothing.” He chuckled. “How I made you agonise, she called it. It’s funny because I never told her anything. She just noticed, I guess. She’s another person that cared about me and noticed me, apparently. I just didn’t realise how much she cared because of how immersed I was with you.”

Bertholdt looked at the ceiling.

“She made me realise how fucked up we really are, Reiner.”

He faced Reiner now.

“And that’s why I’m leaving. Not forever. But for a while, until I get help and fix things” He straightened up. “Until I make things right.” His new determination fought to overshadow the immense ache overcoming his heart.

He held Reiner’s cheek.  

“And if I mean anything to you, I expect you to do the same. Get help. Sort yourself out. It’s time for us to grow up, Reiner. We have taken things too far.” His cheeks were fresh with tears. “We’re almost going to start college. I don’t want to be a total fuck up when that happens.”

He broke the distance between them, his free hand now placed on Reiner’s shoulder. He stroke Reiner’s cheek with his thumb, and leaned in to kiss him softly—deep gentleness and love embedded in the gesture. Reiner was too shocked to return the kiss.

Bertholdt deepened the kiss, tempted to slide in his tongue and caress Reiner's body. He wanted and desired the boy right now, but it wasn’t the appropriate moment and time. Because if he had him right there, he knew he wouldn’t be able to go back. He pulled back.

“I really do love you, Reiner.” he looked at his lips. “And I wish you had confessed under different circumstances.” He sighed in defeat. “Or that I hadn’t been too fucking weak and cowardly, so I could have confessed ages ago.”

He placed a final kiss on his lips before he stood up.

“I’ll be staying at Eren’s, starting from next week.”

Reiner was starting to digest everything Bertholdt had just spoken. And yet, he couldn’t address any of it because it was clear Bertholdt was the one wanting to talk. He didn’t want Reiner to respond to anything—his sole purpose was to inform. Nothing else.

“Where are you going now?” Reiner cooed.

“I’m going to gather some of my things.” He threw the bloody cloth on the counter. “And I’ll do something you said tonight.” He frowned. “I’ll go back to Annie like a stray dog.”

Reiner blinked.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, probably.”

Reiner was about to speak up when he realised Bertholdt wasn’t in the room anymore.

Yeah. He has really lost him.


	19. The x First x Week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS. ALMOST 100 KUDOS!!??!?! WTFFF. I know it's extremely common for these fan-fictions to have a lot of kudos, but frankly, I never expected my story to be among them. When I started writing this, without any plot in mind and out of the blue, last week; I never imagined I'd actually get active readers, haha. I dunno, it just means a lot to me c:
> 
> Thank you to those of you who actively read this, comment etc etc ^^ <3 I do this for youuuu  
>  
> 
> I'VE HAD A SEVERE CASE OF WRITER'S BLOCK FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS, AND THIS CHAPTER IS THE OUTCOME :( I just wrote this in like 30m cause I couldn't come up with anything else. I'm sorry if it's not good or exciting, but I guess its calmness can be refreshing, given how emotional the last couple of chapters have been.

Reiner stared at the laundry basket, momentarily forgetting how the process of washing sheets went.

He continued staring.

He took a dirty sheet out of the basket and cried into it.

He felt alone. He felt so alone. His phone was imploding with WhatsApp notifications and missed phone calls, and yet he felt alone and utterly unwanted. All he wanted right now was to share his Saturday morning with Bertholdt, as they usually did. But that’s out of the question, because Reiner isn’t Bertholdt’s priority anymore.

The thought alone was eating him alive. What was he supposed to do now? Hit the gym until he dropped dead? He’s tempted to slip into old habits and party, drink and sleep with whomever he could find. But he crystallised himself, so the temptation couldn’t get to him. If he fell back into those habits, even if only for one night, it would be a dishonour of Bertholdt’s wishes. He couldn’t allow this to happen.

No, what he needed to do was get his life together. While he waited for college to draw near, he needed to keep himself occupied. He was determined to, because there’s no way he was going to lose Bertholdt. He’ll address his issues and get better, but before he did, he wanted to mourn. He wanted to hurt, mourn and cry. He needed to drain all the pain off his system before he devised a plan to get his life together.

At this point, he’s not sure if Bertholdt cares about him. He hasn’t initiated contact at all, and the few times Reiner has chatted him, there's been no response.

Bertholdt was so determined to get away from Reiner and fix his relationship with Annie, that Reiner ceased to exist. He rewired himself and stopped caring—this is what Reiner believed in his heart.

This was a lie.

While Reiner softly cried into the dirty sheet, Bertholdt was five and a half miles away, sobbing even harder on Ymir’s lap. He was weeping so loudly, the people gathered in the living room weren’t able to enjoy themselves. His whimpering wasn’t expected when they arrived in plans of hanging out.

“M-maybe we should head somewhere else?” Belanor suggested reluctantly. He felt incredibly uncomfortable right now.

“I’d like to,” Jean’s tone had a mixture of boredom and impotence. “but, for some reason, it just doesn’t feel right.”

Belanor rose a brow in confusion. “Why?”

“I don’t know, dude.” Jean responded casually. “Maybe because one of our own is upstairs crying his ass off because his only chance at happiness was shat on.” His response sounded snide, but that wasn’t the intention.

Belanor stretched his legs and exhaled in exasperation, covering his face as he did so.

The ambiance was awkward and silent. The only sound that could be heard, even if not that audibly, was Bertholdt’s weeping, and a coughing fit every now and then—presumably from choking on his own saliva due to crying so intensely.

“Dude’s lungs really are something. We should get him to hit a bong.” Jean jested.

Sasha, seated on the couch across his, kicked his shin.

He jolted. “What the fuck was that for?”

“That’s not funny. He’s in pain, don’t make a joke out of it.” She scolded.

Mikasa looked bored, seated beside Belanor, whose arms were crossed, observing the situation.

“What am I supposed to do?” he reproached. “We’re all sitting here doing jack squat because he’s up there crying to Ymir. Why do we have to sit around doing nothing, lamenting with him?”

“Didn’t you just say it’d feel wrong to leave?” Eren sniped condescendingly.  
  
Jean creased his eyebrows. “I didn’t say we had to leave, shitbag. Just do something, watch a film or whatever.”

Belanor interjected. “Here? While Bertl’s sobbing can be heard from ten blocks away?” he exaggerated.

Sasha looked at the floor, feeling an indescribable emptiness. Bertholdt was suffering, and everyone was eager to leave, appearing completely unmoved by their friend’s grief. Rather than expressing any sort of sympathy, they were just arguing over how annoying the situation was, because “Bertholdt was crying too much.” This shattered her heart.

“Gah,” Jean expressed in exasperation. “why are the walls in this house so thin!?” he complained. The crying, even if not that audible, was starting to get under his skin.

“Bro,” Eren drew Jean’s attention, no amicability in his tone. “why did you bother coming, to begin with? You knew Bertholdt was going to be here.”

“Maybe because I didn’t expect the kid to perform a concerto of tears.” He chuckled.

Sasha kicked his shin again, harder than the last time.

“Seriously, Sasha, what the shit?” he exclaimed. He rubbed his shin. “You fuck.”

“Could you not be so insensitive!? If it annoys you so much to hear he’s in pain, you can just leave.”

“It’s called a joke.”

They didn’t notice the crying had ceased.

Belanor whispered something in Mikasa’s ear, making her nod as she held her red scarf to her mouth.

“Well, guys,” he interrupted. “we’re heading out.”

Eren crossed his arms, squinting at them.

He held Mikasa’s hand and headed for the door. “See you guys around.” He offered a polite smile and opened it for her.

The door closed.

Two minutes in absolute silence passed.

“Honestly,” Eren stood up. “there’s no point in staying here. Ymir and Krista are the ones with him anyway, so being here is just a waste of time. Listening to him weep isn’t going to change anything.” His tone was both calm and forthright. “This is something he has to deal with on his own. He brought it upon himself anyway.” He dusted his pants off. “Let’s go, Armin.”

Eren did a superb job at masquerading how much Bertholdt's crying affected him at an emotional level. He wanted to stay, but he lacked the courage to go to Bertholdt and comfort him one-on-one. He formulated a different plan of his own. Armin, too, wanted to stay. To him, what Eren said was true—staying here wouldn’t make a difference. And yet, he agreed with Jean. It felt wrong to leave. He hates feeling impotent, unable to help someone he cares about.

But he gave in.

“O-okay...” he responded hesitantly.

Eren directed himself to Jean. “You coming or staying?”

Jean pondered for a full minute, while Eren waited patiently and Armin gathered his things.

“Come on, I don’t have all day.” Eren hurried.

Jean felt bad, but he was too bored to care.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Armin kissed Sasha’s cheek to say goodbye. She hugged him.

Eren waved at Sasha and smiled. “See ya, call us in case anything comes up.”

And just like that, Sasha was left alone, sitting on the couch.

* * *

The afternoon was dull and grey; the thickness in the air suggested rain.

And Reiner was feeling okay.

He was in bed, wrapped in a blanket, a mug of hot chocolate, releasing steam, on his night table. He was watching “ _How I Met Your Mother_.”

His eyes were puffy and tired from crying, but he let out a laugh or two every now and then. The show and atmosphere were cheering him up. Normally, the absence of Bertholdt plus a grey, soon-to-be-rainy day would depress him, but today was an exception. And quite surprisingly so. He thought he’d be dysfunctional over the reason Bertholdt was nowhere to be seen, but he felt at strange ease. The morning was hell, but the more hours that passed, the more the pain was relieved.

He was pondering whether to order something. He had leftover lasagna and French fries for lunch, so he wasn’t hungry. However, he was probably going to pull an all-nighter, so depression food might hit the spot by then.

He grabbed his mug and sipped the elixir from the Gods. He released a sigh of satisfaction. _Fucking beautiful._ He loved hot chocolate, it was his and Bertholdt’s favourite drink.

He started shivering. He placed the mug back on the night table, and repositioned his blanket. It was now wrapping him from head to toe.  

He laughed over one of Barney’s famous “ _legendary_ ” catchphrase scenes.  

He wiggled his toes and imagined Armin wrapping himself in his futon during winter. It was always an adorable sight.

His mind wandered back to Bertholdt. What was he doing right now? Was he with Annie? How was he feeling? Was he okay? Reiner wanted him to be okay. This last week had been so sudden and painful—the scare of nearly losing Bertholdt gave him a huge wake-up call, and suddenly, his love towards the boy was becoming more selfless. Reiner was mostly in pain, but that’s okay. Because that night, the night Bertholdt announced he was leaving, he looked more determined than sad. That had to mean he was fine, right?

He wasn’t. He was devastated, more because of Reiner than Annie—but Reiner didn’t know this.

_It’s alright, Bertl. I’m going to get better. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to be best friends anymore after this. It doesn’t matter, because I’ll still change—I’ll still get help. I’ll try to rebuild my life. For you._

* * *

**Eren (18:04 P.M.):  
** _Wanna come over?_

Annie had been staring at that message for at least three minutes now. She just got off work, and was about to head home. Hanging out with someone right now wasn’t in her plans; she just wanted to get home and watch Tokyo Ghoul.

 **Annie Leonhardt (18:08 P.M.):  
** _??? Why bother asking? You know I’m going to say no. I’m not going anywhere near Berthfuck. Lol._

She opened the Uber app and was about to solicit a ride, but her phone vibrated. Eren had responded. And almost immediately, too.

 **Eren (18:08 P.M.):  
** _I’m not retarded lol.. he’s not with me right now. He’s actually at your house ;) but you’re free to say no and go home anyway :P_

 **Eren (18:09 P.M.):  
** _It’s not like I don’t have anyone else to hang out with :D_

Annie almost smiled over Eren’s sassiness.

 **Annie Leonhardt (18:10 P.M.):  
** _Gross. I guess I’m forced to go to your place, then. But if this is a ploy and Bertholdt is actually there, I’ll roundhouse kick your face_

 **Annie Leonhardt (18:10 P.M.):  
** _And if Mikasa tries to interfere, I’ll roundhouse kick her too_

Unbeknownst to Annie, this actually made Eren crack up.

 **Eren (18:11 P.M.):  
** _Lel chillax, he’s not here.. I’m not suicidal :P welp I’d offer a ride but tbh I’m lazy cause I just got home.. so I take it you’ll grab an uber_

 **Annie Leonhardt (18:11):  
** _Much wow. Much chivalry._

 **Eren (18:12 P.M.):  
**_Memes? I didn’t think you were the type of girl to be up to date with memes_.

 **Eren (18:12 P.M.):  
** _And I didn’t take you to be the type of girl who was into chivalry either?? Looks like I was wrong.. How disappointing :P_

 **Annie Leonhardt (18:13 P.M.):  
** _Shut it. I’ll let you know when I get there._

 **Eren (18:13 P.M.):  
** _Righttt. See ya then :))_

Annie solicited and waited for the uber to arrive. Eren better not be tricking her into meeting up with Bertholdt—otherwise, she’ll have to roundhouse kick **_a lot_** of people.


	20. Necessary Insolence x And x Unexpected Mediator

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before reading this chapter, I think it's important to refresh your memory with a bit from previous chapters:
> 
> 1\. Fragment of Eren's description: "A hot-headed boy, who has a great sense of justice. He’s protective, his friends mean everything, and he would always defend them militantly."  
> The importance: "protective" and "defend[s] [his friends] militantly"
> 
> 2\. Describing Reiner's possessiveness when Bertl made new friends, and Annie's intervention: "He simply found a new friend, but to Reiner, this was unacceptable… until Annie literally slapped some sense into him."
> 
> It's important to keep that in mind while reading this.
> 
> Now, the reason for this chapter:
> 
> I see most readers (who comment) sympathise with Bertl greatly, while condemning Reiner. This is only natural and expected. What I don't see is anyone commenting on Annie's behaviour: how she ignored Bertl, acted cold and distant even after forming a relationship. But mostly, I haven't seen anyone reprimand her on how she physically injured Bertholdt. To me, this is unacceptable behaviour. While Annie is a victim of Reiner's actions, she is *NOT* without fault throughout the fic. While she might seem like the *least* broken character from the trio (and she is), she is *still* broken. Just in a different way from Bertl and Reiner. Now, her behaviour in general (including time skips) is addressed here, by an unexpected mediator, as the title suggests.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter <3 :)

Annie knocked on the door for the second time.

“Coming!” a voice from the inside responded.

The door was opened.

“Hey.” Eren greeted her with a smile.

Annie didn’t return the gesture.

“Hey.” She walked in.

Eren was extremely nervous. He was scared that his plan was going to back-fire, but he had to do it. It was necessary.

“You want anything to drink? I just brewed a pot of coffee.” Eren grabbed a Monster drink from the fridge and cracked it open.

Annie sat on the couch and looked around.

“Yeah, I’ll have some coffee.” This was awkward. “Is Armin here?”

“Nope. He’s in his German course.”

Liar.

Eren sipped. He avoided eye contact, and his body language suggested nervousness. Annie noticed this, but chose to ignore it.

She couldn’t help but wonder about his intentions. The house all for themselves, plus him acting weird. Strange.

Eren’s heart was a formula one race car right now. He took a deep breath.

“Is something wrong?” Annie asked.

He straightened up.

“Just a minute. I almost forgot your drink.” He grabbed a mug and poured coffee in it. He added and stirred the cream.

“Sugar?” he asked, his back to Annie.

“Two teaspoons.” She replied.

Eren closed his eyes and took a deep breath again. He walked towards Annie and handed her the mug. He sat across her.

“Thanks.”

Eren held his hands together and twiddled his fingers, looking at the floor.

Annie was getting suspicious.

“Annie.” Eren called.

“Hm?”

“I’ll cut to the chase.” His tone was forthright. “I want to talk about Bertholdt.”

Annie’s eyes sunk, trademark stone face materialising. She placed the mug on the coffee table and stood up, ready to leave.

Eren held her arm. “Wait.”

“Let go off me or I’ll kick you.” She demanded.

Eren’s stare turned cold.

“Why do you have to be so violent?” He tried to sound as odious as he could.

Annie raised a brow.

“Like, who do you think you are? Just going around threatening to hit people when they do something you don’t like?” He let go off her arm.

“You waste a lot of time watching anime and doing nothing, so surely you have some spare time to gift someone, for at least ten minutes.”

His insolence was getting under her skin, but she chose to give him a chance.

“What is it?” she looked at him coldly.

 “I’ll risk getting kicked, or struck in the nose.” He started. “You’re being a bitch to Bertholdt.”

Annie’s eyes widened. Who the fuck does this kid think he is? She’d strike him right in the face, but it would only reinforce his point.

“So, he cheated on me, but I’m the bitch?” she asked rhetorically.

“No. He’s suffering right now because of it, and that’s his fault. But I’m sure there are underlying reasons. You’re acting like he’s some vile scum when he’s probably got the purest heart out of all of us, right next to Armin and Marco.” He glared at her.

“You’ve always been pretty shitty towards him. I won’t lie—I don’t condone cheating, but I can’t say I blame him.” He wasn’t even scared or nervous at this point. If Eren had something to say, he’d say it. He doesn’t give a shit if he hurts someone’s feelings. This is what gave him his hotheaded image, when for him, he was only being fair.

Annie clenched her fists furiously.

“I’m not justifying him, but I’m pretty sure there’s a context behind him and Reiner kissing. There’s a piece of the puzzle we’re missing. But regardless of whatever the piece is, it doesn’t justify his cheating.”

“Did you really make me come all the way over here to tell me I’ve been shitty towards him and you don’t blame him?” she stated, worked up.

Eren looked at her as if she were dumb. This only served to agitate her further.

“You missed the part where I said I don’t condone or justify it, and that his suffering is his fault.” He hissed. “But no, that’s not what I made you come here for. If you had an ounce of patience, you’d realise that.”

“What I wanted to tell you” he sighed “is that you’re not any better.” He sat back down. “You hitting him and humiliating him like that in public, in front of all of us? Like what the fuck, Annie. That’s so low.”

She wanted to cry.

“I’m only doing all of this because I care about our group. And Bertholdt is an important part of that group—even if he doesn’t realise it. Without him, the group isn’t the same. If he’s not there, neither will Reiner. If Reiner isn’t there, Krista will be depressed, and we won’t have the big brother of the group. The group will crumble. You catch my drift?”

“Eren, what’s your point?” she asked, her tone and expression were more relaxed, though still frustrated. She felt disrespected. No one had ever confronted her before.

“My point is that you should let him apologise. You should stop ignoring him, and talk things out. He’s always been caring and thoughtful towards you, no matter how much you stepped on him. Just because he fucked up this one time doesn’t mean you should make him feel fucking worthless.” He creased his eyebrows. “You’re not perfect.”

She didn’t know what to say.

“You love him” his expression softened. “Don’t you?”

She didn’t respond, but Eren already knew the answer to that question.

“So, be selfless. Because that's what love is about."

He took another sip from his drink and looked at the floor.

"I’m not telling you to get back with him. I’m just suggesting you talk things out and let him explain himself—he’s earned that right.” Eren stood up and stretched his arms.

“That’s all I had to say. I won’t let you hit me, though.” He pointed at her. “I’ll call Mikasa and have her fight you.” He crossed his arms proudly and smiled smugly.

Annie’s eyes watered, and Eren’s smile faded at the sight.

“Shit” he said softly. “I didn’t think you were capable of crying.” He said, despite the fact he saw her cry when Bertholdt tried to embrace her. He didn’t mean to pour salt on her wounds, but this was Eren. He was dumb and blunt.

“The one time” she tried to hold the tears back. “The one and only time I opened up to someone, I got hurt.” She looked at him in the eye.

Eren opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

“I don’t want to talk to him.” She said softly. “I’m not ready.”

“Well” Eren scratched his temple. “Then tell him that, to at least give him peace of mind.”

She looked confused.

“Tell him you’re not ready for a confrontation right now, and shit, at least apologise for humiliating him like that.” His tone was somewhat humorous. “Just tell him that and let him know you’ll contact him when you’re ready. That should ease things up.”

Apologising wasn’t Annie’s forte. She had never apologised to anyone before, why should she start with the person who betrayed her trust? He should be the one apologising. And yet, how was he supposed to? Annie didn’t give him the chance to meet up, much less apologise. A part of her was furious over Eren’s insolence, but she was so wounded she didn’t realise she **_probably_** shouldn’t have beaten Bertholdt up like that.

She really isn’t ready to face him. They’ll have to, eventually, of course. And when they do, she wants to appear cold and unemotional—completely unfazed. She knows this will hurt him further. If they confront each other **_now_** , she’ll cry and crumble. She doesn’t want to do that. She doesn’t want to be weak in front of him anymore. He betrayed her, and that hurt more than anything she had ever felt before.

But could Eren be right? Could there be underlying reasons? Is there a possibility that something deeper was happening, and she simply caught him in the most unfortunate moment?

If that was the case, then she wouldn’t have a target for her rage anymore. But then, why didn’t he run after her? If there really was an underlying reason, perhaps Bertholdt fighting back, why didn’t he chase her?

She hadn’t put thought into this, but could it be possible that the real target for her rage was Reiner? She despised him right now, but only because he’s the one Bertholdt was kissing. She didn’t exactly place the blame on him, or think he coerced Bertholdt in any way.

But what if he did? Reiner’s always been obsessive about Bertholdt. She once had to slap sense into him because he’d get furious anytime someone got close to him.

She was about to gasp, but she was shaken off her thoughts. Eren was shaking her shoulders.

“What?” she asked.

“I’ve been talking to you for the last minute, but you wandered into the nebula. You okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking.”

“Look, I’m sorry for calling you a… yeah. Just, I’m kinda blunt and don’t think things through." He thought of Mikasa.

"But I still think you’re being unfair. Can you try to make up with him? For the sake of the group? This doesn’t affect only you guys. It affects all of us.” He begged.

Annie felt numb.

“Okay.” She replied.

He grabbed the can of Monster and threw it in the trash. He walked up to the sink and washed his hands.

“Eren.” She called softly.

“Yeah?”

“What’s it like to live with Bertholdt?”

She couldn’t help asking this. Every time they hung out at his apartment, his room was impeccable. He organised things in the fridge perfectly, and he’d randomly start tiding up things when they talked. He also groomed himself a lot. He was so clean, it always warmed her heart. She wanted to cry from the memory.

Eren smiled. “He’s cool. Cleans a lot. Reads a lot.” He looked up and tapped his chin. “Cooks really well. He’s funny, too.” He made eye contact. “He’s a great guy, Annie.” He said softly.

“I know.”

There was silence, but unlike before, it wasn’t awkward.

“I’m going home.” She broke the silence.

Eren perked up. “Really? Shit, I didn’t expect you to confront him so quickly.”

She threw a cushion at him. He caught it with ease.

“I’m not going to. Not now. I’m just gonna watch anime and do nothing.” She replicated his words. “I’m tired any—“

In what felt like a fraction of a second, Annie felt arms wrapped around her before she could continue her sentence.

Her eyes widened, but a couple of seconds later she gave in and returned the hug.

“You’re great, Annie. And Bertl can see it, that’s why he’s always been so insistent when it comes to you. But it’d be nice if you opened up a little more to us.” He rested his chin on her head. “We’re your friends and care too.”

Her grip on the hug tightened, and her eyes stung.

He kissed her head.

“Come on, I’ll give you a ride.”


	21. Ymir x The x Goddess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a long chapter O.O 
> 
> WTF YOU GUYS WE MADE IT TO 100 KUDOS. LIKE, YEAH, IT'S NOT RARE FOR THESE FICS TO HAVE SO MANY, BUT COME ON, LET ME HAVE THIS. I never thought my disorganised, unplanned story would be among them!
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter <3 the angst is over. It's time to heal. :)

Bertholdt was close to dozing off again due to the soft, delicate hand stroking his head. He had been crying for a good portion of the afternoon, and now he was exhausted. He wanted to sleep for the remainder of the day, now almost night. He opened his eyes and looked up at, whom he considered to be his saviour, Ymir.

He smiled weakly at her and closed his eyes.

She didn’t return the gesture, but her heart warmed at the sight.

Krista had gone out to meet up with Reiner, with the pretext of bringing snacks from the bakery. Ymir knew it was a lie, but she chose to humour her anyway.

Her legs were starting to go numb.

“Bertholdt” she held up his head. “Get off my lap, I need to stretch.”

Bertholdt, barely conscious, apologised.

“S-sorry.” He moved his head away and sat up. He rubbed his puffy eyes.

Ymir stood up and stretched. Bertholdt sat cross-legged, elbow resting on his thigh. He leaned on his right hand and observed her.

Soft, delicate features gilt her face, she had a limber figure and was somewhat tall. He liked the way she looked.

“Ymir” Bertholdt drew her attention.

“What?” she squatted three times. Her legs felt better now.

He smiled at her. “Let me take you out for dinner.”

She straightened up and a flush threatened to tinge her cheeks.

“What?” she asked again, puzzled.

“Let me take you out for dinner.” He repeated himself.

She didn’t know what he meant.

“Uh” she tried to think of an answer. “Why?”

He held his hands. “I don’t know. As a token of gratitude.”

“Meh.” She shrugged. “Don’t think too much of it. I’m just doing it because I’m bored.” She looked at him smugly. She knew he knew she was full of shit.

“Yeah, I get you, I get you.” He held his hands behind his head. “I like for people to cry on my lap when I’m bored too.” The smile he gave her, plus his puffy, red eyes, made for a comically adorable sight.

“No, but really.” Bertholdt leaned and rested both arms on his legs now. “Why?”

She sat on the computer chair. “Why what?” She started spinning.

“Why are you doing all of this?” he asked. “You’ve never shown much concern before.”

“Hm” she muttered. “Why indeed.”

_Because I know what it’s like to feel alone and manipulated._

She grabbed a pen from the desk and started clicking it, and continued spinning on the chair.

He waited for a reply.

“I don’t know.” Her answer was honest. “I guess I just felt bad. You always have a sad look on your face.” She stopped spinning and looked at him, still clicking the pen.

“I suppose I’m also doing it for the group; so you don’t leave. Permanently, at least.”

“The group?”

“Our group of friends. You’re a pretty big deal, so if you leave, we’ll be one member down. Your loss will cause another loss. You don’t have to be a genius to know who I’m talking about.” She stopped clicking the pen. “That would make two people down. The group wouldn’t be the same.”

This was, in essence, what Eren had told Annie as well. After the night Bertholdt barged into the house and almost brought down Annie’s door, she was forced to explain everything that had happened. Since they were there to experience the whole ordeal, she felt the least she could do was tell them. Naturally, this required strong persuasion from Ymir and Krista, but she gave in and told them everything.

Since then, the group hadn’t been the same. Annie, Bertholdt and Reiner were out of the equation. While Annie and Bertholdt signified a loss, it wasn’t unbearable. However, Reiner’s was hefty, and marked a huge difference in the group. This was when Eren and Ymir realised that if Bertholdt was gone, Reiner would be as well. Being the big brother figure, his loss wasn’t something they could stand.

“I can always be replaced, though.” Bertholdt responded quietly.

“Maybe you can.” She crossed her arms. “But not Reiner.”

This stung. As usual, Bertholdt was nothing more than Reiner’s shadow. The only reason they wanted to keep him was because of Reiner. Nothing more.

His expression stirred up something in Ymir. She frowned in sympathy.

“I was kidding.” She offered a chuckle. Bertholdt straightened up.

“Someone new could come along” she explained “but that doesn’t mean you could be fully replaced.”

Before she could continue, he interjected.

“No, it’s okay. I know I’m disposable. I’ve always been invisible, so it’s not surprising that I could be easily replaced. It just stings anyway, that’s all.” He smiled weakly. “Reiner’s always had a strong presence, so I understand how his case is different.”

“Bertholdt.” She moved closer to him. “We’ve had this little group of friends since middle school. Even if someone new comes along, it wouldn’t be the same.” She explained, in hopes he’d get the point.

He looked utterly confused, expecting her to continue.

She sighed and hung her head in defeat. “Let me phrase this in a way you’ll understand.”

“We’ve all known each other since junior high, and we’ve been inseparable since then. Belanor came along, but he’s a different story. He’s pretty awesome, but if he left, it wouldn’t be that bad because he’s someone new who came along. He hasn’t been with us from the beginning. So, just for this example, take him out of the equation.” She moved to the bed and sat next to him. “Think of our group as a spider.”

“We’re eleven. Armin, Annie, you, Reiner, Eren, Mikasa, Krista, Jean, Marco, Sasha, and me. Take Reiner, Krista and Eren. They’re the most outgoing ones, and if they come up with an idea, the rest of us follow. So, you could sort of say they’re the head of the spider. We follow them, so we could be considered the legs. Eight legs.”

Bertholdt looked at her intently, nodding. Eight exact legs. He was surprised at how mathematically accurate the metaphor was.

“Natural law dictates that the legs follow the head. That’s a chain of command, and it’s how it usually goes. If Reiner, Eren or Krista get bored somewhere, and they suggest doing something else, it’s rare for any of us to disagree. We just say ‘ _sure, let’s go_.’, right?”

“Uh-huh“ he muttered.

“If the spider loses a leg, it can grow one back. But it will grow shorter and weaker than the original one, meaning that the replacement can hardly be better or as good as the original. That’s you.” She poked his shoulder. “And the chain of command can, too, be broken. There might come a time in which a leg will have more importance than the head, or, in other words, the head might crumble without said leg.”

“If you leave, Reiner leaves. This would alter the order of the group, weakening it; and eventually, we’d all go our separate ways. One person would make another leave, and the loss of that person would make another change, until interest is lost and everyone leaves.”

Ymir rested her head on his shoulder.

“I don’t want the group to separate. I don’t want anyone to leave, or be replaced.” She yawned. “Eren and I talked about it, and he feels the same way. We’ll do anything to keep it together. We’re all friends, so we should have each other’s backs.”

Bertholdt chuckled, and the chuckle bloomed into a laugh.

“Huh?”

“Nothing. Just… that metaphor really was something.” He grinned at her.

She poked his head back. “Shut it.”

“Still, though.” His tone was sad. “It kinda hurts that I’m only important because Reiner’s my friend.”

“Look” Ymir chose her words in a fashion which didn’t hurt his feelings, but also spoke the truth. “You’ve always been shy, and you don’t actively participate in conversations. You do sometimes, but not enough. It’s only natural that your lack of presence wouldn’t be that noticeable.”

“But you still matter. Maybe you’re not that important to others like Mikasa and Jean, but Reiner’s not the only one who cares. Krista does, so do Eren and Armin.”

Bertholdt straightened up. “Eren cares?”

It was only natural for Bertholdt to ask this. He and Eren didn’t speak a lot, so to hear that he cared about him was shocking. He sought empirical evidence to support this statement in his memories, but he couldn’t find any which was significant. This is only because he didn’t know of the many times Eren intervened in a situation to make Bertholdt relevant. When planning camping trips, or hang-outs at certain bars with Armin or Jean, sometimes he’d refuse specific suggestions because “ _Bertholdt doesn’t like loud music_ ” or “ _It’s too sunny and Bertholdt’s skin is sensitive_.” When he tried a vegetarian diet and they’d plan to have brunch or dinner in a restaurant, Eren would quickly research on his phone and refuse if he disapproved, saying that “ _there were no good vegetarian options_.”

Bertholdt didn’t know of these small details. He also didn’t know that, right now, Eren was taking Annie home after confronting her about the current situation, persuading her to make things right with Bertholdt.

He didn’t know that, to Eren, it didn’t matter if he was or wasn’t as close to him as he was with Armin—he was one of them, and that was enough to defend him militantly, or involve him in situations, even if Bertholdt didn’t know about it.

“Yeah, he does.” Ymir responded slowly, looking at him as if he were dumb. “Is your self-esteem so low that you really believe nobody cares about you?” she asked, both patronisingly and sincerely.

_Someone’s been a pretty decisive factor in that…_

“I-I guess.”

She slapped the back of his head.

“Well, quit playing victim and pitying yourself. You’re cared for.”

He smiled fondly. He turned and hugged her tightly.

“S-stop that. It’s weird.” She tapped his shoulder.

He didn’t let go.

“I still want to take you out for dinner.”

His pitiful low self-esteem and childish, innocent demeanor moved her. How could such a tall, well-built, and smart guy, with looks to match, be so pathetic? How could he be so pathetically reticent? It was annoying to see so much squandered potential.

She pushed him away from her and slapped his face, though not hard enough to inflict pain.

His eyes widened, expression flabbergasted.

“W-what was that for?” he held his cheek, even though it didn’t hurt.

“You need to change.” She demanded. “You can’t live your life like a dog, tail between its legs. I don’t care if you had a tough childhood—lots of people have and still moved forward, some without guidance.”

His hair was on the way, so she brushed it back with her fingers.

“You said it hurt to be relevant because of Reiner, right?”

He stared.

“So, make a name for yourself. Change. Become more assertive and involve yourself, starting with our group. You have people to help and guide you, so make use of it.” Her tone was stern, but it’s clear it was also meant to be encouraging.

His eyes watered, for some reason.

“Whatever happened to you in your childhood to make you like this—you have to outgrow it. If you hate yourself so much that you can’t change for your own sake, then let’s use someone else as motivation.”

She cupped his cheeks. “Do you love Reiner?”

Bertholdt stared at her with widened, glassy eyes.

“Do you?” she asked again.

He blinked and held his eyes shut for five seconds.

He opened them again.

“Yes.” He answered quietly.

“Are you in love with Reiner?” she asked.

Tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to be with Reiner?”

He swallowed.

“Yes.”

“Then get away from him, and get your life together. That will give him a chance to straighten himself out too. Drain and flush the toxicity—and then, you’ll be able to find your happiness. With him, if all goes well.” She looked at him reassuringly and encouragingly.

Bertholdt shut his eyes, and whimpered softly.

While Bertholdt wanted to apologise and make up with Annie, what hurt him the most, and what **_truly_** was on his mind, was Reiner. He hurt Annie, and it crushed him. Badly. However, what killed him, truly killed him, wasn’t the guilt for betraying her trust—but the fact the universe seemed to plot in a way to make the idea of him and Reiner being together impossible.

He wanted to make up with Annie, and he wanted to be with her. But only because it served as a distraction of what really mattered to him. Reiner.

He wanted to grow up, he wanted to mature, fix things with Annie—like he said that night. It was all true. But he couldn’t help the fact Reiner was all he wanted before, wanted now, and wanted in the future. Ymir knew this.

And since she knew, she thought it would be best for both boys to separate and heal, and come back to have a healthy relationship, rather than an obsessive, possessive one. They didn’t want anyone else, just each other, so why look for other people, when what they want is right in front of them?

Now that they both know of each other’s feelings, the toxicity should culvert properly, making things fall into place. There should be no Reiner fearing that someone new will take Bertholdt away. There should be no Bertholdt worrying about Reiner sleeping around. There should be no more manipulation.

So, that’s what Ymir suggested. Take time off, heal and come back to each other. Just like she **_perfectly_** knows there’s no one else for her than Krista, and no one for Krista than her, she knows these two are meant to be together.

Bertholdt cupped her face and kissed her forehead. This caught her off guard.

“You’re an angel, Ymir.” He smiled with glassy eyes.

She stared at him, wide-eyed.

“I’ll do it” he sounded motivated. “But” he raised a finger.

“But?” she asked.

“But only if you let me take you to dine.” He smiled.

She crossed her arms and looked away, a flush threatening to tinge her cheeks.

“Is that all you have to say to my precious, eloquent speech?”

He smiled.

“Hmph. Fine, why not. Free food, better for me.”

He hugged her again, catching her off guard once more.

“Stop that, it’s embarrassing.” She tried to push him away.

“Ymir the Goddess.” He said with a grin, resting his chin on her head.

“S-shut up already.”


	22. Unexpected x Visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL NOW. SHORT CHAPTER.
> 
> We're almost done!! I don't know how to feel about that D:

Annie pulled her hoodie up and walked through the door. Thankfully, there was no one home. Probably just the girls. Hopefully, Bertholdt left already, that way she won’t have to encounter him.

“Hey, Krista, you’re back!” a voice from the kitchen called, the owner stopping after peeking from the kitchen. Annie froze on the spot.

It was Bertholdt. Yes, naturally. Of course it was Bertholdt. This always happens in books and films—destiny somehow ravels the two forlorn, broken up teenagers for an unwanted confrontation.

Silence and staring, tension forming in the air—tension that suggested too many things at once. Loneliness, timidity, need for comfort, eroticism.

Annie’s heart was racing, butterflies forming in her stomach. She didn’t know if the latter was good or bad.

“S-sorry.” The shy boy interrupted the silence. “Krista headed out a while ago, I thought she was back.”

She tried to look emotionless, but couldn’t. She softened every time she looked at him, even now that she was still furious. Because she was in love with him.

“Right.” She brought her hood down. Her gaze averted to the front, but her body language revealed she had no plans of moving or leaving the room. It was almost as though she was expecting him to talk.

He took one step forward. “A-Annie.” He called quietly.

She swallowed nervously. She tensed when seeing, from the corner of her eye, his movement.

“Can we talk?” he stopped, noticing her visible discomfort.

She moved a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Not now.” She responded softly. “I’m not ready.”

“O-okay.” He understood.

She was heading up the stairs, and stopped as he called her name again.

“Annie.”

Her response was to look at him. The corners of his mouth drooped, eyebrows furrowed. He bore a grim expression.

“Can I hug you?” He asked timidly. 

The question hurt her heart.

“No.” She responded softly. Her eyes looked sad. “Good night, Bertholdt.”

“R-right.” He smiled regrettably, even though she was out of sight. “Good night.”

Bertholdt stared at the now empty spot where she stood. He sighed and brushed his hair back with his fingers, walking back towards the counter.

He yawned and rubbed his eye, opening the fridge to look for something to eat while he waited for Ymir. He spotted a plastic container with grapes. He grabbed it and shook it in excitement. He playfully tossed one in the air and caught it with his mouth.

The impatient boy leaned against the counter and sighed, eating grape after grape.

_What’s Reiner doing right now?_

His eyes stung. He inhaled.

His nose tickled.

“A-choo!”

He sneezed as hard as he could.

“Bless you.” Ymir was walking down the stairs.

“T-thanks” he rubbed his nose with his sleeve.

She looked at the container of grapes, less volume than before. “Hey!” She exclaimed. He looked at her.

“Who gave you permission to eat our fucking grapes?” She creased her eyebrows, pretending to look angry, walking towards him. He fell for the act.

“S-sorry! I’m sorry, I got hungry while waiting.” He put his hands up.

“And you think that gives you the right to steal our food?”

Bertholdt’s nose tickled again. He sniffed.

“I-I don’t know what to say.” He replied nervously.

Ymir smiled, making Bertholdt ease up. She pinched his right cheek.

She dragged him down to level their heads and rubbed her nose against his, as one would do to a clueless child. “I was just kidding, Bertl-san.” The gesture made him feel fuzzy.

“O-oh.” He smiled.

He bent and placed his hand on her waist, the other held her legs. He carried her bridal style. Ymir's eyes widened, and her first reaction was to tap his shoulder frantically.

“What are you doing, you weirdo?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” he smiled at her as he walked towards the door. “Why, I’m carrying my Goddess to her car, of course.”

Ymir was so embarrassed she didn’t know what to reply. Just what is this boy?

He opened the door and walked out, he turned so Ymir could close it for him. She complied.

“You know” she said humorously “if people didn’t know I’m gay as hell, they’d probably think we’re a couple if they saw us right now.” She flicked his temple.

“Ow.”

They reached the car, and Bertholdt put her down.

“That was weird. Don’t do it again.” She tried to look serious, but her humorous tone betrayed her expression.

He rested his arm against the roof of the car, and flipped his hair back.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy being carried by a chivalrous, strong man.” He tried to smile smugly, but the slight tinge on his cheeks and his shaky voice made it obvious he was dying of embarrassment.

Ymir covered her mouth with the back of her hand, and laughed. Bertholdt grinned in return.

“Let me guess.” She chuckled. “You’re trying to be more assertive?”

He nodded shyly, grin still plastered on his face.

“That was a pathetic attempt.”

His expression changed to that of panic, and he began to apologise frantically.

She laughed harder now.

“Bertholdt, you’re so stupid.” _You’re adorable._ “You’re so easy to fluster, I swear.” She patted his shoulder.

He didn’t know what to respond to that.

She opened the car door and got in. “Hurry up.”

“Y-yes!”

He ran towards the passenger seat and got in.

* * *

The car ride was quiet, Bertholdt and Ymir exchanging words only every now and then.

“Refresh my memory: how many days has it been since you last saw Reiner?”

“Five days, but it feels much longer.”

“Hm.” She muttered.

He yawned and rubbed his eyes.

She glanced at him, looking back at the road almost immediately.

“Take a nap. We’ve still got like ten minutes.”

He reclined the seat and snuggled, as best as he could, in midst of his colossal size.

* * *

Reiner was eating a king’s size chocolate bar, sitting on the kitchen counter. He sipped the vanilla milkshake the recently departed Krista brought him. His mouth was agape, expression intensely concentrated on the TV. He was catching up on “ _Scandal_ ”, one of Krista’s shitty shows, which happened to be **_extremely_** engrossing.

There was a knock on the door. He glanced towards it, not expecting anyone. He paused the TV, and got off the counter—placing the chocolate bar on it. He brushed his hands together as he walked towards the door.

He opened it, and froze.

Had he been holding the bar, he would have dropped it.

* * *

Ymir was starting to get frustrated over Bertholdt’s phone. It’s the third time it was buzzing. She hit him awake, surprising the sleepy boy. The phone wasn’t buzzing anymore.

“Someone’s been calling you for a while. Do me a favour and answer, it’s getting annoying as shit.”

The phone vibrated, suggesting a WhatsApp message.

“Sorry.” He used his fingerprint to unlock it, the sudden change in lightning discomforting his eyes. He held one eye shut.

His brows furrowed in confusion.

 **Reinhardt** _**❤** _ _**︎** _ **(19:43 P.M.):  
** _I know we’re ona break but I cant explain come home NOW!!!!_

A new message.

 **Reinhardt** _**❤** _ _**︎** _ **(19:43 P.M.):  
** _Someone’s h—_

His eyes sunk. Stone face.

Ymir noticed. “What’s up?”

“Ymir.” He called quietly, but sternly. “Please turn back. Take me to my apartment.”

This wasn’t a request. It was a demand.

Ymir slowed down and looked at him warily. She complied, rather than pressing the issue.

He repositioned the seat and replied.

* * *

 **Bertl <333 (19:44 P.M.):**  
_Okay_

Reiner, seated on the counter, one arm raised to look at his phone, the other one resting on his leg, clenched his toes.

He tried to hold back the contempt and venom in his voice.

“Yeah. Just a minute.”

* * *

Bertholdt got out of the car without saying goodbye. Ymir didn’t understand what was going on.

He walked into the building, warily. He's not sure if it was a good idea to come.

He crossed his arms and waited for the elevator.

 _Who?_ He pursed his lips. _Or is he just trying to trick me?_

Ding.

He got in.

Eyes stared at the floor indicator, both patiently and anxiously.

Ding.

He left his keys at Eren’s house, so his only choice was to knock.

Reiner got off the counter and walked towards the door. He hesitated for a moment before unlocking it. He opened it, and paved way.

Bertholdt walked in. The first thing he saw was the figure sitting on the couch.

He perked up, mouth agape. Had real life been a cartoon in this instant, Bertholdt’s eyes would have popped out of his skull due to the shocked state they were on.

The figure looked at him. Dully, but with a slight hint of surprise.

Bertholdt quietly exhaled, his abdomen contracting slowly.

“M-mother.”


	23. A Step x Towards x Growth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have mixed feelings about this chapter. I've had a massive writer's block lately, but I also wanted to write. 
> 
> I don't know, this is weird x.x
> 
> HOPE YOU DON'T HATE THIS :(

Reiner leaned against the wall, arms crossed. Nothing but pure rage and contempt in his eyes—venom in his voice.

“Alright.” He hissed. “He’s here. What do you want?”

There was no need to hold back. No need to act nice. She was in his territory— ** _he_** had the control here. Not her.

“I see you’re as brutish as always, Reiner.” She sniped snidely, with that disgusting toothy grin that made Reiner’s blood boil.

He gritted his teeth.

Bertholdt was still standing. His breathing was agitated, and he felt nauseous. He wanted to be valiant and tell her to fuck off—but they hadn’t met in a while. There must be a significant reason she came all the way here, and without notice, too.

“M-mother.” Bertholdt managed to utter. “What do you want?” he asked quietly.

She glanced at Bertholdt with that one stare. The one stare she gave him before a beating, the one stare she gave him during dinner, as she threw the cutlery or dishes at him. His breathing was becoming more uneven, much to Reiner’s concern.

“Tell this brute to go away and then we can talk.”

Bertholdt’s eyebrows creased in hostility over the comment.

Her eyes met Reiner’s as soon as she made her demand to Bertholdt. She emphasised the word “ _brute_ ” and smirked snidely at Reiner. He simply continued the eye contact, refusing to break it off.

_This bitch. I’m not the same kid I was three years ago. This time, I’ll do whatever it takes to protect him. You’re in our turf now, cunt. Don’t get cocky._

He glanced at Bertholdt, his grip on his own arms tightening.

_Be strong, Bertl. Don’t let her get to you._

Bertholdt and Reiner had trained for a moment like this. They elaborated scenarios, and prepared for a variety of responses which possible outcomes could bring. They trained, over and over, facing Bertholdt’s fears. Because Reiner wanted him to be ready at any moment—because he knew that one day, the day Bertholdt was fourteen and chose to confront her, would have to repeat itself eventually; sooner or later.

Today was that day.

“Reiner” Bertl called gently. “It’s okay. You can leave us.” He knew what Reiner’s gaze meant.

Reiner grabbed his phone and keys from the counter. “Sure thing, bud.” He walked past his friend and gripped his shoulder. He smiled at him, hoping Bertholdt would understand what the gesture meant to convey.

“ _Don’t let her get to you. You’ve prepared yourself for this.”_

Reiner opened the door and turned to face the person he hated most. She looked at him as if he were scum. After all, to her, he was.

He mouthed the word “ _bitch_ ” and smiled before he closed the door. Her ireful expression only brought him satisfaction.

The door was closed.

There was no way in hell he was leaving. He sat on the stairs right next to their apartment and browsed through his phone. His two basic senses, sight and hearing, sharpened to their limits—intensely focused in case anything happened inside.

* * *

Bertholdt still remembers the day Reiner’s mother, Karina, took him in. It was a great change he feared at first. However, little by little, he learned what it felt like to wake up without fear. To be called down for breakfast, and eat a decent, warm meal, in a clean and homely environment; with a wonderful, motherly woman smiling at him.

It was amazing.

After Bertholdt moved in with them, the environment in the house changed. Naturally, the boy felt indebted, so he did everything in his power to earn his keep. He’d wash the dishes, mow the lawn, take out the trash; he’d tidy up every time he could and looked up tutorials on the Internet to learn how to cook.

The first time he tried to cook, Reiner and his mother were out of the house. He looked up a recipe to make spaghetti, and everything was going well, until he burned his hand trying to place the pan on the counter. The blazing sensation forced him to drop it, spilling the entire meal all over the floor—taking the porcelain plates down with it. His instinct compelled him to clean up the mess, but the sound of plates breaking brought him memories of his mother. Memories of her throwing dishes at him, plates breaking in the process, sometimes leaving scrapes and cuts, and forcing him to clean up.

Because of his background, like one can’t help but shiver in the cold, no one could blame Bertholdt for reflexively sitting in the corner of the kitchen, crying over the stress elicited by the traumatic memories. At that moment, all he could think about was what would be done to him after the incident.  

When Reiner and his mother came home, their first reaction wasn’t to pay importance to the mess, but to the shivering boy hiding in a corner, crying while covering his face.

As Karina approached him, Bertholdt, without being asked what happened, began to desperately whimper apologies and how he just wanted to help. She simply held the boy’s arm, pulled him towards her, and embraced him.

That’s when he understood what it felt to be held for the first time.

The three of them cleaned up together, and after Bertholdt showered, she taught him how to properly make spaghetti, and the importance of using gloves. They dined, Reiner telling adventure stories he watched on documentaries and how he wanted to replicate them in the future, pointing at Bertholdt and saying he'll drag him along.

This was the first time Bertholdt cried from happiness. Not anguish, not pain. Happiness.

He felt accepted and loved. He was worth it.

And this is why he was going to fight back.

* * *

_I have trained for this. I have emotionally prepared myself for this. Even if I’m weak, I know Reiner has my back. He’s trained me for this moment. As long as I have him, I can be strong._

In midst of Reiner’s manipulation to guide Bertholdt’s direction in life only towards him, he understood that Reiner did it out of love. A toxic, self-serving love, but he knew it was love nevertheless. He knew Reiner truly loved him, and that to him, he was worth it. It didn’t matter if it was a toxic, it being a severely imperfect love doesn't exclude the fact it's **_still_** love. He knew it was genuine because Bertholdt did the same. They both manipulated each other, they were both selfish because they were weak, because they were too cowardly and insecure; but most of all, because they _**loved**_ each other. However, that toxicity is in the past, because things are now changing, and he’s done being weak. His love towards Reiner can make him strong—because as long as he has him, as long as he knows he’s loved by him, he will have the drive to change. And if he can change, he knows Reiner will as well.

Ymir made him understand all of this. If he wanted a shot to be happy in life, with Reiner by his side, he had to be strong. He had to outgrow his past in order to drain out the toxicity.

_I’m scared. But if I let my fear overcome me, I’ll never be able to change. I’ll never be able to confront anyone else._

This is it.

“He’s out.” Bertholdt crossed his arm and walked towards the counter, leaning on it. “Will you tell me what you want now?”

His tone was sharp.

“An attitude, have we?” her eyes looked bored, but her lips bore a mocking smirk.

Bertholdt just stared.

She sighed. “I’ll cut to the chase.”

He bit his lower lip, and quietly took deep breaths, in attempts to soothe down his desperate heart.

“Your father wants to see you.”

Bertholdt’s arms dropped to his sides, releasing a gasp, and taking a step forward.

“What?” He asked perplexed.

“Are you deaf? I said your father wants to see you.”

_I’m not deaf. I simply asked in surprise, it’s a natural reaction. Bitch._

He wanted to hiss this, but he was hesitant. He was scared to.

But he clenched his fists and did it anyway.

“If I were deaf I wouldn’t be able to hear anything you’re saying, so clearly, I’m not.” He sniped.

Her eyes widened.

“You better watch your tone, Bertholdt.” She threatened.

_Or what?_

“You’re the one who asked if I was deaf. I was just answering your question.” He replied calmly.

_Or what? What will you do?_

She was at disadvantage. She understood this, and that’s why she was going to restrain herself. She couldn’t do anything to him here.

“Just tell me what you came here for. The faster you do, the faster you can leave. I’m sure you don’t want to be here as much as I don’t want you to.”

She stood up and walked towards him. He tensed up immediately.

“I’m only doing this so he quits his bitching and pestering.” She handed him over a sticky note. “It’s faster than dictating you his number, and you changed yours anyway so it’s not like I could text you. Not that I’d want to anyway.”

He grabbed the note, his thumb slightly grazing hers. She pursed her lips in disgust over the contact. This made him want to cry.

He stared at the note.

“D-did he say anything” he stopped. “E-else?” he asked quietly.

She chuckled. “You’re almost an adult and yet you still stutter like a kid.” Her expression conveyed how pathetic she thought he was.

“I gave you his number, I have nothing else to say to you.” She walked towards the couch and grabbed her purse.

She left without saying a thing.

Everything happened so fast, Bertholdt couldn’t act valiantly. He wasn’t able to actually confront her. It both amazed and destroyed him how this woman hated him so much, she couldn't stand being in the same room as him for more than ten minutes. Sure, he wanted her to spit out whatever she came for quickly, but he was hoping she'd say something else. Ask how he's been, or note how big and mature he looked now. But there was nothing.

He can't dwell on this. He has to look forward.

He looked at the sticky note and grinned.

Reiner walked back in the apartment, tempted to slam the door. The sight alone of that vile bitch made him want to break things.

“Bertholdt” he strode towards his friend. “Are you okay?” He observed him thoroughly, looking for any signs of injury. Bertholdt grinned at him.

Reiner felt his heart warm. He smiled.

“What happened?”

Bertholdt almost shoved the sticky note in his face.

“Okay.” He leaned back a little. “And?”

Bertholdt unexpectedly hugged Reiner as tightly as he could.

“It’s my dad’s number. He finally found me!” he whimpered excitedly.

Reiner returned the hug, a slight smile of relief plastered on his face.

“That’s great, Bertl.” He pulled back. He ruffled Bertholdt’s hair, his smile widening. “So, I take it you’ll meet up as soon as possible.”

“Yeah. I’ll probably show him how resentful I am for taking so long to find me, but I’ll also turn into a child again and quiver excitedly.” He looked at the ground shyly.

“But after that.” He looked back at Reiner, not finishing his sentence. Reiner took it as though his friend wanted him to replicate what he said, but as a question, in order for him to continue. He was being so dramatic. Did he feel as if he were in a soap opera?

“After that?”

“I’ll introduce him to my best friend in the whole world.”

Reiner’s lips parted. His gaze softened.

“Yeah.” He stuck his hands in his pockets. “And then I’ll punch his head for not finding you sooner.” He grinned. “I’m gonna give that pops a piece of my mind.”

Bertholdt laughed.

Reiner wanted to ask so many things right now. Does this mean Bertholdt and him are okay now? Does this mean he’ll come back home? Does this mean they can finally discuss what happened that night, and what they’ll do next now that they’re aware of each other’s feelings?

But he couldn't. Right now, the one thing Bertholdt had been waiting for most of his life happened. He couldn’t overshadow that with his feelings. He couldn't be selfish anymore.

He had to be patient and wait. So, he will.


	24. Getting x Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some cuteness <3 showing Bertl interact with some of his other friends, since he's mostly talked only to Annie and Reiner throughout the fic.
> 
>  
> 
> NOTE: There is a word some people MIGHT consider offensive (you'll know which one it is when you see it), but here, it doesn't involve a negative connotation at all. It's meant to be playful, as many other insults are, the same way my friends and I, and maaaaaaany other people use while playing videogames or messing around. Just making this FYI, since a lot of people get needlessly offended by that word.

Bertholdt turned back to wave goodbye to Reiner as he walked in the house. Reiner returned the gesture, and didn’t drive away until Bertholdt was safe inside.

“Sup.” Eren greeted, lying on the couch. Armin hurried back to the armchair after opening the door for Bertholdt, unpausing his game. He was playing Grand Theft Auto V.

“Hey.” Bertholdt greeted, heading towards the kitchen to prepare himself a mug of coffee.

Eren followed him with his eyes. He appeared to be in a better mood. Did his plan work? Did Annie and him finally make up? He stood up to go to the kitchen, somewhat excitedly.

“So.” Eren opened the fridge casually, in attempts to act natural. He feigned looking for something as Bertholdt opened the cabinet to look for a mug, and grunted when he couldn’t find what he wanted to “eat.”

“So?” Bertholdt repeated, glancing at Eren as he slowly poured himself coffee.

He noticed Eren’s intentions.

“You seem to be in a much better mood.” He pointed out. “I mean, you finally stopped crying enough to come back, and you’re kinda smiling, so something must have happened.”

Bertholdt blushed, eyes widening.

“Y-you heard?” He asked shyly, averting his gaze.

Eren chuckled. “Bertl, I’m sure the entire city heard.” He walked towards him and gripped his shoulder, offering a smile. “But hey, relax. Nothing to be ashamed of.” He said sincerely.

Bertholdt placed the mug in the microwave, on a countdown of two minutes. He grabbed the coffee-mate from the cabin.

He didn’t respond.

Eren let go off his shoulder, and leaned on the counter, right next to Bertholdt.

“Did something good happen?” He meddled curiously. _Did it work? Did you guys make-up? Did my plan work or not? Holy shit Bertl, speak up!_

Bertholdt smiled at him. He scratched his temple and his smile bloomed into a grin. “That’s for me to know.”

“Oh, come on!” Eren reproached. “Don’t be such a cock-tease. What happened?”

Bertholdt only responded with his grin.

“Let me guess.” _I might as well just ask._ “You made up with Annie?”

Bertholdt’s grin faltered.

“N-no.”

_Well, shit._

He didn’t know what to respond.

“I wanted to talk to her after she came home from work, but she said she wasn’t ready.” Bertholdt spoke softly. “She wasn’t mean or anything. I guess that’s some progress?”

_Okay, okay. They didn’t make up, but she listened to me. This is good. But still, why is he in such a good mood?_

Eren walked up to the counter chair across them and sat on it. “Come on, Bertl.” He leaned his chin on both hands. “Why are you so happy?”

The microwave beeped.

Bertholdt grabbed the mug and added the cream. He stirred it, and leaned against the counter, facing Eren. He took a cautious sip of his glorious drink, so he didn’t get burned, and placed his free hand inside his pocket.

“That’s a secret, Eren.”

He wasn’t going to divulge this information. Not yet. He wanted to meet up with his father first, catch up, probably cry, and then see what will happen next. After all that happens, after he has **_certainly_** met him, he will tell the group.

Eren pouted, but chose to respect Bertholdt’s wishes rather than pressing the issue.

“Who gave you a ride?” He changed the subject.

“Reiner.”

His eyebrows rose in surprise.

“You guys are okay now?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I think so. I don’t know.” He sipped, embarrassed for not knowing what the answer was.

“Hm.” Eren muttered.

Eren was itching to ask. Since the whole ordeal with Annie happened, he was dying to know. Was Bertholdt gay? Not that it’d be a big deal, he’s just wondering. Is he gay or bisexual? He’s had girlfriends in the past, and he **_was_** dating Annie, but kissed Reiner—or let Reiner kiss him. He still didn’t know what really happened. Should he ask? It’s none of his business, but come on.

“Hey, Bertl”

Bertholdt hummed in response.

“Can I ask you something? I know it’s none of my business, but I’m just curious, that’s all.”

Bertholdt felt a little nervous.

“Sure.”

Eren swallowed.

 _“Are you gay?”_ That’s what he wanted to ask. But he couldn’t be so blunt and/or inconsiderate, he had to choose his words carefully. Rather than straight-up asking about Bertholdt’s sexuality, he chose to ask something more specific.

“Do you like Reiner?”

Bertholdt felt alarmed. He looked at the floor.

_Guess there’s no point in hiding it now._

“Y-yeah. I guess.”

Eren wanted to ask about the whole situation.

_Did you kiss Reiner? Did Reiner kiss you? Were you guys already a thing while you were dating Annie? Was dating her just a façade? Bertl, for the love of God, fucking tell me everything!_

He felt like a school-girl who was itching to gossip with her friends.

“So, you’re bisexual, or gay? Like, I don’t want to sound like a dick or anything, I’m just genuinely curious cause you’ve dated girls in the past and stuff.”

Bertholdt smiled. Eren eased up when seeing this. He couldn’t help but return a smile, grateful that his friend was being so collected about this. He was trusting him.

“I like girls. I get off girls, really.” He sipped. “I’ve never liked guys before, and I can’t get turned on by them, unlike with girls which I can, easily. But I do like Reiner. That’s why I’ve always been conflicted, because if I were bisexual, I’d feel the same way towards guys as I do girls. Right?”

Eren looked at him intently. This is the most Bertholdt had been speaking in the last week.

“Right.” He answered.

“I guess that I simply like Reiner.”

Eren was close to understanding what he meant.

“It’s not that I like guys per se.” Bertholdt continued. “I don’t think it has anything to do with gender here. I just like him because he’s Reiner, not because he’s a he. He’s just Reiner.” He sighed. “I don’t know how to eloquently express it right now. My brain has been fried lately.”

“No” Eren interrupted. “I think understand now. It’s got nothing to do with his sex, just the fact it’s Reiner. Does that mean that when it comes to actual sex, you’re into girls, but when it comes to your feelings, you just like Reiner? Or like, you want Reiner too but because of your feelings towards him?” He asked.

The situation was more complex than that, but that summed up a portion of it.

“Yeah.” Bertholdt pursed his lips in approval. “I guess that’s it.”

Eren smiled. “Nice, nice. I got you, fam.” He winked at him.

Bertholdt smiled, glad to have had this conversation, for some reason.

“Wanna join us in our game? Shit’s getting lit. Armin’s going around the city blowing up shit with his tank.” He stood up.

Bertholdt pondered momentarily.

“You know what.” He smiled. “Yeah, I’d like to. I’m just going to change real quick.” He placed the mug on the counter.

Eren offered a high five. “Fuck yeah.”

Bertholdt high-fived him, his good mood increasing.

_Thank you, Eren._

* * *

“Armin, you fucking coconut head!” Bertholdt yelled at the top of his lungs, Eren laughing frantically in the background.

“I-I didn’t know!” Armin tried to defend himself.

“Nigga! How can you call your insurance company to ask about a car that doesn’t have insurance because you **_stole_** it!?” Bertholdt grumbled. “Ugh! And it was an Adder too! Do you have any idea how hard they are to find at this level of the game?” He threw a cushion at Armin.

Eren found the situation hilarious, but what killed him was when Bertholdt called Armin a “coconut head.” He had never seen the similarities until now.

“I’m sorry! I thought you could destroy your cars without a problem. I could’ve sworn they had insurance.” Armin tried to defend himself once more.

“Armin.” Eren wiped a tear forming in the corner of his eye. “Stealing a car doesn’t make it yours. That’s why it’s stolen. You can only add insurance to a car you buy, it’s just like real life.”

“Oh.” Armin looked disappointed.

“Well, that’s stupid. Isn’t this game called Grand Theft Auto for a reason? If I steal the car it’s mine, I should be able to get it back.”

Bertholdt, sitting right next to Armin, gently slapped the back of his head.

“What was that for!?” Armin rubbed the spot.

Bertholdt just stared, though playfully.

“I-I don’t know. It seemed appropriate.” He looked to the side, slight smirk forming on his lips.

“Well.” Armin crossed his arms. “That sucks. Now I have to go back to driving crappy cars.” He shrugged. "Mostly."

Eren stood up to head to the kitchen.

“I don’t get it.” Bertholdt sat cross-legged.

Eren interjected before Bertholdt could continue. He pointed at him. “Beer?”

“Yeah.” Bertholdt replied.

He pointed at Armin. “Beer?”

Armin pondered for a couple of seconds.

Eren snapped his fingers three times. “Hurry.”

“Y-yeah.” Armin replied reluctantly. His alcohol tolerance was horrible, he was somewhat scared he’d get drunk off one beer.

Eren opened the fridge and crouched, looking for the beverages.

“I don’t get it.” Bertholdt took the controller from Armin. “You have a tank, which is worth three million. The Adder is one million. Shouldn’t you have at least over five million after completing all the Lester assassination missions?”

Armin looked at him reluctantly, knowing that his answer would earn him another slap on the head.

“Oh God.” Bertholdt understood. “What did you do with all the money?”

Eren whistled at Bertholdt. He brought his attention and threw both cans of beers at him. He caught them with ease.

He cracked open his beer and handed Armin his.

Armin laughed nervously. “I-I spent most of it modifying my Cheetah.”

Bertholdt’s eyes widened. “What!? You spent almost two million modifying **_one_** car?”

Armin scratched his temple as Eren plopped on the couch, observing the situation.

“M-maybe?” He replied with a nervous laugh.

Bertholdt slapped the back of his head again, as expected.

“You suck at videogames.” Bertholdt stated, matter-of-factly, and sipped his beer. He unpaused the game and started playing.

Armin looked at him warmly, and smiled. “Bertholdt.”

The boy looked at him. “Hm?” he muttered, police sirens and screams coming from the TV.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” His smile was both comforting and alleviating. He was genuinely happy over Bertholdt feeling okay.

Bertholdt blushed. He looked back at the TV.

“S-shut up. You’re embarrassing me.” He continued driving around, running over pedestrians, and throwing grenades out of the window—police cars hot on his trail and ambulances going rampant around the city.

Armin noticed the smile that formed over Bertholdt’s lips.

Yeah. It’s all getting better now.


	25. Reiner's x Conflict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a long chapter, but I hope you enjoy it <3

Reiner kept tossing and turning around his bed. He couldn’t sleep. One minute he was hot, so he tossed the blanket away from him. The next minute he’d get cold, so he’d wrap himself in it again. Rinse and repeat.

There was something bothering him.

It was Bertholdt’s father.

He was happy he finally found Bertholdt, but that’s what was troubling him. Him “finally” finding Bertholdt. **_Finally_**.

It’s been over a decade. What could have possibly taken him so long? How could it have been so hard to find his son, when he knew where he lived, whom he lived with and had a way to contact his ex-wife?

He never had to **_find_** his kid, he just didn’t bother to.

This is the first thing Reiner’s gut told him. Sure, it must have been tough at first, since Bertholdt’s vile bitch of a mother didn’t allow parental visits, as she held custody. But this was no excuse.

He sat up and ruffled his hair in desperation. There was a conflict brewing inside of Reiner. One part of his mind wanted to justify Bertholdt’s father, thinking that perhaps there are reasons he didn’t find him sooner. But the other part of his mind, the rational side he wanted to ignore, told him the opposite. There were no reasons. It was frustrating him—all he could do was argue with himself.

_This doesn’t make sense. Something simply doesn’t add up._

He brought his fist to his mouth and bit his thumb nail in concentration.

_There are various types of custodies, but there’s two I’m familiar with. Physical and legal custody. Physical custody simply means that one of the parents has the right to live with the kid, but there’s also the obligation the other parent sees their kid. It works better if both parents live near each other, but there’s never been any indication this was the case in Bertl’s conditions._

He brought one leg towards his chest, his free hand resting on his knee. He was still biting his nail.

_The custodial parent is the one the kid lives with. That would be Bertl’s mom. But there’s also the noncustodial parent, who doesn’t live with the kid, but has the right for visitation. It’s a right._

He was getting hot. He got off the bed and took off his clothes, leaving only his blue boxers. He arranged his pillows against the wall, and sat comfortably against them, redoing his previous position.

_Then there’s legal custody. One parent chooses everything about the kid’s upbringing, and lives with the kid, but…_

He cracked his ring finger with his thumb.

_If that parent denies the other visitation, which would be the first hypothesis or excuse anyone would make to justify Bertl’s dad, the latter has the right to bring that case to court. But it’s expensive. Is it possible that Bertl’s dad was having financial issues and wasn’t able to take it to court? But then why didn’t he just go to their house? Why didn’t he just go there and demand to see Bertl, even if he had to make a fuss?_

He groaned and fell into the mattress, now lying on his back—arms plopped to his sides.

_I don’t want to think this, but…_

_Is it possible Bertl’s dad simply gave up on him? I can’t think of any scenario in which it would be impossible for him to visit Bertl. I just can’t think of anything. Is there any sort of custody I have to research, that might have the answer I seek?_

_Has Bertholdt even put any thought into this? How could he be so dumb? He’s usually so rational, so why has he never questioned this?_

_And yet, I’m not any better. I never thought about this before either, and I don't know why. In retrospect, with the help of a library and the Internet, we could have easily found his dad. We're so stupid, why didn’t we do this sooner? Why didn’t he ever suggest it? Why didn’t **I** ever suggest it?_

_I don’t like this. Not one bit. I don’t have a good feeling, I feel like this will end up hurting Bertl. And that’s the least he needs right now._

Reiner was fighting his natural instinct of calling Bertholdt right now to discuss this right away. He wanted him to be prepared for any scenario, for any sort of information he might learn when meeting his father. He doesn’t want reality to crash onto his friend, because it would only make Bertholdt think about everything Reiner is right now. And that would destroy him.

He has to protect him. But he knows this information would only have a negative effect on him.

_With everything that’s been happening… if I tell him this now, even so much as bring it up, it could only damage my relationship with him further. What do I do? What am I supposed to do? If I bring it up, he’ll think I’m trying to manipulate him to pull him towards me, and that I’m ruining his second chance at happiness. But if I don’t, and he meets his dad, and somehow something happens and he gets hurt…_

He rubbed his face in frustration.

_I don’t know what to do. I’m so fucking dumb. Why am I thinking about this now? Why did his dad have to appear now, after all the shit that’s been happening? Why now of all times? Bringing this up will only work against me. It’ll only make me appear worse._

_But something has to be done._

_Do I bring this up, explain what I think and risk driving Bertl away from me? Or do I keep quiet, risk him getting hurt and see him suffer?_

_What if I make him suffer by questioning him, then he meets his dad, gets hurt, and comes back to me with twice as much damage? At least I’d be able to comfort him, but with us, with Annie, then his dad… what if he really collapses this time? What if not even I will be able to help?_

_But then, what if I don’t tell him, he gets hurt, and collapses anyway? If I tell him and risk driving him away, and my conclusions about his dad are true, at least I can be assured he’ll realise I’m right and come back._

Reiner’s scenarios didn’t include the possibility of everything working out. They didn’t include the possibility of Bertholdt not getting hurt. But Reiner couldn’t help it—the entire information they’ve had for so long, yet unconsciously ignored, points out to one conclusion: for whatever reason, Bertholdt’s father put no effort.

Reiner perked up, as one does when suddenly remembering something important.

_Sole custody. That’s the type of custody my mother has on me. Only one parent can interact with the kid in this scenario, because the other one seems unfit. My dad was an alcoholic and drug addicted scumbag, and he abused my mom, so he was deemed as dangerous. If, somehow, Bertl’s mom owned this custody, it’d make sense. But no conditions meet this requirement. There’s no evidence his dad was seen as unfit, not that I know of. If there were, I’m sure Bertl would have told me._

_So again, there is literally no fucking excuse for his dad not finding or contacting him sooner. He’s just a lazy piece of shit, that’s all there is to it._

_I have to tell him. I can’t risk more pain piling up on him._

_But how do I do it? How do I go about this? How do you even approach something like this?_

_I could ask Annie for help, but she absolutely despises my guts right now. I could risk getting my head bashed in to protect him, but would Annie really make any difference?_

He sighed and looked out the window, his arm resting on his knee.

_Maybe I could ask Ymir for help. She seems to get through him easily… perhaps she can tell me what to do._

Reiner stood up and headed for the kitchen. He needed to drink something, he needed something to stimulate his mind.

He looked around the fridge to find something—a leftover smoothie or cocoa. He couldn’t find what he craved, so he just settled for orange and carrot juice.

He poured himself a tall glass, and sat on the kitchen counter.

_Think, Reiner. Why would he appear now, of all times? What’s different? Him appearing at the worst possible moment is just a shitty coincidence. Bertl’s supposed to start college, but he hasn’t been able to solve the financial issue with his mom… is that relevant? No, it doesn’t make sense. He applied for a scholarship ages ago._

He brought his fist to his mouth and burped.

_I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to shit on this, I know it’s important to him, but I can’t keep quiet. What if this doesn’t go the way he’s been expecting for years? He’ll be totally ruined. And, adding up the things that have happened lately, not even I would be able to help. I don’t even know where we stand right now._

_If things go south, I hate considering the possibility Bertl might do something to himself._

He bit his lip and his eyes stung.

_I can’t let that happen again. That day… I don’t want to go through that again. I have to do something._

* * *

Ymir delicately wrapped a scarf around Krista’s neck. Winter was approaching, and Krista is highly sensitive to cold weather. It’s not exactly freezing right now, but there is a rawness in the air that suggests snow might fall anytime, and the size of acorns around the neighbourhood is huge. According to Bertholdt, the bigger an acorn, the heavier the winter season will be.

“Are you excited?” Ymir asked.

“Yeah” she smiled. “Incredibly so.”

She hugged Ymir as soon as she was done helping her with her scarf. Ymir leaned in for a kiss, which Krista happily provided, and smiled into it.

Ymir grabbed her jacket from the coat hanger. She sighed.

“I’m still not sure what I want to study.”

Krista rolled her eyes.

“I keep saying you should aim for psychology, but do you ever listen?”

Ymir placed a hand on her waist.

“Because it’s dumb. I’m not cut out for that.”

She grabbed both the car and apartment keys from the desk, ready to head out. Krista followed.

Today was the day they’d tour their chosen university.

“Ugh” Krista reproached as they descended the stairs. “You’re so stubborn.”

“Annie” Ymir yelled, before opening the front door. “We’re going to Desiderata, we’ll be back in a bit.”

She waited for Annie’s response.

“I’m not stubborn, it’s the truth. I’ve got no patience at all for people’s bitching.” She mocked.

Annie peeked her head through the stairs. “Okay. Good luck.”

“Bye, Annie!” Krista smiled sweetly.

They reached and got in the car.

“Is that why you’re so eager to listen to Bertholdt all the time?”

Ymir started the engine. She glanced at Krista, who was reclining her seat to have more space.

“Hmph.”

They took off.

“And why you’re willing to let him cry on your lap every time he wants?”

Krista huffed, pretending to be prideful, and looked to the front as she crossed her arms.

“If you weren't gay as hell, I'd almost say you're into him.”

Ymir focused on the road, but grinned.

“I’m gay as hell for you.” She chuckled. “But if I weren’t, I wouldn’t hate dating him.”

“I’m offended.”

Ymir momentarily glanced at her.

“Oh, please. As if you wouldn’t do the same with Reiner.” Her tone was humorous.

“True.” Krista wiggled her legs playfully.

“But really. You’d make a great psychologist. You’re really neutral and you give amazing advice. You tell the truth, but you choose your words carefully as to not hurt the person.” She said sincerely.

Ymir’s expression softened. “That’s not with everyone, though. I only do that with you, and now with Bertl.”

“Hm?” Krista waited for her to go more in-depth.

“I just don’t have that kind of patience in general. I love you, so it’s easy for me to do that with you. And I sympathise with Bertl, because there’s something about him, I guess, which is why I do it. But I can’t do that with everyone.”

“Something about him?” Krista asked.

“I don’t know.” Ymir frowned. “Something about him makes me really sad.”

Krista was close to understanding why he was special to her, why she wanted to protect him, even though she wouldn’t admit it. She won’t mention it, though. She wants Ymir to say it herself. She smiled.

“Let me have your babies.” She was both joking and being serious.

Ymir laughed. “What?”

“You’re so nurturing with him. It’s so cute.” She raised a finger. “So, you’d make a great mom!”

“Shut up. I just feel bad for him, that’s it.”

Lies.

“He’s had it hard.” Krista was serious now. “He looks sad most of the time, and most people don’t notice it. No one likes feeling invisible, so it’s only natural you’d feel bad for him.” She smiled sweetly, although her tone also indicated she was innocently mocking Ymir. “Because behind those freckles and angriness, you’re just a real softy.”

Ymir poked Krista in the rib, eliciting a laugh from the latter.

“Stop! I’m ticklish”

Ymir smiled. “I know.”

There was silence for a couple of seconds.

“I’ve just been there too, I guess. Back in the orphanage, while every kid I got close with eventually left, being adopted, I was left behind. Nobody picked me.”

To any person, her expression would have remained the same, but Krista knew better. There was a slight hint of sadness in her eyes.

“I was invisible.” She said softly. “Just like he is.”

Krista’s heart hurt. She’s heard this story multiple times, but every time it hurt more than the last. This is probably because her love towards Ymir continually grows, and the more you love someone, the more likely you are to be affected by them. To hear Ymir’s past was a stab in the chest for Krista, a deeper stab every time she heard the story again.

“My parents made me think I was worthless, and that nobody wanted or cared about me, which is why they abandoned me to begin with.”

Ymir sighed.

“Look” she glanced at Krista, then back at the road. “Don’t get offended by this, but the way Reiner manipulated him just reminded me of how my parents manipulated me.”

Krista frowned at her. As expected.

“I know, I know.” she understood what Krista’s glance meant.

_“Don’t you dare compare him to them.”_

“It’s not a fair comparison, but I mean that Reiner wanted Bertl to think nobody but him loved him. He doesn’t deserve that.

My parents made me think I was worthless, and though it’s not the same thing, that’s how Bertl felt.”

Krista sighed in defeat. Reiner was a touchy subject for her.

“Thing is.” Ymir stated matter-of-factly. “I’m only like that with you two. I don’t have that same patience or protective instinct or what-fucking-ever with anyone else. Eren could come to me for advice and I’d tell him to fuck off.”

Krista laughed, easing the ambiance in the car.

Ymir placed her right hand beside the gear lever, indicating Krista to hold her hand. She complied.

She brought Krista’s hand to her lips and kissed it softly.

“I love you.” She smiled. “I’ll find something to study, psychology just isn’t my thing.”

Krista blushed, feeling warmth in her heart.

“Okay.”

* * *

Reiner looked up, his eyes closed, feeling the warmth of the water pour down his face; the steam engulfing the shower. He sighed.

Images of Bertholdt popped in his head. Precious, immaculate Bertholdt. His well-shaped arms and taut abdomen; his long, toned legs. Emerald eyes, with a beautiful olive skin and black hair to match.

He was so, **_so_** painfully **beautiful.**

He grabbed his favourite lemon bodywash from the shower basket, and slathered it across his pectorals and muscular stomach. The action seemed to ferment an intoxicating smell in the air.

He imagined lying in bed with Bertholdt, having the boy smell the green apple shampoo he was now working through his hair. The idea of Bertholdt being so close to him, the idea of feeling his breathing on his skin, gently running his fingers up Reiner’s arm—it sent chills down his spine, and awakened arousal in him.

The warm flow of the water only served to turn him on more.

He shivered as he caressed his iliac region, making his abdomen contract from the sensitive touch. He stroked down, reaching his cock, gripping it softly. He began massaging, imagining himself planting kisses on Bertholdt’s stomach, down to his cock. The image of Bertholdt’s pleasurable expression, hearing soft moans coming from the beautiful boy made Reiner grunt. He gripped tighter.

He moved his fist up and down his shaft, slowly, gradually picking up the pace.

He stopped.

He held his breath for a couple of seconds.

He inhaled, and slowly exhaled, his chest shuddering as he did so. His eyes stung, and just like that, he started crying.


	26. Hiatus (NOTE)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOT A CHAPTER, JUST A NOTE

I’ve been pondering about leaving this story on stand-by. I have big writer’s block, and all the ideas I get are brand new and irrelevant to this story.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about making a series consisting of various one-shots, where Bertholdt and Reiner are the protagonists, and other AOT characters the deuteragonists. Each chapter would be a different scenario, of course, but they will make sense and form part of a bigger story. It just won’t follow the same dynamic this fic does, or at least not yet. Things might change. The way I've been writing the first chapter now, it seems like each chapter won't be a one-shot, so I really don't know.

The genre? Mystery, I suppose. I’m a big fan of mystery novels, since I'm so invested in serial killers and crime ( _and lately my interest in Ted Bundy has rebound, making my want of writing something like this even stronger_ ), and I absolutely adore the idea of Bertholdt and Reiner being detectives. I imagine Bertholdt as a new forensic chemist or forensic pathologist, while Reiner is a rookie detective. Bertholdt’s intellect, of course, is not limited to the science involved in forensics—his genius also excels at solving cases. This makes him and Reiner work together perfectly.

I really want to write this new idea I have, so I’m not sure when I’ll update this.

It’s natural to believe most people would say “ _okay, who cares? You’ll update when you update, no need to announce all of this_ , _literally not a big deal/no one cares_ ” but I do want to give a heads up, in case there’s anyone who actively reads/looks forward to this story.

I do love this fic and have had lots of fun writing it, so I hope you guys won’t “give up on it”, but I also hope I can see you on my next fic too!

 


	27. Caught x Off x Guard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAND WE'RE BACK ON TRACK.
> 
> Phew! I've had some real writer's block for the last two weeks or so. I'm glad for this to be back. I've written two more stories since I went on hiatus with this, but apparently people only cared about this fic LMAO. feelsbadman
> 
> I hope you enjoy this! If you liked it please make sure to leave kudos or a comment, so I can know if I'm doing something right or if someone's interested. I happily accept criticism, as I am eager to improve. Thank you! ❤

“Mr. Bertholdt?” the young child called.

Bertholdt was interrupted from his thoughts.

“Y-yes, William?”

The boy nervously handed over his basic third grade geometry worksheet. “I finished.”

Bertholdt clicked his pen and went over the quiz.

Question 1: A shape that has four sizes and four angles.

Answer: Quadrilateral.

Bertholdt checkmarked.

Question 2: A quadrilateral that has two pairs of parallel sides.

Answer: Parallelogram.

Checkmark.

Question 3: A parallelogram where opposite angles are equal and all sides are parallel.

Answer: Rectangle.

_He confused the rhombus with a rectangle._

X mark.

He skimmed through the quiz and marked the final grade: 8/10.

“Here you go.” Bertholdt handed over the quiz. The boy gasped excitedly. He went from a 2/10 to an 8/10 in under an hour.

“You did well.” Bertholdt offered an encouraging smile. “But you confuse rhombuses with rectangles and viceversa. Just look at it this way: a rhombus has four equal sides, and a rectangle four equal angles.”

The boy nodded.

There was a knock on the door, making both tutor and student glance at the visitor.

“Is everything alright?” the kind, young woman, around twenty-seven, asked. A small girl, three years younger than the boy, was hidden behind the woman’s leg.

Bertholdt smiled. “Yes, Ms. Underwood. We’re making progress.” He ruffled the boy’s hair, which elicited a giggle.

He noticed the little girl. He leaned his head to his right, in order to see her more clearly.

“Hello, Reina.” He greeted politely.

The young girl blushed, gripping her mother’s leg. She didn’t want to greet back.

“Reina” her mother called softly. “Say hello.”

The girl tried to hide herself more. “Hello.”

Bertholdt smiled.

“Look mom, I got a better mark!” He excitedly shoved the worksheet on her face.

She crouched to level their height, the boy, standing, now somewhat taller. “That’s amazing, darling.” She hugged him.

The small girl was still hiding, now under the arc of the door, shyly observing the tall, strange man that sometimes came over to their house.

An alarm set off in the room. It was Bertholdt’s phone, indicating that time was up.

“It looks like it’s time for me to head out.” He announced, standing up, now towering over everyone in the room.

The boy frowned. “No!” he demanded, pulling his sleeve. “Let’s play!”

Bertholdt was about to kindly deny, but the boy’s mother interjected, asking him to wash up for lunch. The boy complied, albeit reluctantly.

“Goodbye, Mr. Bertholdt!” the boy waved, grabbing his worksheet—proudly bolting out of the room.

Bertholdt smiled, enlivening at the child’s politeness.

“See you soon, William.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for lunch?” the woman asked.

He held a palm up. “No, thank you, Ms. Underwood.” He denied politely.

She smiled, turning when noticing the small girl was still under the arc of the door, observing the two of them.

“Reina.” Her mother called. “You go wash up too, okay? It’s almost lunchtime.”

The girl didn’t budge. She was staring at the man towering over her mother.

It was quite obvious the girl had an innocent crush on the kind young man she didn’t know, but sometimes stopped by their house.  

“Reina.” Her mother called, a little bit louder this time. The girl was brought out of her trance and ran away.

“I’m sorry.” The mother apologised, although needlessly. “She does that sometimes.”

“No, it’s okay.”

They both walked out of the room, now towards the front door.

She stopped to lean over the couch, scouring through the purse on it. He glanced, without meaning to, at the modest body part under her lower back. He quickly averted his gaze when realising it, mentally scolding himself for being impolite.

The young woman found what she was looking for and walked towards the now flustered boy. She pulled out forty dollars, and handed them to him.

“Thank you so much.” She held his hands in gratitude. “His marks have really gone up since you’ve tutored him.”

He blushed. “I-it’s nothing, really. Some kids just don’t like to pay attention in class and prefer to learn in a more relaxed environment like their house. He does most of the work anyway.”

She smiled. “Don’t sell yourself short, you’re a good teacher.”

Bertholdt thanked her and waved goodbye.

He walked towards the car and stretched his back and legs before getting it. He sat down comfortably, and grabbed his phone to open WhatsApp.

 **Bertl (15:37 P.M.):**  
_Hey, I just finished with my first kid of the day. I’m heading over to the tenth grader I told you about, so I should arrive to Eren’s by six, seven at most._

 **Bertl (15:37 P.M.):  
** _Thank you soo much for letting me borrow your car, it’s been a life saver. I know you hate using uber, so yeah, thanks Rein xD_

He put his phone away and started the engine.

* * *

“Bless you!” said Armin for the fifth time.

He eyed Eren with concern.

“A-are you sure you should come with us tonight?”

He pushed Armin’s head back. “What the fuck is that question? Of course I can go with you!” It was evident his nose was stuffy, throat raspy, and his eyes were watery from the intense sneezing attack.

“I-I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come like this. You should take a day to rest.” Armin suggested.

“Bullshit.” Eren’s nose tickled, and his eyes watered more. “This was my idea, it’d be shitty if I didn’t go. Like, what do you want me to do?” he tried to open his eyes, but he failed miserably, being a blinking mess instead.

“Do you want me to stay here, bored as fuck, while you guys enjoy yourselves off **_my_** idea? Like what the fuck, Armin!” He reproached. “Missing one day out of eight is a huge fucking deal!”

Jean stuck his hands in his pockets, hanging his head in defeat. “Stop being so fucking stubborn, Jaeger. You’re ill, you'll feel shitty during the ride there, and honestly I don't feel like babysitting you.”

Eren was about to snipe back, but Jean spoke again before he could reproach.

“Reiner.” He begged. “Help me out here, man.”

Reiner crossed his arms. “It’s just a day, Eren. Relax for **_one_** day, then you can come the next.”

“Seriously?” Eren hissed. “What is wrong with you guys? It’s just a fucking cold! Missing one day is like throwing $255 in the trashcan. You guys are fucking dumb. _”_

Reiner chuckled. “What do you want me to say, man? You getting sick out of the blue isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s not to make you feel bad, but it’d be pretty annoying to baby you for an entire day.” He huffed. “You look and clearly feel like shit. One day should be enough for you to recuperate a bit.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense. One day or not I’ll still be sick.” Eren crossed his arms. “But fine. I’ll just stay here with Mikasa. She won’t go without me anyway.” He glared at her. “Right?”

She covered a blush with her scarf and averted eye contact. She didn’t want to stay.

“Right.” she responded quietly.

Eren smiled.

“Well,” Reiner yawned “now you won’t be alone.” He rubbed his eyes, now watery from the yawn. He was sleepy.

“When’s Bertl arriving anyway?” Jean asked, eyes subtly on the girl he used to love and still held underlying feelings for—noticing she didn’t want to stay.

“Eh,” Reiner tried to estimate, looking at his watch. “An hour, maybe? He said he’d be here at seven or something.”

Eren plopped on the couch. “Sweet!” his nose was stuffy and the hoarseness in his voice indicated there was phlegm in his throat. He was trying to hold down a cough. “We’ve got time to play some GTA while we wait for the others.” He grabbed the controller from the coffee table.

Jean walked to the kitchen to grab a beer. As he bent, he asked the juicy question whose response everyone was dying to know.

“So, uh.” He grabbed the beer and kicked the fridge shut, going back to the living room and sitting on the armchair, looking at the TV. “Is Annie still coming?”

There was a momentary silence. Eren grinned.

“Yeah. It’s not like she’s just gonna squander that money.”

“Oh.” Jean said.

There was a slight awkwardness in the air.

“This is gonna be weird.” Jean sipped.

“And that’s why I don’t want to miss it! It’s just a fucking cold. I don’t get why you guys are making such a fuss over it.” He started the game. “A lot of shit can happen in one night.” He sneezed so hard he felt his chest burst.

Armin perked up in concern. A couple of seconds passed, and he continued scrolling through Facebook on his mac, sitting at the dining table. Mikasa was sitting quietly on couch to the coffee table’s right. Reiner was beside her, texting.

“Mikasa,” Jean drew her attention. “He shouldn’t go, don’t you agree?”

He asked this in hopes Mikasa would agree with him. After all, she was quite crazy on the motherly department, and would insist on Eren staying home when he felt the slightest, dull hint of illness or pain. And, frankly, Jean didn’t want him to come, even if for only one night.

She lowered her scarf to reveal her mouth. “I think he should come with us.” she stated.

Everyone was surprised over the answer. Reiner leaned towards her and touched her forehead with the back of his palm, as one does when measuring someone’s body temperature.

“Are you feeling alright? Are you sick too?” Reiner asked in a dramatic tone.

Eren smiled, though he wasn’t looking at her. He was too busy running people over.

“I knew you’d have my back!”

“B-but he’s sick!” Jean reproached. “Don’t you think he should stay for his own good?”

“He should come with us.” She announced sternly, leaving no room for discussion.

Normally, Mikasa would agree that Eren stayed, and that she looked after him. But in the past few months, her social circle had been expanding, and so had her mind. Her life didn’t revolve around Eren anymore, and her lover, Belanor, was responsible for this. He fought tooth and nails only to be considered by her, and had to insist even harder just to be given a chance. In the end, it all worked out, and his opinion became crucial to her. He encouraged her to socialise more, and she complied.

She participated in girl’s nights with the girls from their group, as well as other friends from their school year. She had friends, and she liked the feeling. She was the weird one from the bunch, but to them, that was part of her charm.

Mikasa slowly began to feel less self-conscious about herself. Because she is abnormally strong, bears a stone face and shows no emotion to anyone, people tend to think of her as cold and unapproachable. But the truth was, underneath the alarming physical strength, she was **_still_** a woman. She was fragile, and self-conscious about typical things such as her body. Like with Annie, people dehumanised her so much that she never felt like a woman. Her new friends convinced her otherwise, and made her realise she deserved to be treated with as much care as any other lady, rather than a robot.

She liked this.

“Oh, well.” Jean shrugged, sipping his beer. His phone buzzed. He reached it from his pocket and read the WhatsApp message.

 **Ma freckles** **❤** **(17:23 P.M.):  
** _Hey I’m almost there!! There’s just a bit of traffic right now, let the others know_

 **Ma freckles** **❤** **(17:23 P.M.):  
** _Got da snacks with me right here btw :DD love you_ **❤**

Jean smiled and placed the beer on the coffee table to respond.

* * *

“That boy is as delusional as ever” the woman, sitting with her leg crossed on the couch, leaned towards the coffee table to ash her cigarette.

The man she was talking to, shirt wrinkled and his tie a mess, sipped his coffee. He had his back to her. He didn’t want her to see the obvious guilt in his face.

He refused to respond.

“Why did you even come back? What’s different?”

He took a couple of seconds to respond, savouring the bitter liquid in his mouth.

“He’s still my son. He should be in college in a couple of months. I don’t know, it's a new stage in his life. I thought it’d be fair to give him some closure, specially in case he leaves the city.” He slurped, still refusing to look at her.

She gave a toothy grin. “So, after all these years you finally have a guilty conscience.”

The cigarette smell engulfing the room made him feel disgusted.

“I guess so.”

“Hmph.” She puffed the smoke. “Not that I care, but you could have at least been a man and tell him upfront you had no interest in seeing him.” She chuckled. “You’re still the same old fart; your balls haven’t dropped yet.”

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.

“You’re also the same piece of shit.” She spat.

He opened his eyes, knowing where this was headed.

“You lied to me, to the poor bastard and now you’re lying to your precious wife, boy and little girl. Curiously enough,” she coughed, releasing a puff of smoke. “you cheated on the woman you cheated on me with, with me.” She laughed. “Now ain’t that something?”

He looked at her with contempt.

“I have issues, but you are just as bad.” She smiled.

He chose to be the bigger person and ignore her insults, despite the anger they awoke in him.

“When are you gonna call him?” she looked at her nails.

He stared at her blankly.

“Tomorrow.”

* * *

Bertholdt smiled. The sight unfolding in front of him filled him with awe and excitement. His current student, Ada Mikelic, didn’t care in the slightest. Her five-year-old brother, Dante, was plastering kisses all over his father’s cheek as he was carried. He hadn’t seen him in two days, so seeing his father again made the boy unbelievably happy.

The wonderful bond between these two made Bertholdt grin from ear to ear. He was excited to know he’d be able to reunite with his father like that. He tried calling him twice today, but he didn’t pick up. He’ll try again later.

“Sorry about the noise” the father laughed, directing himself politely to Bertholdt. He was visibly confused over the boy’s presence.

“This is Bertholdt, Ada’s chemistry tutor” the mother explained.

“Ah” he responded, gently dropping Dante. He extended his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Bertholdt returned the gesture, smiling politely. “Likewise, sir.”

The father couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. “You look a tad too young, though. Are you a teacher, or do you just help out fellow classmates?”

Bertholdt felt nervous over the questioning.

“Y-yes, I help out students on my senior or below that need it. I graduated already, though.” He explained.

“Ah, I see.” the father responded, folding his coat. “Well, Bertholdt, I hope we can see some good results. Her field definitely isn’t chemistry.” He joked. The girl’s reaction was to roll her eyes rudely.

Bertholdt wasn’t sure what to respond, so he subtly checked his phone. It was almost six. Just a couple more minutes and he’d be able to go to Eren’s.

He was excited for tonight. Eren suggested, four months ago, that each person from the group saved up money to rent a cabin for the first week of winter break. This would be their last year as school students, though now recently graduated. They wanted to end it properly.

Some of them, such as Annie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Krista and Ymir, collected the money on their own, as they had part-time jobs; while most of them borrowed the money from their parents. They saw it as a _“graduation gift._ ”

He was excited, alright. But he was nervous, and scared. Annie would be there. So would Reiner. What was going to happen? Annie and Reiner hadn’t met since “it” happened. She hated both their guts, even though the tension between Bertholdt and her seemed to ease up a bit.

He wondered if this would, somehow, ruin the week.

“Hey,” Ada drew his attention. “I’m done.” She handed over her sheet, looking away with a slight blush on her cheeks.

He offered a polite smile. “R-right.”

* * *

**_20:17 P.M._ **

There was a knock on the door, which quieted the voices in the living room.

Eren stood up. His parents were already home, so he figured it was the four girls they had been expecting.

Bertholdt’s heart was pounding in his chest; he felt dizzy.

Eren opened the door.

“Yeah, finally!” he yelled, throat raspy. His first instinct was to hug Krista and kiss her cheek. Ymir flicked his forehead, which made him pull away and rub the spot.

“Lay off, creep.” She hugged Krista protectively, though it was evident she was just being playful. “You’ll get my goddess sick.” She kissed her head. Krista grinned.

Sasha peeked her head and noticed the bagged snacks on the counter. She walked in excitedly, the other three girls followed.

Bertholdt wanted to throw up, knowing one of the girls walking in was Annie. He couldn’t get his eyes off the door. Meanwhile, Reiner chose to avert his gaze from it, quickly forcing conversation with Marco. He wasn’t ready for this.

The girls laid their baggage on the floor, and everyone started greeting them.

Annie was on sight.

She made eye contact with Bertholdt. The sight of the boy she loved momentarily made her forget of her resentment and hurt. Her expression threatened to soften, and she wanted to offer him a smile, but her pride was still much too wounded. She averted her gaze instead, and found Reiner. Time stopped moving for her, and felt her body tense up. Annie instinctively gritted her teeth, stopping herself from jumping on him and beating his ass.

He didn’t have the courage or decency to look at her. His cowardly behaviour infuriated her.

**_AN HOUR PRIOR._ **

Eren sat leaning forward, resting both elbows on his legs, holding his hands. He nodded.

“Alright,” he sniffed. “sounds good to me.”

Bertholdt asked the favour to everyone present of leaving him and Annie alone in the cabin on the third day. He wanted to have a heart-to-heart, apologise and make up with her. He needed the two of them to be in good terms.

His father’s sudden appearance made him realise his life was embarking a new direction. New things were happening—good things. With New Year’s lurking around the corner, he had a list of the things he wanted to do, and the things he wanted to change. Before the year ended, he wanted closure in every wound in his life. He wanted to bury the pain, and start over.

Reiner felt scared over the request. He didn't want to risk losing Bertholdt to Annie again. He didn't want them to get close. He wanted to persuade Bertholdt and tell him it was a bad idea—persuade him that Annie wouldn’t forgive him, so he might as well give up. But he couldn’t.

This wasn’t about him anymore.

**_CURRENT TIMELINE._ **

Carla and Grisha were lecturing Eren in the hall, while Jean, Marco and Armin cheered on Reiner, and Krista, Ymir and Sasha cheered on Mikasa. They were fighting against each other on Mortal Kombat X. Much like in real life, Mikasa had the upper-hand.

Annie was coming back from the bathroom, and Bertholdt sat alone on the couch, observing the scene. He had felt fine all day, until he saw Annie. Now he felt horribly sad.

She stopped for a moment, looking at him. He felt her eyes on him, which made him want to tear up.

Annie walked towards him. He looked at the floor, heart pounding.

She sat next to him casually, as if nothing was wrong between them. She looked at the TV, no emotion to be deciphered on her face. He gripped the couch’s cushion with his left hand in panic and anxiety.

His cheeks burned, eyebrows rose and lips parted when feeling Annie entwining her pinky with his.


	28. The x Cabin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! It's funny because on chapter 11 I said "oh, we're almost done!", then I uploaded eleven more chapters. On chapter 22 I said, yet again, "we're almost done!", and I've uploaded six chapters since then.
> 
> I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS WILL BE OVER, I'M SORRY.
> 
> If you enjoyed the chapter or have been enjoying the story, make sure to leave kudos, a comment, or a bookmark, WHATEVER YOU WANT. Every ounce of support counts, because it helps me realise there's people reading, haha.
> 
> Okay, end of note! I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE CHAPTER.

Krista kissed Reiner’s cheek, thanking him. He had just carried thirty pounds worth of luggage as if it were nothing, which was fairly normal for him, but impressed her nevertheless. Still, he wondered what the hell was in there that weighted so much. It’s just eight days, after all.

Eren blankly observed Krista’s gesture of affection, his nose tickling. Reiner and Krista were so affectionate towards each other, he dared to say they appeared to be more of a couple than Krista and Ymir did.

_I wonder if they’ve ever fucked._

He couldn’t prevent the image of Krista and Reiner getting it on from popping in his head. He scolded himself for being perverted.

“Alright,” Bertholdt wiped the sweat off his forehead with his sleeve. He was done strapping some of the luggage on top of the SUVs.  “everything’s ready.”

“So,” Reiner crossed his arms. “let’s recapitulate. Who’s riding with whom?”

Sasha tapped her chin. “Girls with girls and boys with boys?”

Krista clung to Reiner’s arm. “I want to ride with Reiner.” Ymir felt undeniably annoyed over the gesture. Krista’s constant initiation of physical contact with Reiner bothered her—she didn’t know if it was jealousy. All she knew was that she hated it.

“O-okay.” Reiner smiled. “Mikasa, I take it you’ll ride in whatever car Eren’s on?”

Mikasa blinked.

“I liked the idea of girls with girls, but I’m okay with either.”

Eren rose a brow, surprised she didn’t suggest riding with him to begin with. He shrugged it off.

They continued discussing; Krista, Ymir, Eren and Reiner in one SUV, Jean, Marco, Mikasa and Armin in the other. The only ones left were Annie, Sasha and Bertholdt.

“Bertl.” Reiner called softly. This made Annie gaze at Reiner. He ignored her, feeling nervous under her stare. “Are you riding with us?”

Bertholdt didn’t care about which SUV to ride on. He just wanted to be with Annie.

“I-I” he stuttered, thinking of an answer. Sasha noticed his hesitation, so she voiced whom she wanted to ride with to give him some extra seconds to think. Bertholdt was thankful for this.

“I’ll ride with Armin!” she bolted towards the three boys and Mikasa, hugging the latter from behind. The unexpected gesture made Mikasa blush.

Annie and Bertholdt remained.

She moved a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ll ride with Armin too.”

Bertholdt replied, almost immediately. “C-can I ride with you guys too?”

Reiner felt sad.

She looked at him, expression as blank as ever. Bertholdt wanted to hug her tightly and never let her go. He missed her.

“And have seven people in one car?” she asked, as if what he had suggested was illogical. “That sounds too cramped. If you want to ride with Armin, go ahead. I’ll ride with Eren, to make things more comfortable.”

Bertholdt tried to hide a frown. He took this as a clear response: “ _I don’t want you in the same car as me.”_

But then, why did she hold his pinky? That was supposed to be **_their_** gesture of comfort. Didn’t that mean they were okay, even if faintly?

“O-okay. I’ll ride with Reiner.” He muttered.

She blinked. “Then let’s go. I want to get in the jacuzzi already.” She headed towards the SUV and got in.

They all started moving to their respective cars.

“I can’t wait to see Ymir in a bikini.” Bertholdt jested timidly. He felt the need to make that joke, for some reason. It wasn’t a joke entirely, though. He did want to see Ymir like that. He was more mentally perverted than people thought.

Jean brought his fist to his mouth and laughed.

Ymir’s eyes widened, a blush tinging her cheeks. “Idiot. Don’t you feel embarrassed saying these things? You creep.”

Bertholdt offered a shy smile.

Slight giggles from the joke ceasing, Eren chose to announce, “ _I call shotgun!”,_ as he pushed and ran over his friends, quickly getting in the passenger seat of SUV 1, where Krista, Ymir, Bertholdt, Reiner and he would be.

Bertholdt looked back before entering the vehicle, eyeing Annie.

* * *

“It really is as good as it looked online!” Eren laughed excitedly, releasing a short cough at the end of his sentence. He walked, circling his body while looking up and admiring the cabin.

Bertholdt was still outside, taking in the gorgeous view. It must look even better during the day. He closed his eyes and softly breathed in, feeling the icy cold air fill his lungs. The warmth of his body provided by his coat and the bitter cold entering his lungs made for an enchanting combination.

“How beautiful.” Annie muttered. Berthold opened his eyes, quickly glancing to his right, and didn’t find the source of the voice. He turned to his left, and there she was, staring at the sky.

“There’s almost no light pollution at all.”

His expression softened.

“Yeah.” He continued looking at her. “How beautiful.”

Both boy and girl stood in silence. She looked at the sky, admiring the stars, while the boy didn’t even bother being subtle; he stared at her, wanting to take in no other view at that moment.

“Sorry, coming through!” Sasha broke the silence, close to walking past them. She was dragging a heavy duffle bag, clearly struggling while doing so.

“Hey, wait!” Bertholdt stopped her. “You’re going to hurt your back. Let me carry it.” He bent to hold the strap and carried the bag on his shoulder, as though it weighted nothing.

“B-Bertholdt!” she yelled, hugging him tightly. “You’re so nice! Eren didn’t even try to help!” she screeched in disbelief over Eren’s lack of chivalry.

Bertholdt grinned. “Well, Eren’s kind of a cunt. I’m sure any of the other guys would have tried to help.” He winked at her.

Annie wanted to smile. Flashbacks of Bertholdt carrying her over his shoulder while spanking her butt came to mind. She remembered when she’d throw a fit over something they argued about, and he’d simply hold her and throw her over his shoulder. She’d usually start smacking his back, but eventually gave in and laughed.

She loved him so much, and she was still so hurt.

* * *

The cabin was a gorgeous lodge located in the mountains—mountains covered with a rug of trees visible during the day; leaves green, scarlet, orange, and pink. Unfortunately, winter was lurking dangerously close, so the colourful sight would soon be gone.

The amenities ranged from pool tables, a home theatre with various luxurious sofa seats and hot tubs, to a well-decorated bar, and a game-room. Of course, there were more things, but these stuck out the most for the little group. It was all **_so_** gorgeous. If there was any tension in anyone before coming here, it was now gone.

A phone rang, and as everyone tried to identify the ringtone, Mikasa excused herself to the patio. It was most likely Belanor, wanting to check up on her.

“So,” Reiner comfortably plopped on the sofa with a groan. “what should we do now?”

Eren sneezed.

“Bless you.” said Bertholdt, as he scoured through his bag with one knee to the floor.

“Thanks.” He rubbed his nose. “We should watch a film or something. Or drink, I dunno.”

“Eh…” Jean mumbled as he bent to lit up the fireplace. “It’s 1 A.M. Kinda too late to start drinking after all these hours of driving. We should just unpack and get crazy tomorrow.” He stood and dusted his hands off, facing Eren. “There’s a pecking order, you know. Your first thought shouldn’t be to get drunk off your stupid ass.”

Reiner looked down at his phone as he miserably failed to hold down a laugh. Everyone else humorously smiled as they kept doing what they were doing, except for Eren. Eren was gritting his teeth.

“Shut the fuck up.” Is all he managed to say, crossing his arms. “Whatever.”

Jean smirked, knowing that he won the imaginary fight.

* * *

Bertholdt sat on the bed, looking at his phone in disappointment, a folded pair of sweatpants resting on his lap. He had called his father a total of six times today, and he had never picked up.

Perhaps he was just busy. Perhaps.

He got off the bed, about to leave with the sweatpants that were mixed up in Eren’s bag. That’s when the bathroom door opened.

Bertholdt was greeted with the sight of a humid Reiner, holding a towel against his waist with his right hand, and drying his hair with a hand towel with the left. Bertholdt tightly clutched his phone. Had real life been an anime show, he would be having a massive nosebleed right now.

He was frozen in place when Reiner noticed him.

Reiner’s expression remained calm, but he was surprised over the unexpected visitor. “Bertl? What are you doing here?”

Bertholdt continued staring. Sure, he had seen his muscular and… well-endowed friend countless times, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t amaze him every time. That, plus the unexpectedness of the situation and the humidity on his body made him all the more irresistible.

Reiner continued drying his hair, waiting for an answer.

“I-I was just getting my sweatpants. Eren mistook them as his in the laundry basket yesterday.” He chuckled nervously. “And don’t ask me why, our sizes are totally different,” he rubbed the back of his neck “s-so I’m not sure why he had them to b-begin with.”

He was a stuttering mess because the boy in front of him was absolutely, and undeniably fucking **_hot._**

Reiner didn’t even try to hold back the grin forming on his face.

“I see.” He hung the towel on the back of his neck, holding it from the sides.

“Well, I’ll be on my way, then.” Bertholdt announced, now beneath the arc of the door, when he felt a tender grip on his wrist. He faced Reiner.

“Don’t go.” Reiner begged softly.

 _“Don’t go.”_ For some reason, these words paired with his soft tone reminded him of the night Reiner confessed. The way he approached him in desperation, calling his name—resting his head on his shoulder, then groping him. Bertholdt, since then, associated the gentle tone with bad news.

Bertholdt’s lips parted. “Why?”

Their faces were too close.

_Please, get off me... please, put your face away..._

Reiner frowned. “Keep me company, Bertl.” He stopped eye contact for a couple of seconds, then resumed it. “We don’t hang out much anymore. Just stay here for a bit.”

Bertholdt's expression was ambiguous. Was it soft or was it hesitant? Was it warm towards Reiner, or reluctant of complying to his request?

He was mad. He was still **_so_** mad at Reiner. So hurt, so ** _disgusted_**. He wanted to reconcile, but he couldn't find it in himself to take the second step (if Reiner chose to initiate), much less the first. The more days passed, the harder it was for him to be alone with him. And he hadn't been alone with him, because the idea itself brewed **_disgust_** in his core. His priority was Annie, to make up with Annie, but every attempt was futile, as she refused confrontation every time. The sudden appearance of Bertholdt's father made him believe a new stage in his life was beginning. And, to baptise such stage, he wanted to let go of all hard feelings and conflicts; to start forgiving and changing.

And he was willing to do it. He was willing to let go of all resentments; but not of Reiner. He wasn't willing, deep in his heart, to forgive Reiner.

Even if he wanted to.

“Okay.” He smiled.

So, why was he doing ** _this_**?

He closed the door and plopped back on the bed, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the wiggling caused from the impact.

Reiner smiled fondly. He loved this boy so much.

He began to unwrap the towel from his waist when Bertholdt spoke up.

“So,”

Reiner’s butt was visible. Bertholdt, unknowingly, looked.

“Uh…”

Reiner caught him staring. “Dude!” he covered himself. “Don’t look.” He demanded, although playfully.

Bertholdt only looked at Reiner as one would look at someone during a conversation. He didn’t do it to pry, although he doesn’t regret it.

“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to.” He sat up on his elbows, smirking. “But it’s nothing I haven’t seen before, don’t be a little bitch.”

Reiner smiled over the insult and threw the towel at Bertholdt’s face, “ _freeing the dick_.”

Bertholdt wanted to eat him.

“So, what?” Reiner asked, putting his boxers on.

Bertholdt lay back down. “So what?” he asked.

“You were about to say something before you stared at my perfect ass, dipshit.” He chuckled.

Bertholdt flipped him off, much to Reiner’s amusement.

“So, what do you think of the cabin?” he placed both arms behind his head.

Reiner put deodorant on.

“It’s fucking cool.” He smiled. “Worth every penny.”

Bertholdt hummed in agreement.

Should Reiner go for it now? Things are far from well between the two, but right now the ambiance was fairly relaxed. There were still things he needed to discuss, things he wanted to ask and know. But if he mentioned them, would he ruin the moment? Would he fuck everything up if he mentioned **_it_**? All he could do was ask as casually as he could.

“Bertl” he called, putting his sweatpants on.

Bertholdt eyed him. “Hm?”

“We haven’t really talked about what happened, and I’m not sure where we stand. You’re still living with Eren for the time being, and we haven’t hung out at all… would you be okay talking about it?” he asked casually and sincerely.

Bertholdt blinked. He wanted to stand up and leave right then and there. “Not right now. But in a couple of days, yeah.” He offered, lying to both Reiner and himself.

The answer, however, was enough to put Reiner at ease. He believed Bertholdt, whereas Bertholdt didn't even believe **_himself_**.

The blond smiled. “Alright, gotcha.”

Bertholdt’s expression turned to a frown, making Reiner’s smile disappear.

“What’s wrong?” Reiner asked. “Was it something I said?” He couldn’t help but retrace his steps to remember what he said. Did he say something to fuck up?

Bertholdt sat up. “Can I hug you?”

Oh, it was just that. Typical Bertholdt.

_What are you, stupid? Of course you can hug me. You can kiss me, you can do anything you want to me. You could even spit on me and I’d love you for it. You don’t have to ask if you can hug me, why are you so polite and adorable?_

“Yeah, man.” He made a come-hither motion, extending his arms.

Bertholdt bolted to him and tightly embraced him. Reiner felt his breathing on his ear. Bertholdt sighed, his chin resting on his friend’s shoulder. They remained in that position for almost a full minute, and Reiner felt nothing but warmth. Nothing but comfort. He wanted to express his feelings and tell the emerald-eyed boy how **_much_** he loved him.

But Bertholdt didn't feel the same ease Reiner did.

 _No... this won't do. This doesn't feel right..._ He thought, face visibly uncomfortable.

No, he didn't feel the same ease. He felt nothing but **_revulsion._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is just a note to those who are new to the story and read this chapter prior to me editing it: I changed the Reiner hug and expanded Bertholdt's mindset. Before, it was very fluffy, but I didn't think that felt right. I needed to show that, yes, they hugged, but that doesn't mean things are right or anywhere near okay between them. So, now it's deeper in the sense that it shows Bertholdt's unmasked state of mind. I'm mentioning this because a commenter said "that was the best ReiBert hug" they had read, so if someone reads the edited version now, then that comment, it would be rather weird, lol. So, yeah, just a clarification.


	29. Truth x Or x Dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel the last chapter was quite dull, so I chose to upload this one quickly to "compensate." I hope it doesn't disappoint, as it's supposed to be light-hearted :) I like the next chapter a lot, so I have my fingers crossed in hopes you guys will love it when it's out!
> 
> If you're enjoying the story so far, make sure to leave kudos or a comment, any bit of support counts! It's always nice to see if there's an active reader for your story.

“ _And the road becomes my bride, I have stripped of all but pride, so in her I do confide!_ ” Eren gulped a shot, halting his singing.

It was horrible, to say the least. His throat was raspy and his voice cracked every now and then, resulting in a hilarious croon. His nose was stuffed too, so he had to stop every couple of seconds to pant for air.

While Eren sang sitting on the arm of the couch next to the patio door, Mikasa observed, smiling at him. Bertholdt and Armin played pool against each other, as Marco, Reiner and Jean cheered them on. Annie was reading manga outside, sitting on a chair—observing the landscape. Ymir, Krista, and Sasha accompanied her, drinking.

The patio door was open, so they were all able to see and hear each other clearly. The sunset engulfed the cabin.

It was almost nighttime.

A cold gust of wind blew into the cabin, giving everyone goosebumps. Annie shivered, rubbing her arms to provide heat.

“Maybe it’s time to head inside.” She sat up, directing herself to the three girls. “It’s getting dark and cold.” She closed her manga book.

They agreed, and the patio door was shut.

Annie gently slapped the back of Eren’s head. “Stop that music. It’s getting annoying.” She demanded.

Eren hissed at her, but complied, muting his phone.

Bertholdt leaned over the pool table, holding the cue gracefully. The boy was quite the expert at the game. He was both destroying and humbly coaching Armin.

Ymir wrapped her arm around Krista’s neck. “We’re going to watch something in the home theatre. Anyone care to join?”

Bertholdt hit the ball, scoring two points. “I’d like to.” He stood up.

“I guess you win again.” Armin said with a disappointed smile. Bertholdt placed his hand on his shoulder and politely smiled at him.

Everyone agreed to join in.

* * *

“I’m done!” Reiner rubbed his eyes. “If I watch one more episode, I’m going to have square eyes."

Bertholdt brought his fist to his mouth and chuckled.

“I know exactly what we should do!” Eren announced, standing up.

Jean’s eyes sunk. “Drink?”

Eren flipped him off before he could make a snide remark. “Yeah. Let’s sit on the living room and drink. Story time, chat. Whatever.”

Everyone agreed it was a decent idea. They gathered around the living room, and Eren came back from the kitchen with a bottle of vodka, a bag of red plastic cups under his arm. He held two large Dorito packets with his other hand. “Alright.” He dropped the bag. “It’s bonding time.” He smiled.

The boys were dressed casually, some of them fashioned their swimsuits, since they hung on the swimming pool hours prior. The girls wore their bikinis underneath their tank tops and shorts.

They reminisced and gossiped for over an hour, most of them starting to feel tipsy from the drinking. Marco and Jean excused themselves, everyone pretty clear on what they were going to do. This elicited giggles and teasing, and one thing led to another. Now the tide took a different turn, to the typical teenage game of truth or dare.

“Alright,” Reiner grinned, clapping once. “let’s do it.”

“How’s it gonna work?” Eren asked. “Do we spin a bottle or like assign a random person?”

Ymir leaned back, resting on her arms. “Let’s spin a bottle, I guess.”

Eren stood up and rummaged through the kitchen, looking for an empty bottle. He couldn’t find one. He found a pencil on the counter next to a notepad and grabbed it.

“Couldn’t find a bottle, but I found this.” He spun the pencil.

“Seriously?” Reiner asked.

He feigned throwing the pencil at him. “Any better ideas?”

Reiner shrugged.

Innocent questions were asked, but most people had consumed enough alcohol to become slightly sexually interested in each other, making the game take a mature turn.

It was Ymir’s turn. She had to ask Bertholdt.

She smirked.

“Truth or dare?” she asked.

Bertholdt felt nervous. It was too soon to do a dare, so he chose to admit something for the time being.

“Truth.” He leaned forward, cross-legged, resting his elbows on his legs.

 “When was the last time you jerked off?”

Bertholdt perked up over the question, his eyes widening immensely. “Y-Ymir!” he reproached.

Her question elicited a laugh from everyone, except Annie, who was trying to hold it in.

“You picked truth.” She crossed her arms.

He covered his eyes, feeling his cheeks burn. “After we came back from hiking in the morning.”

Eren laughed, throwing a dorito at him. “It’s a stupid question, don’t get all nervous.” He chewed.

It was Eren’s turn. He had to ask Reiner.

“Oh shit!” Eren exclaimed. Now was his chance to know the one question he **_needed_** to know. How convenient it was his turn.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” Reiner leaned on his right hand.

“Okay,” Eren began. “before all of this, since things have taken a weird turn, do we have everyone’s consent to ask some freaky shit?”

They agreed.

“Okay.” He smiled. “Then,” he laughed nervously. “have you and Krista ever fucked?”

Ymir’s eyes widened. How dare he?

Reiner looked at both Ymir and Krista, to see what they wanted him to do. Krista looked at Ymir, which made the latter sigh, already knowing what the answer was.

There was silence and tension in the air. Bertholdt felt a strange sensation in his chest—he didn’t know if it was jealousy or disappointment. The tense atmosphere clearly divulged the answer to that question.

Eren twiddled his thumbs nervously.

There was still silence. Krista whispered something in Ymir’s ear, making the latter look away. She refused to glance at Reiner, clear annoyance in her expression. Her reaction was making Eren wonder if he shouldn't have asked anything at all, and if he should change the course of the game immediately before the atmosphere was ruined.

Despite Ymir's reaction, Krista nodded at Reiner, giving him the go.

Reiner rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah.” responding at last.

His answer filled the room with " _oh's_ " and giggles.

Eren stood up abruptly, screaming in laughter. “I so knew it!” His cheeks were a healthy shade of pink, clearly indicating the alcohol was starting to kick in.

Bertholdt wanted to laugh at his reaction, but couldn't. He didn't know how to feel, wondering why Reiner never told him this before. He found it strange, but he guessed it was a good thing. Thinking Reiner liked Krista always killed him, but there was never a confirmation to his suspicions. After Krista announced she and Ymir were dating, the only one who knew being Reiner, he thought he never liked her to begin with, and it was only Bertholdt being crazy. But had he known they slept together before, he would have never let it go, and who knows what kind of fit Bertholdt would have thrown.

After everyone settled down, the noise subsiding, they resumed.

It was Sasha’s turn. She had to ask Bertholdt.

“Seriously?” Bertholdt yelled, both hands extending to the bottle in questioning. “Again?”

Sasha chewed a dorito. “Truth or dare?”

He sighed in defeat. “Dare.”

“Oh God.” Armin hung his head back. “What are you going to make him do?” It was only natural for him to ask this. Sasha was known for her weird, sometimes freaky, dares.

“Take your shirt off and give Mikasa a lapdance!” she exclaimed.

That was quite tame, but Mikasa blushed furiously over her boldness nevertheless.

Bertholdt stood up and took his shirt off, revealing his olive, muscular abdomen. Reiner and Annie wanted to salivate over the sight.

“Wait, you’re actually going for it?” Ymir shrieked. “That’s fucking hilarious!” she clapped, leaning her body forward in laughter.

“Mikasa,” he asked, the shy boy gone thanks to the alcohol. “Do I have your consent?”

Her eyes widened. She brought her scarf up to her nose and looked to the side. “Don’t make it sound like we’re going to do something else.”

 _This is so inappropriate._ She blushed

“It’s not cheating,” Eren interjected “if that’s what you’re thinking.” He gulped down his drink.

Mikasa hesitated. She was inexperienced and didn’t know how relationships worked. She didn’t know what was considered cheating and what wasn’t. When she asked Ymir, the latter claimed that if she thought of doing something that she wouldn’t want Belanor to do, then it was cheating or close to it. Right now, she didn’t think of a girl giving Belanor a lapdance, she thought of Bertholdt playfully giving him one, which didn’t bother her. This made her believe it was okay to accept the dare.

While she was smart in general, she was very socially oblivious and simple-minded.

“O-okay.” She consented.

“Give me some music!” Bertholdt demanded.

“I have the perfect song!” Armin declared. “It’s really freaking good, it’s from GTA V.” He crawled towards the coffee table and grabbed his phone.

“Hurry up, Armin!” Sasha demanded. “It’s not polite to keep a lady waiting.” She looked at Mikasa and grinned.

A minute passed, and everyone was growing impatient.

“Jesus, Armin” Reiner complained. “What’s taking so long? You just have to find a song. Hurry it up, will you?”

“Let’s just clap and chant.” Eren suggested.

“No!” Armin shouted. “I found it!”

He played “ _Scandalous_ ” by Miss-Teeq.

Bertholdt listened to the rhythm, bobbing his head. He was feeling the song.

Eren rocked his upper body from side to side. “That’s hella good.” He complimented.

Annie brought her legs to her chest, chin resting on her knees. She bore an amused expression.

Bertholdt smiled. He spun the shirt as a cowboy spins a rope, slowly circling his hips. He threw the shirt at Mikasa after spinning it five times. She jolted, catching it with ease. She brought her scarf down and chuckled.

Ymir and Krista couldn’t stop laughing.

Bertholdt wasn’t sure how to be sexy for her, so he chose to be playful instead. He approached her and turned his back to her. He bent forward slightly, looking back at her flirtingly. He moved his hips and slapped his bottom, eliciting a laugh from her.

He turned to face her. The music was starting to make him feel sexy. He brought his arms up, bending them. He rocked his hips, her expression drawing a laugh out of him. He tightened his core to accentuate his six pack.

Mikasa looked to the side, covering her mouth to hide her grin from him. She pushed his abdomen back with her free hand as a playful gesture that said “ _stop._ ”

Bertholdt crouched, wanting to do the move where the stripper crouches sexily and immediately stands up, but his height stopped him from accomplishing it. When he tried lifting his torso, he lost his balance and fell straight on his buttocks. This made everyone crack up.

He wasn’t even embarrassed. He sat up and kneeled in front of Mikasa. He placed his hand on her thigh and rested his forehead against her knee, laughing.

“I’m sorry” he apologised, red as a tomato. “I suck at this.”

The laughter made tears form at the corners of Mikasa’s eyes. She covered her face with her scarf in embarrassment.

Armin stopped the song and they took a moment to calm down. Bertholdt brought beers from the kitchen and cracked one open. He sipped.

It was Krista’s turn. Her target was Armin.

He felt relieved because he knew Krista wouldn’t ask him to do freaky shit.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” He held his hands.

Eren pushed his head back. “Don’t be a pussy, Armin. Choose dare!” he commanded.

They argued for a couple of seconds, until Armin gave in and repicked.

“Dare.”

Krista tapped her chin and grinned. “Kiss Eren!”

“Huh!?” Armin jolted.

Mikasa perked up. This isn’t something she’d hate to see.

“No, no way!” he refused profusely. “What’s my penalty?”

“Oh, come on.” Reiner rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a coward.”

Annie’s eyes shifted from Eren to Armin.

“N-no, that’s weir—“ he wasn’t able to finish his sentence, as Eren grabbed the back of his head and placed his lips against Armin’s for a good five seconds. He pulled back.

“See? It wasn’t that bad.” He sipped his beer and licked his lips.

Armin was speechless.

They hurriedly spoke about what just happened, when moans coming from upstairs interrupted them. They laughed, though that only served to turn on some of them.

It was Reiner’s turn. His target was Ymir.

He smiled devilishly. “Truth or dare?”

His smile made her think she shouldn’t pick dare at all. “Truth.”

His smile bloomed into a grin.

“Shit.” Ymir spoke up, regretfully. “What the fuck are you going to ask?”

Reiner faked an evil laugh.

“Out of all the guys in the group, who’s the one you wouldn’t mind fucking?”

Eren brought a leg to his chest, resting an arm on his knee. “She’s gay as hell, bro.” he sipped his beer. “She’ll probably pick Armin because he looks like Krista.”

Armin gasped. “I-I do not!” he sniped.

Bertholdt cupped his own chin. “Actually, you do.” He released a hearty “ _ha!_ ”, and ran fingers through his hair. “Beware of Armin, the trap. Trap **_Arlert_**!” he laughed at his own pun. “Get it? **_Arlert_**.” His joke was received with _“please shut up_ ” smiles, but Reiner and Krista thought he was absolutely hilarious, and loved him for it. Annie tried to convince herself she didn’t feel tingly inside.

But she failed, she couldn’t hold back her chuckle. She giggled like, what Bertholdt considered, an angel. He felt immensely proud for making her laugh.

“Hey!” Sasha interrupted. “Stop distracting! I want to know her answer.” Her eyes were curious, as she munched on a dorito.  

They waited intently, staring at Ymir.

She rolled her eyes, trying to sound cool and collected, but it was evident she was timid. “I’ll do a penalty.” She crossed her arms, looking at Reiner.

 “Aw” Eren puckered. “I was kinda hoping she’d reply saying it was me.”

Ymir huffed. “Not in a million years, cunt.” She smirked.

“Hm.” Reiner tapped his chin. “You’ve been a bad girl by pussying out, so your punishment is to sit on my lap for the next two rounds.”

Krista clapped in laughter.

Ymir feigned a gag. “That’s one hell of a punishment, Braun.” she crawled towards him and sat on his lap, deliberately applying force in order to inflict slight pain.

“Ow.” He chose to get back at her by pissing her off with the one way he knew best. He hugged her from behind, groping her hips. “That hurt. Be nice to me.”

She ** _hated_** Reiner’s affections.

She elbowed him on the chest. “Stop that.”

He held his hands up in the air. “Alright, alright.”

Bertholdt wished he was in Reiner’s position right now.

It was Annie’s turn. Her target was Sasha.

“Oh, shit!” Eren shook his hand in excitement.

Armin leaned forward, curious to what Annie would ask or dare.

“Truth or dare?”

“Um” Sasha tried to decide. “Truth.”

“Have you ever tried anal?” Annie went straight to the point.

Bertholdt snorted. Mikasa blushed, the word alone making her feel incredibly weird. She was too innocent and inexperienced.

“Annie!” Sasha grabbed and threw a cushion at her. Annie chuckled.

“Well?” Krista asked curiously.

“No!” Sasha yelled. “Guys, I’m not like that.” She blushed.

Reiner was inclined to believe her. She was beautiful, but he couldn’t imagine someone like Sasha having sex. It was like with Mikasa—she has a boyfriend, but it’s still unimaginable for him to picture her in such a vulnerable position.

Ymir aw’d at the response, getting off Reiner’s lap to hug Sasha tightly. “So cute!”

Krista joined in the hug, partly to mock Sasha. That’s when Annie joined in as well.

Bertholdt crawled up to the four girls and wrapped his arms around them. Annie gasped in surprise.

“So innocent.” He faked a cry. “Do you want me to change that?”

Annie’s eyes widened. Reiner and Eren were laughing **_hard._** The alcohol was clearly getting to him.

Sasha didn’t know what to say.

Ymir pushed Bertholdt’s chest back with a grin. “Stop being disgusting, Bertl-san.”

He didn’t even know if he was being serious or not. Probably both.

Reiner stood up, taking his shirt off. “We should take this to the hot tub.” He suggested. “My ass is starting to go numb from sitting on the floor.” His expression changed to that of a slightly seductive one. “I’m sure all of you could use the steam too.”

Annie wanted to punch, what she used to consider, his perfect jawline.

“How are we going to spin the pencil there?” Armin asked, giggling over how stupid that sounded.

“We can just assign a random person and a random target, then their target will be next and so forth.” Annie suggested, standing up too. Her need of wanting to roundhouse kick Reiner was minimised due to the alcohol and fun times. She still hated him, though.

“Sure.” Eren happily accepted, standing up with a lot of effort, as everyone else scurried away. He felt dizzy, and Mikasa held his arm with care to help him up.

“Eren,” she called in concern. “are you okay?”

He pulled his arm back. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He groaned and coughed, his throat burning.

“Are you sure?” she asked, gently holding his arm again. “Do you need another ibuprofen?” she dragged him towards the kitchen to scour through the first-aid kit.

Bertholdt was the only one left in the living room; who stayed to help Eren before Mikasa beat him to it, observing the situation.

“I told you, you shouldn’t have drunk tonight. You’ll continue dehydrating yourself, you should go to bed now.” She grabbed the first-aid kit from the cabinet, looking for a packet of advil or aleve—anything that might ease his pain. She used her right hand to scour through the kit, her left still holding Eren close to her.

He pulled his arm back again, this time aggressively. “I said I’m fine!” he walked away, mouthing “ _Jesus.”_ He patted Bertholdt’s shoulder as he walked past him. “Watcha still doing here, Bertl? Let’s go.”

“R-right.” He responded, looking at Mikasa. She was looking down, holding her scarf to her nose. She was putting the kit’s contents back in.

He walked towards her and, without saying a thing, helped her.

Bertholdt couldn’t believe how Eren didn’t appreciate having someone care about him and look after his well-being. Mikasa was an exceptional woman, and Bertholdt thought she should be appreciated and treated as such.

He put the kit back in the cabinet.

“Thank you.” She muttered.

Bertholdt smiled.

* * *

The only people left to get in the hot tub were Ymir, Mikasa, and Armin.

Ymir felt somewhat self-conscious of taking her clothes off to reveal her bikini. She hadn’t gotten in the swimming pool earlier, and while she did want to hop in the jacuzzi, she didn’t want to reveal her body.

“Come on” Eren encouraged. “You’re all hot as fuck, get in!”

Krista stood, splashing water due to the movement, and held the hem of Ymir’s shirt. She tried to pull it up, revealing her stomach. Ymir blushed.

“Stop that!” she demanded.

 _Please don’t stop that,_ Bertholdt begged mentally.

“It’s okay, Ymir.” Armin encouraged. “We’re all friends. Besides, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Trust me.”

“Yeah.” Bertholdt agreed. “You’re a Goddess.”

He wasn’t joking, though everyone thought he was.

She rolled her eyes. She unbuttoned her shorts and took them off, her shirt following.

“There.” She gazed at Krista. She got in the tub, feeling temporal discomfort over the extreme change in temperature.

Bertholdt had a mental nosebleed.

Because she was a _“raging lesbian”_ and had an aggressive attitude, and because she didn’t fashion feminine clothing, it was easy to forget Ymir was still a woman. She was far more beautiful she gave herself credit for. She had soft features and a long, slim, yet very delicate figure.

Krista was crazy about her, and Bertholdt couldn’t deny how gorgeous he thought she was. He never noticed until she began comforting him after the Reiner and Annie incident.

Armin hopped in casually. Mikasa remained.

“Come on” Eren encouraged her with a smile, as if his previous act of aggression had never happened. “It’s good as fuck.” He waved the water around with his hand.

She wasn’t sure about this. She had drunk a bit, but nowhere near as much as everyone else, excluding Annie, who hadn’t drunk much either. Everyone else’s heavy drinking was making them bold, and Belanor wasn’t around, so she didn’t want to risk anything strange happening.

Besides this, she felt bummed over Eren’s constant poor treatment towards her because of her concern for him. She was starting to wonder if she even felt comfortable being here to begin with. She chose to excuse herself to spend time alone.

“I’m actually going to my room now. I want to watch a movie.”

“Aw.” Reiner puckered. “Are you sure?”

 “Yes.” She replied blankly. “Good night, thank you for the fun conversation.”

Bertholdt frowned, understanding why she wanted to leave. He felt tempted to go after her, but that was just his caring, kind-hearted nature speaking. She would most likely feel uncomfortable having him, of all people, tending to her.

“Pfft” Eren laid his head against the headrest.

“Okay.” Armin spoke up. “Who’s next?”

“Oh, right.” Eren closed his eyes. “The game.”

“Eren and Bertholdt” Reiner suggested. “Eren asks Bertl.”

Annie was curious.

Since they were sitting next to each other, Eren only needed to move his head to the side to face him. “Truth or dare?”

Bertholdt didn’t think about it twice. “Dare.”

“Alright,” Eren grinned. It was clear he had something saucy in mind. “but first,” He rose a finger.

“Like I said before, things might get weird,” he explained “and we have a couple here, so, do I have your consent to maybe ask or dare some weird stuff?”

Ymir, arm around Krista, responded. “I mean, yeah. If it’s something we don’t like we’ll just say so.”

Krista agreed.

“Then in that case,” Eren looked at Bertholdt. “make out with Ymir.”

Bertholdt clenched his ass in surprise. Ymir wanted to kick Eren.

Reiner didn’t know whether to feel jealous, furious, or curious. Annie, on the other hand, felt disgusted over the insensitive remark. Didn’t Eren’s pea-brain allow him to understand Annie was present?

“Is that alright with you two?” Eren asked Ymir and Krista.

Krista didn’t know if it’s because she was nearly drunk out of her mind, but she thought it would be sexy to see Ymir kiss a boy, and a handsome, mature looking one too. She nodded.

Annie’s eyes widened.

Ymir hesitated. She looked at Krista, as if to ask her if she was completely sure about it. Krista simply nodded again, smiling.

It was surprising to Ymir how nonchalant Krista was about the dare. It’s not a peck or a simple kiss, it’s a **_make-out_** session. How could she be okay with this? Is it the alcohol speaking?

Should she do it? She supposed there was no harm in accepting.

“Yeah, whatever.” Ymir remained collected.

Bertholdt swam to her, heart pounding, signaling Sasha to move and exchange places with him. He positioned himself next to Ymir.

He’d be full of shit if he claimed he hadn’t thought about this before. He has quite the wandering mind.

They stared at each other. Bertholdt’s breathing was accelerating, his stomach steadily contracting with every slow exhale. He broke the distance between their faces, gently cupping her cheek. Her lips parted. She could feel his warm breath on her lips.

Annie couldn’t look. Her expression exuded disbelief, but no one noticed. Was Bertholdt really going to do this, and was Ymir really going to allow it? Was it the alcohol? She felt sick to her stomach. Didn’t anyone remember the tension that’s going around her and Bertholdt? Did anyone even remember she was in love with him, and that they broke up not too long ago? Anyone at all?

He was about to place his lips on hers, a twinge of excitement building up in him, when she abruptly turned her face, making him place a kiss on her cheek instead. She pushed his chest away forcefully and crossed her arms.

She couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Sorry. You’re gonna have to do a penalty.”

Relief overcame Annie.

“Oh.” Is all he managed to say. He frowned and pulled back.

“Boo!” Eren gave a thumbs down. “And here I was getting excited. Pfft.”

Krista, who should have naturally been most uncomfortable than anyone else with the situation, felt disappointment. She had been okay with the dare.

“Ha!” Reiner exclaimed, resting his arms against the edge of the tub. “Give him a good one, Eren. Punish him for Ymir pussying out again.” He chuckled.

Ymir flipped him off, eliciting a laugh from everyone but Annie and Bertholdt. They all thought she did it humorously, but she was being dead serious. She didn’t like Reiner at all lately. Not one bit.

Bertholdt returned to his original spot.

“Hm.” Eren thought, laying his head on the headrest. “I don’t know.”

Armin whispered something on Eren’s ear, perking up the latter.

“I knew you had it in you, Armin!” he chuckled. “Alright, listen up, Bertl. Get in the middle of the tub and spin for ten seconds with your eyes closed. Then point at a random direction, which will be a random person, and open your eyes. Once you do, put on your best O face, and fake an orgasm as best as you can, while looking at the person!” He pointed at him with a grin.

“Damn.” Bertholdt cussed, smirk on his face. “Alright.”

He closed his eyes and spun as everyone counted down. He was praying his target wouldn’t be Annie or Reiner. Ten seconds passed and he opened his eyes while pointing. The person who would witness the whole glory of his fake orgasm was Krista.

“Gross!” Ymir yelled. Bertholdt tried to suppress a frown, the comment making him feel incredibly offended.

Krista smiled and motioned him to come closer. “Well, let’s go!”

Bertholdt faced her, and couldn’t help but burst into laughter, just like one does when doing a staring contest.

“Come on!” Krista demanded in good spirits.

“Alright, alright.”

He closed his eyes, trying to think of something hot. He thought of vague things that would turn any guy on, but his mind couldn’t help but wander to the first night he and Annie made love. He vividly recalled every detail, and used it to put on the show.

He recalled the sight of Annie’s legs on top of his shoulders, her eyes feral with desire.

Eyes still closed, he began grunting softly, willingly accelerating his breathing.

He recalled inhaling her intoxicating scent.

He bit his lip and groaned a little louder. He was tempted to moan Annie’s name, but he was lucid enough to control himself. He moaned Krista’s name instead.

This was turning on Reiner alarmingly.

Krista blushed, wondering what the fuck was going on and how an innocent movies night turned into this.

Bertholdt began to feel uncomfortable, so he burst into laughter. “S-sorry, I can’t keep at it.”

“Um.” Krista laughed awkwardly. She never imagined she’d see Bertholdt doing that. Was it wrong she thought it was somewhat hot?

“Guys.” Sasha splashed water at everyone. “This is weird.”

Ymir snorted sarcastically. “No fucking shit.”

“Hm.” Eren dangled his legs. “I think it’s pretty normal. We’ve done a **_lot_** worse together before.”

“Uh, yeah,” Annie’s tone was clearly tense. “this is pretty weird. I’m gonna head inside now.” She stood up, her body splashing water from the movement. She felt absolutely revolted.

Bertholdt glanced at her bottom. He remembered all the things he has done to it, and scolded himself for being impolite by thinking about it.

“Pfft.” Eren crossed his arms, clearing his throat. The steam helped his sinuses feel better, but his throat still hurt. “Party poopers.”

“I’m leaving too.” Ymir stated quietly. She got off the tub and left before anyone could say anything. She was clearly on edge, and Krista didn’t know why. She excused herself and left, pulling Sasha along with her. Armin followed.

“Is it just me” Reiner muttered “or is uh, everyone pretty darn tense all the sudden?”

“Mhm.” Eren agreed. “Can’t tell if Bertl turned them on or scared them away.” He laughed.

Bertholdt kicked his shin grinning, flipping him off. “Fuck you.”

“Hey, you might have grossed out everyone else, but at least you gave Reiner a boner.”

Reiner pushed Eren’s head back violently. “Cunt.” He grinned.

“You gave me a boner too.” Eren wiggled his eyebrows.

Bertholdt simply laughed in defeat.

“I’m going to stay here a little bit longer.” Reiner announced, laying his head on the headrest. He closed his eyes.

Bertholdt dove underwater to wet his face and hair, popping up almost instantly. “Yeah, me too.”

Eren mimicked Reiner’s action. He knew what he was about to say would make Reiner uncomfortable, but he didn’t care. If it made him feel too awkward he was free to leave.

“So, Bertl.” Eren drew his attention. “Tomorrow’s the third day. You still gonna try to make up with Annie?”

Bertholdt hummed. “Yeah, as long as you all leave.”

Reiner tried to not frown.

“Gotcha.” Eren winked at him. “We’ll leave, no worries.”

Bertholdt relaxed his body and let it float as best as he could in the large tub, in midst of his colossal height. “Tonight’s been weird.”

“Really immature and juvenile, though we **_have_** done much worse before.” Reiner laughed, eyes still closed. He felt he was dozing off.

“Who cares.” Eren shrugged. “It’s alright to be immature every now and then.”


	30. Confrontation x And x Reconciliation (NSFW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another chapter! I hope it's not disappointing.
> 
> If you're enjoying the story, be sure to leave kudos or a comment, every ounce of support helps. It's always nice to know if there's an active reader for your story.
> 
> This is the longest chapter so far, by the way. xD

Annie slowly opened her eyes, and reluctantly uncovered her face. She blinked. Streaks of sunlight penetrated the room and blinded her momentarily. She closed her eyes and wrapped herself with the blanket, and cuddled for ten minutes.

She sat up and stretched her arms above her head, groaning; dangling her legs while looking out the window.

She was hungry.

Before getting her morning coffee and dealing with her loud friends, she went to the bathroom first to empty her bladder and groom herself a bit.

Meanwhile, Bertholdt was downstairs, sitting on the chair beside the counter, elbows on it, holding a mug of coffee with both hands. He was nervous. He had been waiting two hours for Annie to wake up.

This was it.

This was the day he’d confront her, and there was no way for her to escape him anymore. He exhaled nervously and checked his phone. No missed calls, no response from his father.

What a disappointment.

He stared at the liquid inside the mug, feeling the steam engulf his face. That’s when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He perked up.

_She’s here._

Annie fashioned a white tank-top that showed the outline of her purple bra, and black pajama shorts that stopped at her thigh. Her hair was in a messy bun, as usual. She looked adorable.

She looked around the cabin, and only spotted Bertholdt, who was looking at her.

“M-morning.” He greeted.

She hid a strand of hair behind her ear, and walked past him towards the kitchen cabinet without looking at him. “Morning.”

There was silence, which increasingly uneased Bertholdt by the second.

“Where’s everyone?” Annie asked, pouring coffee in the selected mug.

“I’m not sure.” He lied. “Armin wasn’t beside me when I woke up, so I don’t know where they went. They probably went hiking.” He sipped.

“Without us?” Annie asked. He was so full of shit.

“Y-yeah.”

Annie’s eyes sunk, much to Bertholdt’s anxiety.

“Stop bullshitting me, Bertholdt.” She demanded. “Where are they?”

“I-I swear I don’t know, they didn—” Annie slammed her hand against the counter, leaning towards him.

“Did you tell them to leave us alone?”

Forget her looking adorable. She was menacing now.

“Yes.” He confessed. “But listen to me for a second!”

She stood straight, ready to leave. Where? She didn’t know. She was simply going to leave.

Bertholdt went after her, holding her wrist. She turned, ready to slap him, but unable to when Bertholdt gripped both of her wrists. Tightly.

“No.” He was stern. “You’re not hitting me again.”

She creased her eyebrows.

“We’ll have to talk about this eventually. You can’t ignore a confrontation forever, so let’s be mature and do it now.” He requested.

She hated him.

“Annie.” Bertholdt cooed. “Please let me listen to you. Talk to me. And then, please, listen to me.” He begged, his grip on her wrists softening.

She remembered everything. She remembered the image of Reiner laying on top of Bertholdt, the latter gripping him against his body. The image of Reiner’s completely unempathetic and cold expression. The image of her boyfriend being ** _groped_** and **_kissed_** by someone who was supposed to be her ** _friend_**.

Her eyes watered. Bertholdt noticed, and immediately hugged her.

She hissed, pushing him back forcefully.

“What is there to talk about?” she shrieked. “You trying to justify making out with Reiner, of all people? You trying to justify staying with him rather than going after me, probably to **_fuck_** him?”

Bertholdt pursed his lips.

“I’ve been avoiding confrontation because there is **_nothing_** to talk about. What you did was fucking unforgivable. There’s no excuse or anything you can say to fix it, because there is **_nothing_** to fix, Bertholdt.

This.” She pointed at the entire cabin. “All of this? This is only because we planned this for months. But after this? After this, I want nothing to do with you and Reiner. I don’t plan on talking to you two ever again.” Her voice cracked.

Bertholdt's heart spiraled out of control over hearing this. He couldn't handle her walking out of his life forever. “Annie, please, if you’ll just listen to my version of the story—”

“What the fuck?” she interjected furiously. “What fucking version of your bullshit story? That you fucking made out with Reiner and probably fucked him after I left? What fucking justification is there for that?”

Annie gave in to Bertholdt the moment she wrapped her pinky around his. For a moment, she felt weak. She wanted to give in. But last night, seeing him eager to be intimate with Ymir, even if slightly, changed her mind. How he didn’t hesitate, while being **_in front_** of her. She felt disgusted.

“What justification is there for you being ready to slobber all over fucking Ymir in front of me?”

Bertholdt’s mouth hang agape.

“You and he are pieces of shit.” Her eyes stung. “And that’s all there is to it.”

She clenched her fists. She wanted to leave, but her body didn’t respond to her commands. It’s almost as though she wanted to listen to him; almost as if she didn’t want to escape anymore.

“I’ve always loved Reiner.” He muttered.

Annie already knew this, but being reminded of it, the statement coming from his mouth, poured acid into her wounds.

“No fucking shit, Sherlock. What do you want, a fucking medal for stating the obvious? Literally what are you trying to achieve by telling me this shit?” her expression was disgusted. “Don’t you think **_showing_** me was kinda enough evidence?”

“Please, let me finish.” Bertholdt requested.

She gritted her teeth, trying to hold back the tears with all her might. She was so close to crumbling.

“I’ve always loved Reiner, and for the longest time he was the only person that truly mattered in my life. I always tried to get close to you, but you pushed me away. He was the only one who made me feel cared for.”

_Even though he manipulated the fuck out of you? Don’t be pathetic._

He looked at her grimly.

“But then you finally let me in.” his lips curved into a sad smile. “And these months I had with you were some of the best in my life.”

Her lips parted in surprise.

“I’m not saying what I did has justification,” his lips quivered. “but Annie, I’ve always been weak and depressed, and broken and alone. And what happened that night, it was something that happened one time. That was the first and only time. I tried to say no, but ultimately, I couldn’t. Because I loved him, and I felt abandoned and desperate.” He desperately tried to defend himself. “I felt unloved.”

Tears rolled down his cheeks. “And I felt unwanted. I felt like you were embarrassed to be seen with me. You were so cold, and you always shrugged off how I felt when I brought it up.”

His tone rose.

“How was I supposed to feel!?” he demanded an explanation. “How was I supposed to feel over you hiding me, forcing me to sneak into your room in order to see you, when there was someone else who wanted to show me off to the world?”

Memories of Reiner introducing him to everyone at parties, or school festivals, flashed through his mind. Memories of Reiner proudly showing him off, even if as a friend, contrasted those of Annie ignoring him, sometimes humiliating him. Being warm and loving behind closed doors, and an hour later with friends, being completely distant; ignoring his existence.

“D-do you have any idea how that felt?” he asked, eyebrows creased in disbelief. “You’ve always known I’ve always had low self-esteem, that I’m depressed; that being invisible fucking **_breaks_** me. And yet, all you did was make me feel even **_more_** invisible. How was I supposed to feel? How was I supposed to feel over my girlfriend, the one person who was supposed to love me and care about my well-being, treating me like shit, as if I didn’t exist, knowing my prior issues?”

Annie’s lips parted. For one, she wanted to punch him for the sudden change of attitude, but she was also surprised over how he was actually fighting back, rather than being submissive as always.

“Can you really blame me for being in dire need of comfort?” He was keen on defending himself, sick of being treated as if he were the only one in the wrong.

She snorted condescendingly.  

“Some of the best months in your life?” she asked quietly. “By the way you make it sound, it seems like I was just some bitch who treated you like shit. You're contradicting yourself.”

Rather than addressing the key points he brought up, she chose to twist his words in her favour and ignore everything she did wrong.

Bertholdt sighed in defeat.

“The shittiness doesn’t equate a shitty relationship overall. We had a lot of good moments, but that doesn’t take away the fact a bunch of it was bad too.”

He huffed.

“We both have issues.” He offered a smile, and while the words that just came out of his mouth could be interpreted as offensive, his smile was genuine and accepting.

They stood in silence for seconds.

Annie broke the silence.

“I’m sorry for hitting you.” She couldn’t make eye contact. Apologising wasn't her forte, even though what she did was pretty damn **_wrong_**.

Bertholdt smiled.

“It’s not alright, but I understand.” He poked her hip. “It was a pretty shitty move.” He jested.

Annie slapped his hand away, clearly not in the mood for childish jokes. For her, this was a serious situation. He’s the one that wanted a confrontation, so he might as well be mature about it.

Bertholdt frowned, observing how tense she looked.

She wanted to explode. The palms of her hands stung, her nails digging deep into her skin from how hard she was clenching her fists. She gritted her teeth in an effort to remain silent, to point things at a better direction, but she couldn’t. She exuded an animosity that burned like fire: slicing, potent. Her cheeks were starting to turn red with suppressed rage at the memory of Bertholdt groping Reiner as the latter kissed him. She couldn't get that image out of her head.

As an act of comfort, Bertholdt placed his hands on her shoulders in hopes to calm her down. Annie imploded over the contact and pushed him away forcefully, mentally snapping.

She combusted into tears.

“A-Annie?” Bertholdt called in concern, feeling a dull hint of pain on his chest. The tiny girl had severe strength.

She just cried, not saying a word. He approached her, risking his life, in hopes he’d ease her.

“Annie,” he cupped her chin, forcing her to look at him. “please talk to me. Please.” He begged.

She pushed him again, this time with more force.

“I felt so humiliated.” She didn’t cease eye contact, her voice nearly breaking. “I opened up to you, and you fucking betrayed me. Don’t you get how much that fucking hurts?”

His heart clenched, tears threatening to leak again.

“I stopped by your favourite bakery to bring you fucking pastries, to apologise and actually discuss the problem in our relationship, and what did I find? You groping and making out with that fucking shitstain.”

He pursed his lips. He wouldn’t be able to hold it in for much longer.

“Like fuck,” her voice broke. “I get I wasn’t the best girlfriend, but I was fucking learning. I was willing to change for you. I was willing to change for you, Bertholdt. I wanted to hug you so tight I’d glue all your broken pieces together, I wanted to **_take care_** of you. I wanted a **_future_** with you, and you fucking ruined that because of him. **_He_** ruined us.”

The words Annie used were Bertholdt’s breaking point. She was able to find the needle in the haystack—the spot that hurt him most, and stabbed it, twisting the knife as profoundly as she could.

The tears burst forth, the dam within him snapping. Bertholdt felt his chin trembling, the painful sobs punching through; ripping through each and every one of his muscles and bones.

Annie covered her eyes with her arm, sobbing as well, though not quite as intensely as him.

Bertholdt knelt, holding her hands, looking up at her with a devastated expression.

“Annie,” he called painfully. “what do I have to do for you to forgive me? Please tell me what I have to do to get a second chance.” He was desperate for an answer; close to being out of his mind, similarly to the night he barged into her house, almost bringing her door down.

Her mouth drooped, tears rolling down her cheeks. She was in a vulnerable position she hated him for waking in her.

He brought her hands to his eyes, wetting them with tears.

She wanted to give him a second chance. She was in love with him—but she couldn’t forgive him. Yes, she was also in the wrong, but her actions, even if cold, didn’t warrant what he did. And yet, there’s still something she wants to know, or rather, something she wants to confirm. She already suspected it from the moment she caught Bertholdt and Reiner in the act, but she needed to confirm it. Annie didn’t know if the itching need was due to masochism alone, to pour more salt in her wounds, or to be able to find closure and move on.

She pulled her hands back, now calm. He hugged her waist and rested his forehead against her abdomen, sobbing.

“Bertholdt,” she called, drawing his gaze to hers. He looked up at her, sobs ceasing. “there’s still things you’re not telling me. You’re not telling me **_exactly_** what happened before I arrived, and after I left.”

If he told her everything, how he felt, how he tried to reject Reiner but the latter tried to force himself on Bertholdt anyway, how he eventually gave in due to emotional exhaustion—would this have any impact on Annie’s decision? Would this influence her mentally, driving her towards the direction of giving him a second chance?

Looking at her face only broke him more. He let go off her waist and looked at the floor, covering his face with both of his hands. He whimpered like a child, his dark lashes drenched with tears, bloodshot eyes brimmed heavily with torment.

She crouched to level their eyes.

“Stop” she demanded softly. “Stop hiding things from me, tell me the truth. What happened that night? Or is the truth really just you being a sick degenerate?”

The insults stung.

Bertholdt felt embarrassed over making eye contact with her. His eyes were swollen and in pain, and he felt self-conscious. Did he look bad? Her eyes were puffy too, but she managed to look beautiful even in this broken state. He felt overwhelmed.

His mouth drooped and he looked at the floor again, releasing a loud whimper.

“Okay.” His chest shuddered.

* * *

Ymir sat on a rock, observing the creek. She leaned on her right hand, which was resting on her leg, brought to her chest. The boys were yelling about something, but she couldn’t make out what it was. Her body was there, but her mind was elsewhere.

Krista, whom she had been passively ignoring, sat next to her.

“Hi.” She smiled sweetly.

Ymir turned to look at her, then looked back to the front. “Hey.”

Ymir had been acting weird since last night. Krista didn’t know why, but, naturally, it bothered her. She hadn’t approached her until now because she didn’t know how to; there was a clear tension oozing from Ymir.

Krista held her knees and wiggled her toes. “Watcha doing?” she asked cheerfully.

“Nothing.” Ymir wanted to be concise. “Looking at the creek.”

“Oh. Yeah, it’s really beautiful.” She giggled.

Her cute act was annoying Ymir.

Krisa, who always had something to say, who always **_knew_** what to say, was completely speechless. Rather than playing a game of cat and mouse, Ymir chose to be mature and voice her concerns immediately.

“Why were you so eager to see me kiss Bertholdt?” she faced her, still leaning on her hand.

Krista rose a brow. “What do you mean?” she didn’t need Ymir to repeat the question, she simply didn’t know what to respond, so the best she could do was plead ignorance. A typical response from someone who’s very aware of the answer to a question, but chooses to save their skin by claiming to not know what is being talked about.

Ymir’s eyes sunk. “What do I mean by asking you why you were eager to see me kiss Bertl, something which happened less than twelve hours ago?” her tone was not only sarcastic, but it was also clearly meant to offend.

Krista sighed in defeat, cutting to the chase. “I don’t know. We were drunk, we were just doing dumb teenage crap.”

“You were also okay with letting everyone know Reiner’s basically been inside you.” She reminded.

“You consented to letting everyone know.”

“Yeah, because by your reactions it was fucking obvious to everyone you fucked. Even an idiot like Eren could tell. What was the point of me saying ‘ _nah, don’t say it, Reiner. Denying it after you two have acted weird won’t raise any suspicions at all'_? You two made it obvious.”

“I don’t see what the problem is.” Krista said sincerely.

Ymir frowned in disbelief. “Some things are better when not said at all. For instance, when I chose a penalty over telling everyone which guy I’d sleep with if I had to. I wasn’t just going to say, ‘ _Oh yeah, if I really had to, I'd fuck Bertholdt_.’ Like, no one has to know that, and it would have just been **_so_** disrespectful to you. Similarly, Reiner could have simply denied instead of acting like a fucking idiot. Or, you could have interjected saying that was a dumb question. I don’t know.” She looked to the front, now leaning on her opposite hand.

Krista felt immature now.

“It was my fault, though, I guess.” Ymir stated. “ ** _Our_** fault.” She emphasised. “Eren did ask for everyone’s consent, and we could have easily said, _hey, no, no questions like that_. But we didn’t. Even I almost kissed Bertl, until I realised how fucked up it really was.”

Krista tried to justify herself. “But we both consented. If a couple agrees to involving a third-party in their relationship, in any way, that’s not wrong. There’s consent from **_everyone_** involved. If you told me you wanted to involve Bertholdt with us, and I agreed, that would be fine. It wouldn’t be cheating. If I wasn’t okay with you kissing him, I would have said so in that very instant. And you seemed to want it too, just like he did, so I don’t know what the problem is.”

Ymir snorted. “It’s not that. It’s the fact Annie was there. Yeah, if I said, _Oh Krista, I’m into Bertholdt, let’s do something with him_ , and you agreed, that’d be polyamory. And there’s nothing wrong with that. What is totally fucked, though, is doing something with someone in front of someone that loves and is hurting over said person. How must she have felt when you didn’t hesitate to agree? Or when he didn’t hesitate? Or when I almost did it?”

Krista swallowed.

“Like,” she chuckled sardonically. “are we all forgetting the totally fucked up situation between those two and Reiner?”

Krista didn’t know what to say.

“Did it even occur to you that your precious Reiner, whom you hold so fucking sacredly, could have felt totally fucked and hurt over seeing Bertl kiss someone else?”

Ymir ran fingers through her hair, a grin of disbelief on her face.

“I really don’t know what we were thinking.”

Krista felt both guilty and immature. And yet, there were still things she wanted to say. She didn’t know if it was to justify herself, to lift a burden off her shoulders or ease her guilt.

“Yeah, it was messed up.” She muttered softly. “But I guess we can’t censor ourselves and our fun just because there’s something wrong going on with someone in the group. You said you couldn’t kiss Bertl in the end, and that was that, nothing happened. We moved on. It was something stupid, but no one dwelt on it, so I don’t see why we should dwell on it now.”

Ymir was about to snipe back, but Krista continued, determined to defend herself.

“Besides,” she maintained eye contact “if you had a problem with Bertl agreeing to kiss you, or faking an orgasm in front of me, you could have just said no. Eren asked for **_our_** consent to ask or dare sexual stuff involving us. You call Reiner gross and tell him to get away from me when he’s affectionate, and it’s true because you don’t want him to get too close, but you joke about it, and the point gets across. Why couldn’t you just have done that then? Say something like ' _oi, oi, no, get off Krista'_ or _'I'm gay as hell, I'm not kissing a guy_ ' like you usually do? Everyone would have gotten the point. It was just a stupid game, we could have found an innocent penalty, or we could have stopped it altogether. I **_still_** don’t see what the problem is.”

Ymir sighed. “So, you’d be completely fine with Bertl and I making out?” she asked sincerely, in hopes Krista would reply what Ymir wanted to hear. She wanted to believe it was the alcohol speaking last night. Deep down, she knew it wasn’t.

“Yes.” Krista replied blankly.

Ymir didn’t like this answer because it suggested Krista was okay with **_sharing_**. She wasn’t a fan of this—sharing people in a relationship sounded messed up to her. Ymir couldn’t help but believe Krista was okay with seeing other people.

“And let me guess, you’d be totally fine with doing the same with Reiner if I said I’d be okay with it.”

“Yeah, if you can do it, so can I, if there’s consent.”

“Seriously?” Ymir snorted. “You wouldn’t even hesitate?”

Krista didn’t understand what her point was.

“Like, you wouldn’t even think that we’re in a relationship, so we shouldn’t do anything with anyone else even if the other person would be okay with it? You’d be okay with me kissing Bertl, but that doesn’t mean I’ll go ahead and do it. And that’s the difference between you and me, if I said I’d be okay with you kissing Reiner—which I’d never agree to—you’d actually do it, while that wouldn’t be the case with me.”

Krista shook her head, still missing her point. “But if you’d be okay with it and I did it, what would be the problem? There’s consent. Why would it be wrong of me to kiss Reiner if you were okay with it? I don’t understand your point.” Though she didn’t intend it to be this way, her tone sounded snide.

“Oh my God.” Ymir looked away, not knowing how else to explain it. She couldn’t believe Krista didn’t understand the point she was trying to convey. “The point is that you wouldn’t hesitate to kiss Reiner if I gave you the go. I wouldn’t kiss Bertl even if you gave me the go, because I don’t see how you can be willing to share your significant other with another person. I can’t understand how you wouldn’t hesitate to be intimate with someone else, just because your partner wouldn’t mind.”

Ymir took a deep breath. “How could you be okay with sharing me with someone else, or share yourself with another person?”

Krista pursed her lips, slight annoyance in her expression.

“I don’t know. I guess we have differing views.”

The simple response only served to frustrate Ymir more. She stood up, dusting her hands off with her pants. She untied her hair and redid her ponytail, turning her back to Krista.

“Okay. I’ll see you later.”

* * *

Annie was lost in thought, looking at Bertholdt drink his glass of water. The boy had been a stuttering mess of tears and snot minutes prior.

He told her everything. The hang-out Reiner and he had that day, why Bertholdt was angry at Annie, how he told Reiner the two of them were dating, and how Reiner burst and tried to manipulate him and he gave in, eventually, due to his own weak-will.

While still furious, Annie understood Bertholdt’s perspective better. Even though she was angry at him, the hatred she had been feeling towards Reiner since that dreaded night, overshadowed the one towards Bertholdt. Knowing everything that happened served as fuel to burn her hatred towards Reiner more intensely.

_It’s all his fault._

“All I want now” Bertholdt choked on his water, almost initiating a coughing fit. She found it adorable, but couldn’t manage to smile. “is to be with you.” He said sincerely, staring at her with weak, tired eyes.

“I forgive you.” She admitted. He perked up over this, lips parted in hope. “But I can’t be with you.”

His eyebrows furrowed in disappointment, every ounce of hope shattered once more.

“Not as long as he’s in the picture.”

Bertholdt leaned forward in interest. “What do you mean?”

“If Reiner’s in the picture, I can’t be with you. If Reiner’s in the picture, you’ll never be able to be with anyone.”

She swallowed, and tried to sound as collected as she could.

“He will never let you be happy, because he wants you all for himself. He’ll stop at nothing to ruin every relationship you have, as long as it results in having you all for himself.

And it will always be this way. Because even if you lose everyone, Reiner will still be there. He knows you’ll always go back to him, even if you wind up hating him. Because you don’t want to be alone.”

Her words carried a venomous tone, its purpose to inflict pain and give the boy she loved a wake-up call.

“As long as he’s in the picture,” she repeated, her bloodshot, tired eyes looking directly at his. “you and I can’t be together.”

Bertholdt equated “as long as” with “but”. To him, this must have meant that she wants to be with him, and is willing to be with him, but with the resolve that Reiner isn’t around. This means she **_wants_** him, but she’s setting a condition.

 _“We can be together, but on one condition”_ is what he heard.

Bertholdt eyed her from head to toe, his heart burning. He was in awe over this beautiful woman, who an hour prior told him she was trying for him. Who told him she wants a future with him, who just said she forgave him for betraying her trust, who has admitted she **_loves_** him. He is **loved** and has been **forgiven** by this gorgeous creature.

Right now, he’s not thinking about his father. He’s not thinking about Reiner, how overwhelming his love towards him is or how **_much_** he wants him in bed. The only thing in his mind right now is Annie.

He loved her. He missed her. He wanted her.

“Annie.” He cooed, standing up to sit next to her on the couch. She followed his every move, wary of him. He looked at her eyes, cupping her cheek. Her eyebrows rose in shock, not certain of what he planned to do. She slapped his hand away.

He sighed, chest shuddering. “I’m so sorry.” He was close to whimpering. “I’m so sorry, Annie.”

She reluctantly held the back of his head and pulled the boy towards her. She hugged him. He returned the gesture, rubbing her back. After a couple of seconds, his grip on the hug tightened, one of his hands slowly lowering to her coccyx.

She quietly gasped. She pulled away, gripping his wrist. The boy—the tall, olive skinned boy with black hair and emerald eyes that brimmed with sadness; the boy who broke her heart, was clearly desperate for human touch. Human comfort.

She let go off his wrist. “I need to wash my face.” She broke the silence, standing up. He decided to imitate her previous gesture, and gently held her wrist before she could leave. He stood up.

“What?” she asked.

He placed his hands on her waist, and gently pulled her towards him. She clutched his forearms, trying to suggest she wanted him to let go off her, but her grip was so weak it was evident she didn’t want the contact to stop.

Their torsos now touched, and he decided to break the little distance remaining between their bodies by fully placing his arms around her middle back to pull her in, forcing her to draw out her chest—her breasts pressed against him. She shuddered, deciding to accept the hug, while not returning it.

She could feel his breathing was uneven, due to the emotional strain and relief of physical contact.

She rested her forehead against his chest, and softly whimpered into it. He tightened his grip and kissed her head.

“I love you so much.” He softly drew circular motions on her lower back with his fingers, sending chills up her spine. “And I’m so sorry for what I did.”

She sighed, her chest shuddering. “I forgive you.”

“Annie?” he called.

She responded, face still snuggled unto his chest, her grip on his forearms tightening. “What is it?”

He cupped her chin and made eye contact. “Can I kiss you?”

She hesitated.

As Bertholdt waited for an answer, he cupped her cheeks with both hands, and gently ran his thumbs down her eyelids to wipe her tears. She closed her eyes as he did so, appreciating the warm gesture.

He didn’t wait for an answer. He bent and leaned closer to her and parted his lips, grazing them over hers. He felt her breathing on him, his heart clutching in warmth. He lightly brushed his lips against her cheek, a simple gesture that made her shiver. He placed a gentle kiss on her lips, and pulled away as he traced the line of her cheekbone with his thumb.

She was disappointed. Annie dragged his face to hers, and initiated another kiss. He was being careful, but she didn’t want that right now. Not after everything. She clutched the collar of his shirt and pulled him hard against her, earning a groan from Bertholdt. His arms circled her to pull her body towards his, feeling heat travel to his groin as he felt her breasts press against him.

After seconds of kissing in varying depth and speed, they pulled away and looked at each other. They didn’t need words to understand what their expressions conveyed they wanted.

Annie held his hand and guided him up the stairs. Flashbacks of their first time, of Annie walking him through the door and leading him to her room, came to Bertholdt’s mind.

They walked into Bertholdt’s assigned room and shut the door, locking it just in case. They resumed their kiss, now desperate, and Annie led him to his bed—pushing him into it. She was on top, caressing his cheek as they kissed, grinding herself against his now growing erection. He pulled away to snuggle into her neck, placing delicate kisses and gentle bites. She raised her head slightly to give him more room, her eyes closed and lips parted, a soft moan escaping her. She was still stroking his groin through his sweatpants. He now had a rock-hard erection.

“Annie.” He whispered into her, nibbling her earlobe. That had always been her ticklish spot.

Her only response was her agitated breathing.

“Would you let me make love to you?” he asked, massaging her buttocks, drawing circles on her clitoris through her pajama shorts.

“Yes, yes, yes.” She slowly sighed, burying her face in his hair.

Bertholdt felt her slip down the bed. He sat up, Annie now kneeling. She dragged down his sweatpants, and eased his briefs over his hips, his well-endowed erection free. She brushed his length with her palm, before licking the head delicately. She took him in. He moaned, biting his lip over the feeling. Her lips and tongue slid up and down, bringing him to unparalleled heights of pleasure he hadn't felt in a while. He tried to resist the urge of thrusting in and out of her mouth as he looked down to her. The sight of Annie hollowing her cheeks, and sliding him all the way down drove him insane. And though he was desperate for more, he made her stop. Oral sex to him always seemed so **_disconnecting_**. Like something you'd do with a stranger, and not with someone you loved. He craved and loved physical contact, having the person right in front of him; touching them, seeing their expressions.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

He smiled at her. “Shh,” he muttered, pulling her up so they sat face-to-face again. He brought her towards him in a hug, her legs wrapped around his waist, their groins coming in contact. He wanted to be gentle and romantic, but the lack of recent sexual activity prevented him from being so. The more they kissed and the more friction he felt, the more he wanted to spiral out of control. He nibbled her neck as he desperately ripped the top off her, miserably failing to unhook her bra. Her moans ceased and turned into laughter.

She pulled away and cupped his cheeks, grin on her face. This made him melt.

“It’s obvious you haven’t done this in a while.” She made him the favour of unhooking her own bra.

His reaction was primitive in nature. The first thing he did was bring his face towards her bust, wanting to take in her perfectly round, pale breasts. He licked and sucked on her pink nipples, eliciting both moans and giggles from her.

They felt conflicted, aroused, and desperate for comfort.

His hands wandered around her body, until he slid them into her shorts. He rubbed her sensitivity through her panties.

He looked at her lips in desire. “Am I allowed to take these off?” he whispered, boldly gliding a finger in.

She bit her lip, nodding.

In a matter of seconds, she was fully nude. Their clothes were scattered around the room, sexual desire engulfing it.

He nuzzled against her, nibbling her neck, and kissing his way up to her earlobe. He slid his hands between her legs, positioning his fingers and thumb—the way he had learned through their experiments of what made her come. He worked his fingers around her wet seam, making him moan over the contact. He loved the way she felt.

She squeezed her eyes shut as she clamped her thighs against his hand, grinding against it. He spread her outer lips, amazed at her expression. He always loved when she’d sit on him, and he snuggled up to her as he had his way with her. He loved to visually explore her. To see this unbelievably strong girl, normally cold and emotionless, so flustered over him, was an entirely different pleasure for him. He stopped for a moment.

“Please.” She begged, clamping her legs more tightly. “Don’t stop.”

He eagerly slipped in his middle finger, taking in all her wetness and warmth. He stared, with feral eyes overwhelmed with desire, at her expression when he slipped in a second finger to stretch her up—prepping her for his size. She bit her lip. Bertholdt began thrusting, his fingers rapidly sliding in and out her. His eyes were transfixed on the motion. Annie was releasing long, shuddering breaths, close to spasming. She reached down to stimulate her own clitoris as he slid in a third finger; her free hand gripping his hair, Bertholdt completely hypnotised by her unsteady moans. His pace picked up dramatically, the wet noises and her cries making his painful erection throb. She felt her walls contract against his fingers as her body shook, her instinctive reaction commanding her to jerk him off, but her euphoria ended abruptly when he rolled her onto her back. He didn’t give her time to recover. He stroked his cock and jerked it one, two, three times; releasing shuddered exhales. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, legs around his waist. He firmly held his cock as they kissed, placing the head around her entrance. He circled it around, then stopped abruptly. He did this twice to tease her, before she grew irritated. Her face of impatience brought him great satisfaction. She dug her nails into his back and squeezed his waist towards her.

“Stop teasing me.” She demanded, still not fully recovered from the prior orgasm.

He smiled and slowly slipped inside her. She arched her back, relieved over getting what she wanted.

After the first, hard thrust, he had to remain still for a moment. His ecstasy was so great right now, that he knew if he kept moving by giving himself up to her exquisite heat and tightness, and particularly because of his lack of recent sexual intercourse, he’d be close to coming.

He pulled away, stroking her cheek, moving a strand of hair behind her ear. She caressed the back of his head. “Bertholdt.” She cooed, swiveling her hips as she recalled something important. “Do you have a condom?”

He furrowed his eyebrows and smiled reluctantly. “N-no.” He felt like an idiot for forgetting something so pivotal, but frankly, he couldn't bring himself to care due to his fogged state of mind.

He was scared this answer would make her change her mind.

She only smiled, a smile that he felt suggested “ _it’s okay, I’ve got this under control_ ”, pulling him down for another kiss. Was she on birth control? Bertholdt couldn’t care less right now. He was out of his mind for her, and in any case, he could simply pull out.

He thrust into her, Annie’s hand gripping his shoulder, the other caressing his back, from the nape of his neck down to his spine.

It felt too good.

“I love you, baby.” Annie moaned. This only served to drive Bertholdt crazier.

He began to thrust at greater speed, the bed now creaking rhythmically with their moans. Her moans grew louder and even more desperate, the boy she loved carrying her to the precipice of a powerful orgasm once more. She couldn’t get enough of him. All this time she had been tired and hurt, but that didn’t matter anymore. She wanted him. She wanted to squeeze him in further, she wanted to continue feeling his sweat drop onto her. He snuggled his face onto her chest, desperate to suck on her breasts, groaning as her nails dug deep into his skin. He grinned over the general pleasure, eyes closed and expression in complete loss of reality, hoping she drew blood. He loved it when she did.

“Ah!” she whimpered loudly. “I’m going to come.” she squeezed him in further. “Baby, I’m going to come.” She shrieked, voice breaking. He stopped sucking on her breasts to bring his face to hers. He wanted to see this beautiful girl’s expression when she came.

Their eyebrows were furrowed in pleasure, mouths agape. She moaned desperately into him, Bertholdt supporting his weight with his arms, looking at her in disbelief.

He smiled proudly over that **_gorgeous_** expression that indicated how close she was to climax. And that’s when it hit. All the pent-up energy exploded, making Annie screech and tremble with pleasure. Bertholdt cried out, unable to contain his own ecstasy, as her vagina was suddenly brought to life, clamping down his cock in a death-grip.

He muffled their moans with a desperate, wet kiss, until Annie began to subside. He slowly thrust in and out, her muscles slowly unclenching.

“Fuck,” he moaned quietly, biting her lower lip. “you’re so fucking hot.”

“Keep going.” She muttered, cheeks flushed and eyes relieved. “I want you to come.” She caressed his cheek.

He smiled, removing his cock. He gently grabbed her hips, rolling her onto her hands and knees.

“Is this okay?” he whispered into her earlobe, pressing his abdomen against her back.

Eyes closed, she exhaled shakily. “Yes.”

His cock was glistening wet with her juices. Wrapping his hands around his erection, he jerked himself with hard strokes, and guided himself to her entrance, moaning over the wet, hot feeling of her pussy. He rammed into her, causing him to cry out; his hands dug in her hips as he pumped in and out of her. The sound of his hips clasping against her perfect buttocks, the sight of her arched back, her mid-length blonde hair going wild, the prior image of her face full of pleasure; it drove him **_mad_**.

So immersed in his pleasure, his orgasm hit without him realising. He came with a loud cry, pumping his load inside her. He slowly continued to thrust until he recovered from his orgasm, remaining inside, groaning over the feeling of his hot seed mixing with her juices. He collapsed against her back.

“My God.” He moaned, panting for air, eyes squinted in pleasure. He didn’t realise what had just happened.

She raised an arm to grab the back of his head and tilted hers, bringing his face towards hers. They shared an after-climax kiss, Bertholdt’s hand placed on her stomach—still collapsed against her back.

He plopped next to her and pulled her in for a hug. Their hot, sweaty bodies pressed against each other provided comfort they didn’t imagine they’d ever feel from the other again. Right now, they were whole. They were one again. He loved her, and she loved him.

Right now, nothing could change that. Not even Reiner.


	31. The Source x Of x Her Loyalty I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this is a Titan Trio fan-fiction, I've begun to involve more characters in the story. This is the backstory of someone who has been extremely important to it, and is particularly precious to Reiner: Krista. It will consist of two parts/chapters, but they won't be consecutive.

The concept of memories is difficult to define. Some people describe it as a long, detailed film; a recollection of events. For others, it’s a box you use to cram the past in and store it away. Some memories you want to occasionally grab from the box and reminisce, while some you want to bury permanently.

For Krista, it was the latter.

Krista wanted to forget sometimes.

For Krista, her memories were a series of tiny clips with sound and colour, some more prominent than others, with chunks missing in-between, as though someone forgot to hit the record button.

On a summer Friday afternoon, at the tender age of fourteen, she was sitting at the patio of her house. Her family wasn’t home.

But she was with someone. Even though she was fatigued from her cheer-leading practice, she was still happy and excited. Before her sat the handsome senior she was mad for, the handsome senior she gushed to her friends about. She felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Lucky for being noticed by him, lucky because he talked to her, lucky because he held her hand and boldly kissed her in the school hallway.

Lucky because he offered to ride her home in his bike.

They moved and sat on the stone garden wall, looking down the hillside of her house. They drank tea that Krista prepared herself in order to impress him, and munched on biscuits to accompany it. She sat modestly, trying to not reveal anything as she was wearing her cheerleader outfit.

Krista wanted to be and look lady-like, she wanted to look **_perfect_** for this **_gorgeous_** senior.

“Hey,” he called, sipping his tea. “can we go back to the pool? Feel like dipping my feet in the water. I also gotta get some things from my backpack.” His eyes subtly observed the perfectly shaped thighs that were outlined by the red and pink cheerleading skirt.

She closed her eyes and smiled. “Sure!”

Krista leaped from the wall, her skirt momentarily gusting, exposing more skin from her thighs. She walked towards the pool and the older teen followed her, eyeing her from head to toe. She turned back to look at him, now walking backwards. He hurriedly shifted his eyes back to her upper body.

“My parents won’t come back until Sunday, so tomorrow I’m having a hang-out with my friends”, she turned to the front and continued walking. “A pool party, I guess. You’re free to join us.” Her cheeks flared up, feeling bold over making such an invitation to a cute, older teen. Her crush, of all people!

“Really?” he asked. “I’m sure it’ll be pretty sweet. You okay with my mates coming?”

Krista hummed in approval.

The older boy picked up the pace and reached Krista’s side, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her towards him, as if every part of her body belonged to him.

She didn’t know what to do, so she giggled. Her body threatened to shiver over the touch.

They reached the pool area. Krista took off her socks and shoes, leaving them next to the pool staircase. The older teen pulled his school pants up to his knees, exposing his toned calves. He sat on the ground and dipped his legs in the pool, throwing his head back and sighing over the feeling.

“Shit,” he exclaimed in a laugh. “I needed that. It’s too fucking hot, you’re hella lucky you have a pool.”

She sat next to him, dipping her legs as well. “Right?” she agreed. “My friends and I throw tons of parties here. We’re underage so it’s nothing crazy, but it’s really fun.”

He snorted, offering a smirk that made her heart flutter. “That’s cute. Wait ‘till you get to your last school year, shit gets pretty interesting then.”

“Oh?” she grinned.

Krista’s innocence was so overwhelming that her definition of “ _pretty interesting_ ” was alcohol and suggestive dancing, perhaps giving someone a peck in public.

She thought nothing else.

She stood up and shook her legs to dry her feet, and walked towards one of the lounge chairs.

“Hey,” he tilted his head to follow her movements. “where are you going?”

He was given a gentle smile. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m just going to sit here.” She brought her fist to her mouth and giggled. “Did you think I was going to leave?”

He feigned a painful frown. “I just don’t want you to leave me alone.” He threw his head back, puckering his lips; his green eyes piercing her.

She wanted to kiss him.

Krista played music on her phone as she plopped on one of the chairs. The older teen stood up and enthusiastically lay on the one next to her. They reminisced about the school year and gossiped, until he decided to go for it.

He stood up and offered a hand to her.

“Huh?” she asked, puzzled, timid grin plastered on her face.

“Dance with me.” He demanded, although politely, with a smile.

Her face turned red, and in seconds she became a giggling mess. “I don’t know how to dance.” She lied, eyes threatening to water from the giggling and how nervous she was.

“Oh, please!” he crossed his arms. “You’re a cheerleader, and a damn good one at that. Don’t give me that bull.” He grinned.

This time, he bowed and offered his hand once more, as men do when asking a lady for a dance.

“Dance with me.” He asked once more, leaving Krista with no choice.

She grinned, taking his hand. He pulled her towards him, the abrupt gesture taking Krista by surprise. The electronica music injected adrenaline in his blood stream, making him excited to grind against this girl and see, **_feel_** her dance moves.

He didn’t care about the half a foot height difference, or the four-year age gap.

Even though the music was far from elegant and the older teen’s moves were suggestive, Krista’s movements flowed with a dazzling grace that would have taken away the breath of anyone watching.

Her innocence was evident in her moves.

He ground himself against her while laughing, and she took it playfully. She was still hypnotised by how gorgeous, enchanting, and confident this senior was.

Her crush was entirely innocent, and she was absolutely oblivious to how his interest in her was primitive in nature.

Her fun was interrupted when he abruptly pushed her onto the blue lounger chair she was lying on minutes prior, the teen pressed up against her. He forced his lips onto hers, and while she was shocked, she chose to return the gesture. Kissing seemed innocent enough, and she did want it. But panic rose in her when his hips pressed more against hers, and he forcefully kneed her legs apart. She tried to close them back, but the difference in strength was clear.

His hands explored her abdomen and bust, fingers digging into her almost fully mature breasts. She felt the wetness from the sloppy kiss on her mouth, the sound of his ragged breaths accompanying each kiss.

“W-wait!” she barely managed to gasp between the forced kisses he placed on her.

He was hurting her. The pressure he forced against her squeezed the air out of her, her bony hips felt like they’d bruise the next morning, and she tried to slap away the hands that yanked the hem of her cheerleading shirt up her delicate body. She didn’t feel lucky anymore, and this senior ceased to be handsome or enchanting. Right now, he was scary, and Krista wanted him to leave.

“T-that hurts. Please stop!” She implored.

He laughed into a sloppy kiss. “Don’t be silly. You’ll like it, I promise.”

She fought to push him off her, her breathing accelerating in panic. He only took her trembling as nervousness, nothing more.

Her legs were pushed open by his hand, the free one still digging into her breasts. His fingers rubbed her groin, nails scratching it as he tried to pull her panties out of the way. The cotton being violently rubbed against her made her skin burn.

This guy was lost in carnal desire.

“P-please stop!” she begged again. “Why aren’t you listening?” she tried to kick him away, the senior finally able to rip her panties away. The panic within her snapped, her fragile heart feeling as though it would burst. Her inhales were violent.

Tears now rolled down her cheeks. He didn’t even notice her mortified expression, believing what he was doing wasn’t malicious at all, and that she wanted this as much as he did. After all, she had accepted all his advances prior to this point. She was always nervous around him, particularly when she liked something he did, and to him, this was no exception.

Krista understood that her begging was falling on deaf ears, and that’s when she held her breath in disbelief over the severity of the situation. That’s when she realised the dreadful sense of her naivety, her immaturity. She realised she wasn’t lucky he noticed her or offered to bring her home, she realised he didn’t like her at all and only wanted to have his way with her.

The recognition of her innocence and naivety broke her.

While this thought process occurred, the boy placed kisses all over her neck, his left hand wandered all over her body, the right one paying particular attention to her special place. Though she was crying, the motion began to, gradually, feel good; and this only served to devastate her more. She felt revolted, sick to her stomach; she wanted to vomit. She had never felt filthier in her life, and even though none of this was her fault, she still hated herself for it. Her body betrayed her, and she **_hated_** herself for it.

“I told you it’d feel good.” He whispered hurriedly in ragged breaths, his throbbing erection in pain, begging to be sated.

She opened her mouth to beg once more, but she couldn’t. No words came out. She simply couldn’t believe what was going on. She placed her hands on his shoulders and applied as much pressure as she could, trying to push him off her again. She tried to bring her leg up to press her knee against his stomach, but the difference in strength was insurmountable. He firmly held her in place, making all her attempts futile.

Her mind sped and sped, until she was hit with a sharp, incredible pain inside her. She jolted, gasping reflexively over the surprise. He forced his cock in her, and she didn’t know how it happened. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing tears to roll down her cheeks and gritted her teeth in pain. He mistook her groans of pain for something else.

He was insane.

Krista understood what was going on, but her mind didn’t allow her to process and digest the situation. All she knew was that she felt as if she were being ripped from the inside, and that her vaginal canal burned.

“Fuck,” he whimpered into her ear. “you’re so tight.”

She fell into so much shock the tears stopped. Her eyes widened immensely and her mouth hung agape. All she could do was turn her head and look at the long leaves next to the lounge chair, then the floating ball on the pool; thinking that this **_hurt_**. What was happening inside of her **_hurt_**. He thrusted harder each time, his moans muffled by his face being nuzzled against the crook of her neck. Her view of the pool, the leaves, the house; it all jumped up and down, up and down. Her grip on him completely loosened, her body debilitated.

Minutes, that felt like hours, passed, and he finally pulled out of her and finished by jerking himself with his hand. He tugged down her skirt and cupped her face, kissing her on the lips with a smile.

Her cheeks were wet.

“Please leave.” Is all she managed to say in midst of her broken voice.

He stood up, frowning over the odd request. “Why? Your pops aren’t getting home until Sunday, right?” he inquired as he pulled his pants up. “We have all afternoon to hang out. We can watch a film, or go out or whatever you want.” He suggested, buckling his pants.

Krista bit her lip to hold down a whimper. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. This person she thought was trustworthy, enchanting, completely defiled her. And he was acting as though nothing had happened, as if he had done nothing wrong. Everything that just occurred was so sudden, so **_rushed_**. It didn’t even feel real.

“I remembered I have to go somewhere.” She sat up, feeling sharp pain inside her vagina.

“Aw.” he pursed his lips. “I can take you there, if you want.”

“N-no.” she answered passively. She hated him. “You can see yourself out, r-right?”

His eyebrows furrowed. “You really want me to leave so suddenly?”

She nodded, gaze averted.

He sat next to her, holding her hand. “But why?” he asked.

Was this guy serious? Did he not understand the severity of the situation, what he had just **_done_**? Did he not understand what he just did to this girl?

Krista squeezed her legs shut, pulling her hand away. “I remembered I have to do something.” She muttered, looking at the floor. Sitting hurt immensely, it burned. Her inside felt **_torn_**. “It’s just that.”

He smirked. Normally, she’d think it was absolutely enchanting, but now she was disgusted. 

“At least walk me out.” he demanded playfully, breaking the distance between their faces to demand a kiss. Her body tensed up. She clenched her fists and looked away, heart racing.

A minute of awkward silence passed.

He crouched and cupped her chin, turning her face to his. “Alright then. Thanks for the hang-out. See ya on Monday, okay?” he leaned towards her and tried, once more, to place a kiss on her lips, but she moved her face, rejecting him.

He kissed her cheek instead. “See you, Krista.”

He put his shoes on, grabbed his backpack and walked towards the back door. He momentarily stopped and turned back to look at her, wondering why things were so awkward all the sudden. He shook it off and left, leaving Krista staring into the abyss.

Once he was out of sight, she turned her head to look at the panties that lay on the floor, eyes shifting to the small drops of semen he left on the chair. Her body quivered as she leaned to grab her underwear, and hugged it against her while sobbing.

She stood up, and limped towards the pool. She dipped her panties into it and walked back towards the chair, scrubbing the bodily fluid with them. Her insides hurt progressively the more she cried.

The broken girl limped towards the house and the first thing she did was plop onto the living room couch and desperately cry into the cushion.

She felt wetness between her thighs, and that’s when she rubbed her hand against her sensitivity, her fingers shown with tints of blood once she brought them up to view. This, and the disgusting sight of white stickiness on her right thigh, only made her cry more.

Hours passed after she cried herself to sleep, Krista unable to attend the dozens of missed phone calls, since she left her phone on the pool area.

Knocks on the door disrupted her sleep. She opened her puffy, bloodshot eyes and rubbed them with the back of her hands. She pondered whether to open the door, or let the visitor(s) go away. She just wanted to continue crying, and drown in her own misery. She was afraid of opening the door, afraid that **_he_** might be the one knocking.

“Krista?” a concerned voice from the outside called. She gasped.

She stood up and quietly walked towards the door, pressing her hand against her pelvis. She peeked through the peep-hole and saw Reiner Braun, one of the guys from her group of friends.

Reiner, the bombshell fifteen-year-old boy in her classroom that was loved by everyone. They were friends, but they weren’t **_too_** close.

She didn’t know why he was here. If she was late for a party or meet-up, it was normally Ymir, Sasha or Annie that checked up on her. From the boys, it was Eren or Jean, but never Reiner. This was a massive coincidence. How strange that tonight, of all nights, after the traumatic experience she underwent hours prior, he would appear when she was **_completely alone_**. She felt frightened. What if he did something to her too? Reiner got along with the seniors. He’ll definitely do something to her.

She didn’t respond to his calls.

What if this was all a ploy to defile her? What if they all planned to have their way with her? Her currently irrational mind wandered to scenarios that would never occur. Reiner was a trusted comrade that would never lay a finger on any woman, but that wasn’t what was in Krista’s mind at the moment. Any man could be an enemy right now, even Reiner. Even a harmless, gentle giant like Bertholdt Hoover; the shiest, nicest boy from their group of friends.

Her trance was broken when she jolted by hearing a knock on the window.

“Mr. Lenz? Mrs. Lenz?” the concerned voice insisted.

She held her breath and rested her forehead against the door, holding back cries with all her might. She was so scared, but her friends knew she was supposed to be home today. Their meet-up was at night, so they knew she couldn’t have been anywhere during the afternoon. If she didn’t do something right now, Reiner would most likely cause a fuss. It would bring attention to Krista, and that’s the **_least_** she wanted right now.

She’ll open the door just to tell him she was asleep and he interrupted her, while keeping her distance.

Reiner jumped from a scare when hearing the door open abruptly.

“Krista?” he called in relief, smile reverted from his face once he saw her expression.

“Krista!” he called again. “What’s wrong?”

He tried to barge into the house, but she reflexively pushed him back, completely afraid of any sort of physical contact. She cleaned her blood-stained fingers with the back her skirt.

“I-I was sleeping” she held her arm, looking at the floor. “Please leave, I want to stay in tonight. I’m feeling a little bit ill.”

Reiner could see right through her lies.

“Krista,” he was concerned “what’s going on? Why were you crying?”

“I told you I was sleeping; my eyes just get puffy when I sleep a lot. And I’m sick too, so yeah.” She still averted eye contact.

“Sick?” he asked. “But you were just fine at school.” He cracked up. “Did you eat something bad? Do you have diarrhea?” he jested.

She was quiet.

His smile reverted once more over her lack of response.

“I was trying to act okay, I didn’t want to look all sick while in class.”

Reiner frowned. “Is it a cold? My eyes get all puffy when I have a cold. Mostly because of allergies and stuff. If it’s a cold, I can show you some home remedies you can use to feel better.” He smiled.

She was about to deny, when he walked in without permission.

Her eyes widened and her body tensed as she felt his arm wrapped around her neck. “Come on, I’ll show you the magic of lemon and honey.”

That’s when he felt a dull hint of pain in his ribs. She had forcefully pushed him away.

“Woah!” he exclaimed, a slight tone of annoyance in his voice. “What the fuck was that for?”

He quietly gasped when seeing her expression. Her body trembled, and her bloodshot eyes filled with tears.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” She shrieked.

Reiner rose a brow. “Dude,” he walked towards her, stroking his right rib “the fuck is up with you?”

She took a step back. “Stop! D-don’t get anywhere near me!” she grabbed a book from the coffee table. “I’ll-I’ll knock you out!” her weak voice made for a pathetic command.

Reiner wanted to laugh in confusion, but her abnormal behaviour alarmed him dramatically.

_Why is she acting so fucking crazy?_

“Okay.” He rose his hands, taking two steps back. “But will you tell me what’s wrong?”

There was silence for two minutes.

Then, she snapped like a dam. She collapsed on the floor and began crying uncontrollably. Reiner stood in shock, not knowing what to do. His momentary hesitation ended when he bolted to her and shook her shoulders to ask what happened.

He looked around as she sobbed, trying to find any signs of a break-in or struggle. Had someone broken in?

She felt disgusted over his touch and slapped his hands away, pushing him back. “I said don’t touch me!”

Reiner rose his hands one more and scurried away from her. He **_recognised_** this sight. The sight of someone broken, someone that wasn’t lucid over trauma. He sat, looking at her, trying to figure out what was going on. Had it been any other young teen, their reaction would have been to leave, muttering about the person’s crazy behaviour. But Reiner wasn’t just anyone. He knew how to handle this. He was the only one in the world who could comfort his broken friend Bertholdt—the only one in the world who knew how to make him talk. If he could do that to him, someone **_severely_** abused, he was sure he could help Krista too.

He will be patient.

As the subdued girl remained on the floor, sobs gradually decreasing, he brought a cold glass of water and a paper towel from the kitchen. He placed them on the coffee table and distanced himself from Krista.

Reiner texted Eren, saying Krista was late because she passed out due to exhaustion from her cheerleading practise. He lied, saying she told him she wanted to stay in because of how tired she was. Her phone had “died” as she didn’t charge it before passing out. He was “leaving” right now, and might take a while because of some “stops” he had to “make”.

Almost half an hour had passed after this, when Reiner’s ring-tone interrupted the silence, and he took the call.

Krista was calmer now.

“Hey, ma.” he greeted. “Yep, I’m over at Krista’s to hang out for a bit. No, Bertl isn’t here.”

Krista gulped down the glass of water and blew her nose.

“He’s at Eren’s, mom.” He bit his nail. He sighed in frustration, rolling his eyes. “Mom, I didn’t crash. I’m just fine.

He stayed at Eren’s because he was playing Halo with Armin, ma. I just came here to check on Krista because she was late and we got worried.”

Krista gasped when she remembered she wasn’t wearing panties.

“Mom, please!” he begged, as if imploring her to retract what she had just suggested. “It’s not like that. Jesus.”

Reiner eyed Krista, hoping his talking wasn’t making her uncomfortable. He couldn’t decipher the expression on her face.

“Yeah, yeah. Love you too, mom.” He hung up.

Reiner positioned himself beside the coffee table. He leaned his elbows on it, interlaced his fingers and propped his chin on them. He waited patiently for Krista to talk.

“I won’t move from here until you tell me what’s wrong.”

More minutes passed, until Krista stood up, breaking the silence.

“I’m going to take a shower. Please leave, Reiner. I don’t feel well.” Her tone wasn’t authoritative this time.

She didn’t think about waiting for him to leave. She walked away, and that’s when Reiner not only noticed her limping, but the dry blood on the back of her skirt.

 _Oh._ He thought. _It’s just her period._

“All this drama because of your period?” He chuckled. “Come on, there’s no shame in that.”

She froze.

His chuckle was forced, he couldn’t make himself believe his own lie. He couldn’t deduce anything else because of the blood but Krista being on her period, and having painful cramps, that would explain her attitude. And yet, the way she broke down, how she hit him. There’s no way it could be something ** _so_** mundane. He knew it had to be something more. Something happened to her today, and he needed to find out what it was. He chose to take a risk and walked towards her before she had the chance to leave.

He gently grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him.

_Just like with Bertholdt._

“Hey, you.” He cooed, stroking her shoulders with his thumbs.

He was about to do something that would make a recently abused person have one of two reactions: panic completely, or give in. In occasions, both.

Physical contact.

He wrapped his arms around her, gently bringing her towards him, and kindly embraced her.

She began having trouble breathing, her chest shuddering rapidly, and she tried to resist by hitting him, kicking him—hurting him in any way she could.

“I know, I know.” He placed his chin on her head, stroking her hair. That’s when she gave in and broke down once more, crying into his arms.

Minutes of comforting later, she chose to tell him everything.

Reiner was raring to **kill**.


	32. Opening x Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Little update a day after posting this chapter: someone asked for my e-mail because they wanted to chat or request things, so I'm posting it here in case anyone reading this might want something similar! It's ana@ipcg.co  
> ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
> 
> Man, it's weird to think about how this story has turned out. I never imagined I'd write so much, in so little time. Before you read the chapter, bear with me, there's just something I want to say.
> 
> I know I don't have an audience anywhere near as large or interactive as other AOT/SNK authors have. However, there's three (perhaps four) people in particular I notice are very invested, and I love it. I feel like writing this because one of them apologised for opening up "too much" in one of their comments because a chapter "hit them on a personal level", and what I want to respond is: COMMENT AWAY.
> 
> Guys, if there's something you want to say, GOOD OR BAD, please do! If you want to analyse a chapter, please do! If you want to shit on one of my chapters, do it! If you want to theorise, do it! I know that I'm extremely annoying, always asking for comments, but try to understand why. A comment, however simple or complex, is always good because it helps the author realise there's people interested in their story. It means there's people that are still actively reading, and this is *so* important to motivate an author. Sometimes, if you have a quiet audience, you wonder if you have an audience at all, and the fear of people disliking where things are headed surfaces. This is the case for me, at least.
> 
> This work is extremely special to me because I've always been a person that's wanted to do things, among them write, but has never done them because I believe I'm not talented or good enough. This year I finally mustered enough courage to write a fan-fiction (something I've wanted to do for years), and was overwhelmed when I saw people liked it. So, that's why comments mean so, so much to me, and wanted to thank the people that are always providing me feedback (FireandIce128, pooKie420, EncryptedKaOs. Specially FireandIce, he's been here from the very beginning!) To recognise I've done something right feels surreal.
> 
> Anyway, all of this babbling just to say that if there's something you want to know or critique, compliment me or bash me about, do it. I accept "damn, you're good" as much as I accept "bro, stop. You're boring and you suck."
> 
> So, with all that being said... HERE'S THE CHAPTER. By the way, the last part I thought of you while writing it, pooKie420. When you read it, you'll see why!
> 
> I love all of you who actively read this! LOOKS LIKE I GOT SOMEWHAT EMOTIONAL, SORRY...

“S-stop!” Annie coughed. “You’re choking me!” she tapped Sasha’s shoulder furiously. The girl was hugging her with all her might.

“No!” she refused. “You can roundhouse kick me later, but right now I’m happy, so let me have this!” she tightened her grip, grin plastered on her face. She moved her head from side to side to rub her cheek against Annie’s.

Bertholdt scratched his temple, observing the scene with a shy smile. Armin stood to his left, Eren to his right.

They did it.

Annie and Bertholdt made up.

“Ah, thank goodness!” Marco clapped once. “Now things can finally get back to normal.”

Reiner leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed. Krista sat next to him. He wasn’t sure how to feel. Should he be happy because Bertholdt and Annie are okay now, lifting the tension off the group, or should he be worried because there’s a possibility he might lose Bertholdt to Annie once more?

In contrast to these two, Bertholdt and Reiner hadn’t had a proper reconciliation. He needs to make his move **_now_** before it’s too late.

 _Now, what to do?_ Reiner asked himself. _What can I do to drive him away from her?_ He held the back of his neck, sternly observing Annie and the evident look of relief on her face. It stirred something negative in him.

He gritted his teeth. _That bitch._ His eyes sunk, crossing his arms once more. Krista noticed the stone-face expression he bore, and this rose concern in her.

Reiner didn’t know when this happened, but he **_loathed_** Annie. He wasn’t sure if it was because she’s his competition for Bertholdt’s affections, or because she dared to lay a finger on him. Now that he thought about it, it was mostly the latter. To him, it was one thing to tell Bertholdt to go fuck himself after the break-up, but it was another, **_entirely differen_** t thing to **_physically_** hurt him.

When he saw Bertholdt arrive home that night with a broken nose, Reiner rewired himself.

He protected Bertholdt militantly. His ideals were inflexible and absolute, his feelings resulted in fanaticism—not allowing him to act with clarity when it came to his friend. Annie injured him, despite knowing his history of abuse. In Reiner’s mind, there was no justification whatsoever for this. This was unacceptable, and worse than **_anything_** he and Bertholdt had done to her. This made Annie his enemy.

He will protect him from her. She deserved to get hurt, and hurt her he will.

 _Just gotta think of something and find a way._ His lips curved into a small smile.

Krista didn’t know what he was thinking, but she figured it couldn’t be something good. Sometimes, Reiner made her feel uneasy. Bertholdt may be his best friend, but Krista **_knows_** and has **_seen_** sides of him that **_nobody_** else has. Krista is the only person who knows Reiner better than **_anyone_**.

“Well,” Eren announced, gripping Bertholdt’s shoulder with a smile. “we have to celebrate!”

“Can we please just settle down and watch something? My legs fucking hurt from the hike,” Jean plopped on the couch with a groan. “and I’m cold too. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to hike during winter? Seriously.”

Marco looked at his moody, feisty boyfriend with utmost affection.

“W-what about an orgy?” Armin jested, although **_very_** timidly. “Like on _The Perfume_ ”, he looked at Bertholdt, who would understand the book reference.

Mikasa was lightning the fireplace with Annie.

Bertholdt slapped the back of his head with a smirk. “Shut up, coconut head.”

Eren brought a fist to his mouth and cracked up. “Armin, where the fuck did that come from?” he rose a brow.

Armin rubbed the spot Bertholdt hit him on, and furrowed his eyebrows. “I-I was just kidding. It was a dumb joke.”

“Joke my ass.” Bertholdt snorted, crossing his arms. “Armin’s one of those nerds that are really quiet, but you have to beware of. Dudes like him are the most perverted ones, and the ones who would shoot-up a kindergarten.”

“Jesus, Bertl!” Eren looked up from his phone, eyebrows furrowed. “Where did **_that_** come from?”

“He’s got a point.” Jean said, arms behind his head and feet resting on the coffee table. Marco was next to him, browsing through Netflix. “Beware the quiet ones, they’re the creepiest fucks.” He looked at Bertholdt. “And that includes you, Bertl. You’re fucking weird too, I don’t trust you.”

Bertholdt frowned, genuinely offended. “Hey, what is that supposed to mean?”

While this rather odd conversation went on, Reiner looked at Krista warmly. “What’s going on with you and Ymir?” he asked quietly.

Krista made eye contact, eyes gentle and soft smile on her face. “You noticed?”

He nodded.

“It’s nothing.” she sighed, dangling her legs. “Just silly couple stuff, you know how it is.” She looked at Bertholdt.

Reiner checked his phone during the seconds of silence.

“Are you happy for him?” Krista asked.

“Sorry?” Reiner put away his phone in his pocket.

She lowered her tone. “Are you happy for Bertl?”

Reiner blinked. “Oh.” He looked forward. “Yeah, I guess. The tension’s eased, so I suppose that’s something to be happy about.”

“Reiner,” she called softly, looking at the floor. “you’re not going to do anything weird, right?”

He creased his eyebrows, gazing at her intently, as if that were going to make her return the stare. “What are you implying?”

She pursed her lips.

“Krista,” he called. “what are you implying?”

_I’m implying that I’m scared about what you’re going to do now. Look at how you acted when you found out they were dating, what are you going to do now that there's a possibility they might get back together?”_

“Nothing.” She answered softly. “My mind’s just wandering.”

Reiner smiled. _Yeah, I thought so._ He wrapped his arm around her and kissed her head as an act of comfort. His gaze directed to the coffee table area when listening shouts, the voices belonging to Bertholdt and Eren.

Annie, Armin, Jean, Marco, Mikasa, Sasha and Ymir bore perplexed and amused expressions. Armin could barely contain his laughter.

“No, shut the fuck up,” Bertholdt pointed at Eren, beer in his left hand. “you’re the one that’s not understanding.”

Eren threw his head back and rubbed his face in desperation.

“It’s not that fish are dry,” Bertholdt put his beer on the coffee table and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “it’s that our understanding of wet is based on not being submerged in water, but in the air. When you—”

Eren creased his eyebrows, looking at Bertholdt both in disbelief and as though he were stupid. “What the fuck are you talking about?” he interrupted. “If you’re in the water, you’re wet. Literally. If you’re outside the water, you’re not wet.”

Armin cried from the preposterous argument. Jean covered a massive grin with his hand, muffling his increasing laughter. He was looking around the whole room, face flushed and eyes teary, wondering what the fuck was going on.

“Shut your trap,” Bertholdt yelled, a chuckle escaping him. “I wasn’t done talking.”

Annie adored the sight of Bertholdt being so feisty. She didn’t realise she was smiling, which annoyed Reiner.

“Eren,” Bertholdt laughed, trying to figure out a way to make his brain-dead friend understand his point. “even if you’re outside the water, you’re still wet. Yes, you’re right, technically speaking, the **_adjective_** wet indicates something is **_surrounded_** by water, but arguing semantics is a waste of time. We don’t always follow semantics militantly, language is flexible.”

He stretched his arms over his head. “When you get out of a pool and you’re leaking water, you don’t say some dumb shit like ‘ _oh, my body is leaking water, but I’m not wet_ ’, right? You say something like ‘shit, get me a towel, I’m wet’, not some--”

Before he could finish his sentence, Eren grabbed a cushion and stood up, walking towards Bertholdt. He began to strike him, over and over, with it. Bertholdt rose his hands, covering his face. He was as red as a tomato.

Even the moody Reiner couldn’t help but laugh over the enfolding sight.

Armin was in tears, wheezing in laughter. “I can’t.”

Bertholdt gently kicked him in the stomach, pushing him away. “You’re so fucking dumb. Stop being so dumb.”

Eren struck him a final time.

“You two are ridiculous.” Annie stated with a smug smirk. “Arguing over whether fish are wet or not. What are you? Five?” she mocked.

Reiner **_loathed_** how condescending she was. What once didn't bother him at all now brewed hatred in him.

_Shut your mouth. Let them have fun for once, fuck’s sake._

“Yeah, yeah.” Eren replied, rubbing the back of his head.

Krista giggled, but stopped when seeing Ymir head outside alone. She still wasn’t sure about what to do, she didn’t fully understand why she was mad at her. Was it because Krista was drunk and agreed to Bertholdt and Ymir making out? If that was the case, then she didn’t see what the big deal was. Krista wanted to go after her and talk things out, but frankly, she wasn’t in the mood for arguments.

She wrapped her arms around Reiner’s and pulled him towards her. “Let’s watch something with them.”

He looked down to her, then at Jean and Marco. “I don’t see why not.”

They sat next to Jean, walking past Sasha and Bertholdt, who were headed to the dining table. Krista snuggled up to Reiner.

“Oh,” Marco smiled, momentarily stopping his browsing. “you guys want to join us?” He sat up and cleared his throat. “You guys,” he drew everyone’s attention, silencing the room. “are you going to join us in binge-watching something?”

Armin, Annie and Mikasa, who were talking to Eren seated on the couch diagonal to Jean's, agreed. Sasha and Bertholdt, sitting at the dining table, shortly discussed it.

“You should join them.” Bertholdt, leaning on his right hand, muttered.

Sasha frowned. “But what about Skyrim?” she said. Bertholdt had told her, for a couple of weeks now, that he wanted to teach her how to play The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. The game sounded incredibly exciting for Sasha, and she was beyond happy to agree to Bertholdt teaching her. Today, a cozy, cold and dark winter afternoon, seemed like the perfect occasion to do so.

“We can do that later, or tomorrow. I honestly feel like reading something alone right now.” he lied, playfully flicking her hand.

She crossed her arms. “You’re no fun.”

“Come on,” he begged. “I kind of want to be alone right now.”

“But why?” she asked, audible concern in her voice. “Did something happen?” she leaned closer to him. “Are you okay?”

His eyes subtly widened due to how close her face was to his. He pulled his head back a little. “I am. Why?”

“I don’t know.” she replied sincerely. “You made up with Annie and stuff, I thought you’d be in a good mood and want to be with all of us.”

“Aw,” he smiled warmly. “I am fine. And, precisely because I’m fine, I want to be alone for a little bit. Reading makes me feel at ease.” He placed his hand on hers, a sweet gesture of comfort Bertholdt enjoyed providing to his female friends. “Trust me.”

Sasha smiled back. “Fine. Go be a boring nerd, then.” She pulled her hand back. She stood up and walked to one of the couches, squeezing herself between Jean and Marco.

“What the fuck, potato girl?” Jean exclaimed, annoyed that his arm was forcefully taken away from being wrapped around Marco’s neck.

“Jean!” Marco leaned and looked at him, scolding him over the impolite nickname. “That’s not nice at all.”

Sasha, feigning to be offended, cuddled up to Marco, sticking her tongue out to Jean, as to mock him due to Marco being on her side.

Arguing ensued.

Bertholdt observed from the table, smile on his face. He noticed Annie was walking up to him. He perked up.

“Aren’t you coming?” she asked.

It took him a couple of seconds to respond.

“No.” he answered. “There’s something I need to do.”

Reiner subtly observed them from the corner of his eye.

Annie rose a brow. “Is something the matter?”

“No, no.” he smiled, standing up. “Don’t worry.” He held her hand, grazing his thumb across hers.

She held back a smile and squeezed his hand. “Okay.”

She turned back, but he held her wrist before she could leave. She looked at him.

“What is it?”

He took advantage that everyone was too immersed in conversing and browsing for something to watch. He pulled her close to him, still holding her wrist and pressed his lips against her ear.

“I love you.”

Annie gently pushed him away. “Don’t say that." she demanded. "Don’t take what happened today as if everything were dandy and fine, because it's not. There’s still things we have to talk about.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, but understood. “Okay.”

She walked back to the couch, sitting next to Mikasa. Eren leaned forward and looked at her, enthusiastic grin from his on-going conversation on his face. He said something Bertholdt couldn’t hear and grabbed her arm.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and made his way up-stairs.

_First things first._

He reached his room and walked out to the balcony, reflexively shivering over the cold. He grabbed his phone from his pocket, and dialed the number he had been calling almost endlessly for the last three days.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

No answer.

He groaned and tightened the grip on his phone.

_Come on, old man. Why do you never pick up?_

He leaned against the balcony railing and sighed. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, taking in the cold air, feeling it overtake his lungs. He held his breath for a couple of seconds, and opened his eyes as he exhaled.

He bit his inner cheek.

He looked down the balcony and sighed again. He tapped the railing three times and turned, going back in the room.

_Now…_

He walked around the halls and directed himself to Ymir and Krista’s room. He knocked twice. Nothing.

He opened the door and looked around, Ymir was nowhere to be seen.

While he spent all morning with Annie, and everyone else had been back for only about an hour, he was still observant enough to notice something was wrong between Ymir and Krista.

_It’s probably my fault._

He walked down the stairs and sneaked into the patio. Ymir was there. He slid the door quietly to close it.

Ymir looked back to see who the intruder was. She looked at Bertholdt for a couple of seconds without saying anything, and looked to the front. Just like he was minutes prior, she was leaning on the patio’s railing.

“Hey.” He greeted softly, positioning himself to her left, emulating her pose.

She didn’t respond.

“What a grim ass day. I thought winter would look a little nicer than this around here.” He stated casually.

No response.

He looked at her. “Ymir—”

“Stop.” She muttered.

His lips parted.

“Stop trying to make conversation. You’re awkward.”

He pursed his lips. He didn’t know what he did, but he’s sure it must have been something wrong.

“Okay.” He responded quietly, standing. “Then I’ll cut to the chase.” He interlaced his hands and rested them against the railing. “What’s wrong?”

She gritted her teeth, looking forward.

“Is it about last night?” he inquired.

Her eyes wandered down the hill of the cabin, then up to the mountains. The trees were veiled in fog, their silhouettes visible blankets of white.

“It has nothing to do with you.” She responded.

“Are you sure?” his eyebrows furrowed. “If it’s because I agreed to that dare… look, I drank a lot, and I really didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable—”

She sighed quietly.

“You must think I’m disgusting. I’m sorry, Ymir.” He looked forward, frowning.

“Hmph.” she brushed her hair back with her fingers, taking her bangs out of the way. “Don’t be so harsh on yourself.” She muttered. “I agreed to it too.”

“Still…” he tried to choose his words carefully. “I didn’t imagine it would upset you so much.”

She stretched her arms over her head, walking towards one of the chairs. She sat on it as she sighed.

“As I said,” she crossed her leg. “it has nothing to do with you.”

“Well,” he sat on the chair across hers. “I know you and Krista aren’t okay, not since last night. It must be related to me somehow, no?”

“Don’t flatter yourself.” She mocked.

His eyes widened. “T-that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean I’m the reason you’re not okay… I just meant that perhaps it’s related to the dare, and I was involved in the dare, so—”

“Bertholdt.” She called, making him stop in his tracks. “Stop talking. You’re annoying.”

He exhaled softly, leaning on his left hand.

“I don’t know why you’re upset,” he admitted “but I want to know. What happened between you two?” he crossed his feet.

“It’s nothing.” Her tone was annoyed. “Seriously, stop prying. It’s none of your business.”

“Yes, it is.”

She leaned forward, expression disgusted. “Excuse me?”

“You’re my friend. Friends have each other’s backs. It **_is_** my business.” He stated firmly.

“No,” her tone rose slightly. “it doesn’t work that way. Sharing a friendship doesn't mean you're entitled to your friend's problems. It has **_nothing_** to do with you, so it’s none of **_your_** business, and that is that.”

He squinted. “Me being depressed over Annie and Reiner was none of your business too, yet you interfered and helped me.”

She smiled condescendingly. “I didn’t do it for you, I told you I did it for the group.”

He swallowed, trying to not feel hurt. “Letting me cry in your lap, comforting me, taking me home; I’m sure there was more to all that than the group.”

“No.” she lied. “I told you I did it because I didn’t want the group to crumble.”

“Yes,” he agreed “but you said that was **_also_** why you did it. Before that you said you felt bad, so you helped me.”

“I don’t see how me feeling pity means you can stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.” She sniped. “You were being a cry-baby, and your crying was making everyone uncomfortable, so, I had to help somehow.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He closed it, but kept his lips parted.

“Besides,” she continued “it technically was my business, and you being okay was in my best interests, but not because of your well-being. As I told you, our group follows a chain of command, and if you weren’t okay, Reiner wouldn’t be. Had Reiner not been okay, neither would have Krista. It was my business because it affected me.”

“I see.” He muttered.

The visible distress that her words caused him brewed something in her. She didn’t mean to be offensive, she just tended to be a little hurtful when she was in a foul mood.

Bertholdt was looking at the floor, eyebrows furrowed. She wanted to roll her eyes. His depressed puppy face angered her because of how sensitive she knew he was. He was, most likely, being dramatic, thinking that nobody cared about him. That he was worthless. Then again, it was only natural for someone like Bertholdt to do that. Her words stung because the image of Ymir caring about him crumbled, like a chisel and hammer break down a sculpture.

His low self-esteem didn’t allow him to realise she was only being hurtful and didn’t mean what she was saying. Ymir realised this.

“Sorry.” She cooed. “I wasn’t being serious. I did it for the group, but for you too. I didn’t mean to imply I didn’t or don't give a shit about you.”

He still looked at her with sad eyes.

“Stop!” she demanded. “Stop looking at me like that, like a lost puppy or some shit. You’re so dramatic.” She grumbled, looking to the side.

His lips curved into a small smile. He stood up and sat cross-legged on the floor, in front of her. She looked down to him.

He rested his chin on her knee, looking at her with glistening eyes.

“Seriously?” her lips threatened to smile. “Now you’re acting like a dog?”

He imitated a soft puppy grunt.

Ymir’s lips trembled, her fighting furiously to hold back a smile.

Bertholdt placed his arms on her knee and rested his chin on them. “Tell me what’s wrong.” He asked gently. “And feel free to smile.”

She gave in and smiled, stroking the top of his head. “You’re really pathetic, Bertholdt.”

He grinned in wonder.

“Stooping to this level just for some juicy gossip?” she jested.

“I’m endearing.” He stated.

“Pfft, please.”

“I’m adorable and you know it.” He grinned.

“You’re trash.”

“I’m your trash.” He announced proudly.

She held her breath, trying to think of an insult. “Why are you like this?”

“How?” he tilted his head, resting it on his forearm.

 _So endearing._ “So dumb. Just look at you.”

He perked up and his expression turned serious. Her relaxed expression reverted, wondering if that upset him.

“I care about you.” He stated firmly, his determined eyes piercing her.

Ymir’s brow furrowed. She stroked his hair, then let go. “Get up, you idiot.” She gently kicked him away from her.

Bertholdt grabbed a chair from the patio dining table and placed it in front of her, backwards, and sat on it. He rested his arms on top of it.

Ymir turned her head and looked at the window. The blinds were shut and she could see the living room light on. The group was watching TV, but she didn’t want to risk their conversation being eavesdropped.

“Not here.” She requested. She stood up and walked around the cabin, Bertholdt following, to the very end towards the backdoor, where the hot-tub lay. She turned the heater on and waited. She took off her shirt, revealing her bra.

Bertholdt’s eyes widened. “D-do I take my shirt off too?” he asked.

“Uh,” she eyed him in disbelief. “it’s a hot tub, Bertl-san. You can get in it however you want, I just don’t want my shirt to be soaked, so I’m taking it off.”

He felt stupid. “S-sorry, I just got nervous.”

“Chill out, will you? We’re not going to do anything, you fucking freak.”

“I-I know. It’s just…” he rubbed the back of his neck. “f-forget I said anything.” He took off his shirt and kicked away his sandals.

Ymir dipped her fingers to test the temperature. She was pleased. She bent and took off her shorts, getting in the hot-tub. Bertholdt followed.

“Ah…” Bertholdt sighed, closing his eyes. He slowly slid down, leaving only his eyes exposed. He brought his head back up, resting it against the head-rest. “Now this,” he looked at Ymir “this is the life.”

She grinned at him.

“Now,” he waved the water. “are you ready to tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s really dumb.” She muttered, somewhat embarrassed.

“Of course it’s not.” He reassured. “If it’s upsetting you, it’s serious.”

She explained to him the concerns she voiced to Krista hours prior. Bertholdt nodded all the way through.

“I don’t know,” she admitted, feeling ridiculous. “it just really bothers me how she’s so care-free about our relationship, and how she wouldn’t mind sharing. But…” she looked down, gritting her teeth.

“But?” Bertholdt cooed.

“What bothers me the most is how clingy she is with Reiner.” She admitted. “Always touching him, always coddling him, how she admitted she’d do shit with him if I was okay with it.” She sighed in annoyance. “Knowing they’ve fucked before is shitty enough as it is.”

“I” Bertholdt scratched his temple. “I didn’t know that until last night.”

Ymir rose a brow.

“I thought I knew their relationship quite well, but it seems I was wrong. I had no idea they had done something like that.” He cleared his throat. “I used to believe Reiner liked her because of how they behaved, though deep down I thought it was me being insane. But I guess there’s more to those two than meets the eye. I really don’t know their history, to be honest.”

She huffed. “Me neither. All I know is they’ve fucked, and I fucking hate it.”

“Ymir,” he cooed. “if you’re somehow afraid that she likes Reiner, you’re dead-wrong. That girl is crazy about you.” He reassured her.

“I find that hard to believe, Bertholdt.” She admitted. “I can’t be comfortable knowing that she’d be fine with doing shit with other people. And **_Him_**. Him specifically. It feels wrong. I wouldn’t even **_think_** of doing something with **_anyone_** else, even if she consented. That’s just not who I am, and to realise now, after all this time, that we’re totally different in that aspect, is frustrating.”

“All of this thought process resulted from a dare?” he asked sincerely, trying to assess the situation. “Did your romantic views never clash prior to this? Superficially, it appears Krista is okay with polyamory, while you’re not. But she’s very respectful, I can’t imagine anyone like her cheating, in any way. If she were to do something with someone, or Reiner, it would only be in the unlikely scenario that you agreed to it. So, there should be no problem.”

“No one thought someone like you would be capable of cheating either.”

His eyes widened. “My situation is different.” He defended himself. “I didn’t go out of my way to do it, what happened between Annie, Reiner and I; it's multiplex, and goes beyond cheating alone.”

She smiled, proud that he had enough courage to defend himself, rather than beating himself up. “You’re right.”

He twiddled his thumbs under the water. “W-what I’m trying to say is, Krista and Reiner share history that, apparently, none of us know about. There’s clearly an emotional attachment. If you replaced ‘ _Reiner_ ’ from the equation with ‘ _anyone_ ’, when saying Krista would do something if you consented, I’m sure she wouldn’t think about it. I don’t understand what it is, but there’s a unusual emotional connection going on there. I don’t think this is a matter of Krista being okay with sharing, or wanting to be intimate with other people." he rose a finger. "I think this is a matter of Krista being okay with it **_only_** if it’s Reiner.”

“So,” she wiggled her toes. “you’re basically saying that I shouldn’t be worried because I wouldn’t consent to anything. Therefore, I should just get over it.”

“I-I… well, w-when you put it like that…” he chuckled nervously. “Um, give me a second.” He bit his nail, pondering.

She smiled at him, due to a strange feeling of pride.

“Eren and I had a chat not too long ago.” He began. “He asked if I was gay because of what happened with Reiner, but I replied I wasn’t. And I was being honest, I’m really not. I told him that it’s not a matter of me liking Reiner because he’s a guy, I like him because he’s ** _Reiner_**. Essentially, I am simply gay **_for_** Reiner.” He slid down. “D-does that make sense?”

“Okay,” she nodded. “and?”

“I presume it’s the same thing for Krista. She’d agree to being intimate with him because he’s Reiner, she wouldn’t do it with anyone else. Their bond is so strong that she’ll always be comfortable with doing anything with him, because it's **_him_**.” He wondered if Reiner reciprocated Krista’s feelings. If he and Bertholdt were together, would he have to share the same concerns as Ymir? “I know it hurts because there’s an emotional attachment involved, it’s not just physical, which I guess is something you can dissociate yourself from more easily. But it’s not because she’s in love with him, she’s in love with **_you_**. What she has for Reiner? It's not love or romantic."

Ymir was prepared to refute, but Bertholdt didn't allow her to interject. "And I don't think so, I **_know_** so. What she has towards Reiner isn't romantic, that unusual attachment to him which makes her happily agree to do anything with him, is mostly out of admiration or... gratitude. I don’t know how to explain it, I haven’t been very eloquent lately.” He made an explosion motion with his hands, an endearing, childish voice effect to match. “My brain’s been fried because of everything that’s happened.”

She brought her fist to her mouth and giggled. This boy really was something.

“I think I understand what you mean,” Her eyes wandered down. “but it still bothers me. Just knowing he’s **_that_** special to her. I guess I’m selfish and want to be the only one for her.”

He nodded in understanding.

“Ymir,” he swam and sat next to her, placing his arm around her. “why don’t you just ask her?” he suggested.

“Huh?”

“Why don’t you just ask her why he means so much to her?” he smiled. “Maybe if she tells you why, you’ll be able to understand why she feels so strongly towards him. And maybe, just maybe” he poked her cheek “you’ll stop hating Reiner so much.” He grinned.

She smiled, but the smile vanished from her face as quickly as it came. She, however, spoke before he could ask what was wrong.

“It’s just…” she cooed. “you didn’t know they favoured each other so much either. And Reiner tells you **_everything_**.” She made eye contact. “I’m just wondering what is **_so_** important that they keep it as their secret, Reiner even hiding it from **_you_**.”

“Hm.” Bertholdt looked up. “It must be something pretty fucked, I guess. But,” he moved a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m certain it’s nothing you can’t fix by talking.”

Her eyes threatened to water.

Bertholdt noticed and rested his forehead against hers, cupping her cheek. “That girl is crazy about you, Ymir.”

She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to hold back the tears—overwhelmed by the support this broken boy was providing her.

“You didn’t deserve it.” She muttered, almost inaudibly.

He rose a brow. “Deserve what?”

She opened her eyes and looked at him, soft expression on her face. “Whatever happened to you. You didn’t deserve it.”

He didn't know what to respond to that.

She abruptly hugged him tightly. He was surprised, but immediately returned the gesture.

“Thank you.” He whispered in her ear.

She smiled into the hug. “What for, you idiot? I should be thanking you.”

Bertholdt grinned. “For opening up.”

Ymir squeezed her eyes shut and sighed.


	33. The Source x Of x Her Loyalty II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be different. There will be mild-violence/abuse, so, just a warning.
> 
> I wanted to toy with this idea because I thought it was the best way to provide a background for Reiner. Hopefully, you'll enjoy the chapter and I won't disappoint. *fingers-crossed*
> 
> By the way, I'm not convinced with the title I've created for Krista's backstory. I want to change it, but don't know to what. If you guys have any suggestions, I happily welcome them!
> 
> REMEMBER THAT THIS IS A FLASHBACK.

“I don’t know about you,” Reiner lied, knowing that Bertholdt, better than anyone, knew. “but sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. As though I’ve come to the conclusion that life is one big **_scam_**.” Reiner tossed the stress ball up and caught it. He repeated the motion over and over, as he lay in bed with his other arm behind his head.

“Um,” Bertholdt muttered, looking up from cleaning his violin. “where did that come from?”

“Bad things happen to good people, scum roam the streets and nobody does anything about it.” Reiner clenched his jaw.

The chimes of Stohess District School were tolling three—indicating that the Saturday senior football practise came to an end—when a strapping, young man bid his friends goodbye, ready to go home. Tonight, a plan will develop to bring the young man’s manic high school senior life, full of alcohol, occasional drugs, and girls, to a frantic halt.

“I’m not sure I understand where you’re coming from.” Bertholdt stood up, placing his violin over his collarbone, supported by his shoulder and left hand. “You’ve been acting weird since last night.” He bowed the strings, testing the instrument’s tuning.

Reiner huffed. “It’s just me being existential.”

“An odd occurrence indeed.” Bertholdt swiveled his body, eyes closed as he began to lose himself in the reverberation of the melody he was producing.

Reiner’s eyes sunk, recalling the weeping mess that was Krista last night. “Tonight will be exciting.” He spoke up, attempting to get his friend to stop playing.

Bertholdt continued playing. Reiner rose his head, observing the grace in which the boy’s fingers moved, and the small, refining angle that his perfectly positioned wrist sloped.

This kid was incredible. “ _Turkish March_ ” was nowhere near being an easy piece to play on the violin.

Reiner threw the stress ball at the virtuoso’s face, interrupting his reverie.

“Excuse you!” Bertholdt scolded.

The blond offered a cheeky smile, freeing himself from any guilt. “You really are amazing, Bertholdt.” he complimented.

“Hmph.” Bertholdt snorted. “It’s not polite to throw things at people’s faces.”

He was readying himself to start over, but his debonair friend interrupted him. “Tonight will be exciting.”

“Ah.” Bertholdt responded, slowly bowing the strings.

“Yo,” Reiner leaned to kick Bertholdt. “pay attention to me!”

“Reiner!” the annoyed boy called. “I’m trying to play!”

 _Play me._ “I don’t give a shit. I need attention to thrive.”

Bertholdt’s eyes narrowed. He put down his violin, “you are very obnoxious.” poking the blond’s ribs with his bow.

Truth was, Reiner was itching to tell Bertholdt the dirty little secret he knew, and he wanted to spit out what he was planning. But could he trust Bertholdt? The broken Krista begged him to not tell anyone what happened to her. But Reiner needed someone—he needed to tell someone, because he needed help.

He wasn't sure he would be able to pull this off alone.

“What are you gonna wear?” Reiner asked, sitting on his elbows.

“What am I,” Bertholdt smirked. “your date?” he placed the violin in the case.

“No homo, bro.” Reiner jested with a grin, placing his arms behind his head. “Just asking because, you know...” he wiggled his eyebrows. “Mina will be there.”

Bertholdt’s eyes widened.

“I was just thinking you should wear something really nice.” He chuckled. “If you want to woo a hottie like her, that is.”

“O-of course I’ll wear something nice!” the now flustered boy sniped. “What do you take me for? A vagabond?”

“Shit,” Reiner sat up, leaning forward. “now I'm curious. It’d be like having sex with a tiny, fragile Mikasa.”

“Reiner!” Bertholdt yelped, amused grin on his face. “That’s disrespectful!”

“Pfft, please.” The blond crossed his arms. “Like you haven’t thought about it before.”

Bertholdt blushed. Reiner was right, if he wanted to woo Mina Carolina, his crush, he had to look presentable.

“She really is so hot…” Bertholdt admitted.

“And she’s not impossible, unlike Mikasa.” Reiner stood to grab his pencil case and sketchbook from the desk. “I’m sure you can do it, buddy.” He accumulated two pillows on the wall, and rested his back against them, bringing his legs to his chest. “You’re a pretty big guy, just be confident.” He opened the sketchbook and placed it on his legs.

“I don’t know how I feel now that I associate Mina’s looks with Mikasa’s, though.” The taller boy admitted, sitting on the computer chair, rolling towards the bed to rest his legs on it.

“Don’t wanna fuck her anymore?” Reiner asked, sketching a circle with a cross on it.

“Come on, Rein.” Bertholdt was serious. “Don’t simplify it so much. I’m not an emotionless sex hound, I don’t want her just for that.”

“Please.” Reiner chuckled. “Aren’t you the one always talking about biology and shit? We’re wired for that, bro.” he glanced at Bertholdt, narrowing his eyes, looking back down to his sketchbook almost immediately.

“You’re over-simplifying modern relationships based on biological theories, something I’ve never done before.” Bertholdt kicked Reiner’s shin, forcing the latter to scrabble an unwanted line. “Don’t be a faggot.” He jested.

“You fucking cunt!” Reiner exclaimed. “You ruined my perfect circle!”

“You’re drawing circles?” Bertholdt inquired. “That’s boring. Besides, you fucked my magical violin session, this act of revenge was bound to happen. Eye for an eye, dipshit.”

Reiner smirked. “Whatever. Now hold still, will ya?”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Bertholdt shook his head sassily, z-snapping his fingers.

“You’re not black.” Reiner laughed. “Stop.”

Bertholdt chuckled, turning red. “Sorry…”

“No, but seriously.” Reiner erased. “Hold still.”

“Wait,” Bertholdt leaned forward, crawling to the bed to see the sketch. “are you drawing me?”

Reiner kneed him in the stomach. “Yes. Now sit back down and hold still, it’s a simple job.”

Bertholdt complied. “Why are you drawing me?”

 _Because you’re an absolutely beautiful work of art, you fucking idiot. I could stare at your face and sketch it all day…_ “Practise.” Reiner stated, measuring.

“Does this work?” Bertholdt leaned forward, resting his elbows on the bed. He placed his chin on his hands, and gave a simple smile. His eyes glistened, as usual.

Reiner’s lips parted. _I love you._ “Nah, your former position’s better.”

“Aw, bummer.” Bertholdt pouted.

Two minutes passed, and all that could be heard was the sound of soft scribbling.

“Am I allowed to do something while you sketch?”

“Hm?” Reiner looked up. “Yeah, you can do whatever, as long as you remain seated. I just need to look at your face.” He looked back down.

Bertholdt unplugged the laptop from the desk and rested it on his lap. He began browsing.

Reiner took advantage of the boy’s distraction, and his sketching, to take a good look at him. He was unbelievably graceful, and so very beautiful. He bore a sweet innocence, the same sweet innocence that Krista exuded. What would he do if someone ever touched Bertholdt inappropriately?

Why would anyone even **_think_** of laying a finger on such gentle creatures?

Reiner tightened his grip on the pencil.

* * *

“Reiner!” The boy named Marcel shouted, extending his arms, beer in his right hand. “Get your ass over here!” the teen grinned, leaving the group he was with behind.

Reiner’s mouth hung agape. “Shit!” he bolted towards him, grin on his face. “Marcel!” he wrapped his arms around the teen’s waist, and lifted him off the ground. The impact from the abrupt hug squeezed the air out of the boy. “Holy fuck!”

Marcel tapped his shoulders furiously, laughing. “Put me down, bro! Don’t be gay.” He jested.

The excited blond complied. “Man…” he placed a hand on Marcel’s shoulder. “A year. A fucking year. About time you came to visit!” he chuckled. “I expected a heads-up, though. This is pretty random.”

“It was a surprise.” Marcel sipped, eyeing him from head to toe. “It’s more impactful for you guys to see me out of the blue, instead of being prepared, wouldn’t you agree?” He wrapped his arm around Reiner’s neck. “I’m just glad to be here with you guys.”

“We’ve got a shit-ton of things to catch up on.” Reiner looked around, imitating his gesture. “Is pork here?”

Marcel pursed his lips to hold back a smile. “Yes, **_Porco_** ” he emphasised “is here.”

They reminisced, the joy from seeing someone he cared about after a long time made Reiner forget, momentarily, about his mission.

“Marcel!” one of the girls from the group the boy was in interrupted, holding his arm. “Don’t just leave us hanging! You’re so rude, I swear. You never change.” She noticed Reiner and greeted him, then held his arm too. She pulled both boys towards her, dragging them with her towards the group.

“Wait, wait!” Reiner implored, stopping the two of them in their tracks. “I have to do something first, I’ll hang out with you guys later.”

“What?” Marcel reproached due to the abrupt statement. “Hello!? One of your dear childhood friends is right here,” he motioned to himself “and you still want to go do other shit?”

“Marcel,” he cupped his face and kissed his cheek unexpectedly, producing a loud _“mwah”._ The teen’s eyes widened, and pushed away Reiner. “I love you, but duty calls.”

Seconds of arguing passed, until Marcel finally gave in.

Reiner didn’t say where he was going, whom he was looking for, or what he was going to do. He walked all around the house, scouring the area. He stopped from time-to-time to chat, but resumed his quest.

Everyone was so immersed in the party, nobody noticed Reiner’s unusual behaviour.

Then, much like on a trite TV show, what he was looking for came to **_him_**.

He turned when feeling two palms grip his shoulders from behind.

“Yo!”

Reiner’s eyes widened. There he was. The senior that defiled Krista, with two of his “bros.” The one he used to call _“friend.”_

His lips curved into a small, forced smile. “Sup”, he offered his palm, greeting the three seniors with a pound hug. “Didn’t know you’d be here.” He lied.

“Yeah,” the taller of the three, who had gripped Reiner’s shoulders, responded. “Krista was nice enough to invite us. This is one hell of a place!”

“Sure is.” Reiner agreed. He wanted to act natural, stir up conversation to not raise suspicion, but there was a clear tension in the air that made the four teens feel awkward. “Did you go to football practise today?”

The other two were distracted, snickering.

“Yeah, man. I almost didn’t come because of how fucking tired I am, but couldn’t pass up the chance. Like seriously, look at this place!” he reiterated, sipping his beer.

Reiner nodded, feigning a chuckle.

_What do I do now? He’s right in front of me. Do I beat him up here? No, of course not. What the fuck am I thinking? Why would I beat him up? Holy shit, I’m only fifteen…_

“Reiner?” the senior called, wiping the corner of his mouth with his sleeve.

“Sorry, what?”

The senior laughed. “Distracted? Anyone in particular that’s got you like this?”

Reiner started shaking, much to the senior’s concern. “I need to go.” He bolted, but felt a grip on his wrist, pulling him back.

The difference in strength was clear.

“Woah, dude! What’s up?” he asked.

Reiner looked at him from head to toe. He was slightly taller than him, and had a firm grip, even though he wasn’t intending to hurt Reiner. He was strong. **_Strong._** Was this really the guy he was planning to beat up? While Reiner was, by no means, small, it was evident that on a one-on-one, the senior would win.

_Why am I even trying to avenge Krista!? This is none of my business! She should go to the police, I shouldn’t be thinking of taking justice into my own hands. The fuck was I thinking!? I’m totally outclassed!_

“D-damn dude,” Reiner jested. “loosen that grip, will you?”

The senior chuckled. “Sorry! Sorry, I guess I’m still warmed up from practise. But really, where ya going?”

 _She’s so tiny… it must have hurt so much._ “Just remembered I have to do something,” He ran fingers through his hair. “which sucks ass. I had been looking forward to this party all week.” He shrugged, heart pounding.

The senior attempted to persuade him to stay, getting too handsy with him, which only increased Reiner’s anxiety.

“I-I really do have to go.” Reiner nervously insisted.

“Why are you so nervous, dude?” the senior slapped his cheek playfully. He could easily man-handle Reiner. “You need to chill.”

_Please, please God... if someone gets me out of this shit I’ll donate ten bucks to charity…_

“By the way, have you seen Krista?”

Reiner tensed up.

“I’ve been looking for her like crazy. I saw her when I first got here, but after that it’s like she vanished.” He gulped down his drink, emptying the red cup.

“No idea, bro.” he lied. “I’ve been looking for her too.”

“Bummer. I wanted to—”

“Ah, shit.” Reiner interrupted in annoyance, holding his pocket. “Just a minute.” He took out his phone, feigning a call to get away from those three.

He waved goodbye, mouthing a “ _sorry_.”

_Good, I managed to get out of there…_

He worked his way around the house to find a bathroom. He locked the door and turned, resting his back against it. He took a deep breath, and slowly let himself slide, until he sat on the floor.

He chuckled.

Then his chuckle bloomed into a laugh.

“Oh, Reiner…” his shoulders shook in laughter. “Always wanting to play hero.” He looked up, banging his head against the door.

Eyes closed with a smile.

_Always wanting to save everyone. We’re not even that close, why would I go so far for her? She’s not Bertholdt._

And then it hit him.

The memory hit him.

Friday night, the clock ticking around 2:00 A.M. Reiner being awoken from his slumber, hearing a faint combination of pleas and shouts.

 _“Stop!”_ the female voice called.

_“Shut your whore mouth!”_

Thump.

Twelve-year-old Reiner sat up, rubbing his eyes.

Crack.

His heartbeat accelerated. The ensuing screaming and sound of things breaking brought flashbacks, and he understood what was going on.

 ** _He_** was at their house, where he wasn’t supposed to be, and he had been drinking.

Reiner slid off his bed slowly, legs shaking.

“M-mom.” He whispered to himself, knowing she was the target for his anger.

He opened the door slowly, clenching his fists tightly, as though the gesture would stop his body from reflexively trembling.

The hysterical crying from the room across the hall made him want to turn back and lock himself in his room. He wanted to hide, he didn’t want to face him at all. He was scared, scared of what he’d do to him.

He managed to peek his head, holding his hands tightly. A broken lamp, broken portrait.

And there she was.

On the messy bed, a tall figure towered over a smaller, writhing one. It was evident who was who.

Her legs were forcefully spread open, and the man tightly held her wrists in place. He began thrusting, like Reiner once watched in those inappropriate adult videos. The scene unfolding in front of him wasn’t like what he watched then, however. He noticed the difference at once.

His mother was in pain. His mother didn’t want this—her hysterical cries made it clear.

His chest shuddered, and he began to painfully pant for air.

His mother noticed him, and as quickly as she saw him, she shifted her eyes from him. While her instinctive reaction indicated her to tell Reiner to get out, she thought it was for the best to not say a thing. Doing so would, most likely, get him injured. The abusive ex-husband would push her away like a rag-doll, and he’d bolt towards her son.

This was unacceptable. To her, it was better for Reiner to have this image imprinted, than have him suffer any sort of physical injuries. She only hoped he would run away, and hide in his room, as she used to indicate prior to the custody.

But he shattered that hope.

“Y-you’re not supposed to be here!” the panting boy yelled.

The man, the abusive husband, his **_father_** , turned back to look at him.

And she, Karina, panicked. “Reiner! Get out of here!” she commanded, voice broken.

“G-get off her! W-what are you doing to her, you monster!” Reiner attempted to be brave, taking a step forward.

His father was about to go to him, when Karina gripped his arms and pulled him back, “don’t you dare touch him!” in attempts to give Reiner an opening to run.

But the boy was stubborn.

“Get off her!” he shrieked in tears.

He struck her unconscious, and ran to the boy as he pulled his pants up.

Reiner panicked, and sped out of the room, down the stairs, towards the kitchen. He opened the drawers hurriedly, dropping one or two by accident, the sound of clinking from falling cutlery engulfed the house. He found a kitchen roller and held it to his chest, hiding in the corner next to the fridge.

His heart pounded in his ears, a drop of snot running down his nose, as he heard the desperate footsteps roam the living room.

Reiner held his breath.

The built-up snot prevented him from taking, at the very least, short and quiet breaths; resulting in him producing a loud gasp.

So, he heard him.

Reiner knew he was coming. He chose to take the risk of making a run for it, and bolted, roller in hand, towards his father. He screamed as he sped, and managed to land a hit on his face, breaking his nose.

The boy was so frightened he forgot about his mother, and he ran upstairs to lock himself in his room, sobbing uncontrollably. He had never been more scared in his life.

And, as expected, the now infuriated man followed him. He created distance between the door and himself, kicking it to bring it down.

“Mom!” the boy screamed at the top of his lungs, repeatedly, calling for help, even though she would be as powerless as he is. “Mom!”

The panic in him rose the more he heard the door being struck.

He ran to his closet, the closet his mother would tell him to hide in when his father came home drunk, and scoured through it. He threw back shoes, hung shirts to get a better view, his baseball gloves, until he found it.

His baseball bat.

He stood in the middle of the room, shaking, eyes brimming with tears, waiting for the door to be brought down. His palms were sweaty, and the adrenaline coursing through his system prevented him from taking consistent breaths. He panted, wanting to jump out the window, and run, screaming.

Then, it was finally brought down. He froze for what felt like a fraction of a second, tightening the grip on the bat, and did not wait or hesitate to take the first step. He yelled at the top of his lungs, and struck the man that came here in attempts to hurt him, over and over.

The man hit the floor.

Reiner shrieked louder with every hit, pummeling the man he couldn’t call father in every body part he could find. Then, the consistent blows stopped, his arms too weak to continue. He didn’t stop to evaluate the bloodied, unconscious man, he simply dropped the bat and ran, nearly tripping on the body, screaming and sobbing uncontrollably.

“Mom!” he screamed. “Mom!” he slipped, landing on one knee. He stood up almost immediately, ignoring the pain. He reached his mother, feeling filthy over the sight of seeing her naked from the waist down. He shook her violently, screaming at her.

And just like that, it ended.

The memory ended.

He forced his brain to stop remembering it.

Reiner’s eyes were widened, pupils constricted. He, unconsciously, cracked his index finger with his thumb.

_So, that’s why…_

He leaned forward, resting on all fours for five seconds. Palms cold against the marble floor, he slowly stood up.

_He has me beat in size, agility, and strength, so I’ll have to catch him off guard._

He walked to the sink and washed his face. He gripped the sides, face down, a drop of water rolling down his nose.

He looked at his stone-face in the mirror.

In a couple of hours, Reiner would find out that what happened to Krista yesterday would repeat itself tonight.

* * *

It was Halloween.

Reiner fashioned a black hoodie, an anonymous mask, and gloves. Every piece of clothing was brand-new. He was able to blend in perfectly amidst the disguised people, merrily holding their bags of candy.

To everyone else, he was just another teen enjoying Halloween night.

But he had different plans.

Two months.

Almost two months it had taken him to meticulously plan this.

His parents weren’t home, he made sure of it. The party, which his parents **_strictly_** forbid the senior from throwing, was at eleven, and it was eight right now. Reiner stipulated five minutes, ten at most. That’s what it would take him. But even if things went south, he had, at the very least, two hours.  

That was enough time.

He walked heel-to-toe, silently despite the tumult in the streets, hands stuck in his pockets.

He was almost there.

His heart was pounding in his ears. He cracked his index finger with his thumb, in attempts to calm himself down.

He was there.

He waited on a tree diagonal to the house. He wanted to wait, wait for various people to approach the property to ask for candy. He wanted everything to look **_natural_**. Then, he would make his move.

He rubbed his hands against each other.

_Gloves._

He pulled his hood up and stroked the mask.

_Hair is concealed, no strands should fall off._

Reiner’s exhales were slow and hard, his core tightened with each one. He was salivating, and his breathing threatened to uneven. He wanted to vomit.

_Stairs are right in front of the door, glass coffee table to the right, surrounded by three couches. Walk past the TV area to reach the kitchen, to which the backyard door is to the left._

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The crowd had scattered a bit.

_Okay._

He stood to walk towards the house, hands shaking. He took four steps and stopped in his heel, holding his breath. He wanted to continue moving, but his legs were frozen in place.

His heart was pounding.

He sat back down, gasping loudly.

_I can’t do it…_

He contemplated leaving, almost without second-thought, until he reminded himself why he was doing this.

_But scum like that shouldn’t walk away unscathed…_

He clenched his jaw.

_People like him…_

He thought of his mother, and the continuous abuse and rape she had to endure from her abusive ex-husband. The abuse and rape which was shrugged off various times because it was _“someone she loved.”_

He thought of his helplessness, and how he was too weak.

Too weak to protect his mother.

Too weak to protect Bertholdt.

Too much anger and stress had built-up in Reiner from infancy. He wanted to convince himself that he was doing this for the sake of someone he loved and cared about, exclusively to avenge Krista, but this was not the case.

_Just do it._

He stood up, and approached the house. He rang the bell twice.

It took half a minute, then he heard rumbling inside.

Reiner looked over his shoulder, scanning the area.

He positioned his body sideways, left leg stretched out straight front, right leg behind. He placed his left arm, hand in fist, close to his chest, his right hand to his side, palm extended.

_Please, let it be him… if it’s someone else, it’s all over._

The door was opened, “Yo!”, and Reiner immediately recognised the teenager that was holding a bag full of candy. He felt relieved, but didn’t hesitate.

He gave him no room to say anything else, as he abruptly struck his palm into the senior’s solar plexus. The strength of the hit forced the shocked teen’s diaphragm to spasm, paralysing him. He won't be able to breathe properly. Reiner, already knowing the after-effect of this hit, kicked him down to the ground to give him no room for recovery, and walked in the house, closing the door behind him.

“Sorry,” he muttered, voice muffled due to the mask. “but what I’m about to do is just me blowing off some steam.”

Reiner kicked him in the jaw, breaking a molar.

“I take no pleasure in taking you down.” He thought of a broken Krista. “None.” He kicked him in the back. “It’s just necessary. This isn’t cruelty.” He kneeled and struck him in the face. “This is mercy and justice combined.”

He thought of a bloodied, bruised Bertholdt.

“I didn’t want to do this.” He ignored the senior’s frantic gasps, and immediately stopped his attempt to call for help by pummeling his throat.

He saw his father’s face in the teen, and recalled his bruised mother, little Reiner unable to help.  “But I can’t stand back knowing you hurt her.”

He grabbed a fistful of his hair. “You could not control yourself, so someone had to control you.”

Strike.

_Mom…_

The bloodied face looked horrified.

“Yes, I like that look.”

Strike.

Strike.

He didn’t notice the teen was now unconscious.

_Bertholdt…_

“People like you,” he muttered “are the ones that hurt people like them.”

Strike.

Strike.

He heard a **_crack_**.

That's when he stopped. He noticed his bloodied glove, and gasped. His trance was broken, and he fully realised what he had just done.

“S-shit!” his tone rose. “Shit!”

_I got too carried away!_

Reiner wanted to stand up, but his body didn’t listen to his commands. He was frozen in place, glove bloodied from countless punches. Breathing was becoming increasingly harder with the mask, and he felt he was going to pass out.

His breathing spiraled out of control, as he stood up and bolted for the back door.

He gasped.

_W-what!?_

There were various people outside, gathered in the pool. Two, besides the senior’s usual two friends, he recognised. Franz Kefka, from his class, and Jean Kirstein.

Jean Kirstein, one of his close friends.

_What is he doing here!?_

He tightened his grip on the handle.

_Shit!_

He turned back and headed to the front door, almost tripping on the body.

_Shit, shit!_

He turned his head to look at the bloodied teen.

_Is he dead!?_

He opened the door, locked it from the inside, and ran.

He decelerated, now jogging. He turned left on an intersection, walking past a bakery. Approximately two-hundred meters and he should reach his car.

Meanwhile, in two minutes one of the senior’s friends would go inside the house to ask why “ _giving a kid candy took so long._ ”

And they’d be met with a surprise.

Reiner got in his car, and shut the door. He took off the mask and inhaled violently. He shakily inserted the keys, and attempted to start the car, to no avail. He noticed the blood he was leaving anywhere he touched with his right hand.

He took off the glove in panic.

He perked up and gasped.

_My shoes!_

Reiner frantically reclined the seat to bring his foot to view, to see the shoe sole.

Clean.

He crossed his other leg and brought his foot up, checking the other sole.

Clean.

He sighed in relief. There would be no trails.

He was in absolute silence for a minute, when it **_truly_** hit. He felt panic cluster like spark plugs in his abdomen, body painfully tensing.

He brought his legs to his chest, shuddering as tears formed in the corners of his eyes. And he lost it. He hid his face in his chest as he sobbed.

A personal hurricane.

Fifteen minutes would pass before Reiner finally calmed down. He took off his current clothes, albeit uncomfortably due to the lack of space, and changed into the clothing he had when leaving home. He put on his new set of gloves.

After all, he was paranoid even before the “mission” began, and he couldn’t risk fingerprints being obtained from fabrics, though it was unlikely to begin with.

But to him, better safe than sorry.

Giving away the clothes in a shelter shop was out of the question now, due to the blood, even if faint. A sewer? A dumpster? A lake? Burn them?

He began to laugh over the absurdity of the situation.

* * *

“Reiner…” the flustered boy shook his shoulders frantically. “Reiner!”

The blond opened one eye, uncomfortable due to the change of light. He slapped away Bertholdt’s hands and pushed him away, with more force than intended. He was too drained to care. “Leave me alone, I’m tired.”

He pulled the covers up to hide his entire body.

“Reiner,” the boy insisted. “you have to get up! Something fucked up happened last night!”

Reiner tensed up under the covers, knowing what it was. Last night replayed in his head, and he was ready to cry. He pushed Bertholdt away again, almost making the surprised boy fall, with the excuse that he wanted to continue sleeping.

“Get the hell out! I’m trying to sleep!”

It didn’t matter if he seemed snappy to Bertholdt. Hurting his feelings is the least he gives a shit about right now.

* * *

“I really hope they find the son of a bitch…” Jean clenched his fist. “if one of us had fucking gone with him, this wouldn’t have happened…”

Bertholdt placed a hand on Jean’s shoulder, to comfort him. “None of you had any way of knowing something like that would happen.” He squeezed. “Don’t blame yourself.”

Armin sighed. “That’s so horrible… who could do something like that? He was just trying to enjoy his night.”

Reiner twirled his spaghetti, tightening his core. He didn't notice Krista staring at him.

“Franz is going to the hospital after school to visit him, maybe we should go too.” Mikasa suggested.

“No offense,” Eren spoke up “but none of us besides Jean and Reiner are his friends. It would be weird to go and say _oh, hey, we don’t know each other but uh, sorry you got the crap beat out of you_.”

“You’re coming though, right, Reiner?” Jean asked.

“I have to check.” Reiner said matter-of-factly. He regretted sounding so snappy, since his paranoid instinct commanded him that not sounding concerned would point massive _“guilty”_ arrows at him for everyone to see. “I don’t think I can, though.”

_I really can't see him..._

Jean sighed.

Minutes later, recess was over and everyone scattered to find their locker-rooms to fetch their belongings for their respective classes.

Krista waited for Reiner by his locker.

He rose a brow. “Hey. Watcha doing here?” he opened it.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” she had her arms crossed, looking forward.

“Eh?” he organised his books.

“You’re the one that fucked him up. Don’t play dumb.”

“Krista,” he shut his locker with a loud thump. “that’s a massive accusation.”

She stared at him with determined eyes.

“Don’t go around spewing bullshit like that.” He hissed.

She continued staring without a word.

He broke.

“You have no evidence.”

“Reiner.”

“Fuck off with your accusations, what is wrong with you!?” his voice cracked. “Y-you have no right—" his eyes watered.

“Reiner!” she cupped his cheeks, silencing him.

He was trembling.

“I won’t tell anyone.”

He squeezed his eyes shut as he shuddered, tears rolling, and held her hand against his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope that wasn't a total disappointment! 
> 
> I thought this would be a good way to explore Reiner's mindset. We've known about the love of my life, Bertholdt, for a while now, but we knew nothing about Reiner until now; just that he was a crazy, possessive fuck. Now you might be able to understand why Reiner is the way he is, and why he's so protective of Bertholdt (someone abused). It's also worth noting that, while Reiner wanted to beat Krista's rapist for her sake, he ended up doing it mostly because now he had the excuse to take his pent-up anger out on someone. 
> 
> My Reiner's a little insane, but he means well!
> 
> If you liked this chapter, please make sure to leave kudos or a comment! Every bit of support counts. ♠


	34. Puppet x Master's x Calamity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, you guys. We're back to the story, no more flashbacks.

Bertholdt hung upside down the bed, book in hands. He blinked four times rapidly, the pressure from the blood flowing to his head making him feel quite tipsy. He was so immersed in his book, he didn’t realise Armin’s tiny frame was beginning to ache from the uncomfortable position that Bertholdt’s long legs forced him into.

“B-Bertl...” Armin called. With that, his friend sat up, tightening his core.

“Armin,” he muttered with a smile. “I didn’t know you were awake. Is the lamp bothering you?”

“Well…” Armin scratched his temple. “not so much as your legs. I can’t move freely.” He placed his hand on Bertholdt’s knee.

Bertholdt’s eyes widened. “Oh, no!” he exclaimed dramatically, shutting his book with a loud thump. “I didn’t realise, I’m sorry!” He apologised profusely, crossing his legs so abruptly he almost fell off the bed.

Armin smiled. “It’s fine, really.” He tilted his head, eyeing the now shut book Bertholdt was holding. He couldn’t make out the cover. “What are you reading?”

“Well, you see,” he began, scurrying closer to Armin. “I’m glad you asked.”

 _Oh, no…_ Armin thought. Once Bertholdt began speaking about something that interested him, it was hard to get him to stop. Unless you were blunt like Annie and straight-up walked away or told him to shut up, there was no way Bertholdt would stop. Normally, Armin would be okay with this, and would enthusiastically listen, but right now he was tired. _He’s like professor Hange. Why did I incite him?_

Bertholdt rose his book and tapped the cover. “It’s about…” he turned the book to look at the cover, annoyed over his realisation. “Ah, shit.” He snapped his finger. “I closed it without seeing which page I was reading.” He opened the book and began skimming through the pages.

Armin blinked. _Can God really be this unjust? Just get on with it, Bertl!_

“Okay.” he found the page. Page 104. “It’s about this guy; an ex-navy seal that goes on an underwater mission, and when he comes back up to the surface, he finds the Earth burning. Solar flares have triggered natural disasters, making earthquakes and hellfire rock the globe.” He grinned insanely, his pupils dilating. “It’s fucking good, Armin! The world is basically a nuclear apo—”

“What the fuck?” Armin leaned forward, sleep shaken away. “Give me that!” he snatched the book from his hands, opening it quickly. He skim-read the first page, and he wowed.

“I know!” Bertholdt jolted in excitement.

“Let me borrow it.” Armin hugged the book.

“Huh?” Bertholdt rose a brow. “No way, get your own.” He tried snatching his property off Armin, but the tiny boy held a tight grip. Bertholdt tch’d. “Can’t you see I was reading it? Don’t be rude!” his tone rose.

Armin placed his foot on Bertholdt’s stomach once the latter leaned forward.

While this childish fight occurred, Reiner was lying in bed with both arms behind his head, pondering as he observed the ceiling. Eren lay beside him, snoring.

 _“Not right now. But in a couple of days, yeah.”_ Bertholdt’s words reverberated in his head.

_When will that day come, Bertl? It feels like you pay attention to everyone but me._

Reiner squeezed his eyes shut. _I fucked up astronomically. Everything would be perfect if I hadn’t confessed that night._

He opened them and inhaled deeply, but quietly.

_But then, Annie and Bertl would still be together, and I probably wouldn’t even know. Maybe it was a good thing. Or maybe, while good, it was not the best choice. What could I have done differently?_

He sat up, ruffling his hair. He turned his head to look at Eren for a couple of seconds, then stood up. He leaned forward and grabbed his right ankle, bringing it up to his buttocks. He groaned when hearing a bone crack. He was too stiff—he hadn’t had a good work-out in weeks.

He put on a hoodie and walked towards the drawer to unplug his laptop. He stashed it under his arm and grabbed his earplugs. He made his way downstairs.

The cabin oozed a creepy aura when it was dark and everyone was asleep. Reiner couldn’t help but remember the infamous clown sightings. Now, he was having second thoughts about hanging out in the patio.

He stopped in his heel. 

_What if I get kidnapped? Or killed?_

He turned and made his way upstairs. He stopped again.

_Haha, what am I saying?_

He turned, again, and walked down the stairs quickly, the sound of thumping footsteps engulfing the hall.

He quietly slid the patio door open, and welcomed the cool breeze. He placed his laptop on the table and turned it on. He wasn’t tired, so he might as well just relax. He headed back in, and poured himself a mug of coffee. He put it on the microwave on a countdown of a minute and a half.

He pulled his hood up and stuck his hands in his pockets, leaning against the fridge.

_Bertl…_

His wandering, foggy mind was brought to a halt once the minute was up. He prepared his coffee, milk and no sugar, and headed outside. He slid the door shut.

He stood for a moment, surveying the area. Dark, cold. The clouds sped, and flashes of white lit the sky every now and then.

 _A storm is brewing._ He thought, as he brought the mug to his mouth and took in the steam before sipping.

It is unfortunate that, unbeknownst to Reiner, the very same chaotic movement within the sky, and the upcoming storm, can be used as an analogy to what his life will undergo soon.

He walked towards the railing and stuck his right hand in his pocket, the left one holding the mug. His laptop was still on the table, waiting to be unlocked. The grim atmosphere and gusting wind deviated his attention from what he originally planned. He wasn’t thinking about watching Netflix outside anymore. Right now, his mind wandered to how strange life had been these past few months. He thought, and thought, and thought, until he noticed the pattern that, regardless of what he mused, every memory led to a final thought: **_Bertholdt._**

 _Bertl…_ He tightened the grip on his mug.

Random images of Bertholdt’s face flashed through his mind. His cheerful smile, the healthy shade of pink that constantly tinged his cheeks, and the glistening eyes he always looked at Reiner in admiration with.

 _Those cheeks will be the end of me._ He thought, unconsciously grinning, fuzziness in his stomach.

Then his mind wandered further. Random images of Bertholdt’s toned, olive body came to mind. And he couldn’t help himself from piecing every inch of his body together. His **_gorgeous_** face and emerald eyes. The colour of his skin, hair, and eyes, they all contrasted **_perfectly_**. And his body, neither scrawny or muscular, was a flawless in-between. Reiner swore that the boy was a work of art.

Bertholdt was, quite simply, **perfect**.

_I want him so bad…_

Reiner took a deep breath and tightened his core, in attempts to soothe himself.

He was tempted to watch porn now. It would prove quite interesting, in midst of a brewing storm.

_I-I’m disgusting…_

He shook off the perverted thought and scolded himself.

 _Maybe I do deserve to get kidnapped by a killer clown…_ He smiled. _Now, that would be an interesting headline._

He sipped, and sat on the chair. He scratched his head and wrote down his password, the laptop unlocking. His eyes widened momentarily when a flash of white caught him off guard. The storm was getting closer.

_I should be in bed, but danger is my middle name._

He was about to type “Netflix” in the browser, but stopped midway. He thought about the various times Bertholdt gushed about Hunter x Hunter. The kid was crazy about that anime.

Reiner wiggled his fingers, deciding.

_I guess it’s worth a shot._

He sought various anime pages, until he found one to his liking. He typed in “Hunter x Hunter”, and braced himself, ready to see what the fuss was about.

Meanwhile, Annie found herself laying on her side, both palms underneath her ear. She couldn’t sleep. Her reconciliation with Bertholdt refused to leave her mind.

 _“Hey, I love you.”_ And neither would his words. These words scared her. They scared her because they made her vulnerable. They could make her give in, they could woo her. The danger, she mused, sprung because she cannot tell whether Bertholdt was genuine, or if it’s a feeling he felt or something he said from the heat of the moment. If she gave in, regardless of the truth, she could get hurt once more.

She wants to stay away from him, but she also doesn’t. Because she loves that stupid boy.

Annie also found herself thinking about Reiner. What he did was inexcusable, unforgivable. But he’s a childhood friend. He’s the only person, besides Bertholdt, that’s always shown care and interest in her from very early on.

He was worth forgiving too.

She wanted to believe the negative things she’s said and thought about Reiner only stemmed from her anger, and it wasn’t what she truly thought. He made a mistake.

_I’ve gone soft…_

Being unable to sleep upset her. She kicked away the covers, quickly sitting up in one swift move. She scratched her forehead and brushed her hair back with her fingers, closing her eyes as she felt smoothness run through her hands.

She stood up and put on her slippers.

She opened the door quietly, and headed downstairs to the kitchen. Perhaps some tea could help.

Thunder struck in the distance, making her stop in her heel. There should be a nice storm by the morning. Well, perhaps. It would make for a great anime sitting, or a good reading session too.

She sought a mug on the cabinet, but turned her head back when hearing a sneeze coming from the patio. She placed the mug on the counter and stealthily walked towards the door. She moved the curtain to peek, and found Reiner sitting at the dining table, resting his chin on his arms. He was watching something on his laptop.

She heard a loud yawn.

_What on Earth are you doing out there, Reiner?_

Could this be it? A sign they should talk things out? Nothing can interrupt them right now. If he was there, he most likely was unable to sleep as well.

She slid the door open slowly, and called his name, high but soft pitch, forty seconds later. Reiner perked up. The voice alone made him want to roll his eyes.

They were both unable to get shut-eye tonight, but that’s where their similarities ended. While Annie was calm, and itching to speak, Reiner was annoyed, and wanted nothing to do with her.

He turned his head to look at her with a dull expression.

And for a moment, all coldness and animosity was gone. Annie, for the first time he had ever seen in his life, looked completely at ease. At peace. The evident stress that overtook her expression for weeks was suddenly not there anymore.  She was fresh. She was beautiful.

He sat motionless before her, unable to say anything. His heart sped, mind threatening to fall into a reverie to forget she was there. His neck began to feel strained from being turned. The beauty grew impatient with the long silence and forced an awkward smile that did not suit her face at all.

“Can we talk?”

To Annie, it was curious how things unfolded. She was unable to get shut-eye, replaying what happened with Bertholdt in the morning, over and over again. So, as she usually did when unable to catch sleep, she went to get a drink. But then she heard movement outside, and caught Reiner. Of all people.

And for the first time in her life, Annie chose to take initiative. She chose to be selfless.

She wanted to salvage her friendship with Reiner.

But Reiner didn’t want this. He armoured himself once more before he let Annie win him over, before his heart gave in. He squinted, creasing his eyebrows. “About what?”

A gust of wind gave both teens reflexive goosebumps.

They both refused to talk, unwilling to break the silence. Annie couldn't understand why his stare was so distant and cold.

Her expression, until now, had been soft. There was a tint of nobility, but the slicing animosity that exuded off Reiner made her feel as though sharp claws were piercing her skin. No words had been spoken, yet she could feel herself getting worked up.

She was the first to speak up. “About the shitty thing you did.” She mustered the courage to approach him.

“I see.” He closed the laptop, sending it to stand-by, and stood up, facing her. “I see.” He towered over her.

His cold stare brought memories of how **_emotionless_** and nonchalant he looked when she caught him and Bertholdt in the act. To see the very same expression here, when what she wanted was to reconcile, made her want to break his jaw.

But for the first time in her life, Annie felt uneasy.

He felt no remorse at all for what he had done. This much was clear.

“Why did you do it?” she asked.

“Because I love him.” Was all he said.

“Okay,” Annie drawled. “and?”

“And what?” Reiner stuck his hands in his pockets.

“Is that all you have to say?” she inquired, despite already knowing the answer.

“Yep.”

“Is there any particular reason to why you have so much animosity towards me?” she cut to the chase.

His lips curved into a small smile. “You could tell?”

“You’d have to be a moron not to.”

He leaned his face down closer to hers, startling her, though she didn’t show it. “Take a guess.”

A shimmer of lightning flashed on his face, the sound of distant thunders reverberating throughout the area.

“I see.” She smirked. “You’re mad he chose me over you.”

“Chose you?” he chuckled. “I perfectly recall him staying with me rather than going to you after you ran like hell.”

Annie was attempting to keep her composure. Two could play this game.

“Which is why he went to my house and tried to bring down my door? And begged for forgiveness? To which I refused, so he went back to your apartment, gathered his shit the next day and moved out to Eren’s place a week later?” she laughed condescendingly. “Yes, Reiner.” She tapped his shoulder. “He definitely chose **_you_**.”

The smug look vanished from his face. He slapped her hand away from him.

“You beat the shit out of him.” He gritted his teeth, deviating the argument, since he knew and hated to admit that, yes, Bertholdt has very much chosen Annie over him. “You can act like a fucking idiot, but you’ve always known his history of abuse, even if you like to play dumb. You **_knew_** he was abused. And your reaction was to beat him up. Don’t you have any sense at all? Do you not comprehend how that shit can seriously trigger a severely abused person?”

This is a point she could not refute.

“You’re right.” She admitted. Reiner’s eyes widened over this, not expecting her to own up to her actions. It wasn’t like her, after all. “What I did was shitty. It was uncalled for, I’ve already been told that. I can see that now.” She thought of Eren. “But I apologised, and he forgave me. I’ve learned that is something I’ll never do again, to anyone. Not even if it’s someone who **_deserves_** it.” She squinted her eyes, sending the clear message that the very last thing she said involved **_him_**.

It can be argued that one of the axioms in a verbal quarrel is that if your opponent agrees with you, you win, since it would normally mean your argument was the smartest. But not here. Annie agreeing with Reiner made him lose, because his objective was to manipulate Annie and drive her towards guilt. To make her lose composure. In other words, coolly admitting she was wrong; concurring with what Reiner was saying, even if it pointed fault at her, made Reiner lose the argument because it left him **_naked_**. It doesn't give him room to pierce the knife deeper and twist it. He can't use anything else against her.

Reiner understood this, and it left him naked in the middle of a blizzard. He no longer had ammunition.

“Have you apologised, Reiner?” she inquired. “For manipulating him? For taking advantage of him? For, essentially, forcing him to have sex with you? You do realise he was too drained to consent, right?”

Annie and Bertholdt making up gave her the chance to apologise and be in peace with herself. Regardless of what Reiner says now, he can't guilt-trip her because Bertholdt has forgiven her. She had leverage, and she knew it. All of this only served to highlight how **_wrong_ ** Reiner is.

“What the fuck are you implying?” he sniped, his tone rising.

“Are you deaf or are you pretending to be stupid?” her tone remained collected. “I’m implying, no, I’m **_saying_** that you took advantage of his mental state to satisfy your needs. You took advantage of the person you claim to love for your own agenda, but I’m the bitch, correct?”

Reiner opened his mouth to refute, but no words came out.

“I came here in hopes we could amend, but it’s now clear to me that I was an idiot to believe we could.”

Strangely, this saddened Annie. Her voice nearly broke, and tears threatened to form.

She really was going soft.

“You’re a horrible person, Reiner Braun.” His eyes widened. “You may say or think whatever the fuck you want about me, but I did love Bertholdt. I did want the best for him, and you can’t say the same, because all you ever do is think about **_yourself_**.”

She turned and headed for the door, before the dam within her burst.

“Everything,” she turned her head to face him before she slid the door open. “everything you do is always for your own needs. You want him all for yourself because you know that if he finds someone new, he’ll realise the world doesn’t revolve around you. He’ll realise that the only reason he lingers to you, is because you’re all he’s ever known. And you’re all he’s ever known because that’s what you’ve made sure happens. Because you drive people away from him, and that is **_so_** fucked. You are **_so_** fucked up, Reiner.”

Before she could walk in, she felt a tight grip on her wrist and her body being turned, her back pressed against the glass door that was quickly slid shut. Both wrists were gripped now, arms stretched over Annie’s head.

Reiner stared at her with furious eyes. There was, however, a hue of heartbreak she was able to notice. “You have absolutely **_no_** idea what I’ve done for that kid.” He sniped.

Her eyes widened immensely. “Let go off me, Reiner.” She demanded, her knee bending slightly.

His grip on her wrists tightened. It felt as though her ulna would snap in two. “Get over your fucking self, Annie. You were only with him for a couple of months, I’ve been there with **_and_** for him for fucking years. You couldn’t ever amount to what he and I have.”

Annie didn’t listen to a single word Reiner was saying. At the moment, all she could hear was the furious thumping of her heart.

 _“I love him more than anyone”, “I protect him whatever the cost”, “I’ve gone through hell for him”, and “you don’t know shit”_ were fragments she was able to unconsciously pick up.

He tightened further, producing scrunching sounds.

She felt threatened right now, and the fact he ignored her demand and only held her down with more force was wiring her for self-defense. Much like a cat bristles when threatened, Annie’s skin erected, ready to go for the groin at any time now.

“Reiner, I said let go.” Her tone rose, voice breaking. “Let go off me immediately!”

Her wrists would most likely bruise in the morning. They hurt, and being man-handled was frightening.

Reiner listened this time, gasping quietly over realising what he had done. He let go off her, quickly creating distance between them.

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

Annie gently held one of her wrists, rubbing it. “You seriously need help.” she spewed, visibly shaken. Her expression indicated more surprise than fear. “You are so fucked up.” She opened the door and slid it shut with a loud thump. She ran up the stairs, her fragile heart pounding painfully.

She found one of the bathrooms from the hall, and locked herself in it.

Reiner was left behind, stiffened. The only thing in his frightened mind was the possibility Annie would tell Bertholdt about this. If she did, he would find himself in irreversible damage, and it would most likely destroy, no, **_annihilate_** their already crippled friendship.

He grabbed a fistful of his hair with both hands. _What the hell do I do now!?_

He bit his lip until he tasted iron. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in the book Bertholdt was reading, it's called "Deep Fathom" by James Rollins. 
> 
> Don't mind Reiner, he's just being weird again.
> 
> If you liked or didn't like the chapter, make sure to leave a comment! I accept all sorts of criticism. If you don't like the way the story's developed, feel free to let me know why. It could all help me improve. Likewise, if you're enjoying the ride, make sure to tell me too!
> 
> Thanks for reading. ♠


	35. Before x the x Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My overwhelming writer's block, plus my now lack of interest in AOT, has prevented me from writing anything interesting. I have the faintest ideas of where I want this to go, but goodness, I can't translate them into what I want. I want to continue and finish this work, and there's been various moments I open my Word document, wiggling my fingers, but nothing happens.
> 
> Sorry to those of you who actively look forward to reading this, if there's any. I don't like to leave people hanging, but I do have to admit updating might now take me a long time. Anyway, the chapter:
> 
> It's important that before delving into this you remember that Reiner has always been wary of Bertholdt's father, and has been meaning to solve his intentions. Do recall chapter 25 ("Reiner's x Conflict"), please. It's highly relevant to this one.
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoy the chapter.
> 
> (LET'S GET THIS TO 200 KUDOS, COME ON. JUST FIVE MORE. PLEASE, I'M AN ATTENTION-WHORE.)

Reiner had been distant the following day. The group gathered early morning in the kitchen to prepare breakfast, or rather, to watch Armin, Bertholdt and Mikasa cook, while the rest did little to nothing.

After all, Bertholdt and Mikasa were magnificent cooks. Bertholdt was flexible enough to prepare various things to suit everyone’s tastes, while also being sensible enough to cook in separate pans for Marco, Krista and Ymir, who were vegans. Armin was in charge of gathering the different ingredients and separating those of the still unreconciled couple (and Marco’s). Bertholdt battered the crepes and eggs, and oversaw the general cooking, while Mikasa diced and sliced the bacon and sausages, living up to her famous line—which she only uttered once, but has been haunted by since then—of “ _her specialty being slicing up flesh_.”

Besides setting the table, which was quick, the rest of the group just watched and snickered to them here and there. Eren was nice enough to cheer them on, much to Mikasa’s mirth.

And nobody noticed.

Nobody noticed how Annie continued pulling her sleeves down, almost obsessively, gripping them with her palms. Nobody noticed, so nobody questioned it. Nobody knew that underneath those sleeves, the faintest bits of bruising were forming on her wrists. 

As the pleasant aroma of mixtures of spices and the sound of sizzling engulfed the lodging, the more their excitement grew, and the more they overlooked Reiner’s unusual behaviour.

Reiner was frightened, and his thought process was nothing short of foul.

His experience indicated that people who recently underwent abuse or a simple fright—that could have grown to something worse, but didn’t, as in Annie’s case—wouldn’t speak up, out of embarrassment or fear.

He acknowledged that Annie had a history of bottling things up, of keeping **_quiet_**. This should be no different. He couldn’t find Annie interrupting the current blathering, just to explain what happened last night, a realistic scenario at all.

So, in his mind, Annie would keep quiet. He had nothing to worry about.

But he did so nevertheless. There’s a chance she might have some alone-time with Bertholdt, and that it might slip, or that she might willingly tell him. 

There was only so much puppeteering Reiner could do, only so many strings he could pull. Him coming onto Annie simply isn’t something he could find justifiable arguments for, arguments that would, at the very least, make Bertholdt understand.

Because what happened last night did not only mean Reiner forced himself on Annie and **_hurt_** her, despite her sole intention being reconciling, it also meant he performed the very despicable act he militantly protected Bertholdt for.

* * *

“Rook, F6.” announced Bertholdt.

Armin cupped his chin, pondering.

“Bishop, F6.” retorted Armin with a concealed smirk, toppling Bertholdt’s Knight with the sound of a wooden tap.

 _Was that worth the sacrifice, Armin?_ Bertholdt stopped himself from shaking his leg in anticipation. “Bishop, F6.”

Armin hummed. “I know what you’re thinking,” he moved his Queen to the H5 coordinate pair of the chess board. “and trust me,” he said, already knowing Bertholdt’s next move. “it was worth it.”

“Oh?” Bertholdt, making his move immediately with no need to scan the board, placed his remaining Knight over Armin’s on D4. “Was it, really?” he smirked, almost condescendingly.

Pawn, D4. He toppled Bertholdt’s Knight. “Sure thing.”

“Ah, I see.” Bertholdt, now understanding Armin's move, held his hands under the table, stopping to think. _Damn, Armin. You thought this through._

“Have you and Reiner made up?” the blond boy Bertholdt affectionately called _“coconut head”_ asked quietly.

“I’m not sure.” Bertholdt blinked at the board, bringing his fist to his mouth in concentration. “We haven’t talked much, so I guess not.”

“Why?” Armin crossed his feet.

Bishop, E6. “I guess we haven’t had the chance to talk.”

“You’ve had nothing but chances.” Pawn, F4. “And time.”

Rook, A-C8. “I know, but…” he hesitated.

“But what?” Armin looked at him, momentarily forgetting about his move.

“I made a promise.” He crossed his arms, waiting for the smaller boy to proceed.

“What promise?”

A ringtone interrupted them, though Armin’s gaze never left Bertholdt, while the latter turned his head to find the source. It was Reiner, who was playing _“Left 4 Dead 2”_ with Eren and Ymir. Everyone else was scattered around the massive living room, tending to their own business.

His eyes subtly followed Reiner’s movements, who hurriedly left to the patio, sliding shut the glass door behind him.

He had been acting strange, and Bertholdt wasn’t sure why. Reiner had been fidgeting a lot, and had paid **_very_** particular and **_very_** special attention to his phone for the last couple of days. Curiously enough, so had Bertholdt. He checked his phone almost obsessively, hoping time and time again his father had called, to no avail. Bertholdt was delusional, making excuses for him.

“Hey, don’t avoid the question!” the smaller boy demanded.

“I could say the same to you.” Bertholdt pointed at the board. “Make your move.”

Pawn, F5. “What promise?”

Bertholdt lowered his voice further. “I promised that before he and I solved things, before we spoke for real,” Rook, C3. He toppled Armin’s last Knight. “I promised I would get Annie back. Or, at the very least, make things right with her.”

Armin cussed under his breath over his loss. When it came to pieces, Bertholdt was dominating the game. He thoroughly examined the board, and concluded losing his only Knight wasn’t a hefty loss. He could still come back from this, and noticed one of his pawns was close enough to Bertholdt’s edge of the board. It was good enough to disrupt his defenses. 

Pawn, E6. He toppled one of Bertholdt’s Bishops. “So, what are you waiting for?”

Rook, A3.

Armin rose a brow. _You’ll sacrifice one of your Rooks? You could have moved it to the right and it would’ve been safe. What are you playing at, Bertl?_ He looked up at Bertholdt when he spoke up.

“I want to make up with Reiner,” Armin moved one of his Pawns to F7, toppling one of Bertholdt’s own. “but…” _But I really don't. I really don't._ He moved his Rook to F7, toppling Armin’s Pawn. It was clear to Bertholdt he finally gained ground over Armin. He could win. He finally had control of the game. Against _**Armin**_. However, Armin had one more chance to consolidate.

Pawn, B-A3. Armin toppled Bertholdt’s Rook. “But you’re waiting for him to make the first move?” _It’s only understandable…_ he thought.

Queen, B6. “But I won't.”

Armin perked up. “What?”

“I don’t think we should talk. I think we should forget about it and leave things as they are.”

“But… but why?” he leaned forward. _Why is Annie worth reconciling with but not Reiner?_

“Armin…” Bertholdt imitated his gesture. “you’re the only one who can know this, okay?” he twiddled his thumbs. “I think he and I should go our separate ways.”

“Is it really okay for us to speak about that here?” the now serious boy inquired.

“It’s fine.” Bertholdt said, his eyes escaping to the board, then going back up to Armin almost as quickly. “We’d draw more attention if we left, so just keep playing and keep it down.”

Bishop, B5. The logical move is for Bertholdt to topple his Bishop with his Queen, which he will, but this gives Armin a chance. Still, in the darker haired boy’s eyes, he cockily thought he was only prolonging the inevitable. He felt immensely proud. “Why don’t you want to be friends with Reiner?”

Queen, B5. Bertholdt toppled Armin’s Bishop. “I didn’t say that. It’s just… Annie said that Reiner isn’t good for me.”

Armin shook his head. “And?”

“What do you mean _and_?”

“So, Annie said that and now you don’t want to be friends with Reiner?” He made it sound as though he thought Bertholdt was stupid, but he was merely attempting to assess the situation.

“I didn’t say I don’t want to be friends, I just said we shouldn’t talk about it."  _But that's the thing. I don't want to be friends._ He bit the inside of his lip. "I want to forget. It’s not as though we’re on horrible terms right now,” Armin moved his King to A1, clearly seeing through Bertholdt's lies. “so, forgetting about it is the best choice. That, and moving out. I've thought about it a lot, and realised I don’t want to live with him anymore, I’m not sure I can trust him.” He grimly remembered the night when they engaged in intercourse. What Ymir had called “dubious consent.” What Ymir said Reiner forced Bertholdt to.

Rook, C7.

“You don’t trust Reiner!?” Armin, involuntarily, rose his tone, then lowered it again before reluctantly mentioning Reiner’s name—when seeing how Bertholdt’s eyes widened. “So, he made a mistake and now he’s not worth being friends with, is that what you’re saying?”

Bertholdt furrowed his eyebrows. Of course Armin would say that. Of course he’d run to Reiner’s defense. Of course he wouldn’t understand, he doesn’t know what really happened that night. Nobody besides those three, and Ymir, knew how Reiner, essentially, forced Bertholdt into sex. He didn’t know the extent of Reiner’s manipulation. _**They**_ didn't know. They only saw things from the outside, from the surface. So, of course.

Of course Armin would say that.

“Armin…”

“Look, I get it, Reiner messed up, but after everything he’s done, after all these years of friendship, one word from Annie is enough to stop you from making up with your best friend?” Armin moved his Rook to D2 with a furious wooden tap. “To abandon him?”

_But she said we couldn’t be together if Reiner’s in the picture…_

“I understand wanting to leave the topic and forget about what happened, but leaving him and the apartment he overworked himself to get, so you had somewhere to stay, over one mistake?” Armin crossed his arms. “That’s so entitled of you, Bertholdt.” His tone was genuinely gentle and shy, he was clearly not attempting to offend Bertholdt, but the words still stung the same.

“Don't give me that bull. I’m not entitled.” _I’ve just had enough._ “It’s my apartment too, I earn my keep.” _He ruins my relationships, he isolates me from the world, he manipulates me, he destroyed my girlfriend and I for his own agenda and he forced me into sex. Armin, if I told you this, would you still defend him?_ “Honestly,” he huffed “you all defend him so militantly without stopping to think about me for a second. It’s okay for Reiner to do what he did, because ah, it’s just a mistake, but god forbid I attempt to do what’s necessary to heal, right?”

“You’re just as guilty as he is _—_ ” Armin stopped himself from continuing that sentence the moment he saw Bertholdt's eyes sink cold. Perhaps biting his tongue was for the best right now. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.” He apologised shyly. He doubted Bertholdt wanted to listen to reason right now. But it wasn't reason. If anything, it was unreasonable for Armin to say such things. But he didn't know. No one could blame him for believing Bertholdt was pushing all the fault to Reiner, when the story everyone knew was Bertholdt and Reiner making out. Because he didn't know the truth, and from the outside it appeared Bertholdt was freeing himself from any guilt by pushing everything unto Reiner. “I just want all of us to be alright, so it’s a little scary to imagine you and Reiner not being friends.”

“I get it.” _But you don’t get it, do you? It’s alright for Eren to treat Mikasa like shit because she won’t let him grow, you won’t speak up. But I’m the bad guy for trying to become my own person rather than Reiner’s shadow, right? You’re better than that, Armin._ “So, it’s okay.” He smiled sheepishly. “Perhaps I’m just being resentful.” He gave in, as usual.

Had Armin known the full story, his words would've been entirely different.

“Don’t forget my bag!” Krista yelled at Annie, who was striding upstairs. Both boys turned their heads to her.

“Yeah, yeah.” Annie replied dully.

Bertholdt sighed. Rook, C4.

They continued their game quietly.

Armin. Rook, H-D1.

Bertholdt. Rook, C3.

“It was my ma,” Reiner lied. “she was looking for something in my old room.” Reiner lied smoothly to Eren with a smile.

Armin. Queen, F5.

Bertholdt. Queen, C4.

Armin. King, B2.

“Please join us!” Krista begged to Mikasa, shaking her back and forth.

Bertholdt. Rook, A3.

Armin. Queen, E6.

The on-going conversations in the background didn’t interrupt Bertholdt’s reverie. He made mechanical moves, waiting for Armin to resign, as his mind wandered. King, H7.

Armin. King, A3. Toppled Bertholdt’s Rook.

Reiner headed upstairs.

Bertholdt. Queen, C3.

“Fu—dammit.” Armin cussed. “I-I guess you win.” He rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling shyly. “I resign.”

“Finally.” Bertholdt laughed back.

“I was hoping you’d make a mistake.” Armin jested, knowing the game would be over in four moves had he not resigned. "I can't believe you actually beat me so easily."

 _“He’s just been so distant…”_ they unconsciously picked up someone say.

“Impossible.” Bertholdt put away the pieces. “I never make a mistake in chess. That’s my turf, boy.” 

Of course, he was merely being cocky. Armin had beat him uncountable times. Some games had been quite close, but Armin had still been the victor, despite the fact chess had been one of Bertholdt's favourite games as a child. Sure, he had no one to practise with when he played it avidly against himself, but Armin was also simply that good.

"Oh, yeah?" Armin leaned forward, smiling. "And who taught you to play? Don't get smug because one game was easy. I-I was distracted anyway."

Bertholdt crossed his arms with a smug smirk.

Armin leaned back. “Let’s play checkers and see if you’re just as cocky.” Armin challenged.

“Shh.” He pressed an index finger against Armin’s lips, well aware that defeating Armin in checkers was an impossible task. At least for the time being. “Just take the loss.”

Armin smiled.

* * *

Reiner leaned against the wall, waiting for the door to be opened. A minute and a half passed before he grew impatient.

Then, it opened. The person he was expecting noticed him immediately, and froze on the spot. They looked at him from the corner of their eye, reflexively wary of him. They dropped their bag on the floor.

“You haven’t told him.” Reiner cooed.

“No.”

“Will you tell him?” Reiner looked at the floor, visible frown on his face. Guilt overcame his expression.

They didn’t respond. Reiner, holding his breath, looked at them.

Their eyes were sunk. “No.”

“I’m sorry.” His tone was genuine.

No response.

“Annie…” he cooed. “I really am.”

She kept quiet.

While her expression denoted nothing but resentment, Reiner felt relief because he could tell she was being truthful about the one thing he cared about.

_She really won’t tell him._

“Thank you.”

“I’m not doing it for you.” She was quick to clarify. “I’m not doing it for you,” she repeated. "I simply don't want any more drama."

Annie would not tell Bertholdt about the abusive act Reiner performed last night. She knew it would break him. His heart, which had undergone so much sorrow and stress the last few months, would not be able to take it.

This, this very action, was the ultimate display and evidence of Annie’s love towards Bertholdt.

**Selflessness.**

“I want absolutely **_nothing_** to do with you, ever again.” She stated, picking up her bag. “As much as I don’t want to, I accept your apology. But don’t get me wrong, I’m doing it for my own benefit and peace of mind. You’re nothing to me now.”

She began to walk away.

“If he chooses you,” Reiner’s voice made her stop. His throat tightened, impeding him from continuing. “if he chooses you… I promise to not interfere.” He muttered. “Right now…” he thought about Bertholdt’s smile. “I just want him to be happy.”

Annie’s brow furrowed.

“I just want him to be happy.” Reiner was being honest. “Even if it’s not with me.” His throat tightened again. “But… I want to be in his life. That’s all I ask. So…” he looked at her, even if she kept her back turned. “thank you. For not telling him. I was wrong about you, and I apologise.”

"You...” she muttered.

“And I’m sorry. You tried apologising, even when I was the one supposed to do it. You’re the bigger person, and that’s why you deserve him.”

She turned to face him.

“Just…” Reiner, gazing the ground, felt tears prickling his eyes. “please don’t be like me. Don’t hurt him.” He muttered. “He needs a lot of love. And he rambles a lot.” He chuckled sadly. “He plays the violin at ungodly hours, and he cleans so much it’s unsettling.”

He just wanted to vent.

“It’s so annoying to watch films with him too, because he’s always nit-picking everything. But it’s fun. And when he plays Overwatch, he’s always yelling—”

“Shut up already.” Annie demanded, although her tone wasn’t loud or aggressive. Just commanding.  “Just shut up.”

Reiner looked at her sadly. She hated herself for feeling bad for him, after **_everything_** he had done to **_her_**.

“You’ve got some nerve to just start babbling this shit.” She looked at him with bored, half-lidded eyes. “Don’t you get just how **_fucked_** in the head you are? You’re only spewing this bullshit because you’re scared shitless. What happened to all the bravado? You’ve done nothing but look at me with hatred these past few months, and last night you were acting all tough with your words, but **_now_** you’re giving in? Out of the blue?”

To Reiner’s surprise, Annie began giggling. Giggling over the absurdity of the situation.

“You’re only scared shitless I’ll change my mind and tell him. That’s why you’re kissing my ass now, aren’t you?” She closed her eyes and smiled. “Oh, Annie!” she hugged herself theatrically. “I promise to not interfere!” she exclaimed both dramatically and mockingly. She giggled once more, then abruptly stopped, Reiner puzzled.

The unstable beauty, whose accumulated stress over the years was beginning to take a toll on, looked at him, eyes sunk. “You think you’re doing me a favour? You think you’re doing **_me_** a favour by saying you won’t interfere? You're acting like you're doing **_me_** a favour. The fuck is wrong with you?”

Reiner opened and closed his mouth like a fish, struggling to find a response.

Annie looked at the floor, eyes shadowed. “What’s it going to take for you to realise how much of an unstable shitstain you are?” she inquired in a lifeless tone. “It's unlikely Bertholdt and I will get back together.” She turned her back to him. “But if we do… I would never stoop to your level. So, don’t you dare tell me to not hurt him like you did, don’t you **_ever_** dare suggest something like that again. We are **_nothing_** alike.” She gritted her teeth. “You’re sick.”

She strode, heading downstairs before he opened his mouth again. Before she lost her cool.

Reiner frowned. Unfairly for Annie, he forgot about the situation almost immediately. He led himself to his room’s balcony, to continue what he's been doing unnoticed.

He had been researching.

* * *

 _“… Hoover”_ , _“Paradis”._ Reiner pressed enter, interlacing his fingers, waiting for the results. He wiggled his foot impatiently, until he found the familiar face he was looking for. He leaned towards the laptop’s screen, biting his thumb nail.

The man was different from the portrait photos. Naturally, he was older. His hair was graying, but while his eyes looked weary and his forehead was wrinkled, he still managed to look good.

The resemblance was there.

 _“Contact info”_ Reiner clicked.

_“Updating Data on … Hoover in Paradis, Eld_

_Important! PeopleLooker uses real public records. The information may be surprising._

_60 seconds…”_

Reiner leaned forward to reposition his pillow, tired from being in bed for hours. The results were up.

_Mm, a psychiatrist, huh? How ironic._

Reiner wrote down notes in Microsoft Word. He heard steps on the hall, so he opened his emergency tab, where Netflix was open.

A knock on the door.

“Yeah?”

The visitor opened it slowly.

It was Bertholdt.

“Reiner?” he peeked his head.

“Hey, Bertl!” he shut the laptop which laid on his lap. “What’s up?”

“Can I come in?”

“Of course you can!”

Bertholdt, fashioning his swimming shorts, opened the door, holding a large mug in his right hand. “I came here to check up on you.” He smiled awkwardly, walking towards the bed.

Reiner leaned forward. “Aw, so you brought me...” he sniffed. “hot chocolate?”

“That’s right!” Bertholdt smiled, offering the mug to his friend. He accepted it.

Reiner smelled the beverage. “Mm, that sure smells nice.” He sipped cautiously, then placed it on the night-table. “Thank you, Bertl.” He rose his fist to Bertholdt for a fist-bump.

Bertholdt complied. He sat on the bed, looking at Reiner. “Why are you still here?”

“Oh, I just want to be alone.” He lied.

“But we’re on vacation. You can be alone at home whenever you want, why now? Why not be with us?” Bertholdt inquired, worried.

“Well, I could ask the same of you when you sneak into a corner to read here. You can read at home at any time, right? But you like the cabin’s ambiance, which is why you do something you like in it, even though you can do it at home too. Same with me. I like chilling in this room alone, doing my own thing.”

“I guess.” Bertholdt smiled. “We just miss you, that’s all. It’s not like you to do this.”

“I’ve been changing.” He smiled. “I’ve grown to enjoy solitude. I suppose I’ve picked up your habits.”

Bertholdt’s expression softened. He placed his hand on top of Reiner’s, even if it made him uncomfortable, much to the latter’s surprise.

“Bertl?” Reiner cooed.

“Do you want me to be with you?” he asked, to give the impression he wanted to keep his friend company. Deep down, however, he hoped Reiner would refuse.

 _I do. More than anything._ “No, Bertl.” He feigned a smile. “I do want to be alone. It’s okay.”

Bertholdt couldn’t help feeling relieved, yet slightly hurt. “Oh.”

“Thank you for worrying, though.” He held and squeezed his friend’s hand, which made Bertholdt subtly cringe. “Now scurry away! I was in the middle of something.” He purred, attempting to give Bertholdt the wrong impression.

Bertholdt laughed. “Gross.” He stood up. “Alright, I guess. You know where to find us if you change your mind.”

“Yeah.”

Bertholdt hesitated before closing the door.

Reiner let go off the breath he was unaware he was holding. He opened the laptop again, maximising Word. He grabbed his phone and dialed the person who returned his call hours prior.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

The voice on the other end responded.

“Hello?” he greeted. “Yes, it’s Reiner Braun. We spoke this morning, Ms. Brzenska.” He scratched his goatee. “You said the fee was over six hundred dollars per day, but it would diminish the more information I had, correct?”

The mysterious person on the other line responded.

“I have the name, two locations, profession, workplace and work number.” He threw his head back, resting it against the wall. “T-that sounds better.” _Really, lady? That's still fucking expensive._ Reiner wondered how much money he had on his account.

 “Okay,” he began. “his name is…”

* * *

“Ah! Ber—” Sasha felt a hand being slapped to her mouth, and heard a loud “ _shh_ ” on her ear. The voice belonged to Eren.

“Do you not have any sense at all!?” he whispered, slapping her hand away from the sliding door.

Sasha furiously licked Eren’s palm, making the disgusted boy let go. “But I haven’t talked to him all day!” she whined. “He was supposed to teach me how to play Skyrim.”

“Sasha,” Marco slapped his forehead, but maintained his sweet demeanor. “these two are bonding. Remember, they’ve been through a lot. It’d be nice to let them have a little moment.”

In all her slowness, Sasha finally understood. “Oh, right!” she chuckled.

They scattered around the lodging, preparing themselves for movie’s night. The one who stayed behind, still staring at the broken, forlorn teenagers, was Mikasa. They sat next to each other at the edge of the pool, facing their backs to the door. Their legs were in the water. She looked at the moon and starry sky, then back down at them, and wondered if they were cold.

She thought of Belanor, and missed him.

* * *

“Come on, don’t bullshit me.” Bertholdt jested with a smile, poking her rib. “That doesn’t protect you from the cold, it’s just a long-sleeved shirt.”

Annie, slowly and silently getting worked up, refused once more. “I said no.”

He gently held her wrist, and she winced, and both immediately and reflexively pushed him back, hard enough to hurt. Her eyes widened, but she didn’t realise it.

“Ow,” he rubbed his chest. “you don’t have to be mean.”

“Sorry.” She apologised coldly, and looked up. She wobbled her legs, the only sound that was heard being the waving water from the pool.

Bertholdt squinted, wary of her reaction to being touched, and of her obsessive pulling of her sleeves throughout the day he only noticed hours back. He grabbed her forearm and rose it to eye level, and pulled up her sleeve. His eyes widened.

Annie heft her leg from the water and kicked Bertholdt’s stomach, not hard, as it was not meant to inflict pain, but only to merely push him back.

“Who did this to you?” he asked.

She didn’t respond.

He grasped her shoulders and abruptly moved his face, so he was only inches apart from hers.

“Who did this to you?” he drawled, sternly enunciating each word.

She swallowed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing the chess scene was rather tricky, I couldn't quite put my finger around how I wanted to translate that scene from my mind. I thought algebraic notation was the easiest way to go about it, since I found it simpler than the descriptive notation. I enjoy chess and thought it would be cute to have Armin and Bertholdt play together. I don't know, I liked that scene. I began writing it to loosen up, see if the writer's block dwindled, so yeah. Was it garbage? God, I hope not.
> 
> Are you a Reiner sympathiser? An Annie sympathiser? A Bertholdt sympathiser? What do you think of Reiner in particular? I love the opinions some of my readers have on Reiner, so after this chapter I'd like to see what you guys think. What do you think he's going to do or what he's been scheming since chapter 25? 
> 
> Help me with writer's block too! What would you guys like to see next? I'm open to suggestions (and your own theories on what will happen), they might help scramble my stupid brain.
> 
> Reiner has his delicious goatee from the manga, just so you know! *drools* and and and... I wanted to share this with you guys, cute and random Beruani screenshots from months back when I played Sims 4 with the three Warriors (plus Mikasa and Belanor. Eventually, I created Sasha, Eren and Krista): http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=jqm8a1&s=9#.WfvfeYhryUl
> 
> Notice this, you guys! The green shirt Annie's wearing in one of the screenshots? Yeah, that's supposed to be the pajama shirt Bertholdt uses in the anime, haha. And Bertholdt's slicked back hairstyle is supposed to be the one he has in the manga. HAHAHA. Oh God, I'm so lame... but then again, it was a Sims 4 scenario that inspired this work to begin with, you know? 
> 
> It took SO long to win Annie over, and in the end my Bertholdt FUCKED EVERYTHING UP because he ended up, out of HIS OWN VOLITION, cheating on Annie with, wait for it... KRISTA! Lmfao! 
> 
> Anyway, did you like the chapter? I have my fingers crossed, hoping for a positive reaction. Please make sure to leave kudos or a comment if you've been enjoying the story, and do leave one too if you haven't! I accept all criticism. 
> 
> Until next chapter. ♠


	36. Vow x And x Restriction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, originally, I planned to upload this chapter in about a week, but I couldn't. I've been fidgeting because the writer's block has somewhat eased, and I'm too excited to share this chapter and the next with you guys. The story is reaching its climax. Yes, I've said twice before "we're almost done", then proceeded to upload a dozen chapters more, but this time I'm serious. I estimate over five chapters, perhaps. Various things still have to happen, but they shouldn't take too long.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys are still interested and excited for this story, because, in my opinion, this is where things get juicy!
> 
> I'm so excited, I can't stop fidgeting.

It didn’t matter who the culprit was. All that mattered was that someone lay their hands on Annie, and Bertholdt was not going to tolerate it.

“Annie.” His eyes were cold. “Answer me.”

“It’s nothing. Even I don’t remember how it happened.” She lied, almost convincingly. The coldness in his eyes made her uneasy, yet deep down it somewhat turned her on. Because she knew that coldness, that anger wasn’t directed **_at_** her. It was **_for_** her, because someone hurt her. This shy, reticent boy with a kind demeanor turned cold and ready to pounce to protect her

Fuck, that was hot.

“I’m waiting.” He insisted, dismissing her lie.

“Drop the attitude.” She sniped.

_What…_

“I told you I don’t know, because I can’t remember.”

_am I saying? Why am I… protecting **him**? _

She didn’t know it was possible, but it **_was_** possible. His eyes widened even further, pupils highly constricted. Those shadowed, emerald eyes were scary. He drew his face to hers even further, until their foreheads touched. His eyes pierced hers.

“Annie,” His tone was calm. “if you don’t tell me who did this to you, I will throw a fit. I will line up every person inside that cabin” he pointed at the glass door “and force them to tell me who did it.”

She swallowed nervously, holding her breath. Her cool façade was almost breaking.

 _Fuck._ She thought, hoping that her quick, made-up excuse would be enough to fool him. “Okay, but would you mind pulling back a little? You look like something out of a horror film.”

He complied.

“Please don’t freak out.” she begged.

“No promises.”

“I got them a while after yesterday morning.” She muttered.

Bertholdt gasped quietly. _But… but that means…_

“Hey,” she placed a hand on his cheek. “it’s fine. I didn’t notice either, it didn’t hurt.” She comforted.

“Annie, I had no idea…” he held her wrist, due to habit, and immediately pulled back when she reflexively winced. “I don’t… I don’t recall holding you down.”

“It just happened.” She said coolly. “We were out of our minds…” she smirked slightly. “It’s fine, trust me. I just wear the long-sleeves because it’s easier than explaining.” She lied smoothly, calm demeanor back.

_No, it’s not that I’m protecting him. This is just the most sensate thing to do, to avoid drama. None of them deserve to have their happiness and peace ruined._

“Easier than explaining we were fucking like rabbits?” he said with the biggest lack of modesty in the world, rising his tone slightly. Just to annoy her.

She hit his shoulder. “Disgusting!” she reprimanded.

He laughed, then frowned almost immediately. “I’m sorry…” he looked down. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I guess I lost control, but that’s no excuse.” He looked at her with sad eyes. “That should never be an excuse. I’m sorry.”

She felt horrible for making him believe he hurt her.

“I-I” she stuttered, finding the right words.

She placed her hand on top of his. “I scratched your back rather hard, didn’t I?” she mentioned. “Didn’t I lose control too?” she smiled reassuringly. “It’s okay. Just forget about it.”

“You’re so kind.” He smiled. He looked to his sides, then back at the glass door. Seeing that there was no one, “Thank you.” he brought her hand up to his lips, and placed a gentle kiss on it.

* * *

Six days had passed.

Everything had been fine until shortly after Annie and Bertholdt went back inside on the fourth day. Eren’s cold worsened the more days passed, and nobody realised how serious it was until **_it_** happened.

They had been chatting, listening to music. Ymir, Krista, Marco, Jean and Reiner had been in the hot-tub, while Armin was reading in one of the sofas next to Mikasa, and Eren was in the swimming pool. Then, Armin called to Eren after Mikasa had talked to him about watching films later, to no response. He had looked at the pool, no sight of Eren. Then when he stood up, there he was, at the bottom on the pool. All that it took for everyone to shut the music and panic was Armin screaming, "He's drowning!" while everyone yelled his name.

Bertholdt, Sasha and Annie, who had been on the kitchen, bolted outside the moment they heard commotion outside.

They walked out to Mikasa diving headfirst straight into the pool, then sticking her head out, holding an unconscious Eren. She dragged him outside the pool.

“Eren!” she yelled, placing him on the floor.

“W-what the hell happened!?” Bertholdt called.

“I-I don’t know! Eren was s-swimming and then I was going to talk to him but didn’t see him around until I saw him at the bottom of the pool.” Armin stuttered, hands trembling. “I-I thought he was diving, I-I didn’t know!” he was on the verge of tears, mostly out of anger at himself for being slow to react.

Everyone gathered around, frightened, unknowing of what to do. Ymir went to get towels.

Mikasa placed her trembling hands on his chest, close enough to apply pressure on his ribs, and began to attempt CPR.

 _N-Not good!_ Bertholdt thought. “Mikasa, no!” he called. “That’s not how you do it!” he ran past everyone and crouched next to her, slapping her hands away. He placed his ear next to Eren’s mouth, and found that he wasn’t breathing. He held his wrist, “How long was he without oxygen?” looking for a pulse.

No one responded, much to Bertholdt’s anger. “How long was he underwater!?”

“I don’t know!” Armin responded.

“Tch.” Bertholdt placed his hands on his chest, and began chest compressions. “Someone light the fireplace and prepare the sofa-bed.” He commanded, to which Annie and Reiner immediately complied. Jean walked inside to prepare a hot beverage for Eren.

“Is it working!?” Mikasa, still kneeled next to Bertholdt, asked.

Ymir came back with towels. “An ambulance is on the way.”

“Bertholdt, is it working?” Mikasa insisted, hands trembling.

Thirty compressions. Bertholdt put his ear over Eren’s mouth. No signs of breathing. “Shit.” He began compressing again. “Come on, Eren…” he muttered under his breath.

“Is he breathing!?” Mikasa’s voice broke, as everyone else watched in despair. “Bertholdt!”

“Be quiet!” Bertholdt, brows furrowed in concentration, looked at Eren’s face.

Tears prickled Mikasa’s eyes. “Eren...” She held his hand.

Bertholdt finished another set and placed his ear next to Eren’s mouth again. He still wasn’t breathing. “Fuck!” he shrieked, compressing again.

One.

Two.

Three.

Twenty seven more.

He tilted Eren’s head back and lifted his chin. He pinched the boy’s nose and covered Eren’s mouth with his own, and gave two one second breaths.

“It’s all set.” Reiner announced, back with Annie, and Jean following shortly after. “What else can we do?” he asked, ready to help.

Bertholdt didn’t respond. He followed with thirty more compressions, and provided two more breaths, to which Eren abruptly coughed out what felt like streams of water.

“Eren!” Mikasa screeched, pushing Bertholdt back and immediately holding him.

Eren, weakened and mind foggy, “Mikasa?” muttered after a few seconds. He sat up slowly.

Everyone let go off the massive breaths they were holding. Jean crouched, covering his face, and sighing quietly in relief. Marco squeezed his shoulder with a relieved grin.

Armin, still shaking, ran to Eren. He held his hand and pressed it against his eyes, weeping. “Eren, I’m so sorry!”

Bertholdt stood up and took a step back, then felt a hand on his shoulder. He cast an over-the-shoulder glance, and it was Reiner.

“You saved his life.” He smiled fondly, though his fretful eyes betrayed his calm demeanor.

Bertholdt cringed over the touch and crossed his arms. “Yeah.” He looked down at Eren.

“I don’t get it, why do you cry?” Eren asked quietly to his two overwhelmed, closest friends.

Krista hugged Ymir, while Annie felt relief and immense pride.

“I think I feel a little sick.” He announced.

Mikasa pulled back, arms still wrapped around his neck, and laughed in midst of her sobbing. “You don't say!” She responded sarcastically, laughing and sobbing some more. She embraced him again, Eren still confused about why she was so hysterical.

Bertholdt, lips curved into the faintest smile, felt someone hug him from the back. It was Annie.

“Thank you…” she mumbled. She doesn’t know what she would do if something happened to Eren.

He turned and hugged her back.

Reiner kneeled next to Eren. “Hey, you.” He smiled at him.

“Reiner, what’s going on?” he asked foggily, returning Mikasa’s embrace.

“It’s okay,” he placed his hand on Mikasa’s shoulder, though his gaze was directed at Eren. “you just dozed off.”  He looked at Mikasa. “Let me carry him.”

She let go, and held Armin’s hand to comfort him.

Reiner gently placed his arm around Eren’s back, then the other around the bend of his knees, and picked him up.

“My lungs hurt.” Eren muttered weakly.

“I know,” Reiner smiled at him reassuringly, carrying him inside towards the sofa-bed as everyone else followed. “but it’s okay. Help is on the way.” He gently placed him on the sofa. “Ymir, hand me a towel.” She complied.

Reiner patted Eren’s body dry. He carefully, but thoroughly, dried his hair, then covered him with the blanket Jean set. “Close your eyes and sleep for a bit, okay?”

“Okay.” Eren said tiredly.

They all waited for him to doze off.

“Are you okay?” Reiner asked Armin, hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

“Y-yeah…” he mumbled, looking down.

“Hey,” he cupped his chin to force their eyes to meet. “don’t beat yourself up. We were all slow to react, but everything’s alright now. Don’t be too harsh on yourself, okay?”

“Right…” Armin lamented, looking at Eren.

“I’m going to make some broth.” Krista announced, holding her hands. “I think we could all use it.”

Jean, sitting on an armchair diagonal to Eren, leaned forward and elbows on his knees, thanked her. He was still worried.

Bertholdt was drinking hot cocoa next to the kitchen counter when Mikasa approached him.

“Bertholdt.” Mikasa called shyly.

“Hm?”

“Thank you.” She looked at him, eyes still glassy.

“Mhm, it’s fine. I only did what needed to be done.”

She hugged him, both abruptly and very, **_very_** tightly.

His eyes widened, but he placed the mug on the counter to return the hug. “It’s okay.” He comforted.

“No, I mean it.” She placed her ear against his chest. “Thank you so much… I…” she exhaled shakily. “I couldn’t do anything. If it weren’t for you… he, Eren… he would have…”

He drew circles on her back. “Weren’t you the one who dove in to save him?” he asked, to which she looked up at him, nodding.

“Then don’t discredit yourself. You saved his life. Had he been underwater for too long, he would have **_died_** _._ If his oxygen supply had depleted too much, no CPR or paramedics could have brought him back.”

A tear rolled down her jaw. He felt sorry for her, how she was still visibly shaken. She pressed her forehead against his chest. “Thank you so much, Bertholdt…”

“Mikasa,” he called, to which she looked at him. “go take a bath. You’ve undergone enough stress, you need to relax.” She was about to reproach, but he interjected before she could do so. “Don’t worry, we’ll be here with him until the ambulance arrives.” He closed his eyes and smiled, petting her head.

She sighed shakily, still wanting to cry. The idea of losing Eren was too much to bear. She tightened the grip on her grateful embrace before pulling back. “Thank you, Bertholdt. Thank you so much.” She smiled with glassy eyes, which Bertholdt found absolutely enchanting.

His mouth formed a small “o.” “Y-yeah, you’re welcome.” He rubbed the back of his neck. _Marry me._

She went to kiss Eren’s forehead before leaving to her room.

“Bertholdt.” Jean called from the other side of the living room. “You’re amazing.” He smiled. Everyone agreed.

“Yeah.” Reiner’s expression softened. “You really saved us from a tragedy there.”

Armin ran to hug Bertholdt. Then, Marco ran to join in. And then Jean. And then Ymir, and then Krista, who stopped dicing the vegetables. Then Reiner, and lastly, Annie. They all hugged Bertholdt, who could barely breathe.

“G-guys, it’s fine.” He tilted his head back for air.

“I love you, Bertholdt!” Armin spewed desperately, gripping the collar of his shirt, still in disbelief over the situation. “You saved Eren!” he cried. “You saved Eren!” he sobbed for almost losing his best friend.

“I’m proud of you.” He felt Reiner whisper in his ear.

His eye twitched. “I’m just glad I could help.” He said to no one in particular.

He saw Annie hold his hand. He smiled.

* * *

It had then been two A.M., and Eren had been in the hospital for over three hours. Mikasa and Armin had fought tooth and nails with the paramedics, demanding to be let in the ambulance. Eventually, the frightened paramedics complied. They were only trying to do their jobs, but one of them had told the other “ _this guy’s psychopath friends ain’t making this any easier_.”, to which the latter had laughed nervously.

Then, as soon as they were about to leave, Reiner demanded to be let in as well. Too drained to fight, the paramedics simply complied.

They did have, however, enough energy to **_very_** softly whisper to each other how _“damn hot that raven-haired girl is.”_ Luckily for them, none of the three psychopathic friends from the asleep teen in the stretcher—who, for some reason, always looked angry, even while asleep—heard.

The ones from the squad who stayed behind reminisced about the crazy night, eating the vegetable broth Krista made.

They could not stop gushing about Bertholdt. For the first time in years, he felt relevant. He cannot say he hated the attention.

“What exactly are you planning to study, Bertl?” Jean asked, slurping his broth.

Bertholdt, who was subtly holding hands with Annie, responded. “Chemical engineering, though I was also contemplating biomedical science.” He grazed Annie’s thumb with his own. His eyes were on his broth.

“Nice. I thought you’d go for Fine Arts or something because of how talented you are, but I guess you are pretty good at the sciences too.” Jean said. “How lucky.”

“If it were up to me, I wouldn’t go to college at all.” Bertholdt slurped his broth. Annie let go of his hand to caress his forearm down to his wrist. He understood the gesture, and realised Annie had **_something_** in mind. Or rather, she **_really_** wanted something.

“How come?” asked Marco.

“I’d prefer to just work. You don’t need a diploma to be successful. You know, just like Ymir has until now. I have enough skills to find a good job, a higher education is a complete waste of time.” He felt chills run up his spine.

"Mhm..." Ymir agreed with the last statement, chewing.

“Then why not just do that?”

“Because…” he hesitated.

Indeed, why not just do that? Why should he go to college if he didn’t want **_or_** need to? Then, of course, he remembered. **_Reiner._** He didn’t want to be separated from him, but that wasn’t exactly a concern to him anymore.

“Huh.” He looked at the ceiling. “Why indeed. I guess I still have time to think about it.” He looked back down at his plate, and slurped more broth. He didn’t ask what the rest of them wanted to study. He didn’t care about knowing right now, he didn’t even want chit-chat.

Once they were done eating and reminiscing, they left to their respective rooms for rest. While Bertholdt had the entire room and bed for himself due to Armin’s absence, he still was not able to sleep.

_What if Mikasa and I hadn’t been there? Eren… he would have…_

His eyebrows furrowed reflexively. _He would have died…_ he gripped the sheets. Despite the fact everything was alright now, tears still threatened to form. Life truly was fragile. He could have lost someone he cared about in the blink of an eye, and nothing could have prepared him for that.

His musing was interrupted when hearing a faint knock on the door. He smiled because he knew the only person who’d visit him at this hour.

“It’s unlocked.” He said.

The door opened slowly, and Annie peeked her head. “Hi.” She walked in, quietly closing the door behind her.

Bertholdt turned to his side and rested his head on his fist. “You can lock it if you want.”

She did so, and smiled faintly at him. “You were really impressive out there.” She admitted, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Thank you.”

Silence.

“What brings you here?” asked Bertholdt.

“I just wanted to check up on you.” She looked at the floor. “I figured this wouldn’t be easy to digest once the adrenaline was over.”

“So, you were worried about me?” he smiled.

“I guess.”

Silence.

“I was scared.” She confessed. “I thought he was a goner. And…” she clenched her fist. “I was useless. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Annie, you were not useless.” He sat up, looking at her. She refused to return his gaze.

“Yes, I was. I didn’t know how to help him, I just froze. If Mikasa hadn’t dragged him out, if you hadn’t been there, Eren would have **_died_**.”

“But he didn’t.” Bertholdt played with his thumbs. “Now we have this experience for future reference. It’d be good for all of you to take a first-aid course. Could come in handy.” He smiled.

This time, she returned his gaze, and a smile. “You took courses?”

“Nah, I just watched YouTube videos.” He grinned. “But it’s essentially the same thing, right?”

She laughed. “Right.”

Silence.

Bertholdt grabbed her from the waist and pulled her towards him, enveloping her in a backwards hug. He tickled her, attempting to lighten the mood.

She giggled, understanding the sentiment, but annoyed. She hated being tickled.

“Stop!” she commanded, laughing involuntarily. “It’s annoying!”

He laughed, still tickling. "Sorry, what was that?"

"Bertholdt!" She yelled humorously.

He stopped before she elbowed him. “Okay, okay.” He let go off her. They both sat up.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” she inquired.

His lips curved into a small smile. “Of course you can.” He lay down and rose his arm, indicating her to snuggle under it. She complied, and hugged his chest.

“Thank you, Bertholdt.”

“I’ve heard that a lot tonight.”

“I wonder why.”

Too tempted, moments later he ran fingers up her arm, sending chills down her spine. He let go off her and repositioned himself to hover over her, unzipping her hoodie. His hands explored her body, as he planted soft kisses all the way from her shoulder up to her earlobe.

“Bertholdt…” she called, in what he thought was a moan, but wasn’t.

He slid down her tank top’s neckline, exposing her bust. He stooped to kiss and suck on her neck, as his left hand worked their way around her breasts.

“Bertholdt, wait...” she mumbled, almost incoherently.

He wrapped his left arm around her back, bringing their bodies together. He leaned on his right arm, to whisper on her ear. “You’re so beautiful.” Fully hard now, he ground himself against her. He ran his fingertips around her pelvis, and slid his hand down her shorts. Her heart-rate accelerated as he drew circular motions on her sensitivity, and she gasped in arousal when Bertholdt moaned in her ear.

“Shit…” he bit his lip, repositioning his hand. “Shit, I really want you right now.” He applied pressure on her mons with the heel of his hand, as his fingers played with her clitoris, then slowly lowered them; threatening to slide two fingers in.

“Wait…” she mumbled.

“I want to do so many things to you.” He sucked on the crook of her neck. “I want to fuck you so hard.” He slid two fingers in.

“Bertholdt, wait!” she tapped the nape of his neck, finally rising her tone.

He pulled out and looked at her. “What is it, baby?” he ran fingers down her arm, holding down her forearm.

She remembered Reiner holding her down against the glass door, applying so much force on her wrists she felt her ulna would snap. She suddenly felt uncomfortable, not wanting Bertholdt to hover over her, holding her down the way Reiner had.

“Stop.” She asked.

He frowned, “Why?” caressing her cheek.

“I don’t…” she averted his gaze, forcing her legs shut. “Not right now.”

“But I’m so hard!” he pouted childishly and jestingly. He pressed his forehead against hers. “I really want you right now.”

She didn’t look at him.

“Don’t you want me?”

No response.

He kissed her breasts down to her sensitivity as he spread her legs open, pulling down her panties. He took a playful lick. “I want to fuck your brains out.” He looked up at her with a smile.

She squeezed her legs shut again. “Stop, Bertholdt.” she said seriously.

He frowned. “I’m sorry.” He crawled back up and lay next to her. “Is it okay if I hold you?”

She turned her back to him, fragile heart racing. “As long as don’t try anything funny.”

Why was she so afraid? She was certain Bertholdt would never harm her, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to engage in intercourse with him. Why did she see Reiner? She felt cowardly.

Bertholdt could not help believing the bruises on her wrists were at fault for her not wanting him. He didn’t recall being rough on her last time they were together, yet there was the evidence. He frowned and hugged her from behind, snuggling his face on the side of her neck. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

“It’s okay.”

While Annie was able to doze off rather quickly, Bertholdt still lay awake. He thought of Reiner, and his cock throbbed.

He stealthily rolled off the bed, and headed for the bathroom. He shut the door and rested his back against the wall. He eased his pants and boxers over his hips, and stroked himself to elicit his arousal.

He would make it fast, he only needed to release some steam.

As he closed his eyes slowly with a soft sigh, his mind wandered to the humid Reiner that held a towel to his waist days back. He thought of how he wanted to snatch the fabric away, and drag the blond from the neck to the bed. How he wanted to hover over him and take in his length with his palm while sucking on the crook of his neck, as the blond returned the favour by stroking his shaft.

Bertholdt tilted his head back against the wall, biting his lip to suppress a moan. He tightened the grip on his penis, jerking it up and down on long, twisting strokes.

He thought of Reiner, of strong, manipulative Reiner being at Bertholdt’s will. He thought of how he so desperately wants to roll him on his stomach, and mercilessly insert himself in the helpless blond, pounding him without any modesty whatsoever.

He rocked his hips, rapidly fucking himself into his fist, imagining Reiner’s muscular, sweaty back before him. Imagining strong, manipulative Reiner being totally helpless, willing to take the pain for Bertholdt, begging him to go harder and faster.

He imagined pulling strong, manipulative Reiner towards him in a backward hug, placing his lips on his, having the blond moan into the kiss.

His reverie ended when he came with a loud cry, banging his head against the wall, wanting more. He decreased the pace of his strokes, legs trembling, spreading his seed all over his slowly softening length.

He felt disgusting for fantasising about Reiner. Nowadays he could barely stand being close to him, yet he couldn’t stop using him as an object for his sexual fantasies.

After calming down, Bertholdt washed up, hoping Annie didn’t hear him.

* * *

“I understand.” Reiner nodded, crouching to get the packets from the vending machine port. “Can you e-mail me those pictures?” he asked.

The voice on the other line concurred.

“You work fast. Please, continue to keep an eye on him. Any bit of information, no matter how small, matters. E-mail me everything to the address I sent you. Again, apologies for bothering you so late at night. Goodbye.”

Reiner stuck his phone in his pocket and dumped the snacks inside Mikasa’s purse. He walked back to the waiting room, squeezing himself between Armin and Mikasa. He took out the various packets and let the two teens choose their preferred snacks. They rested their heads on Reiner’s shoulder while they ate silently and tiredly.

 _“Not right now. But in a couple of days, yeah.”_ Bertholdt’s words reverberated in Reiner’s head.

_When will that day come, Bertl? I’ve asked myself this countless times by now. You’re so distant, you just feel so cold and uncaring. You got Annie back, weren’t we supposed to finally talk when that happened?_

He bit the inside of his lip until he tasted iron.

He sighed. _Stop. Don’t be selfish, what matters right now is that shitstain of a father. How am I going to tell him?_

He titled his head back.

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was rather tame, next one should be good, a little intense. Maybe I'm overhyping things, I don't know, but I think things will get interesting. All I can do is hope you guys will love what's coming up!
> 
> Please make sure to leave kudos or a comment if you enjoyed the chapter. Your support and constructive criticism means a lot to me! 
> 
> Until next time (which shouldn't be too long, really. Next chapter is already written). ♠


	37. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fan-fiction is cccccccccccccccccccrap. There is so much I wish I could change to make the story better, and fit certain details more coherently, but it's a little too late for that. That's the problem with spontaneous, completely unplanned writing, I suppose. Still, I hope you continue to excitedly tune in. See you at the end of the chapter!

Bertholdt had become annoyed with Reiner’s constant pestering and advances. He didn’t want to be alone with him. He couldn’t talk to him. Annie said so. They couldn’t be together if Reiner was in the picture. Annie said so.

But here he was anyway. A day and a half from their vacation being over, alone in a room with Reiner. Reiner’s room.

“What is it, Reiner?”

The blond's heart heart was pounding. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you, Bertl.”

“Okay.” Bertholdt sighed to himself discreetly. “About what?”

“That night… you said once you got Annie back you’d talk to me. About us.” He looked at Bertholdt expectantly.

“Okay.” Nodded Bertholdt, waiting for Reiner to continue. However, it was evident that the one he used to call best friend was the one waiting for **_him_** to speak.

“Okay?” Reiner drawled.

“And?” said Bertholdt.

“We haven’t talked at all.”

Bertholdt stared at him blankly, much to Reiner’s chagrin. “I-I just thought we could talk now.”

The taller boy, now almost a man, felt something akin to butterflies in his stomach, but something was not quite right. It was the same tingly sensation, but the cause for it was far from pretty. He felt dreaded, with no way out from this. He **_had_** to talk to Reiner. “Okay. How do we start?”

Reiner opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. After a couple of seconds, nervous under Bertholdt’s undecipherable stare, he clenched his fists and bit the inside of his lip. “Actually…” he mumbled.

_This is not about me anymore. Him first, then me._ He recalled. Discussing his father was far more important than his relationship with Reiner right now.

He sat on the bed, and placed his laptop on his lap. He invited Bertholdt to sit down. “I’d actually like to talk to you about something else.”

Bertholdt warily approached the bed, and sat down. He swallowed. “Reiner, what is it?” he repeated.

_Do I just hit him with it? Or do I make it more natural by engaging in chit-chat, gradually building my way up to the topic? No, he’ll notice…_

“I wanted to know how things were going for you and your dad. Has he called back?”

Bertholdt relaxed. “No, not really. He did send a brief message about him being busy with work, but that's it.”

Reiner’s eye twitched. _Liar._

“But he said that when he was finally done with his business, he'd call me back. He said he wanted to speak without distractions.”

_Liar._ Reiner bit off tiny pieces off his inner lip. _He was busy, alright. But not with work._

“Then you'll meet up?”

Bertholdt’s lips curved into the faintest smile. “We haven't talked, so right now it's mere speculation, but... I think that's the most probable course of action, yeah. To be honest…” he looked down, cheeks tinged with pink. “I’m nervous.” He looked back up at Reiner. “I’ve looked forward to this for **_so_** long.”

_And I’m about to shit on it. I’m sorry, Bertl. I’m sorry… but I’m going to need you to be strong. Please. Be strong._

“B-Bertl.” Reiner’s hands began trembling. He held the laptop to hide them underneath it. “Have…” words couldn’t come out.

“Have?”

“Have you,” he inhaled and exhaled deeply but quietly. “have you thought about why your dad has finally found you?”

“I don’t follow.”

“As in, have you put thought into why, of all times, he’s back in your life? Just like that?”

Bertholdt regained his tense position. “Reiner, get to the point. What are you playing at?”

“I just…” he clenched his jaw. “I just really care about you.” He declared. “I really do.”

The confused boy rose a brow.

“I just want you to be prepared for anything, just like we trained in case you met your mother again, right? And it worked, right?”

Bertholdt’s expression softened, albeit sadly. He felt he didn’t know the person before him. “Please, Reiner… just get to the point.”

He was quiet for five seconds. Then ten, then twenty. And the seconds ticked and ticked until Bertholdt spoke up again, this time louder.

“Reiner, stop wasting time!”

Reiner tried speaking, but broken groans came out instead, his brain unable to find ways to speak what he wanted. This only exasperated Bertholdt more. "Stop wasting time!", he yelled.

"Just give me a fucking minute!" Reiner snapped, tightening his grip on the laptop, much to Bertholdt's surprise. He tightened his core as he slowly exhaled. "Please. Just wait." his tone eased.

Bertholdt huffed quietly through his nose, complying, and the minute, which was really three minutes, seemed to go on forever.

“Bertl, what if your dad wasn’t the person you thought he was?”

“Huh?”

"Just what if?"

Bertholdt sighed quietly, frustration building in his chest. "Reiner, will you just spit it out?"

Reiner's mouth was open, but no words came out. _How do I do this!?_

"If you have nothing to say, I'll just go, Reiner."

Reiner swallowed.

The olive-skinned boy sighed, standing up. Then, Reiner's hand held his and pulled him back down. "Wait."

There was little distance between their faces, and while the room was completely silent, Bertholdt could feel Reiner's ragged, quiet breaths on him. He was undeniably nervous. He sat back down to create distance, "Go on." speaking softly.

Reiner mustered courage. “I think he only found you until now… because he chose to.”

“Of course he chose to find me. That’s what he’s been doing all this time.”

His delusion. The depth of his delusion. It sickened Reiner to the core.

“No, you don’t get what I mean. I mean that he only found you now, because he only chose to look for you until **_now_**.”

Bertholdt’s mouth opened and closed like a fish, attempting to give an answer, but couldn’t. Reiner chose to proceed.

“Look, I have something I want to show you.” He opened the laptop, found the e-mails he's been receiving since two days ago, and turned it to face Bertholdt.

And there it was. All of it.

Photographs of Dedrik Hoover, 45 years old, at the residence of Charlotte Winter, formerly Charlotte Hoover, 42 years old.

Photographs of Dedrik Hoover with an unknown woman, one unknown boy and one unknown girl. Photographs of Dedrik Hoover with a _family_.

Photographs of Dedrik Hoover leaving the Winter residence, once Bertholdt’s home, with disheveled hair and a wrinkled shirt.

Data with the location of Dedrik Hoover’s residence, which was a mere sixty-two miles East from Bertholdt’s apartment.

Evidence that Dedrik Hoover not only had a family, with children, one of **_at least_** six years old, but had been staying with Charlotte for several weeks, on and off, during the days Bertholdt insistently called. **_Begging_** to be listened.

Evidence that, when perusing it shortly, indicated Dedrik Hoover, 45 years old, married with two children and having an affair, did not give a shit about his estranged firstborn, Bertholdt Hoover.

Bertholdt Hoover, seventeen years old, handsome, a virtuoso who knew everything yet nothing—abandoned, abused and invisible, was speechless.

He looked at the floor, eyes shadowed.

Reiner’s heart was pounding.

“Hey, you…” he said softly, shutting the laptop, and putting it away. “it’s okay.” He rubbed Bertholdt’s back for comfort.

Five seconds passed, then ten, that turned into twenty, and extended to a minute.

“Bertl?” Reiner broke the silence. He held Bertholdt’s hand.

Then, Bertholdt snatched his hand from his, and stood up, taking two steps back. His eyes remained shadowed.

“Bertl?”

“It must be nice being you, Reiner.” Bertholdt finally spoke up.

Reiner perked up inquisitively.

“You’re perfectly calm doing shit like this, since it means nothing to you.”

The blond’s eyes widened immensely, his mouth forming a medium _“o.”_

_N-nothing…!?_

“You had a perfectly normal childhood with a loving mother, an abusive father you were saved from before he… before he...” he couldn't utter the words " _abused you_."

Reiner clenched his fists in indignation.

_Normal!? Saved!?_

Reiner thought of the times his mother would lock him in his closet to protect him from his father, and how he could listen in the distance of the room across the hall how she was raped, after incessant yells and fighting. He thought of his bruised mother. He thought of the concussions and abuse he endured—and when he took matters in his own hands, at the tender age of twelve years old, and almost bludgeoned his father to death. After witnessing his mother being raped for the dozenth, twentieth, perhaps close to the thirtieth time.

He thought of how Bertholdt knew none of this, nothing but his father being an alcoholic, occasionally abusive to his mother, because he stopped himself from venting to spare his friend, the boy he **_loved_** , from further pain.

How he refused to tell him anything because he wanted to protect him and be the strong one to help **_him_**.

Reiner was on the verge of tears. On the verge of tears, because no one knew of the weight he carried from the things he’s done to protect the ones he loves. Because Bertholdt, just now, implied he doesn’t care about him, when everything he has done, up to this point, has been for **_him and him alone_**.

“Not everyone had the same luck as you, you know.” Bertholdt’s tone was lifeless. “Some of us have been thrown in tunnels where light was almost unattainable. Where we’ve been invisible and have had to work hard for what we have. But you don’t have that problem, do you?”

Reiner’s eyes watered.

“It’s completely fine for you to ruin me any chance you get, because even if I leave, you’ll still have everyone by your side. You have a mother to go **_home_ ** to. ** _Friends,_** while I’m left alone in the sidelines, where no one gives a fuck, time and time again, to be ruined by you.”

A tear rolled down.

Bertholdt dug his nails into his palm, “I've just...” clenching his jaw. "I've just about had it with you."

Tears now silently streamed.

“Annie… Annie wasn’t enough, was she?”

Reiner’s eyes widened.

“What you did to Annie… what you’ve done to m—.”

_She told him!?_

“Bertholdt, that was an accident!” Reiner yelled in interruption, heart thumping. “I swear!”

Bertholdt finally looked up, confused. “Ac…cident?”

“I swear!” he yelled, hyperventilating in panic. “We were arguing, but she left me talking alone, so I held her wrists just to pull her back! But I didn't measure my strength, but I apologised! We made up!”

Bertholdt’s eyes widened, mouth hanging. His expression remained like that for ten seconds. Then, it turned cold. “You scumbag.” He hissed. “You scumbag, it was you.”

“W-what?” Reiner said, confused. “Me?" He stood up. "What was me?" He blinked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, then they rose. "What did you mean by…” he was hit by the realisation. _I didn’t let him finish. He wasn’t talking about her wrists. I fucked up. I fucked up, didn’t I?_

“You scumbag!” Bertholdt shrieked, hurtling towards Reiner. “You scumbag!” he held him by the collar of his shirt. “What the fuck is wrong with you, you sick fucktard!” he yelled as he shook him, his voice reverberating through the cabin.

“Bertl!” Reiner called, gripping his wrists defensively.

“Why the fuck are you doing all of this! My relationships, my friends, Annie, now this!?” he pointed at the laptop. “What the fuck, Braun!” he dragged him like a ragdoll by the collar of his shirt, crashing him against the nightstand, drawer and wall, breaking lamps, plant pots and dropping hung paintings.

Reiner stumbled back, speechless over the situation before him. Before he could recover, he felt a sharp, palpitating pain on his face accompanied by a **_crack_** , and the force knocked him to the floor. He suddenly experienced a loss of motor control, and felt a bitter taste in his mouth. Shock, surprise, anger, fear, and panic stunned his mind.

His head snapped back and dropped forward almost immediately due to his stunned state of mind. His vision was blurred, and then it slowly came back for him to see Bertholdt before him, one knee to the floor, holding the collar of his shirt again. There was nothing but hatred in his eyes, and his fist, knuckles white from the pressure they were clenched with, was to eye-level, wanting to strike Reiner again. But his fist shook, and he found himself unable to.

Reiner, still foggy but close to understanding what just happened, did nothing.

For Bertholdt’s sake.

_It’s okay, Bertl… do it._

For Bertholdt’s sake.

_Do it as many times as you want._

He wouldn’t fight back.

For Bertholdt’s sake.

_Don’t hesitate._

He’d take the abuse.

For Bertholdt’s sake.

Then, the door barged open.

“What the fuck! Bertholdt!” Jean screamed, bolting towards the taller boy, locking his armpits to pull him away from Reiner.

Everyone but Krista and Annie ran to Reiner’s aid. The broken boy that lay on the floor made out the faces of his friends, but paid particular attention to the two girls under the door-frame. The shorter of the two, who had nothing but loyalty for him, looked at him in nothing but disappointment. The other, for a second, had a smug expression, but then it changed—almost immediately. That’s when she turned around and left.

“Let go of me.” Bertholdt demanded to Jean.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Bertholdt!?”

“Get off me!” Bertholdt pulled back his arms, freeing himself from Jean’s hold. He looked down at Reiner while Eren worriedly tended to him.

“It’s okay, Reiner! Hold on to me!” he pushed the blond’s arm over his neck.

“What is going on here?” Mikasa mumbled to no one in particular, holding her scarf to her mouth.

Bertholdt looked dull, feeling an inexplicable and unreasonable hatred towards everyone in the room.

Eren looked at him, at _**the boy who saved his life**_ , with a mixture of surprise, horror and anger. Bertholdt didn’t care. He walked past Krista, muttering “Excuse me.” Politely, softly, yet strangely tensely.

Was he going to his room? Was he leaving the cabin? Was he looking for Annie?

Eren helped Reiner sit down on the bed. “What are you doing just standing there!?” he yelled. “Someone bring me a paper towel or some shit!”

“Reiner, are you okay?” Eren asked, cupping his face. “Yeah, you're okay. It's nothing too serious." He reassured him. "What happened?”

The blond remained quiet, but everyone patiently waited. Jean knelt next to Eren, offering to clean Reiner's nose with two folded sheets of paper-towel. The latter turned his face away, gently pushing away Jean's arm. After short seconds, he grabbed the towels.

"Reiner?" Eren looked at him in concern. "It's okay, Reiner. What happened?"

“Eren.” Reiner muttered. “I want to go home.”

The Jaeger boy frowned, feeling secondhand pain for his friend. The friend he revered deeply. “I’ll take you home, Reiner.” He said softly. Everyone else, but Mikasa and Krista, felt offended by the interaction between the two. They couldn't help but feel invisible, as if the only people in the room were Reiner and Eren. As if the only worried one were Eren, and because it seemed as though Eren was the only one Reiner wanted in his time of need. _  
_

“Eren,” Mikasa called, taking a step forward. “you’re not fully healed, you can’t leave.”

What was expected of Eren was to snap due to her unsympathetic, selfish behaviour, but he didn’t. “Mikasa, now is not the time.” He said softly, casting her an over-the-shoulder glance. “It’s just driving, I’ll be fine.” He looked back at Reiner. “And I’m not the one you should be worried about.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“No.” He stroked the back of Reiner’s head. “Please, Mikasa…”

Jean held her shoulders reassuringly. She quietly gave in.

Eren helped Reiner up, which everyone but Mikasa and Krista ran to do as well, but Eren extended his arm, holding his hand up. “I got this.”

“Excuse me?” Jean furrowed his brow defiantly, taking a step forward.

"Dude, just chill and let me handle this! If everyone's up his ass we'll just make him more uncomfortable."

"What gives you the right, dipshit? I’m not going to stand idly—”

“Jean,” Reiner spoke up, sniffing. “it’s fine. It’s more practical to have one person anyway.” He eyed Krista, brimmed with overwhelming sadness because the one person he expected the most to run to his aid, is the one acting the most indifferent. His heart hurt.

Jean clenched his fist. "No. No. Why him? **_I'm_** your friend too, let me help you. The two of us can patch you up while the others make tea or prepare a bath, or something, I don't know. We can **_all_** help."

"I don't have the energy to argue right now." He wiped his nose to prevent blood from brimming. "Please, Jean. I just want Eren here."

The hurt sank deeper. _What about me? What about **me**_? “Okay.” He turned back, “But I’m going to give that jackass a piece of my mind.” muttering under his breath.

Slowly and reluctantly, everyone else left, one by one, until it was just Eren and Reiner.

He tried to help him to the bathroom, but Reiner let go. “I’m not crippled. I can walk by myself.”

Eren frowned. “Right. Sorry.”

Reiner walked around the room, holding back tears and sniffing to prevent blood from coming out, picking up the things on the floor. He winced when feeling a laceration while gathering pieces of the broken pot. Eren immediately ran to help, but Reiner pushed him back.

“I can do it.”

The sight of a broken Reiner, sniffing to hold back both blood and tears, was a heartbreaking sight.

He placed everything on top of the bed, and scoured the room to pack his things.

“What happened, Reiner?” Eren asked softly.

He didn’t answer. Eren insisted.

“Please.” Reiner begged, making it clear he didn’t want to talk. “Just take me home.”

“At least let me patch you up.”

“This will do.” He split the paper-towel in two and stuck twirled pieces in his nose. It hurt like hell.

Reiner had refused to bid anyone goodbye once they left.

* * *

The ride was painful for Eren. He drove Reiner for hours, while the latter sat, legs brought to his chest, head resting against the window, as his dead eyes observed the speeding road.

He wanted to help him, but there was nothing he could do. The blond refused to be patched up, refused to go to the hospital. All Eren was capable of was to shoot short, concerned glances at him every now and then with brows, reflexively, furrowed sadly. He wondered how everything, this year, had gone to shit so quickly. He wondered if the group would remain the same, or ever be the same, and found his answer without much difficulty. He frowned grimly.

* * *

Reiner looked at himself in the mirror, brows furrowed, eyes clearly sad.

_I just wanted to help…_

He looked at the lacerations on his face. He stroked them gently with his thumb, then winced in disgust and extreme pain over his purple, swollen nose. Yes, it was definitely broken.

_I just wanted to help him…_

He balled his garments up tight and stuffed them in the clothes basket. He set the shower running, waiting for the water to heat. He walked to the kitchen, naked, and grabbed a clean, dry cloth. Back in the bathroom, he dampened the cloth in hot water and tended to his face, looking in the mirror. He soaked off the smears of blood and gently wiped the open lacerations, wincing from the pain.

Bertholdt packed one hell of a punch.

He breathed in, feeling his nose stuffed. He sniffed, repeatedly, as hard as he could. He stuck the warm cloth in, and pulled a clot of blood out. "Ow... ow!" his voice broke, eyes threatening to water. His body tensed, and dizziness overcame him. He sat on the toilet and rested his head against the wall, easing his agitated breathing. He, then, took deep breaths, hoping the lightheadedness would wear off long enough for him to shower.

Injury poorly tended, he tested the water temperature and slowly entered the shower. He washed his hair and soaped himself from head to foot, scrubbed and rinsed repeatedly. Eight minutes.

He felt humiliated.

The position everyone else found him in. Krista’s expression of disapproval, which clearly indicated she thought of Reiner to be the one to do something wrong. Annie’s smug face, which screamed “ _you brought it upon yourself_.” By now, it’s likely Bertholdt explained what happened. Everyone would most likely think Reiner was crazy.

Bertholdt didn’t tell anyone, though.

And in his mind, he wasn’t crazy. All he wanted was to help his friend. He wanted to prepare the boy he loved, because he knew the truth about his father would hurt him. Why couldn’t anyone understand the love and loyalty he had for Bertholdt?

The anger in his eyes… he had never looked at Reiner in such an odious manner.

Reiner smiled at himself, sadly, in the mirror.

_Last time I was hit this hard was when my old man sent me flying…_

He patted himself dry, then put on the clean boxers and shirt he set aside. He hesitated before entering his room, eyeing Bertholdt’s. He slowly walked towards it, opening the door. He eyed the room.

Walking around, Reiner touched each and every one of Bertholdt’s possessions, biting the inside of his lip. He opened the closet and scoured through the few shirts in the second and third drawers Bertholdt had left behind. He picked one he particularly liked, and sniffed it.

It had his scent.

Reiner buried his face into the shirt, and slowly, quietly cried into it. He fell to the floor. Overcome by the humiliation he just suffered, he hugged his knees, head tucked between them, crying. Now crying uncontrollably. He cried for Bertholdt, somehow for his mother, somehow for his father, somehow for the senior that defiled Krista; he cried for the accumulated stress throughout the years, but, mostly, for himself. Reiner cried for himself.

He was too young, and had lived too much. His heart could not bear the stress any longer.

Then, he crawled to Bertholdt’s bed, and slowly climbed into it. He hugged the shirt as though his life depended on it, and cried himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, completely unrelated to the chapter... GUYS, I'M SO HAPPY. MY BLICK STUDIOS BRUSH MARKERS JUST CAME THROUGH THE MAIL AND THEY'RE SO WONDERFUL. I also just bought a Prismacolor set of 150, which is normally $100, for $49! I'm so happy ;-;
> 
> Am I the only one who wants to tightly hold Reiner, and tell him everything will be okay? 
> 
> If you're liking the story, drop some kudos if you haven't yet, and make sure to leave your thoughts in the comment section. I always adore to read your opinions, sometimes theories. As always, I'm proud to have you guys as my readers! 
> 
> I'm planning on writing a new ReiBert fan-fiction, one that's much better planned and well-written. One that's actually worth anyone's time, lol. Will you guys be by my side if I ever post it? ;-; I'm also accepting prompts to get my artistic vein pumping! If you have an idea, try to be specific and I'll write it. 
> 
> AND HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS TUNING IN FOR THE MANGA OR WHAT!? SHIT'S GETTING INSANE. OMG! EREN WILL BRING MARLEY TO ITS KNEES.
> 
> Also, thank you for the 200 kudos! Thank you for giving my story a chance if you're a new reader.
> 
> Until next chapter. ♠


	38. Reiner...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: YumiKuri ahead! Don't think I've forgotten about them! Remember these two still have unresolved issues, guys.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to TitanTrioLover. Their amazing comments broke the crystals surrounding my inspiration. So, writer's block is gone! Well, at least while I wrote this chapter...

“You’re very lucky, Reiner.”

The young man produced a sound between a huff and an annoyed grunt, as if disagreeing.

The doctor laughed.

Reiner reflexively jolted when feeling him examine his nose for the last time. “Argh!” he yelled, clenching his fists. He shot the doctor an angry glare.

“You are, though.” The doctor said, letting go of Reiner. “Some people require wiring their mouths shut, others are unfortunate enough to need surgery. You’re not among them, despite the severity of the hit.”

Reiner closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, his nose wheezing.

The doctor smiled at him. “Better?”

The blond opened his eyes slowly, and involuntarily returned the smile. “Better, but it still hurt a lot.”

The kind doctor laughed again, to which his significant other would say _“you sure laugh a lot, pig.”_

“Stop laughing at me, doc.” He crossed his arms with a smirk, reproaching. Then, the doctor stopped, and his smile reverted.

“What happened Reiner?” he asked.

The question alone formed a lump in Reiner’s throat. “It was nothing.”

“Karina will have a fit.” He took off the latex gloves.

“She doesn’t have to know.”

“So, you’ll just avoid her for the next month? That’s preposterous.” He sat in the desk’s chair and rolled towards Reiner, leaning forward. “What happened, Reiner? Please, I must know. Are you in danger?”

Reiner rolled his eyes. “Don’t be dramatic, it was an accident. I was playing basketball with some friends and we got carried away, that’s all.”

The doctor continued looking at him in concern.

Reiner smiled fondly over his concern. “It wasn’t my dad, if that’s what you’re thinking. He’s still rotting in a cell.” He looked up inquisitively. “Shit, I hope.”

“Did you fool around with the wrong girl? Was it her boyfriend?” he asked.

Reiner frowned in indignation. “What? No, of course not!”

“With the wrong guy?”

“E-Erwin!” Reiner reproached.

“Apologies, apologies.” The doctor put his hands up. “But Reiner, please. What happened to you?”

Reiner tch’d in annoyance. “You already did your job, it’s not your place to meddle in my business. If I say it was an accident, that means it was an accident. Stop prying!” he stood up defensively, gathering his things.

Erwin stood up and placed his hands on his shoulders, bracing himself for the possibility of a reflexive hit, as it sometimes happened years back. “Forgive me, I’m only worried.”

Reiner froze when feeling the worried doctor behind him, biting the inside of his lip. “Sorry…” his voice broke. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick.”

“It’s alright. I understand if you don’t want to talk.”

Reiner tightened the grip on his backpack. He turned to face his childhood doctor and longtime family friend.

“I’m not in danger, if that’s what worries you. I promise.” He smiled faintly, attempting to hide the sadness in his heart. “I have everything under control.”

“I’ll believe you for now.” Erwin cupped his face and playfully slapped his cheek. “But you can’t avoid your mother forever, you’ll have to at least come up with a better excuse than the one you gave me.” He smiled.

Reiner pulled away and winked at him with a smile, giving him a thumbs up. “Roger that, doc.” He slumped the backpack over his shoulder. “I’ll be back in two weeks, then.”

“Alright.” Erwin crossed his arms. “Say hello to Karina for me.”

Reiner grabbed the door-handle. “And you say hello to Levi for me. Ciao.” He bid the doctor goodbye with a two-finger salute.

“Reiner!” Erwin stopped the boy in his tracks.

“Hm?” Reiner looked back at him, hand still around the handle.

“Christmas is coming up. Would you and Karina care to join us for dinner?”

Reiner’s lips parted in surprise, which then curved into a warm smile. “That might be difficult, I’m a busy man.” He jested, playing cocky hard-to-get. His fond expression indicated his real answer clearly.

Erwin smiled in return, understanding. “I’ll give your mother a call, then.”

Reiner opened the door, looking forward. He hesitated before leaving the room. “Thank you, Erwin…” he muttered, though audibly, with a smile.

The door was shut.

Erwin’s smile slowly dissipated from his face, and his brows furrowed slightly.

 _“I have everything under control.”_ He recalled Reiner’s words. _Then why… why did you look so sad then?_

* * *

**_TWO DAYS BEFORE, AFTER REINER’S DEPARTURE._ **

Krista was humming, stirring the hot chocolate pot. Perhaps it was too late to be preparing hot beverages at two A.M., but it was her way of relaxing. Coping.

“Why didn’t you go after him?”

Krista jolted, gasping in surprise. She placed a hand to her chest and looked back, face frightened.

Ymir was standing beside the counter, bored eyes staring at Krista.

“You scared the hell out of me.” said Krista, furrowing her brow.

“Is there enough for two?” Ymir asked, referring to the hot cocoa. She sat at the counter, leaning on her right hand.

“I-I guess.” Krista nodded, turning her back to Ymir to continue stirring. It wasn’t necessary, but it was better than having to look at her.

Bubbling was the only noise in the room.

“Well?” Ymir said.

“Well what?” Krista continued staring at the pot.

“Why didn’t you go after him?”

“After whom?” she feigned ignorance.

“My God,” Ymir rolled her eyes. “would you stop playing stupid for once?”

Krista turned to look at her. “Don’t know.” was the short answer she gave before looking forward again.

“I’m asking because I thought it was weird,” said Ymir, even though Krista didn’t ask her why. “considering how up his ass you are all the time.”

Krista looked up and sighed quietly in exasperation. She turned the stove knob to shut it off, and turned back to look at her. “Okay, what is your deal?”

“My deal?” Ymir tilted her head, feigning to be confused in an innocent tone.

“Who’s playing stupid now?” Krista’s heartrate accelerated slightly. “Yes, your deal.”

Ymir offered the condescending smile and snort she did whenever she wanted to make someone feel stupid. This angered Krista.

“Like why do you even care if I went after him or not? You’re always bitchy to him so why bother asking?”

This wiped the smug smile off Ymir’s face.

“I bother asking because I really am curious. He was slumped on the floor with a bloodied nose, even Mikasa ran to his aid. **_Mikasa_**. But not you? That’s just weird, in my book.”

Krista turned back, “He said it himself.”  scouring for two mugs in the cabinet. “It was more practical to have one person help him.”

“That’s such a shitty excuse. _Don’t know, it was more practical to have one person,_ yadda, yadda. You can’t even look at me when saying that. You don’t even believe yourself.”

Krista snorted, “Please.” serving the two mugs of hot chocolate. “Did you really deduce that because I’m not looking at you while I serve a hot beverage?”

“No.” Ymir stood. “I didn’t deduce shit. You never look at me in the eye when you’re lying because you can’t bear lying. That’s how pure you are.”

Krista’s eyes widened, now pouring the chocolate more slowly.

“That’s not who you are. If someone’s hurt, you run to their aid, even if you might get hurt in the process. I had to stop you from patching up Bertholdt when Annie kicked his ass, because your instinct, your **_nature_** is to **_nurture_**. You mean to tell me you didn’t go to the one person you hold so fucking sacredly because, oh, he said one person helping him would be more practical ** _after_** he had his face bashed in? Do you even listen to yourself?”

Krista turned, holding both mugs, heading to the counter. She sat across Ymir, sliding her mug. They made eye contact for a couple of seconds, until Ymir finally sat back down.

“Did Reiner do something to you?” Ymir said. “Why have you changed with him all the sudden? Did he hurt you?” she leaned forward.

Krista blinked at her, brows furrowed in indignation over the accusation. “Reiner’s done nothing to me, he’d **_never_** do anything to me. Why are you interrogating me? Are **_you_** listening to yourself?”

Ymir clenched her jaw. “Then why didn’t you help him?”

Krista held her breath, as though time had frozen, and looked at the liquid in her mug sadly. She hesitated, hesitated and hesitated, to the point Ymir thought she'd never speak. And then she did. “Bertl is the victim here, and that’s all there is to it.” she muttered.

Ymir rose a brow.

Time moved again for Krista.

“I don’t…” Ymir hesitated, puzzled over those words. “What?”

“You said that to me. A while back.”

“I did?”

Krista smiled involuntarily, and when she realised it, she looked down and stopped herself from doing so. This gesture only made Ymir smile back, warmly. “Yes, you did.” She couldn’t stop herself from smiling back at the freckled girl. “The night Annie kicked Bertholdt’s ass.”, she air-quoted, repeating Ymir’s previous words.

Ymir grinned.

“That night…” Krista continued staring at her beverage, in efforts to avoid eye contact. “when Bertl and Annie told us they were okay, I was with Reiner. He looked… furious, but emotionless, I don’t know how to explain it. I asked if he was going to try anything, and his stare…” Krista frowned. “It was cold, so cold. It’s like he changed in the blink of an eye, and he asked what I was implying. But it didn’t feel like a question, it’s like he was asking me something but behind that question he was trying to make me take back what I just said. I gave in and dismissed it, and his face changed back, just like that.”

Ymir continued staring at Krista, as though that would make the girl return the gaze. She didn’t.

“I just figured Reiner brought it upon himself. I don’t know what he did, but he must have done something, and Bertholdt probably figured it out. Of course it took all my might to stop myself, it’s not like I just stopped giving a crap. That will never happen. But I thought that maybe, just maybe this one time, he deserved that punch to the face.” She finally looked at Ymir, and this time she smiled, albeit sadly.

“I’m sorry.” Ymir muttered, and now she was the one to break eye-contact.

“Huh? Why are you apologising?”

“In hindsight, I guess I did sound a little crazy interrogating you about Reiner doing something to you.” She chuckled. “But I didn’t know what else to think. Sorry.”

Krista smiled. “You don’t have to apologise. I’m sorry if I sounded rude or something.”

Ymir opened her mouth, but nothing came out, trying to swallow the words she wanted to say.

“What is it?” Krista said, understanding.

 _“Why don’t you just ask her why he means so much to her?”_ Bertholdt’s words reverberated through her head. _“Maybe if she tells you why, you’ll be able to understand why she feels so strongly towards him.”_

“I don’t… hate him” she spoke up.

Krista perked up.

“I’m bitchy to him, but I don’t hate him.”

Krista nervously rubbed the back of her neck. “S-sorry… I shouldn’t have said that word.”

Ymir shrugged it off. “It’s fine. I get what you meant, and it’s not like it’s bullshit anyway. But…”

“But?”

“I’m just jealous of him.”

“Eh!?” Krista’s mouth hung in disbelief. “Why would you be jealous of Reiner!?”

“Because you worship his fucking ass. Honestly, it’s—”

“His!? I worship **_your_** ass! Literally!” Krista interjected a little too loud, jesting, yet referencing their sexual life. It was the truth, after all.

Ymir blushed, and had a counter not been between them, she would have kicked Krista’s leg, albeit gently. Her reddened face made Krista burst into laughter.

“You’re going to wake up everyone, keep it down!”

Krista slowly stopped laughing, then took a deep breath. Ymir was still red. “Why? Why would you be jealous of Reiner?”

“Because… I don’t know. You’re just so affectionate with him, it’s… it bothers me. Man, in hindsight, you’re too affectionate with everyone!” Ymir jested, regretting bringing up the subject. So, she attempted to make light of it. “You’re supposed to be my Krista.” She chuckled.

Krista frowned. “There’s more to it, isn’t there?”

Ymir blinked at her.

“It has to do with the reason we haven’t been talking, doesn’t it?”

Ymir smiled warmly. “That’s my Krista.” She muttered. “Quick as a whip.”

“Ymir…” she cooed. “Are you scared that I’ll cheat on you?”

“No, that’s not it. I just hate how I’m the most loyal out of the two.”

“What the _**fuck**_ is that supposed to mean?” Krista sniped.

“I don’t mean to say you’d cheat on me. I just mean that between the two of us, I’m the most committed. I would never think of doing something with anyone, even if I had your approval. But you… you wouldn’t even hesitate.”

“I really don’t want to go over this again.”

“This has been bothering the fuck out of me and you don’t even want to address it? You don’t even want to bother talking to me, or trying to, I don’t know, reassure me?”

“Ymir, I love you. Why isn’t that enough reassurance?”

“Because it’s not any fucking reassurance. My mind wanders, it goes crazy and rampant when something bothers me. You would jump on Reiner if I gave you the fucking go, how can’t you see how fucked up that is?”

“We already went through this. I already told you that I’d never do anything unless you consented, which in that case, you never would, so I’m never going to do it. I don’t see what your problem is.”

Ymir brought her hands to her face, breathing in softly. “God, you’re so dense.”

“I’m dense? You’re the one trying to complicate things! You have the nerve to say you’re the committed one in this relationship, you’re the one that wants to argue when we have nothing to argue about, yet you’re the one trying to antagonise me. I really don’t understand you.”

Their beverages, now cooling, were abandoned. Neither had taken a single sip.

“Krista, you don’t understand my point. What bothers me is that you’re okay with sharing. I’m not okay with sharing. I’m scared of your liberal mindset, I’m scared of how fucking close and affectionate you are to Reiner. You literally admitted you’d be okay with fucking him if I allowed it, I mean, what the fuck? And instead of trying to reassure me or something, you just get pissed at me, and you don’t even bother on talking to me. Like, if I hadn’t approached you tonight, we still wouldn’t be talking. It’s like we’re playing a game of who gives in first.”

“I really don’t know what to tell you besides _I love you_ and _I’d never cheat on you_.” Krista shook her head.

_“I don’t think this is a matter of Krista being okay with sharing, or wanting to be intimate with other people. I think this is a matter of Krista being okay with it _ **only**_ if it’s Reiner.”_

_“Their bond is so strong that she’ll always be comfortable with doing anything with him, because it's _ **him**_.”_

_Bertholdt, you fuck. What am I supposed to do? It’s your fault I’m thinking so much about this. Fuck. What do I do?_

_“Why don’t you just ask her why he means so much to her?”_

_“Maybe if she tells you why, you’ll be able to understand why she feels so strongly towards him.”_

_What do I do?_ Ymir bit the inside of her lip.

_“Why don’t you just ask her why he means so much to her?”_

_“Why don’t you just ask her why he means so much to her?”_

_“Why don’t you just ask her why he means so much to her?”_

_“Why don’t you just ask her why he means so much to her?”_

She couldn’t stop hearing his voice. 

_“Maybe if she tells you why, you’ll be able to understand why she feels so strongly towards him.”_

_“Maybe if she tells you why, you’ll be able to understand why she feels so strongly towards him.”_

“Shut up!” she yelled.

Krista’s lips parted. “Excuse me?”

Ymir, heart thumping, closed her eyes and sighed slowly. Her eyes opened to the sight of a very perplexed Krista.

“Why him? Why **_him_**?” She asked quietly.

“Why what? Who?”

“Why Reiner, Krista? Why Reiner?”

“I-I really don’t understand what you’re on about, Ymir.”

“Why Reiner? What has he done that he means so much to you? Why are you so loyal to him? I just don’t get it. Bertholdt, I get. But you? Why you? What has he done to you? Are you just that physically attracted to him? Are you in love with him? Are you in love with him, but can’t have him because of Bertholdt?”

Krista felt disgusted over the insinuation. It was love, but it wasn’t romantic. It was gratefulness, it was loyalty. It wasn’t sex, it wasn’t something that simple, so **_meagre_**. It wasn’t romance either. It was pure love. Devotion, in every sense of the word.

Perhaps if she told her, if she told Ymir why, she would understand. Perhaps.

But, for some reason, she couldn’t find it in herself to tell her. She couldn’t tell her the truth. She couldn’t tell her what happened, for the same reason only she and Reiner knew.

Because she didn’t want it to be a topic anymore. She didn’t want it to be something she had to talk about again. She wanted no pity, no sympathy. She didn’t want to be comforted, or held. She just didn’t want to give **_it_** any sort of importance anymore.

Only Reiner knows, and only Reiner will. There is no reason for anyone else to know.

But then, what is she supposed to respond?

It’s not romantic, it’s not sexual, she could say. But to Ymir, the question will remain. Should she sacrifice Ymir’s tranquility, Ymir’s peace of mind, because she doesn’t want to open up?

_“I was raped, Ymir, and he comforted me.”_

Is that it? Is that what she should say?

No.

It wasn’t that simple. By admitting she was raped, she couldn’t just say Reiner comforted her. She would, willingly or unwillingly, give up Reiner’s secret.

By admitting it, she wouldn’t be able to go back. She wouldn’t be able to stop herself.

She couldn’t tell her.

_I’m sorry Ymir, but even if this causes a breach in our relationship, I can’t. I can’t tell you. I’m sorry._

“It’s not sexual, and it’s not romantic. I’m in love with you, I’m attracted to you. Reiner was simply there for me during a hard time in my life, and I was there for him too. It’s nothing complex, it’s really that simple. But we were kids, that was years back, so I guess that’s why it feels so strong. It’s just something that shaped us.”

Ymir didn’t want to accept this answer. “So, you’ll just be fine with fucking anyone you share a bond with? That’s so fucked.” She muttered.

What could she say to protect both Reiner and herself, yet also ease Ymir?

Nothing. She couldn’t think of anything. She didn’t have to give away Reiner’s secret to explain why she was so loyal, but Krista didn’t accept this as an option. If she opened up, it might slip, and she couldn’t risk that.

Was she truly so loyal towards Reiner that she was willing to risk creating a rupture in her relationship with Ymir?

In reality, Ymir would, most likely, no, not most likely. She would most definitely keep everything a secret. She had no reason to divulge what happened, or Reiner’s actions. In fact, there were more probable benefits to spilling the truth to Ymir, than keeping it in. Ymir would, most likely, no, most definitely, applaud Reiner for what he did. She would respect him.

But Krista, stubborn and confused Krista, did not see this.

“I really don’t know what to say.” She said truthfully, voice breaking. “I-it’s not romantic. And it’s not physical. It’s just emotional, I just don't know how to explain it. It's different from love.”

Ymir pursed her lips. _It’s not romantic, but it’s emotional?_ _Do you even listen to yourself?_ Her sad eyes threatened to water, much to Krista’s heartbreak.

Her lips parted. _Damn… I’m about to give in and this was my own decision._ “Ymir,” she cooed. “let me try to explain better—”

“No, it’s fine.” Ymir muttered, standing up. “I’m just going to sleep now, I’m tired, honestly.”

“Wait!” Krista held her arm.

“ ** _Now_** you want to talk? We already had the chance, honestly. I don’t have the energy for this right now. It really might be insignificant to you, but it’s a big deal to me. And it sucks that I had to be the one to chase you. But that’s what love is, right?” She kissed Krista’s cheek. Good night.”

Krista began to cry once Ymir was out of sight.

* * *

Bertholdt lay on his back, dully staring at the ceiling. His hand was on eye level, and he stared at his palm as he clenched and unclenched his fist. He then stopped, and stared at his fingernails, thinking that perhaps it was time to trim them.

That’s when he heard a knock on the door, and sat up straight immediately, wondering if Annie finally came around, willing to talk to him despite profusely refusing after he insisted hours prior outside her door.

He stood up and strode towards the door, the only noise produced being the sound of his bare feet against the wooden floor.

He tightened his grip on the handle in expectation, and slowly opened the door. His face was a mixture of confusion and disappointment due to the guest.

“Ymir?”

Her expression was ambiguous. Sad? Not entirely. Bored? He couldn’t tell. It wasn't happy, but it also looked at ease. No, that wasn't it. He was a little too tired to decipher why, but he came to understand that was the expression of someone who was so drained and sad all they could do was smile slightly. He shared and understood the sentiment.

“Weird, right?” she smirked, referring to her being outside his door.

“Definitely, yeah. What’s up?”

She opened her mouth, and hesitated.

He was already rehearsing in his head, ready to hiss to her he didn’t want to talk about Reiner.

“Can I stay here tonight?”

Now his mouth was open.

“H-here?”

“I mean… Armin’s not here?” she drawled, feeling stupid over not considering the other possibility. “Shit,” she whispered. “sorry, I didn’t know Annie was here.”

She was prepared to turn back and leave, but Bertholdt held her wrist. “No, no. I’m alone.” He opened the door entirely and leaned against it, paving way for Ymir. “Y-you can stay, it’s fine.”

She walked in, sighing.

“But what—”

“No, I don’t want to talk, and even if I did, I would still not tell you what happened, so don’t bother.” She plopped on the mattress.

He accepted this, and thanked her in his mind. He didn’t have the energy to listen to someone else’s problems, as he barely had the stamina to think about his own.

She snuggled up on what usually was Armin’s side of the bed, and hugged a pillow as she lay in fetal position. Bertholdt smiled at this, and he accommodated himself on his own side. He snatched the long body pillow and placed it between Ymir and himself.

She rose a brow to this, and looked back at him. “What are you doing?”

He returned the gaze, though his back still to her, nervously. “W-what?”

“What’s this big ass pillow for?”

He wanted to separate their sides of the bed merely to protect her modesty. He understood that it didn’t make sense, but his mind commanded him to do it anyway.

“I don’t know.” he replied. “I-I put it there to not get too close to you while I sleep so I don’t make you uncomfortable.”

She snorted. “Are you an idiot? You could still roll over and squash me without realising it in your sleep. That pillow’s not going to make any difference, you could just lay on it. Idiot.” She laughed at him, though not exactly condescendingly. The thoughtful deed was endearing, but futile.

“S-sorry.” He turned, now looking forward.

She emulated him. Now they both had their backs turned to each other. “I get what you were trying to do.” She hugged the pillow tighter. “Thanks anyway.”

He hummed in acknowledgement.

Ymir didn’t know how much time had passed when she chose to turn over, her face now looking at his back. She slowly moved towards him, thinking he was asleep, and snuggled her face in the nape of his neck.

The sudden warmth on his nape inwardly startled him. “Ymir?” he called.

Her eyes shot open. She attempted to maintain her cool demeanor. “Huh?” she sounded sleepy. “Oh, sorry. I move around in my sleep.” She turned, moving to her original position, heart thumping in embarrassment.

She didn’t see the small smile on his face.

“If you want to be held, you just have to say so.” He muttered.

“What are you on about?” her voice almost broke, still embarrassed.

He propped on his elbows, looking at her, though her back was turned to him. “Ymir, it’s fine if you want to cuddle up to me. You don’t have to be sneaky about it, trying to do it when you think I’m asleep. It’s okay to want to be comforted.”

She blushed furiously. “What? I told you I move in my sleep. It wasn’t intentional.”

“Alright, whatever you say.” He gave up, lying back down.

Bertholdt’s lids began to feel heavy when he felt the desperation in the girl who pulled his arm back and held on to it. His heart raced from the scare, and his eyes flared open.

He gently pulled his arm back from her and turned to his other side, now facing her. “It’s okay.” He mumbled sleepily, almost incoherently. He opened his arms, inviting the girl in.

She complied, and allowed herself to be held by him. She snuggled up to his chest, taking in his scent and warmth. 

Not everything was fine. In fact, very little was right with the world.

But it sure felt right to be held.

* * *

**_CURRENT TIMELINE._ **

Reiner’s heart was racing. He was rehearsing his excuse in his head, trying his best to make everything seem natural, so Karina wouldn’t be suspicious. He knew that, regardless of telling her in advance he had broken his nose accidentally, she would still freak out.

But it would be fine. She just wanted to see him. She wanted to see her son, Reiner wanted to believe.

It was just that.

But he knew it wasn’t. He knew the reason she called him to come over, and it’s because he was impulsive, careless, and stupid.

Because he didn’t think things through.

The door was open, and the sight of his loving mother greeted him.

“Ma…” he smiled, instinctively hugging her.

“My baby!” She pushed him back from the hug, mortified. “It’s horrible!” she cupped his face.

“Ma, it’s fine!” he pushed her hands away, albeit gently.

“You’re such a hardheaded boy, I swear. Why would you run around in the mud?” she cupped his cheeks again and turned his face to examine it better. "How careless can you be?"

“It was snow, mom, and Jean already lectured me. _Who the hell hikes on winter,_ ” he quoted, gently pushing her hands away from him. “blah, blah. I get it, ma.”

He walked in the house as she shook her head in disapproval, taking his shoes off next to the coat hanger to the door’s right. Various smells permeated the house, and while he couldn’t tell all of them apart, he knew one thing for sure: he was going to eat damn right today.

After reminiscing for a while during lunch, Karina finally announced the reason she summoned Reiner.

“So,” she began, wiping the corners of her mouth with a napkin, face more serious than before.

The ambiance suddenly changed for Reiner, and his stomach tingled in nervousness.

“Reiner…” she looked at him. “I need you to explain something to me.”

He swallowed, attempting to remain collected. “What is it, ma?” he chewed more food.

“Reiner, $400 were extracted from my account last week.”

His heart skipped a bit.

“I assume you transferred the money to your account. That is a lot of money, Reiner. What did you do with it? Don’t lie to me.” She warned.

He drank his soda, the panic brewing within him not showing on his expression. “I was going to tell you.” He rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling nervously. “I’ve had a bit of problems with rent. I thought I could use it because it was a shared account and you don’t use it much…”

“Of course you can use that money, honey. You’re not fully independent yet, I’ll always help you with what I can so you can have back-up money. But $400, Reiner. That is a lot of money, and with no anticipation. You always tell me these things.”

“I know, I know.” he smiled shyly. “I’m sorry, I promise I’ll tell you next time. Things are okay now, though, so there’s nothing you have to worry about.”

They were in silence.

“I told you to not lie to me.”

He looked up from his plate at her, freezing, holding the fork to his mouth.

She looked at him expectantly.

“I’m not lying.” He chewed slowly.

Her stare began to make him uncomfortable.

She rose a brow, and a lump formed in his throat.

“Reiner, what was the money for?” she asked seriously, albeit still understandingly.

His eyes watered.

“I-I”

His jaw quivered, his expression now completely defeated.

Her lips parted in surprise. “Baby, what happened?” she stood up, bolting towards him. She kneeled next to him and cupped his face.

He cried.

“No, no.” she hushed, caressing his cheeks with her thumbs. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay, tell me what happened.”

“I-I just…” his voice broke. “I just wanted to help him.” He slapped her hands away. “I just wanted to help him.” He looked forward at her empty seat to break eye contact, and leaned his face against his hands. He whimpered. “I just…” he began to sob loudly, the dam within him snapping the moment he uttered those words.

Karina turned him and hugged him.

So, he wept.

He wept hard against his mother’s chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that's right. The kind doctor is good'ol Erwin Smith, and he's Reiner's childhood doctor/Karina's longtime friend. 
> 
> This chapter I somewhat focused on relationships, polyamory, to be more specific, I guess? Well, I don't think it's polyamory itself. Anyway, I wanted to address some clashes I've had in the past, not necessarily through my own experiences, but I have vaguely incorporated two perspectives I have, which conflict because they're on different sides of the spectrum (Krista and Ymir). Obviously, I could elaborate far more and explain myself more clearly, but for the sake of the fic I kept it short and vague. 
> 
> PRIVATE BOOKMARKS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE -_- 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter...? I don't know, for some reason, I like it. I wrote it at three A.M., and I even had to take a nap in-between because I was SO tired. So, because I wrote it so sleepily and late, perhaps I won't like it and will find flaws in it when I re-read it later (for and with a fresh perspective). Yes, I could have waited and posted it later, BUT GOD DAMMIT, I WANTED TO POST THIS ASAP.
> 
> Sooooooorry! ♥
> 
> Until next chapter. Remember to leave kudos (if you haven't) if you've been enjoying the story, and leave your thoughts in the comment section! I LOVE to read your thoughts, no matter how long or short they are. Criticism is as happily welcomed as are compliments.
> 
> Big, big shout-outs to the following people for being here for months now (or for just commenting really cool stuff), and ALWAYS cheering me on (in no specific order, only in order which came to mind):
> 
> 1\. FireandIce128  
> 2\. pooKie420  
> 3\. TitanTrioLover  
> 4\. EncryptedKaOs  
> 5\. Amethystaa (a new commenter, but a damn good one at that!)
> 
> Thanks, everyone! ^_^ ♥♥♥
> 
> OH, AND, I'M ACCEPTING PROMPTS (thank you for the idea, pooKie)! If you guys have any ideas for fan-fictions/one-shots, or if you want me to write something, either leave a comment telling me, or send me something specific to my e-mail: ana@ipg.co
> 
> OR
> 
> Twitter: https://twitter.com/amortetomal


	39. Hiatus Update, Future Plans and More

Hey. It's been a while, hasn't it? I haven't updated in over three months... sorry about that. I went from updating several times a day to updating every month at best. I've been pretty blocked, so I haven't written anything for any of my fan-fictions. I want to, though. I haven't abandoned this story, I just don't know what to write anymore. I don't want to discontinue this, but I do want to let you guys know I'm okay and this work will continue, I just don't know **_when._**

 

There's also something I want to do for this work that I wanted to discuss with you:

 

What do you think about me adding drawings to the chapters at times? Sometimes I have very clear images in my head, like expressions Bertholdt is making or the tension between two people (like when Bertl hit Reiner) and I'd rather have you guys *see*  instead of **just** explaining. I'm not sure if it'd ruin immersiveness, or if it'd actually add to it. They wouldn't be full drawings, coloured, with a lot of detail, etc (that would take a LOT of my time), they'd just be quick sketches to emphasise a point. I want to add them (it'd also help me improve my artistic skills lol), but I obviously don't want to do something most of you would consider lame.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know I'm not dead and that this work isn't discontinued. It'll just take me a bit to finish it. I hope I haven't lost all of my audience by now, that'd be embarrassing.

Also, the Annie OVA was amazing and the manga has been crazy as fuck. The latest chapters are insane, those of you who haven't read them, GET BUSY AND READ THEM. I've also been re-watching the anime starting from the Female Titan arc and I just fell in love with Bertholdt all over again lol omg I just want to marry him and I hate Isayama for wasting his character. He deserved so much better. SEASON 3 IS COMING SOON. <3

 

Leave a comment with your thoughts on what I just mentioned and let me know if you have any suggestions or anything you'd like to see. Happy late Christmas and New Year, I hope you guys had happy holidays and your 2018 has been good so far. Mine has been full of surprises, and it'll be my birthday soon (Feb 21st). I'll also start college in May. ^-^

 

Thank you guys for sticking around if you're still interested in this story. I haven't forgotten about you! In fact, I've even talked to some of you via e-mail, which is freaking awesome. I love talking to you guys, so feel free to message me if you want to :3 ana@ipcg.co

 

 


	40. Godspeed, Dedrik

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy to have finally updated :3 I got a random bout of inspiration earlier today, and I took advantage to write whatever I could. I stopped for about two hours to watch the Overwatch League, and now I just finished writing the chapter.
> 
> I hope it's to your liking, it has been three months after all!
> 
> See you at the end notes. ❤️

To this day, I’m not sure how it started or why I did it. If you had asked me then why, all I could’ve answered was _“because it felt right.”_

Six years later, the answer is the same. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I had a different answer, to soothe my ego and make my conscience feel better, but I don’t have one.

The answer is the same as it was then.

_“Because it felt right.”_

You asked me once how I knew you were the one for me, and I told you that I had always known. But that wasn’t true, I knew it then even as I said it, and it’s a poor lie that you swallowed as easily and obediently as all the cum you swallowed in your youth.

I said it not because I meant it, but because it sounded pretty, because it sounded like something someone would say in a book or a movie, and because you were feeling so wretched and helpless; because I saw in your eyes the same desperation I had, and because I thought that if I said it, we both might feel better about the shitty situation before us, the situation we both could have prevented.

But if we had prevented it, we wouldn’t have re-met, and we wouldn’t have gotten married, and we wouldn’t have had our two kids.

There are good days when everything is right in the world, and then there’s days where I wish we hadn’t fucked in my car, at a dark alleyway next to my favourite bar.

A day like today.

In a sense, that small session of comfort I so desperately needed tied me to you forever.

The same way one small session of carnal desire tied me to her, and gave me my first son.

It looks like I have bad luck with women.

There is this misconception that psychiatrists have their life together, and have little to no issues because of the problems they deal with on a daily basis, and because of how they can help their patients get their lives together.

The same misconception doctors have, that because they know about health, surely they’re healthy themselves.

I once asked my friend Lancelot about this. We were at a brothel, lamenting our shitty mistakes and how shitty we were for betraying our wives, and Lancelot just drank and drank, and smoked cigarette after cigarette.

 _“You’re a cardiologist.”_ I said _. “Why are you smoking?”_ I said. _“You know how bad that’s for your health.”_

His response earned nothing but a huff from me.

 _“You’re a psychiatrist and offer couple’s counseling, yet here we are.”_ He had said.

I never brought up the topic again.

There’s no way of specifying, but it’s safe to say a colossal percentage of psychiatrists and psychologists alike became professionals in the field because they wanted to figure out their own issues. I am no different, but it’s also safe to say that almost everyone has issues.

I used to be all high and mighty—rode on my high-horse from dusk to dawn, prideful about my experience and prestigious degrees. Because of my profession, colleagues and acquaintances alike (though Lancelot is another story) were certain I had my life together. They all saw Dr. Hoover, the well-versed, successful psychiatrist and family man Dr. Hoover.

Nobody saw Dedrik. Lost, self-loathing Dedrik.

The façade? That’s all it was. A façade and a lie. Deep down I knew I was a piece of shit and always had been. I mentally criticised some of my patients for doing the same things I had done.

Chronic infidelity. Abandoning a child.

Every major decision in my life reduces to a simple matter: I am selfish.

Sometimes I feel that letting Charlotte abort Bertholdt would have been a better and easier idea, simply because my heart wouldn’t be under the stress it has been for the last decade.

I abandoned Bertholdt to burn in a special hell of misery, and I didn’t do anything about it because I was scared.

Because I didn’t want Dr. Hoover to be associated with such a dramatic event.

Even if it killed Dedrik inside.

And now I’m selfishly seeking his help.

How funny have things turned out. A former drug-addicted prostitute for a wife, an estranged family from both sides, a six-year old child and a worthless father with Sickle cell disease, none which can donate a kidney to a dying four-year-old.

I have been damned with a useless family and a painful condition, and my only hope of survival for my little girl is to chase the one person I hoped to remove from my life forever.

Perhaps this is my punishment.

In one way or another, Bertholdt is my worst nightmare.

Maybe this will be my judgment day.

* * *

“Come on,” Eren cast an over-the-shoulder glance to Mikasa. “we came all the way to Trost for this, meaning we’ll be stuck here for a while, so you might as well show some enthusiasm.”

Armin smiled to himself as Mikasa sighed softly.

“What are we looking for?” Mikasa asked.

The thing about Eren Jaeger was that, bless his little heart, **_he had no idea._** Christmas was coming up, and the yearly squad’s party would be in five days. He had gifts for everyone, except Bertholdt and his parents.

He grumbled to himself quietly, looking but not looking at the stands. They were at the videogame shop.

“I already have my gifts for everyone.” She mumbled, trying to make the point she didn’t **_need_** to be here, which Eren ignored. She noticed this.

 “Armin, what about this?” he pointed at a game called _Bloodborne_.

“E-Eren,” Armin laughed nervously “I’ve been trying to tell you that Bertholdt doesn’t—”

Mikasa blinked slowly and pulled her scarf down to uncover her mouth. “I’m going to cause a racket.” She interrupted.

Both boys now looked at her. Her eyes widened for a fraction of a second, then returned to normal. She brought her scarf back up to conceal the shade of pink now tinging her cheeks.

She was attempting to be humorous. Belanor said that every time he was in a public place with his friends and they (jokingly) argued, or when his friends interrupted him and he wanted to (jokingly) assert his presence. _“Shut the fuck up or I’m going to cause a racket,”_ he’d yell with a winning smile. His squad found it **_hilarious_** , and Mikasa smiled every time he said so. Picking up his quirks and habits, she said this in hopes to assert her presence and make light of how bored she was.

Naturally, Armin and Eren didn’t understand the context, so they didn’t laugh.

Eren shook his head in confusion. “What?”

Armin shared the same look of confusion.

She turned her back to them and faced the stand opposite to them, “looking” for a videogame.

“Anyway…” Eren turned back and looked at Armin. “So? What do you think?”

“Look at the label, Eren. It’s for PS4.”

“Oh. Isn’t it for the PS3 too?”

Armin shook his head with a smile. “Nobody makes games for the PS3 anymore. It’s older than grandma, same thing with the 360.”

“Then what am I supposed to give him?” Eren questioned.

“I’ve been trying to tell you he’s not a console peasant like us! He plays on the PC. Just browse through Steam and gift him a coupon or something.”

“No, it needs to be physical! Digital shit doesn’t feel as intimate, ya know?”

“You want to be intimate with Bertholdt?”

Mikasa snorted quietly.

“You know, I’m not going to dignify that shit with a response.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” Armin smiled. “If you want to give him something physical, then why not um…” he pondered. “clothes? Or something small he can carry around that reminds you of him or viceversa?”

“Like… a keychain?” Eren asked.

“Sure. It doesn’t have to be something expensive, you know.”

“Yeah, but it feels wrong if it’s something cheap, man.”

Mikasa perked up.

“Oh, well.” Eren sighed, putting the game back on the shelf. “We can keep looking later. You guys want some ice-cream?”

Armin agreed, repositioning his backpack. Mikasa, distracted, only began following them seconds later.

They made their way around the mall, walking past expensive shops, until they found their desired place: Häagen-Dazs. Mikasa stayed back at one of the tables, while Armin and Eren ordered. The two walked back to the table, Eren sat next to Mikasa, Armin across them.

She pulled her scarf down, thanking Eren when being handed her banana split.

Armin babbled, and Eren was oddly quiet.

Then, they stayed in silence.

“What do you give to someone who saved your life?” Eren reclined against the seat, arms behind his head.

Mikasa looked at Eren. She thought about the question, and memories suddenly were brought back.

“Aren’t you saving his life too?” Armin asked.

Eren looked at him, as though asking “ _what?_ ”

“I mean, he’s been staying with you since the whole thing with Reiner happened.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “but it’s not the same. Iunno.”

Armin smiled. “I think it’s really nice you want to give him something physical. I think he could use something like that.”

“Really?” Eren grinned hopefully, glad someone understood his idea. “But” his smiled suddenly wavered as he looked at the ceiling. “I still have to think about what I want to give him. What do you think, Mikasa?” he looked at her.

She had, unconsciously, been holding her scarf during the entire exchange. “Something he can carry around is a good idea.” She agreed with Armin’s previous statement. “Something he looks at and reminds him that he’s cared for…” she looked down. Still holding her scarf. “something that makes him feel safe.”

Eren pouted, “That’s deep” not realising he hadn’t even touched his snack. “Oh!” he leaned forward, snapping his fingers. “I got it!” he put a huge spoonful of ice-cream to his mouth. “How about a perfume?”

“Meh.” Armin, scrolling through his phone, wasn’t impressed.

“Aw.” Eren mourned his disapproval. “What of you, Mikasa?” he leaned on his right hand, looking at her.

“Maybe a hoodie of something he likes. It’s winter, after all.”

Eren liked the idea.

“Woah.” Armin cupped his chin. “There was an earthquake in Liberio.”

“Really?” Eren asked surprised. “When?”

“Like fifteen minutes ago.”

No reaction from Mikasa.

“Shit, I hope nothing happens here.”

Armin hummed in agreement.

“Bertholdt likes Overwatch a lot.” Eren reminisced. “That’d be a pretty neat gift then, right?” he asked for Mikasa’s approval.

For reasons she didn’t understand, her eyes softened at Eren. And for other reasons she didn’t understand, she held his hand, and smiled.

Eren was puzzled by this, and when Armin looked up to say something, he froze.

“So,” he tried to pull his hand back, but she wouldn’t let go. “is that a yes?”

“Ne, Mikasa?” He drawled, confused.

“I think it’s a cool idea.” Armin interrupted the moment. “And since it’s winter he’ll wear it a lot.”

“Good!” Eren struck his fist into his palm. “Then a hoodie it is. Now, for his birthday.”

“Well, we still have a week for that” said Armin, to calm down Eren’s enthusiasm. “Let’s plan his birthday party after Christmas.”

Mikasa’s eyes still refused to leave Eren.

* * *

“Will you be okay, baby?” Karina asked, brushing Reiner’s hair back with her fingers.

“Yeah, ma” he smiled, the evident sadness in his heart brimming through his eyes, betraying his cheerful expression. “I have to get back. It’s been three days already.”

“Okay.” She accepted softly. “Just don’t be afraid to call me if you need anything, that’s all I ask.”

“Of course.” He smiled.

She got on her tippy toes, planting a kiss on her son’s forehead. “I love you.”

He closed his eyes, accepting the kiss. He embraced her one last time, kissing her cheek. “I love you too, ma. Really.” He pulled back. “Thanks for everything.”

“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

He just smiled. He wishes he could say _“of course, ma”_ but it would be nothing but an empty promise. All he could do was smile, and she understood what it meant.

_“No promises.”_

He slung his duffel bag over his shoulder. Karina observed his every move as he walked towards his car. She only got back in the house when she saw him drive away, until he was out of sight.

* * *

Once at home, the first thing Reiner did was take in the small apartment’s scent. It smelled like… nothing.

Normally, it’d smell like essential oils or pleasant cleanliness.

But Bertholdt wasn’t here.

So, it smelled like nothing.

He had been doing nothing but lay in bed for the last three days, and yet, he still felt so exhausted. He walked towards his room and peeked over Bertholdt’s. He sighed, and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was probably Krista.

He put down the duffel bag and threw himself in his bed. The notification was not from WhatsApp, but from Outlook.

_Hi, Reiner,_

_I hope everything is going well._

_Just wanted to get in touch with you to see if everything is clear with the invoice I sent on December 10th._

_I am sure you’re quite busy, but I would appreciate if you could take a moment and look at the invoice when you get a chance. Please address any questions you may have._

_Thank you._

_Gunther Schultz._

It was his landlord. Rent is due.

Reiner cussed under his breath. “How could I forget?” he shut his tired eyes.

_This means…_

He sat up, immediately feeling nauseous.

_Do I do it now? It’d give me an excuse to hear his voice._

Twenty minutes had passed, and all Reiner had done was stare at his phone. The nauseating feeling never ceased.

He mustered the courage to look through his WhatsApp contacts, until he found the name he was looking for.

And for a moment, Reiner’s heart stopped hurting.

Bertholdt was **_smiling._**

It’s like his expression returned to normal. The last time Reiner had seen him, all he could make out of the person who used to call him friend was a foggy, blurry figure of shadowed, furious emerald eyes, with a fist to eye level.

But not in this profile picture. Here, his eyes were glistening, and a healthy shade of pink tinged his cheeks.

It was Bertholdt. **_His_** Bertholdt.

And the reason for his smiling wasn’t Reiner, or, curiously enough, Annie.

It was Ymir, whom he didn’t even notice at first.

Reiner couldn’t stop himself from zooming Bertholdt’s face. He bit his inner lip.

_He’s so…_

His expression softened.

_Gentle._

Reiner smiled when remembering Bertholdt’s seemingly never-ending blushing was a usual biological reaction he had when in crowded places. He laughed over the fact he was surprised there wasn’t a drop of sweat on his friend’s face.

His “friend.”

The smiling ceased when he reminded himself that title was, most likely, erroneous to use.

No, they weren’t friends.

_But I want to listen to him so bad…_

After pondering for ten more minutes, Reiner decided to take the leap and call him. The first two times, there was no response. That’s when Reiner texted him, saying the call was “ _business related_ ”, and Bertholdt gave him the go. Reiner’s stomach churned more and more with every beep. He grabbed the collar of his shirt in panic.

“Yes?” the voice on the other end greeted coldly.

Reiner’s mouth hung, as though words wanted to leave his mouth, but couldn’t.

A very slight, slow exhale, almost nervous-like, could be heard from the other line.

“B-Bertholdt…” Reiner drawled.

“What is it, Reiner?”

A broken groan escaped the blond.

And, after ten seconds, he finally spoke up. “Bertholdt...”

“Is something the matter?” Bertholdt spoke coldly, **_almost_** civilly and **_definitely_** dissociatively, like one would speak to a complete stranger.

Reiner frowned. “I…”

He froze.

Bertholdt impatiently cleared his throat, sending him the message he had no time or patience for him. Clearly saying _“hurry, or I’m hanging up.”_

And Reiner understood that message.

“Yeah.” He finally mumbled in defeat. “Rent is due.”

“Ah. I guess I must’ve missed the e-mail.”

“I guess.” Reiner’s tone was almost inaudible. His heart was pounding.

The silence was deafening.

“Ja, then I’ll wire the money to your account. You should get an e-mail then. Goodbye.”

Before Reiner could so much as open his mouth to respond, Bertholdt hung up.

He gritted his teeth, all in attempts to not cry. Then, he started thinking and slapped himself mentally for choosing to not send a voice note via WhatsApp instead. Had he done that, Bertholdt would have, most likely, sent a voice note back. This would have allowed Reiner to replay it over and over, since what he wanted most was to just **_hear_** him.

And so, he remembered.

Dozens and dozens of voice-notes they must have from months ago. Reiner scrolled up and up and up for almost thirty minutes, until eight months back, before everything went to hell, and listened to every voice note he could find.

 _“What are you doing, why can’t you hear me!? I’m literally screaming!”_ the text message said. Then a missed face-cam request notification appeared below, and then a voice note from Bertholdt.

 _“Rein, I’m so so so sorry for bothering you…”_ the voice started. _“but we’re out of toilet paper. Please help me!”_

Reiner laughed by recalling the memory, his eyes watering.

“ _Bro,”_ Reiner’s voice note started _. “hahaha I can’t even”_ he was laughing hard. _“I’m sorry man, I was blasting some music. I’ll go get some.”_

 _“Holy shit, thank you”_ wrote Bertholdt with a relieved emoji.

 _“Ok, don’t panic,”_ started Reiner’s text response. _“but I can’t find any on the laundry room.”_

 _“WHAAAAAAAAAAT”_ had been Bertholdt’s response.

They exchanged messages, how Bertholdt told Reiner to bring the kitchen’s paper towels instead, but apparently, they had run out of them too. So started Reiner’s adventure of driving immediately to the grocery store at 10 P.M. to buy toilet paper and paper towels. Bertholdt, in midst of his desperation, had told Reiner (though he meant it merely as a hyperbole—a joke) to bring “two dozens of each.”

To Bertholdt’s surprise, Reiner had bought exactly two dozens of each.

By the time Reiner stopped reading the conversation, the tears wouldn’t stop streaming. He obsessively listened to Bertholdt’s voice notes over and over, listened to the **_joy_** with which he talked, the **_affection_** in his voice. The person he loved most in the world, the person he tried to protect most, the person he had given up and done everything for despised him.

How could he recover from that? And the answer was that he didn't know.

He didn't know how he could recover or, if, in any case, he could recover at all.

* * *

The man sat at his hotel room desk when he felt it.

It was very slight, but he felt it. He was going through paperwork while listening to the TV for company, left hand brought to his forehead, when he heard the slightest clinking from his mug against the desk. His eyes shot to the slightly moving mug.

 _An earthquake?_ He thought. _No, it’s too slight. An Earth tremor?_

He sighed, standing up. He left the mug and lay on the bed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. He read the on-going WhatsApp conversation he had been having for almost a week now.

He stared at their profile picture.

No, his profile picture.

His **_son’s_** profile picture.  

Dedrik couldn’t help smiling. God, he was a handsome boy. No, young man. A handsome young man. He would be eighteen soon.

The girl next to him wasn’t bad either. Quite cute. Was that his girlfriend?

He wouldn’t be surprised if it were. He wouldn’t be surprised if his son were a star amongst the ladies.

He found himself grinning.

And then it hit.

The overwhelming guilt.

He felt both excited and terrified every time he looked at that face. He thought about all the time lost. He thought about the things he must have gone through, the things he could have saved him from had he not been such a **_coward_**.

How will Bertholdt react when seeing him?

How will he react when seeing Bertholdt?

Will he break down? Will he break down the way he has dozens of times on his own? The way he’s broken down on an escort’s lap too embarrassingly many times before?

_I just want…_

He pressed the call button.

_I just want…_

The recipient picked up almost immediately.

“H-hello?” the shy young man greeted nervously, but desperately.

Dedrik’s mouth hung agape. His eyes widened so much they stung.

The sound of his voice alone made him freeze.

“Hello?” Bertholdt repeated childishly. He sounded on the verge of tears.

“Son…” Dedrik muttered.

Bertholdt’s eyes watered.

They were in silence for nearly ten seconds.

And Dedrik smiled.

“Hi, son.”

“Dad…” Bertholdt smiled, starry-eyed.

“My boy…” he said, then shook his head to correct his words immediately. He recalled his son’s mature appearance and understood he was **_not_** a boy anymore, and that after so long it must be awkward to call him that. “I mean… ”

And yet he didn’t know what else to say. "I, uh..."

Bertholdt gazed at the wall expectantly.

Dedrik laughed, and Bertholdt enlivened immediately.

“I apologise.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I understand if this is uncomfortable for you, so—”

“No!” Bertholdt interrupted. “No, no, no, don’t worry. T-this is just fine.” He grinned. “I’m just” his voice cracked. “I’m just really glad to hear you.”

If both men knew that their expressions matched each other’s, they would laugh. If they knew both their hearts were beating almost equally as furiously, they would laugh even more.

“And I’m really glad to hear you.” Dedrik mumbled.

There was so much Bertholdt wanted to say, but nothing came out. His mind was blank.

“Well, I…” Dedrik cleared his throat. “I was wondering if you’d like to meet up.”

“Me?” Bertholdt asked. “Oh, yes! Yes, of course I’d like to. I… uh…”

“When would be best for you?”

“Anytime! I can anytime.” Bertholdt spoke hurriedly.

“Does tomorrow work for you?”

Bertholdt perked up. He couldn’t produce words, only broken groans.

“Or whenever you want, of course.” Dedrik said quickly. “I can definitely meet up whenever you can.”

“No, no, tomorrow is just fine!” Bertholdt fidgeted. “I can definitely meet up tomorrow. W-where?”

“I would prefer if you picked the place. Anywhere you want or where you feel comfortable would be best.”

“O-of course. L-let me just think real quick.” He bit his nail. "I... um..."

Dedrik laughed. “It’s okay.” He comforted, which Bertholdt warmly grinned over. “Take all the time you need. I just want to see you.” He almost inaudibly mumbled the last part. “You can text me the details.”

“O-Oh.” Bertholdt said, assuming Dedrik didn’t want to speak over the phone anymore.

This was the case, the panic welling within him commanding him to drop the call, but Dedrik regretted it almost immediately, changing his mind just as fast.

“Why don’t we chat about other things while you think?” He offered.

Bertholdt grinned widely again with glistening eyes. “Y-yeah!”

 _I just want…_ Dedrik thought, lowering the TV’s volume. _I just want…_

“Come on,” he prefaced. “how about we start with you telling me all about yourself?”

“Y-yes!”

Dedrik smiled sadly.

_I just want to redeem myself…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the thing: don't judge me. 
> 
> I hardly cry, right? I've lost people before and, while it did affect me, I didn't necessarily cry. I'm pretty strong, but uh... I got into SNK again, right? And I've been obsessing again over Bertholdt. The other day I was rather emotional, and every time I looked at Bertholdt, I cried.
> 
> Literally.
> 
> Every time I looked at him I CRIED LMAO. I just love him so much holy shit, somebody please save me. I AM TOO DEEP IN THE FANDOM AND I REQUIRE ASSISTANCE. PLEASE HELP, BERTHOLDT IS MY LIFE AND I LOVE HIM AND THAT DAY I LITERALLY COULDN'T STOP CRYING OVER HIM BEING DEAD LMFAOO
> 
> Ah, right. The chapter. Did you like the chapter? Any thoughts? Sorry if it seems rushed, because in hindsight, it kinda was. Lol. What about the image? Are you guys comfortable with me adding pictures for immersion? I just added one for this chapter, but might add way more in future ones.
> 
> If you did like the chapter, make sure to leave kudos if you haven't and a comment with your thoughts! I welcome both compliments and criticism with arms wide open as I'm eager to improve.
> 
> Thank you so much for still being here. Until next chapter. ♠


	41. Bertholdt x the x Trap?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Bertholdt losing a bet to Annie on whom would win on the Houston Outlaws vs Los Angeles Valiant match. This is supposed to be a lighthearted chapter with Annie, Bertholdt and Ymir shenanigans. :3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. We explore Reiner and Krista's relationship.
> 
> 2\. We see a glimpse of Annie, Bertholdt and Ymir's friendship.
> 
> 3\. Nothing crazy happens in this chapter, but it will on the next ones.
> 
> NOTE ABOUT THE TITLE: "Trap" as in "male that crossdresses as a girl specifically to attract males."

_Reiner gently thrust into her, moaning softly on her lips. He could feel her trembling under him._

_“Are you okay?” he grazed his lips over hers, his warm breath making her shiver more._

_“Yeah…” she responded, looking at him with half-lidded eyes. She caressed the back of his nape, her wrapped legs around his waist bringing him closer to her. “Yeah.” She closed her eyes._

_“Because” he grazed her chin with his thumb. “we can still stop.”_

_“No…” she arched her back. “I like it.”_

_“Okay,” he smiled softly. “if you want to stop just say the word.” He kissed her nose, smile widening. The gesture was meant to be cute, but the nature of his eyes betrayed the gentleness in his actions. There was fire incited by extreme arousal in them._

_She giggled and pushed his head back playfully. “Stop doing that.”_

_He held her wrist and brought her hand to their chests, then wrapped his fingers around hers. “Do what?” he grinned._

_“That look… stop it.” She looked away, biting her lips to prevent her smile from growing._

_He laughed confusedly. “What look? I’m not doing anything.”_

_Krista clamped her legs together and slowly rocked her hips, a soft moan forming in her throat. Reiner was confused, then blushed as soon as he realised he was still inside her._

_“O-oh… I see.” Now he was the one looking away. “Well,” he scratched his ear nervously, gripping the sheets with his free hand when feeling the pleasuring friction. “that’s awkward. Sorry.”_

_He felt his cock twitch when hearing her finally release a held-back moan. “Reiner,” she continued rocking her hips. “I want this.” She moaned, cupping his cheeks, bringing him down for a kiss. “Stop asking me every minute if I want this, I want it bad.” She kissed him again. “Please,” another kiss. “please fuck me.”_

_Reiner’s eyes widened immensely at this. “Oh…” he groaned. “W-wait…” he called, Krista barely allowing him to speak as she frantically kissed him. He gripped the sheets tighter, moaning into her mouth. He was close already, yet they had barely just started._

_He pulled back forcefully, heart thumping. “Wait!” he called._

_Krista’s expression changed to one of surprise._

_“I-I need a minute.” He asked, gasping for air._

_He squeezed his eyes shut, arms shaking. She noticed his trembling, and wondered if he was already tired of supporting his body weight over her neck._

_“Are you tired already?”_

_“N-no, it’s not that…” he mumbled, too embarrassed to admit the real reason he needed to stop._

_“Was I too aggressive?” After all, it wasn’t like her to say such indecent things. Did she scare him away?_

_His eyes shot open. “H-huh?” Reiner felt nervous under her disappointed stare, understanding her thought process. “N-no! Of course not, that’s not it!”_

_“Then what happened?” she almost felt annoyed. Almost._

_She wondered if he kept asking whether she wanted this only to deviate attention from the possibility he wasn’t sure of this or didn’t want it to begin with._

_He dropped down to rest on his forearms again. His breathing was normalising now._

_“Um…” she rested her hand on his shoulder. “do you want to stop?”_

_He gulped. “W-what? No!” he answered immediately. ”No, not at all! No!”_

_“Then what’s wrong?”_

_“I…” he blushed and looked away, embarrassed. He felt pathetic. He wanted to make love to this girl to make her understand sex doesn’t have to be forceful or bad, like what happened to her twice that grim weekend one summer ago, yet only a little bit of grinding and he was close to coming already._

_He was embarrassed for wanting to be the one to change her mind, while still being very inexperienced himself. He was overconfident, thinking he’d nail this because of the dozens of adult videos he watched and articles he read on how to make a girl feel good._

_He only realised now that he was more nervous than her._

_She pursed her lips. “Reiner?”_

_He produced a short, shy whimper._

_After a few seconds, her lips parted, and a smile grew on her face. She now understood what was wrong, and her suspicion was confirmed when she cupped his face and felt it burn. He still refused to look at her._

_Her smile bloomed into a chuckle, and her chuckle grew into a laugh. This made Reiner finally look at her, albeit puzzlingly._

_“You’re adorable.” She kissed his nose._

_“W-what?” he scolded himself for stuttering so much._

_“Are you close already?” she asked, still grinning._

_Reiner felt panic brew in his chest. “W-what!?” he asked in indignation. “Of course not! W-why would you say something like that?”_

_“Awwww,” she squealed, though in genuine affection. “you really are something.” She pulled him in closer and hugged him tightly._

_His eyes watered in embarrassment._

_The massive six feet tall and 95 kg Reiner Braun, a great quarterback and the school’s king: a stuttering mess, brought to tears and at the complete mercy of a tiny four feet seven, 45 kg girl._

_She pulled back to reassure him, but her surprised expression came back the moment she saw tears form in his eyes. Her mouth hung agape, and the affectionate fire in her heart burned harder. “Oh my god!” her eyebrows furrowed in sympathy. “No, no, it’s okay! I didn’t mean it in a bad way!” she brought him close for another hug, plastering kisses all over him._

_Reiner didn’t know where the things wetting his cheeks were coming from. All he felt was his body quivering, his previously throbbing erection softening, and the gentle lips kissing his wet eyes._

_“Reiner.” She forced him to look at her. “It’s okay, Reiner. I really didn’t mean it in a bad way, I swear.”_

_He blinked away a tear._

_“You have nothing to be ashamed of,” she nuzzled._

_His lips parted. That smile, those genuine and glistening eyes. The innocence in her face._

_He realised his body was quivering in joy._

_He exhaled softly, closing his eyes as he rested his forehead against hers. He smiled, then opened his eyes slowly. “I’m good to go now.”_

_He placed a gentle kiss on her lips. The lengths at which he has gone to protect her defy all reason for a boy his age, and yet…_

_He grabbed her hand and interlaced her fingers with his own. It was funny to him how a girl almost half his size and literally half his weight could make **him** feel safe._

_She ran her fingers down his back, sending shivers up his spine. He closed his eyes, melting under her touch, until he jolted when feeling her squeeze his ass._

_His eyes widened and lips parted, looking at her in shock._

_“What?” she smiled. “You have a really nice ass.”_

_He didn’t say anything, much to her chagrin. “Was that bad?”_

_The embarrassment was wiped from his face and replaced with utmost confidence. His eyebrows creased, and he shot her a cheeky grin. “Do that again.”_

_She complied, and he laughed. Then, she laughed. They laughed together, but the laughing session quickly ended when she brought him down for another kiss, running her hand from his pecks down to his pelvis. She held his half-hard member and tried to pump long, twisting strokes. She read that men liked that._

_He produced something between a groan and a laugh._

_She felt embarrassed, full well knowing she had no idea what she was doing. But the embarrassment eased as she gradually felt him harden up. He moaned into her mouth, and for some reason, she found it undeniably hot._

_He squinted and smirked at her. “So,” her breasts bounced as he suddenly thrust into her, no gentleness unlike before. “you want me to fuck you?” he hummed._

_Krista didn’t know what to respond._

_“It’s okay,” Reiner purred in her ear, brimming with confidence. “I’ll warm you up again.” He cupped her chin and kissed her slowly, sliding his tongue in. The kiss was slow, but gradually picked up in pace. Her nipples hardened as a response to the way his hands explored her petite frame, and she could feel the warmth and excitement return to her loins. Her vagina contracted on Reiner’s cock._

_The intensifying arousal forced her to squeeze her eyes shut, moans growing on the back of her throat._

_To Reiner, she was the epitome of femininity._

_Delicate, gentle. She went from being a cute thing he wanted to protect, to someone who genuinely made him feel at complete ease. When he was with her, he felt transparent. There were no secrets._

_Her moans had an incredible effect on him._

_The bed creaked as she felt him slide down, and when she opened her eyes the image she took in was a blond head between her legs._

“Why…” Krista opened her eyes and looked at the ceiling. “Why am I remembering that now?” she muttered to herself. She turned slowly, resting her head on both hands.

Suddenly, she felt hot.

She kicked the covers away in hopes it’d freshen her up. After a minute, she sat up and grabbed her phone from the night table. She checked her messages and found Reiner still hadn’t responded.

 _“I’m okay,”_ he had said. _“recovering slowly but surely.”_ That was the last thing he had texted her.

She sighed. _Why…_

She bit down her lip. _Why is my heart at such unease?_

She rubbed her chest and exhaled shakily. Was it anxiety? Was she anxious about her current state with Ymir? About how she was hardly home and spent half her time with Bertholdt?

Was it Reiner?

Did she fear for his safety?

It was Reiner. He was close to reaching his breaking point. Not only had Bertholdt changed immensely towards Reiner, but also towards anyone from the squad that wasn’t Ymir or Annie. This, obviously, affected Reiner to a level that didn’t compare to anyone else’s. She felt that if she didn’t keep an eye on him, no one would.

 _Oh…_ she lamented. _So, that’s why._

That’s why she remembered that particular night. Because she’s always been the one to look after Reiner.

After they first made love, they talked about their past. Krista would tell him about her childhood, and he would tell her about his. Never did once Reiner look at Krista when speaking. She understood why and reassured him.

 _“It’s okay to cry.”_ She had said.

The moment Reiner looked at her gentle eyes, and felt her tender touch, the dam within him would snap.

And he’d cry.

He’d cry so hard his chest would hurt. He’d cough, choke on saliva, continue sobbing and this only made Krista cry along with him.

They’d cry together, every time.

Sometimes they’d fall asleep with tears on their eyes, holding their naked bodies.

Sex wasn’t necessarily a carnal desire for them. It was more of a bonding experience. It simply felt right. They desired each other, but they weren’t lustful.

Their bond was far deeper than a sexual and/or romantic one.

And no one on Earth but these two knew about it.

And that’s why Krista was scared. Reiner was truly reaching his breaking point, and she was convinced she wouldn’t be able to handle it, much less help him. No one could.

Only Bertholdt.

* * *

“Stop moving!” Annie demanded.

“I can’t—ow! I can’t help it! You’re too rough!”

“I’m rough because you won’t stop moving.”

“And I won’t stop moving because you’re rough! If this goes on, I’ll go blind.” Bertholdt hissed.

“It’s your fault for betting on the wrong team.” She smiled.

He whimpered, pretending to sob like a child. “Annie, please… I really don’t want to do this!” he stood up.

“Too late. Now, sit back down. Let me do your hair.”

“Annie, please!” he begged.

“Bertholdt!” she yelled, grabbing her flat iron. “Stop whining and take the loss! Besides,” she smiled. “I’m going to make you look really pretty… Berta.” She chuckled at the nickname. “And Ymir’s waiting for us anyway, so we have to do this.”

“Everyone’s going to think I’m your gay friend…” he mumbled, twiddling his thumbs.

She gently ran fingers through his hair, then straightened each layer with the flat iron.

He coughed, then exaggerated by pretending to have a coughing fit. “The smoke is too much!” he moved away.

“If you keep moving, I’m going to burn you. God, you’re so childish.”

He feigned sobbing.

She moved in front of him to straighten the front layers. Her chest was on eye-level. His mouth hung. He forced himself to look away. “You really suck at this, Annie.” He mumbled.

She pursed her lips, grumbling. “Shut up.”

He was tempted to grab her hips and make her sit on top of him. He scolded himself for being impolite.

“In any case,” she drew his attention. “are you ready for tomorrow?”

He gulped. “I-I don’t know.”

She thought carefully about how to word what she was thinking. “Have you talked to Reiner?”

He visibly tensed.

“No.”

The atmosphere suddenly changed.

She placed the flat iron on the table, and cupped Bertholdt’s face to make him look at her. She observed his make-up. “Krista said he’s a mess.” She stated casually, making sure everything was in place, in case his make-up needed retouching.

His eyes looked dead. It was incredible to her how Bertholdt’s expression could go from glistening and gentle, to dead and cold by the power of one word. “So?”

“Nothing.” Annie turned her back to him, unplugging the flat iron. “Just saying.”

“You’re not sympathising with him, are you Annie?”

She froze at his defiant tone. “Of course not. But I do feel it’s necessary to say, don’t negate what Reiner showed you just because he’s Reiner.”

His abdomen tightened with every slow exhale.

“Just… keep it in consideration. To protect yourself.”

She frowned, cursing Reiner in her head. “Well,” she forced herself to look neutral, turning to look at him. “come on, Berta. Stand up and show me what you’ve got.”

The light came back to Bertholdt’s eyes, and he stood up, blushing. He looked away, putting a hand on his hip. “H-hey boys.” His blush spread to his ears. “C-Care to buy a girl a drink?” He looked at Annie.

She turned her back to him and slapped a hand to her mouth, much to his surprise. She held her breath, trying to keep the laughter in.

“Annie, are you okay?” he asked softly, walking towards her, and gasped when seeing her pale complexion was suddenly redder than anything he had ever seen before. “Holy shit, are you okay!?” he now asked alarmed, leaning towards her in concern.

She took a deep breath, attempting to collect herself. “Y-yeah…” Bertholdt smiled at her stuttering, which was perhaps one of the rarest occurrences possible. “I just got excited and forgot to breathe, that’s all.”

She looked at him, “This is going to be a lot of fun.” the sincerity in her smile making this humiliation worthwhile.

“Okay…” he stuck his hip out sassily. “call Ymir, because we’re going shopping, bitch.”

Ymir was watching cat videos on her phone when she heard tapping on the car window. It was a smiling Annie, and next to her all she could make out was an olive belly button. “Oh, shit!” she exclaimed, getting out of the car as fast as she could.

“Holy fuck!” she cried, grinning widely. “Let me take a look at you!”

Bertholdt felt humiliated, but one look at Annie’s genuine happiness motivated him. He stuck his hip out like before and attempted as best as he could to sound like a basic white bitch. “Hey, bitch.”

Ymir leaned forward, placing her hands on her knees. She laughed so hard tears prickled her eyes, the sight before her overwhelming her senses.

Bertholdt could only laugh in return. A genuine, hearty laugh.

Bertholdt, genuinely laughing. A sound Annie hadn’t heard in what felt like a thousand years, and a sound she would wait another thousand years to hear.

 _Bertholdt…_ she looked at him warmly.

Ymir choked on her saliva, which initiated a coughing fit. Bertholdt rushed to her side, worried, profusely asking her if she was okay. Ymir only looked at him, laughing more. “Fuck off!” she pushed his face back. “I can’t take you seriously looking like that.” She wiped the corners of her eyes. “Oh, god…” she continued chuckling. “Okay, the signs are in the back.” She crossed her arms. “Go ahead and sit down…” she smirked. “Berta.”

He complied, and Ymir slapped his ass as hard as she could when he walked past her. His face seemed to turn blue, confirming he was embarrassed beyond all human explanation.

“Damn,” she held her hand. “you’re like made of steel. That actually hurt.”

“I’m **_really_** hard, am I not?” he purred. “You want to see a place that’s even harder?”

“Ew,” she feigned gagging. “please keep that disgusting shit to yourself. You’re supposed to hit on guys, not us. So, get in the car and shut up.”

Annie got on the passenger’s seat, Bertholdt on the back. He jolted when feeling something furry on his back. “Ew, what is this freaky shit!?” he yelled, throwing the thing away as though it were contaminated.

“Hm?” Ymir looked back, starting the engine. “Oh, it’s a wig. You should probably wear it.”

Bertholdt couldn’t believe he was doing this.

They engaged in conversation while Ymir drove them to the mall. Annie, Bertholdt and Ymir. A strange, unlikely trio. Had Bertholdt been told a year back this would be his group of friends, he wouldn’t have believed it.

Well, at least it helped.

It sure helped fill the void Reiner left. The void Bertholdt ignored and refused to acknowledge.

They unbuckled their belts. Bertholdt took a long, deep breath. He got out of the car, feeling the wind embrace his taut stomach. He looked at his reflection in the window and cringed, adjusting his wig. He grabbed the sign Ymir wrote: _“Honk if you think I’m attractive.”_

Two parents and a child walked past them, and Bertholdt’s cheeks burned when the little girl pointed at him. Annie and Ymir tried as best as they could to keep their laughter down.

They walked silently to the sidewalk next to the road. Bertholdt broke the silence by saying in indignation, “I look like a two-dollar New Orleans whore.”

Annie burst into laughter.

“Okay,” Ymir spoke up. “you look bad enough to pass as a joke, but if anyone took you seriously they’d just think you’re a tranny. You’re fine, don’t make such a fuss.”

“A tranny? That’s insulting to them. You know that YouTube video posted by Joey Salads? The one where he does a social experiment by dressing up as a transgender woman but he’s just wearing a bunch of ridiculous clothes and a cheap wig? Like it’s obvious it’s staged because his costume is **so** painfully bad. That’s how I feel right now.”

“Hey!” Annie interjected. “The make-up isn’t **_that_** bad...”

Bertholdt stopped in his heel and turned to Annie to hold her shoulders. “Annie,” he began. “you are a great person. Very angry and scary, but great nevertheless. But your make-up skills? They suck. You’re really bad at it. The sooner you accept it, the better.”

Her mouth hung.

He smiled at her and pulled her close for a hug. She pushed him away and crossed her arms, looking away. “Hmph.”

“I can’t even walk properly,” they resumed. “I feel like this shirt’s going to rip any second now. I can’t even stand straight. And don’t even get me started on this… fuck.” He whimpered.

Ymir smirked at him. “The thong is stuck inside my ass cheeks…” he lamented.

“Okay, Bertl-san.” Ymir crossed her arms, then looked at Annie when she hit her arm. “Berta-san.” She corrected. “Go right ahead.”

“Go on.” Annie shooed him away.

He sighed and wondered how he got dragged into this. For a moment, he thought about Reiner and wondered what he was doing. He got angry at himself for so much as acknowledging his existence.

The traffic light was red.

Bertholdt could hear a couple of windows being rolled down.

He stood a little further from the traffic light and held the sign to his stomach with his left hand. He held his right arm over his head.

_“Honk if you think I’m attractive.”_

Laughter could be heard.

Bertholdt was redder than he had ever been in his life. His blush spread to his ears, and he was sure he could cook an egg with the heat exuding from his face.

The traffic light changed to green, but no one honked.

He felt offended.

But more cars drove by, and one finally honked.

He smiled shyly and waved his hand to the driver. Ymir was a laughing mess.

Annie felt she had to pee.

Bertholdt played with the wig, and another car honked. He put a hand to his chest, implying he was flattered. The more cars honked, the more relaxed he looked, and the more he waved and smiled at the drivers. At one point, he even pretended to dance.

“Is he actually liking this?” Annie asked Ymir. “He’s actually loving the attention.” She mumbled in disbelief.

“Seems like it. What a slut.”

The traffic light turned red, and more honking could be heard. Panic rose in his chest when he saw a hand stuck out of a car window holding a phone.

“A-Annie!” he screamed looking at the girls, cheeks burning.

Someone whistled at him.

He had no choice but to burst into embarrassed laughter. He took off the wig and ran for his life towards the girls, massive grin on his face.

“Yay!” Ymir screamed with a wide grin, clapping. Bertholdt ran to her, wiping the sweat off his face with his forearm.

“That was the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Please, can I change now?”

“Hey, hey!” Ymir interjected. “You still haven’t gone inside to flirt with guys. And scariest? You looked like you were enjoying the fuck out of yourself back there.” She smirked.

“I think that’s enough, honestly.” Annie said. “His make-up is all ruined because of the sweat anyway. He’d probably get beat up for looking like a creep.” She got on her toes and held her sleeve to wipe the sweat off him.

He smiled at her gratefully. Ymir eventually gave in, ignoring the tension between the two. “Fine, fine. Let’s go get your clothes and have you change, you nasty little shit.” She nudged Bertholdt.

“Cool,” Bertholdt jogged. “let’s get some ice-cream!”

The girls followed him.

“Oi, oi, wait for us!” Ymir yelled to halt Bertholdt’s enthusiasm.

He ignored her.

“It would be hilarious if suddenly he went viral.” Annie commented.

“Right?” Ymir looked at her. “Poor Bertholdt.” She shook her head. “We’re pretty mean to him.”

“He’s just so easy to take advantage of.”

Bertholdt reached the car and looked at Ymir from the distance, waiting for her to unlock it.  She complied, and he immediately stuck his head in.

Ymir stopped in her heel, making Annie mimic her in confusion. “I’m worried about him.”

Annie’s lips parted. She didn’t need to answer, because she knew what Ymir was talking about. And she felt the same way.

“Oi!” Bertholdt yelled. They looked at him, and he was waving his arm with a smile on his face. “I’m going to go change now! Let’s meet at Crepes & Waffles!”

“Yeah, okay!” Ymir yelled back. He chuckled, still smiling brightly at them, and took off with his duffel bag after shutting the car door.

He was **_so_** innocent. It made their hearts hurt.

“There’s nothing we can do.” Annie stated matter-of-factly. “It’s his choice at the end of the day, and he’ll have to accept whatever the facts are.”

Ymir knew the truth. Annie could attempt to act as nonchalant as she wanted, but Ymir knew, better than anyone, that the one who worried most was her.

She sighed, sticking both hands in her pockets. They resumed walking.

They walked silently, now inside the mall, making their way to the restaurant. Annie’s phone buzzed, and she unlocked it to check the notification. It was Reiner.

“ _Can we talk?”_ The text said. It was funny to Annie how it took all her willpower to deny the request. Well, she **_wanted_** to, at least. Ymir must have noticed her hesitation, given how she asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Annie said coolly.

Ymir pursed her lips in annoyance over the lie.

“Reiner and Bertholdt…” Annie muttered, looking at the floor. “I never thought I’d see the day these two would split up.”

“I don’t think anyone did.”

“Do you hate Reiner?” Ymir asked after a moment of silence.

“I want to,” she responded. “but I can’t.”

They turned to look at a crying child that tripped on the floor. _“That’s what you get for not listening!_ ” a woman, presumably his mother, said.

“I guess I just feel sorry for him,” Annie added.

“Hmph.”

They went inside the restaurant and scoured the area for a table they liked. “Right there,” Annie pointed to the left, a booth of four right next to a large window.

“Oh,” Ymir placed a hand on her hip. “good find.”

Her phone buzzed.

 _“Hi,”_ the text began. _“when are you coming home?”_ the text from Krista said.

Ymir typed as she walked towards the table, almost bumping into a chair. “ _In a couple of hours maybe?? I’m at crepes. Want anything?”_

 _“I guess a mushroom panne cook sounds nice,”_ was the response. _“Who are you with?”_

_“Annie and Bertholdt.”_

_“Oh. I figured.”_

Ymir felt Annie kick her shin, then looked up. “Hm?”

Phone buzzed.

“Should we order anything while we wait for Bertholdt?”

“Meh, if you want.” She shrugged, looking back down at her phone. “Get some hot chocolate, he likes that.”

_“Maaan it sure feels lonely around here without you heh.”_

_“You should go to Reiner’s if you feel lonely. I’m going to be out here for a while anyways.”_

She stuck her phone in her pocket. “Hm. I thought Bertl would arrive here first. I hope the moron didn’t get lost again…” she looked over her shoulder out the window, in hopes she’d see him nearby.

 _“Can we talk?”_ Annie remembered. She sighed quietly.

“Hello,” said a young voice, handing over two menus. “my name’s Evelyn. What can I get for you?”

“Oh, um,” Annie mumbled, taking the menu as she hid a strand of hair behind her ear. “we’ll just check out the menu for now.” She opened it. “Can I get a large hot chocolate for the time being?”

“Of course,” the waitress smiled, making herself scarce.

“Hey,” Ymir called before she left. “while we decide what we want, can we order something for take-out so it’s ready before we leave?”

The waitress nodded.

“I want a mushroom panne cook.”

“Of course,” responded Evelyn politely. “do you wish for anything else?”

Both girls declined.

After a while, Annie finally saw Bertholdt through the window. She perked up. Ymir, scrolling through her phone, didn’t even look up when saying, “he’s here?”, which Annie confirmed.

He was wearing a black Overwatch League shirt, blue jeans and white air max.

“Hey!” he smiled when seeing the girls. He sat down next to Ymir, scratching his head. His hair was still layered to the front, and very voluminous on the sides. It was time for a haircut, but the style quite suited him. “Sorry if I took a while, I had to attend a call.”

They looked disinterested while using their phones, only humming in response.

He drummed his fingers against the table. He had been talking to Dedrik on the way to the restaurant, confirming their rendezvous. They changed their meet-up to two days after their first phone call.

He engaged in conversation with the girls, discussing the recent earthquakes shaking Liberio and other cities of Marley.

Meanwhile, over six and a half miles east, Reiner lay in his bed with both arms behind his head, Krista sitting at the corner of the bed. Ymir didn’t know that, by the time she suggested Krista should go to Reiner, she had already been with him for over an hour.

“Will you spend some time with us, though?” she asked him.

“Maybe, I don’t know. Ma seemed really happy about spending Christmas with these two, so I might stick with them for a while.”

“I know who Erwin is, but who’s Levi?”

“It’s his cocky, sassy, rude as shit husband.” Reiner smiled at her. “He always looks like he’s this close” he pinched his fingers, leaving a small gap “to kicking someone’s ass. He seems to hate everyone but Erwin.”

Krista giggled. “It kinda sounds like”

“It sounds like Ymir alright,” Reiner interrupted.

She smiled sadly.

“Sorry she’s giving you a hard time,” he sat up. “I appreciate what you’re doing for me, though.”

“You better,” she mumbled.

“Ah, our lives suck right now.” He rested against the wall, placing both hands over his head. “I’m this close to killing myself.”

Krista’s head snapped to him, eyes widened.

“I’m kidding,” he smiled. “Kind of.” He cocked his head, cracking his index finger with his thumb.

Like Bertholdt, Krista was easily able to identify the gesture and its meaning. She also understood that his constant smiling was to be concerned of.

She sighed. “I’m not even sure if to believe you.”

“Well,” he closed his eyes, shrugging. “c’est comme ça.”

_“That’s how it is.”_

His phone buzzed for what felt like the hundredth time. His response was to look at his hand, cracking his middle finger with his thumb.

“Aren’t you going to get that?” she asked, annoyed.

“Nah,” he said. “it’s probably Eren. He’s been pestering me all day to hang out.”

She hung her head in defeat. “I won’t even try to convince you.”

“Cool,” he smiled. “if we’re going to be here we might as well have fun. Want to fuck?”

She shot him a disgusted glare, finding the suggestion incredibly insulting. “Your carefree attitude is really freaking me out,” her voice almost broke.

“Chill, I was just kidding.”

Her concerned expression annoyed him.

He rolled his eyes, “Relax, I’m fine. Don’t be so whiny.”

Krista didn't believe a single word, and with good reason.

After all, Reiner was a truly stupid, volatile (sometimes dangerous), and reckless idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! If you did or didn't, make sure to leave your thoughts in the comments. Good or bad, don't be afraid to hold back. I'm eager to improve.
> 
> So, uh... this story is finally going somewhere. I've somewhat planned the following chapters, so yay for me finally being organised. Thank you to those of you who actively read this fic, and even bigger thanks to those who always comment. I appreciate and value you guys SO much.
> 
> The next chapters will be very Bertl centered, so if you love that gorgeous boy as much as I do, that's something to look forward to. 
> 
> Until next chapter, you cute Bertos. ❤


	42. Hello, Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, BERTHOOOOOOLDTTTTTTTTTTTTTT 
> 
> I felt like writing some Eruri for no reason. They're becoming part of the story, SO BEAR WITH IT. I ship the hell out of them ;-; 
> 
> The long awaited chapter is here. The long awaited meeting, at last! From here onward, it'll be very Bertholdt heavy. THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET CRAZY SOON >_< see you at the end notes!

Erwin sat at the counter, hand placed over his face in incredulous disbelief. Before him stood the five-feet-two clean freak Levi Ackerman, furiously vacuuming at speeds that defied physics, piles of laundry slumped over his shoulders.

“Levi, I can help—”

“No.” he spat. “You can’t move, it’s dangerous.”

“It’s just my back. As long as I don’t do any lifting, I should be fine.”

“I said no,” he cast an over-the-shoulder glance, leaving no room for discussion.

“I’m the doctor here,” said Erwin barely above a whisper.

“A doctor unintelligent enough to not know how to properly squat to lift a box.” Levi turned off the vacuum cleaner. He walked past Erwin and grabbed the laundry basket on top of the stool, placing it on the counter with a furious **_bam_** , though carefully enough to not hit the teacup close to it. He began folding the laundry.

Erwin stood up and gently held his hand. “Allow me. I can do this.”

Levi’s eyes snapped to him. “Sit down,” he threatened.

Erwin couldn’t hold back the grin that formed on his face after Levi snatched his hand away.

“Tch.” He looked back at the clothes. He folded them with immense speed and precision. “What’s with that stupid grin on your face, old man?”

Erwin walked closer, hugging him from behind. Levi froze momentarily. “What are you doing?”

He wished he could place his chin on Levi’s head, it’d be more romantic. Unfortunately, Levi was simply too short for that. It both bummed and joyed Erwin to lengths he couldn’t explain.

After all, the slightest bit of leaning **_did_** hurt.

“Hey,” Levi nudged his stomach with his elbow. “answer me.”

“Ah…” Erwin sighed softly, eyes closed. The smile refused to leave.

Levi’s cheeks threatened to blush in embarrassment. “Don’t tell me it’s not just your back. Has brain damage impeded your speech too?”

Erwin lowered his hands to his hips. “Levi…” he whispered.

He stopped folding the laundry.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”

Levi’s mouth hung.

“I’m glad you’re the one I get to come home to.” He felt a kiss being placed on the top of his head.

 _You’ve got it backwards…_ Levi looked down. _Erwin,_ _I’m the one who’s…_

“Cut it out,” he demanded, resuming the folding. “spewing teenage crap won’t change the fact you’re a shitty moron. Go sit down before you hurt yourself again, old man.”

Erwin laughed, walking past Levi to look at him face-to-face. “I’m being serious, though.” He leaned against the counter, then immediately regretted it. The sharp pain on his sciatica kicked in. He slowly stood back up, attempting to keep his expression neutral so Levi didn’t notice.

Naturally, however, he did.

“Tch,” He let go of the shirt he was folding. “how many times do I have to repeat myself?”

“Okay, okay.” Erwin smiled. He grabbed the teacup and headed to the couch.

“I’ve been thinking of a menu for Christmas,” he said casually, placing his legs on the coffee table—a gesture Levi tolerated from no one but Erwin.

“Oh?” said Levi, almost done with the laundry.

“I’m still not entirely clear on everything, but I definitely want some bruschettas.”

Levi nodded.

He turned the TV on. “We could have some loaded sweet potatoes, like the ones we had on Oasis. I’ve almost got the hang of them.”

Laundry done, Levi grabbed the basket and smiled slightly. A barely noticeable but warm smile. He had fallen in love with one of the many dishes they ate on Oasis of the Seas—a cruise the couple vacationed in months back. Levi had enjoyed them so much, Erwin took it upon himself to memorise every ingredient, after questioning one of the waiters, and attempted to recreate the dish as best as he could when he had the time. He was never able to emulate the exact flavour, but Levi loved it nevertheless.

Erwin browsed through the channels while Levi left the basket on their room. He came back and put the vacuum in its respective place, washed his hands, then sat next to Erwin.

He felt bold, so he did the unthinkable—which he did only, and **_only_** when Erwin was around—and rested his feet on the coffee table.

Erwin habitually rose his arm. Levi understood the message and nuzzled himself under it. “I like how that sounds,” the shorter of the two mumbled.

He sighed to himself, forcing back a smile, relieved for finally being under Erwin’s warmth.

“We, too, could have some onion soup. Reiner’s very fond of it.”

“Write it all down on the board,” Levi said, referencing the whiteboard they kept next to the fridge.

After sharing comfortable silence while watching an episode of “ _How I Met Your Mother,_ ” Erwin laughed suddenly but heartily at one of the jokes, which made Levi jerk awake. He didn’t even catch what the joke was. He only realised then he hadn’t been paying attention at all. He had been entirely focused on observing Erwin from the corner of his eye, then fighting to stay awake when feeling his lids turn heavy.

Levi looked at Erwin, and reflexive warmth spread on his chest. Erwin, **_his_** Erwin, was such an old man to him. He laughed at bad jokes, cracked bad jokes, even occasionally suffered from back pain.

Despite his attractive appearance and charming demeanor, when he was at home he truly felt so… old.

No, not old. It was something else.

Like a dad? Levi couldn’t quite put it in words.

But he felt proud. So proud.

That was **_his_** Erwin.

He wished he had a warmer personality, that he could be better and more natural at expressing his feelings. Like Erwin, or like the stupid teenagers and young adults he mocked and tch’d at.

But habits that are burned into your body and soul are hard to break.

Most of what Levi knew had been nothing but coldness, apathy and pain. No matter how much he loved Erwin, he knew he’d never be able to be as lovey-dovey as he’d like to be or believed Erwin deserved. His mind would process something romantic to say, but his tongue wasn’t quite able to catch up. So, he’d turn to what he knew, what was familiar to him, and said something snarky instead.

He didn’t like that about himself.

But what he didn’t think about was that Erwin didn’t care. Erwin knew Levi was too hard on himself. Being unable to express his emotions the way other people could, including Erwin, didn’t negate his feelings towards him. He didn’t stop to realise that his actions made up for his lack of words.

Because what could one call someone who would not allow their significant other to so much as lift a finger if they had something as insignificant as a headache?

Or emptying the shelves at the grocery store because they found something their significant other enjoyed snacking on?

Or do all house chores at once, even while reprimanding and insulting said significant other, because the dullest hints of pain are an emergency to them?

That was Levi’s way of showing love. Words might not come as naturally to him, but unlike most people, actions did. With ease.

Erwin loved that about him.

No one was as detailed and careful as Levi. He’d always scoff at it, when “ _Levi is kinder than anyone_ ,” Erwin would proudly say.

No one believed him, and thought it was, in fact, a poor joke.

But Levi knew he meant it, and it only puzzled him further. He had been called everything by everyone throughout his life, everything but **_kind_**.

What did Erwin see in him, Levi had asked during their worst fight; after saying some highly regrettable things.

 _“Everything,”_ Erwin had said with fierce determination.

That was the first time Levi had cried.

* * *

Bertholdt’s eyes opened slowly, feeling heavy.

Another restless night.

He put a hand on his face, sighing slowly and quietly. He yawned, sitting up. He looked at the window with one eye, the other closed because of the annoying streaks of sunlight penetrating his skin.

He sat at the side of the bed for various minutes, waiting for the drowsiness to subside. Little by little, the void in his chest would expand.

Today was the day.

He’d meet the man who was his beam of hope for a decade.

And he wasn’t excited at all.

 _Damn that Reiner…_ He covered his face. He went to the bathroom to empty his bladder, then washed his face. He took a good look at himself.

His hair was voluminous. He brushed it back with his fingers, liking the way it looked. His eyes, though, were a different thing. They lacked life. They looked absolutely dull, tired, bored. As though he was done with everything and had no time to spare for anyone.

He held the sides of the sink and leaned forward, sighing.

He put on a shirt to look presentable. He wasn’t in his house, after all.

He walked down the stairs, and saw Mikasa sitting at the couch, reading. He could smell the distinct aroma of tea, the Jaeger household’s trademark beverage, and crepes. His lifeless eyes lit up for a second, thinking about Carla’s—Eren’s mother—crepes with marmalade and cheese. What puzzled him was the slight, distinct smell of hot chocolate. That wasn’t something the family drank.

“Good morning,” he greeted Mikasa.

She shot him a small smile, looking up from her book. “Good morning.”

He turned left to enter the kitchen to greet Carla, and was met by not only her, but Eren as well. Surprisingly.

“Good morning Mrs. Jaeger,” he greeted. “And Eren,” he greeted surprised, not only to see him up so early, but helping with the cooking instead of Mikasa.

“Hi, Bertholdt!” she gave him an over-the-shoulder glance. She lowered the heat on the oven and brushed her hands together. She walked towards him and kissed him on the cheek, as she usually did to every family member. “I’ve told you too many times now to call me Carla.” She shook her finger at him.

Bertholdt’s cheeks flared up, and he couldn’t suppress the shy smile forming on his face.

“Hey, Bertl.” Eren smiled at him while he awkwardly diced tomatoes for the scrambled eggs. Bertholdt merely smiled at him and his sloppiness.

“How was your sleep?” she asked, resuming her cooking.

“It was good, thank you.” He looked down, embarrassed.

“I’m glad,” he saw her walk from side to side of the kitchen, grabbing utensils, preparing several things at once, all while she sweetly coached Eren, correcting his mistakes. He wondered why everyone he knew was blessed with good mothers; everyone but him. “breakfast will be ready soon, so stay around, okay?”

“Y-yeah.” He responded. “I’ll lay the table.”

“No, no.” Eren grabbed his arm. “I’ll do it. You go and relax.” He smiled.

Bertholdt was puzzled. “U-um… it’s okay, I can do it. You’re helping already.”

“It’s fine, I can do it!” he gave him a thumbs up, then carelessly dropped the knife on the counter.

“Eren!” Carla scolded. “Focus on what you’re doing! You’ll cut yourself.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He picked it up.

She wiped her forehead with her sleeve. “Why don’t you set the table with Mikasa?” she smiled sweetly.

He blushed again. “Y-yes m’am.”

She shook her head affectionately at his stubborn nature of refusing to stop the honorifics. He was politer than her own son.

He opened the cabinet and grabbed six placemats, two for every person, then reflexively looked at the oven when smelling the familiar scent again. “Is that hot chocolate?” he asked.

“Hm?” she looked at him, pouring more batter on the pan. “Oh, yes. Eren made it. He said you like it, so he and Mikasa went to the store to get some an hour ago or so.”

His lips parted in surprise. He could only see Eren’s left side, but he noticed the boy’s cheek turn pink.

 _That’s…_ “Oh. Thank you.” He mumbled, which Eren ignored.

He went back to the living room, placing the mats on the table.

“You’re setting the table already?” Mikasa asked, getting up.

“Yeah, but I can do it. Don’t worry.”

Naturally, his remark fell on deaf ears. She went to get the cutlery as Bertholdt got the napkins, and they set the table together. “S-so… how was your sleep?” he asked her.

“It was okay, thank you.” She repositioned her scarf, as it was getting in the way. “How about yours?”

“Eren!” they heard again. The boy was truly a sloppy mess in the kitchen.

Mikasa smiled at this.

“It was good, thank you.”

They went back to the kitchen after finishing, both asking essentially the same question, in different wording.

 _“Can I help with something else?”_ he had said, while she simultaneously asked, _“Do you need anything else?”_

Carla refused, asking them to just wait until they were done.

Mikasa went back to the couch, resuming her reading session. Bertholdt stood idly, not knowing what to do.

“Can I sit here?” he asked shyly.

“You don’t have to ask,” she said, not looking up from her book.

He sat, bringing his legs to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He laid his chin on his knees, waiting.

_I wonder what dad’s doing right now… is he as nervous as I am?_

After a while, breakfast was finally ready, and the four of them ate. Eren was loud, as usual, while Bertholdt and Mikasa remained silent. As per usual, once they were done, Bertholdt gathered the dishes to wash them, but Carla stopped him.

“It’s okay, Bertholdt,” she smiled. “I’m sure Eren and Mikasa can handle it for today.”

 _Why are they being so kind to me?_ He wondered, puzzled. It’s not that they weren’t kind to him in general, they simply were being ** _too_** kind as of lately. “N-no, it’s fine. I want to do it.” He smiled.

“I’ll dry the dishes, then.” Eren said.

“I’ll do it,” Mikasa interrupted. “You already helped with the cooking. Go rest.”

“Don’t treat me like an old man,” he scowled, crossing his arms. “I’m perfectly capable of doing it!”

“W-we can handle it, Mrs. Jaeger.” Bertholdt smiled, talking over their arguing. “You should be the one to go relax.”

Ultimately, Eren agreed to letting Mikasa dry the dishes, but Carla rejected Bertholdt’s polite request. She chose to help him dry the dishes, and left no room for negotiation.

Bertholdt felt uncomfortable by her presence. He placed the clean, wet dishes on the rack, and she mechanically wiped them dry and stored them on their respective cabinets.

“We’ll have some company on Christmas,” she commented. “Eren’s half-brother is coming over.”

He replied almost immediately, not allowing her to finish.

“O-oh,” he continued washing, refusing to look at her. “I’ll be quiet. I promise you won’t even notice I’m here,” he smiled at her.

She looked puzzled. “I’m not sure what you mean, but you misunderstood.” She drawled. “I was going to say if there’s someone you’d like to invite, we’d love to have them over.”

He suddenly froze. “I’m really allowed to be here?” he mumbled.

She was confused. “What do you mean?”

“U-um… it’s just that it’s a family dinner,” he washed the pans.

“What about it?” she asked.

“I didn’t think I was allowed to be here that day.”

She was flabbergasted. She, quite literally, didn’t know what to respond.

“Oh, of course,” she smiled, thinking she understood, though she didn’t. “if you already have plans that’s okay. But the offer still stands.”

“No, that’s not it…” his brows furrowed reflexively, mind involuntarily going to Reiner.

His grim expression was noticeable.

 _What kind of life has he been leading up to this point?_ She wondered sympathetically.

“I-I’ll keep it in mind,” he changed the subject, forcing a smile. “Thank you for your kindness.”

Carla sighed. It was impossible to get this boy to open up.

Long after breakfast was over, he hung around the laundry room to iron his clothes for his meet-up. His long awaited, now dreadful meet-up.

Eren knocked on the door, despite it being open, “Hey, Bertl,” and greeted him. “any plans for tonight?”

“Um,” Bertholdt didn’t look up. “not really.”

“Want to hang out with us at Bachman's Bar and Grill?”

“No, but thank you.” He declined politely, almost without hesitation, hanging the shirt on the hanger.

“Aw,” Eren crossed his arms. “don’t be a party pooper.”

No response.

“Reiner’s not going to be there if that’s what worries you.” Eren mumbled.

“No, that’s not it.” He still refused to look up. “I just don’t want to go,” he stated matter-of-factly. “that’s all there is to it.”

“Um…” Eren drawled at his crude response.

Silence.

Finally, Bertholdt looked up at him, slowly halting the ironing. “Is something the matter?” he blinked, asking sincerely, though hinting he wanted to be left alone.

 _Yeah,_ Eren wished he had the courage to say. _You’re different, that’s the matter._

“Nope,” Eren smiled. “all good.”

Bertholdt continued ironing, then stopped again, impatient at Eren for not leaving. He looked up at him, still in silence.

Eren just stared.

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” he asked.

Eren finally took the hint, dropping his arms. “Yep,” he said as he turned. Bertholdt sighed once Eren left, relieved to be left alone in peace.

Done, he left everything tidy and in place. He bolted towards the bathroom. He left the shower running as he took off his clothes. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror from the corner of his eye, he stopped, then looked at himself. He suddenly clutched his chest and sighed violently, and held the edge of the sink with his free hand.

He was incredibly nervous.

He began panting, and slowly felt cold drops of sweat forming on his forehead. He shakily wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door. He looked to the sides, finding no one around, and ran to his room. He desperately sought his phone, and bolted towards the bathroom again when finding it. He sat on the toilet seat.

He couldn’t stop panting.

He shakily texted an _“I don’t think I can do this,”_ to Annie. He leaned against his knees, panting at the floor. Moments later, his phone buzzed.

She was calling him.

“H-hello?” he immediately took the call, greeting her shakily.

“Bertholdt,” her voice was calm. “what’s wrong?”

“I-I…” he produced broken groans.

She patiently waited for him to talk.

“I can’t do it,” he said finally.

“First,” she began “shut the shower faucet, okay? I can’t hear you very well.”

“Okay,” his voice broke. He cradled the phone on his shoulder as his trembling hand turned the valve.

Annie could hear his shaky breaths from the other line.

“I-it’s off,” he said, sitting back down, leaning forward.

“Tell me more,” she mumbled.

“I can’t do it,” his voice broke. “I think I need to cancel,” he put his hand on his hair, then roughly scratched it.

“No, that won’t do.” She reprimanded sternly. “You can’t cancel because you’re having a small panic attack. You can do it.”

“But that’s the thing!” he reproached. “I can’t!” his voice broke again. “I really can’t!” he said on the verge of tears.

“Yes, you can.” She repeated. “Because you’re strong. Incredibly strong. And because you’re not alone. He is, most likely, scared out of his mind as well. If you cancel right now, all of this will have been for nothing. You already have a long list of things you regret, why add more to it?”

His lips curved down and his eyes shut. He inhaled slowly and shakily.

“Listen to me,” she said softly. “it will be okay. Take deep breaths and let the tears flow if you need to. I’ll be here with you every second.”

He complied, performing the breathing exercises he did whenever he panicked, free hand clutching his chest.

“Can you please talk more to me?” he begged. “I need to hear your voice. You make me feel at ease,” his voice broke. “please talk to me.”

“I re-watched some Hunter x Hunter episodes last night,” she smiled.

He brought his palm to his face, lips quivering. Tears rolled down, the dreadful sensation spreading from his stomach, up to his chest and throat. He cried quietly. He cried because it was usually Reiner who comforted him in moments like these.

 _“It’s okay,”_ he’d say. _“I’m leaving right now, I’ll be with you soon, okay? Just breathe.”_

 _“I love you, Bertl, it’s okay. It’s okay. Just hang on for me, just a little bit longer,”_ Bertholdt would hear the clicking noise from the car that indicated Reiner had turned the directional signal.

The memory stabbed his heart, and he didn’t hear a single word Annie had said. He breathed in quietly, attempting to keep his voice from breaking.

“Thank you, Annie. I feel better now,” he lied. “Thank you so much. For everything,” this time he said truthfully.

After successfully convincing her, he put his phone away and stared at the floor.

He then abruptly leaned forward and buried his face on both hands. He sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.

He missed Reiner so much, but he hated him. He hated him.

He just wanted to disappear.

And it wasn’t only Reiner. He hated everyone.

He hated Eren. He hated Armin. He hated Jean. Krista. Mikasa. Sasha. Marco. But he hated Reiner, more than anyone, and only found comfort in Annie and Ymir.

But he also hated himself.

He didn’t want to stay here anymore. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home to Reiner, he wanted to cozily play video-games in his room. He wanted to order pizza and have eating contests with Reiner, then plop on the couch together to watch films when they were so full they could barely move.

He wanted to play his violin while Reiner sketched.

He wanted to talk about his cleaning tricks, something anyone would consider boring, and see how Reiner would nod enthusiastically, producing a _“woah!”_ and _“really?”_ every now and then.

“Why did you have to do this?” he managed to say between sobs to himself. “Why did you do this to us?”

He grabbed a fistful of his hair with both hands. The tears continued streaming like water from a dam, the muscles on his jaw trembling like a child’s.

The pain slowly subsided, and he was able to find peace after much sobbing. He stood up, bringing a hand to his stomach. It continuously contracted, albeit slowly.

Bertholdt, at last, managed to muster the energy to shower. He leaned forward, bringing his forehead to the wall.

 _You’re a fuck up, Bertholdt…_ his lips curved down. _You would have, no, everyone would have been better off if you hadn’t been born…_

_That’s why he abandoned you…_

_Why he started a new family…_

_Because you aren’t worth it. You aren’t worth anyone’s time._

_You deserve to die,_ He bit the inside of his lip until he tasted iron.

“Fuck!” he screamed, striking the wall with the side of his fist. “I hate myself,” he cried. “Fuck!”

* * *

Dedrik stared at himself in the mirror. “Pfft, please,” he shook his head at himself. _It’s a reunion, not a wedding, you doofus._

He hurriedly ripped off the tie from his neck, taking off the suit’s jacket. He rummaged through the pile of clothes on his bed, frustrated by not being satisfied with anything. His phone buzzed, and all he did was panic.

He ran to the night-table and unlocked it. It wasn’t Bertholdt.

 _“Sorry for the late reply, baby,”_ the text said. _“Adeline is doing okay for now. She’s being strong, but she wants to see you so bad.”_

He felt like a piece of shit for dismissing the message, not even finishing to read it.

Dedrik ultimately decided to go simple: a white shirt tucked in his black jeans and leather, black brogue shoes.

He brushed his raven hair back and applied cologne generously, but without overdoing it.

He left the mess in the hotel room untouched, wanting to get to the Paradis Central Park as quickly as he could. He ran around the room, looking for his belongings, then ran back to check he wasn’t forgetting anything. He placed his hand on the door handle, then ran back once more just to make sure. He took three deep, quick breaths and opened the door. He walked fast towards the elevator, then turned and walked back to his room’s door. He panicked quietly.

“Okay…” he muttered to himself. “okay.” He perked up, taking one deep, very slow breath. _Man up._

While anxiously waiting for the valet to pick up his car, he shakily browsed through his phone, and realised he was an hour and a half early. But he didn’t mind—provided he was the one who arrived first.

He thanked the valet driver once he arrived and drove towards a bakery. He parked his car and lined up, almost slapping his forehead when realising he never asked Bertholdt what he liked. Was he into sweets, or more into salty goods like croissants? Sweet drinks like hot chocolate, or more bitter ones like coffee? He brushed it off and figured it wouldn’t be terrible to buy a pair of each. The beverage would, most likely, be cold by the time Bertholdt arrived, but he didn’t want to meet him empty handed.

Empty handed.

Should he have bought a gift? He panicked again and was brought back to reality by the cashier.

He specified his order, took his goods in a large bag and left to his car.

He drove around, finally reaching his destination. He closed his eyes and breathed in. He looked at himself in the mirror. He brushed his eyebrows with his fingers, checked his nose and teeth. He walked out and sat on the cement bench around the park’s central tree. He hunched forward due to nervous habit and sipped his coffee impatiently.

* * *

Bertholdt twiddled his thumbs, looking out the window. The uber driver had stubbornly attempted to make conversation, but Bertholdt made it abundantly clear he wasn’t interested by merely nodding, and stuttering shy _“yeah-s.”_

He felt like crying.

“We’re here,” the driver announced, interrupting Bertholdt’s reverie.

He gathered his things. “T-thank you. Have a good day,” he said politely.

“You too,” the driver smiled.

He got out of the car, and awkwardly stayed in the same spot even after the uber was long gone. He played with the straps of his messenger bag nervously, scanning the area. He wanted to move, but he felt his legs were stuck to his shoes. Or, rather, he felt his shoes were stuck in cement.

He looked down to scan his clothing. It was all perfectly neat and in place, but he dusted everything off, just to be safe.

He walked around the park, albeit very slowly. He walked around everywhere except the middle, simply because he was too scared to go to the rendezvous place. After a while, he mustered the courage to proceed with the plan, but his moments of valiance were shattered the moment he considered a dreaded option.

What if he was stood up?

“Ugh…” he gritted his teeth, eyebrows furrowed.

 _I have to do this,_ He clung to his bag.

He finally made his way to the center, and froze immediately, mouth agape the moment he saw him.

He didn’t exactly see him, his back was turned to him, but he recognised him. He had a hunch, he just knew it was him. His body wanted to walk up to him, but his mind didn’t, and his instincts told him to obey. The short sight of him already sent him to the verge of tears. He quickly hid behind a nearby tree, and peeked over to observe Dedrik Hoover, his father, some more.

He looked to the sides a lot. He scratched his temple, obsessively checked his phone and rested his elbow on his leg, covering his mouth. His other leg shook in anticipation.

Bertholdt slowly smiled, then grinned. _He’s just as nervous as I am…_ he chuckled. _Annie was right._

He closed his eyes and sighed with a smile, clinging to the straps of his bag. He silently walked up, and before he could open his mouth, Dedrik immediately perked up, which rendered him quiet.

He slowly turned his head, not enough for Bertholdt to see his face, but enough to see its side. Dedrik’s eyes widened immensely, mouth slightly hung. He finally turned his head all the way back, and looked up at Bertholdt in immense shock.

Bertholdt smiled shyly.

“Hello, father.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. It finally happened. Hello, Bertholdt, meet Dedrik. Hello, Dedrik, meet Bertholdt!
> 
> Did you like the chapter? I have my fingers crossed, hoping for a positive reaction. Please make sure to leave kudos or a comment if you've been enjoying the story, and do leave one too if you haven't! I accept all criticism. 
> 
> Thank you to the usual commenters for just being you. I feel that as long as I have your support, I can do anything. And thank you to all the people who actively read this. I hope you're still interested, and that you'll stay with me until the end. I appreciate you all so much!


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